Writing The Ultimate Games! (Chapter 2)

MrGatr

Goin Rogue Baby :DDD
Member
Authors note:
Names have changed, I am changing them in the main list, but not the stories, sorry guys :(

Welcome to the games. These few contenters (20) have been selected to be in them...



Now seriously, here is the book!


Participants that I have permission from:
Zyflair
BrokenICE
CMP
Lenny
Loveshy
xdog
Riskbreakers
Teapot
Gale
Lil Wayne
The Yoshi
The Fallen One
Safariblade
Peachy
Glaceon
Bacon-Boy
LuckyPokeGirl
Tyrant Tyranitar (nicknamed Tyson)
Guy89

{Shining Raikou, dragonexpert, and WPM are mentioned, but have secret roles ;D}

I am asking around, and currently have 19 people asked, and awaiting replies... First person to want to join, and join, gets the spot! More will come available, as people don't want to be in, or they get injured in the games.

Team's
(Contestants that have been mentioned/introduced.)
{Will not be permanent}

Red 5/10
Heart
Riskbreakers
Gale
Teckdeck101
CMP

Blue 5/10
Lenny
Snivylover555
xdog
Teapot
Zyflair

Replacements


The games will change constantly, and the outcomes are random. These games are deadly, and if people get injured, a highered replacement plays in the team!
Good luck to the teams, and let the games begin

Chapter 1
The meeting house of the 4


Chapter 1;


BrokenICE woke up; he saw that he wasn’t in his bedroom. He also noticed that his lovely wife, wasn’t anywhere in sight. He was in a different place! Apollo got to his feet, he also noticed that he wasn’t wearing his footy pj’s. He flipped, trying to rip of the glossy red suit he had, he fell to the ground with a large THUMP!
“Um, this is really weird… Where is my family… I’m going to be late for work!’
BrokenICE quickly jumped up, then remembered that he didn’t have to work on Sunday’s. He wondered around his room. The nicely made bed that he just got out of, in the corner. The flower vase, with red roses on the stand next to the T.V. The lovely 62 inch flat screen plasma TV lying on a stand a few feet from him. BrokenICE quickly looked at the door, as he heard a click.


The door flew open, and in it, stood two people who seemed to be blending in well. They were wearing a green suit. They grabbed him, and blind folded him. He was the most confused man at the time, he quickly fought, but felt a sharp pain in his side, and blacked out!


Mean while, xdogkingx just woke up too, he looked around, and noticed that he was in a glossy blue suit. He wondered what was going on, so he quickly turned to the TV. All the TV showed was some sort of violent and deadly game show. He wasn’t very happy. He noticed a door that was leading into the bathroom. He wandered into it, and quickly began to do his business, when he heard bangs, and a question!
“Are you done yet?”
He never thought that the day when someone would share his bathroom would come so soon. He was quickly done, and opened the door, to see some guys grab him. He fought vainly, and blacked out from lack of air! He was dragged down a hall, and put into a large room. The guards were the only ones who seemed to know where he was.


The room was quite for a long time. After a little, xdogkingx awoke to someone else fighting. It seemed to be someone he knew from his long career at PB as an administrator. He looked around, and noticed that it was The Power of Three. Xdogking’s long time friend, he ran over to him, and gave him a bro hug. They sat in silence, and awaited the next person in a glossy blue suit to get thrown through the door!


When BrokenICE awoke, he noticed that Riskbreakers was crying in the corner, holding a picture of his mom. He crawled over, saying.
“It’ll be fine, just hold out. I know we can get out…”
They sat together in silence. Waiting for the next people to suffer like them. Out of the blue, the door flew open, and Techdeck101. He hit the ground with a large thump, and a few words. He was still asleep! BrokenICE crawled over to him, wondering what he was doing. He chuckled quietly as Teckdeck101 was whispering his Pokebeach password. By this time, Riskbreakers had stopped crying, and began to laugh with BrokenICE. As they laughed, they heard thuds, and more thuds, hoping it was WPM coming to free him employees, it was nothing that they could see.


In the next room over, Snivylover555 was pushed into the blue room. She landed with a thump, and got a little upset at the guards. The Power of Three quickly grabbed her, and took her to the corner. Where they awaited the next sad arrival. As they sat, they heard thuds, and more thuds. They hoped it was WPM… Or Shining Raikou, or dragonexpert. It never was, each time, nothing would happen. They weren’t very happy with this new home. If they even could call this little 63 foot room, with tables, a kitchen, and a living room home. Snivylover555 was the first to notice their names on some doors. They were actually really curious as to what it was.
“What’s this?”
Snivylover555 walked over to the door, and pushed it open. She couldn’t believe her eyes, quickly she ran in.


Mean while, the others talked about telling WPM the most powerful man in the world at the moment, about this crime. They wouldn’t ever think that this was his game, or even a game of dragonexpert, or anyone’s. Quickly The Power of Three turned on the TV. All that was on, was this violent, and destructive, deadly game show, called the ultimate games. They never thought that watching people get hurt was so fun. They watched for some time.


Gale was shoved into the Red room. With an outcry because his hair wasn’t strait and his arm was bruised, and his outfit was dirt ugly! So he quickly just sat down, not noticing that there were others in the room. He thought to himself about his body, how he was going to improve, and become even sexier. He was the one kid in the room not worried about anything but that. He was the kid who didn’t care if they didn’t feed him, he’d still have his muscles, his hair, and his ugly clothes. His thoughts kept drifting to the ugly clothes. He never wanted to be in a department store with this stuff. Now he knew how the poor felt. Little would he ever guess that this wasn’t his permanent outfit. He turned his attention to the name Gale on a door. He pushed it open, and he couldn’t believe his eyes. If he wasn’t in prison, or a department store, or a freaky hotel, then where was he? Was he kidnapped? Was this WPM’s idea of a prank? No, it’d have to be dragonexpert. He Is the only one with this money other that WPM. Or was it MrGatr, or Bacon, or another regular person? He was out of the question on this one. He was confused. He quickly rushed into the room.


Chapter 2 (surprisingly came out on time!)
The intro to the games!
The group started to wonder where Snivylover555 went. They began to look around, and found the doors with their name on them! They got too excited, and jumped into the rooms. Only to discover the room that they had once called home. It was a duplicate of their original room. Lenny, was totally freaking out, he found his magazines that he thought no one knew he had. He quickly re-hid them. He looked in his closet, to find his clothes, and a note. The note said…
“Welcome to the games Lenny, you are to wear the suit for each game, once your team changes, you suit changes color. Good luck, and don’t die!”


Lenny was enjoying his room, when he heard the door, click, and another victim was thrown in. He wasn’t happy either. Zyflair turned around, to notice his best friend Snivylover555 sitting on a couch. He ran over to her, and asked where they were.
“This is the games, the only thing that you see on TV now!” she explained.
“Oh, so we have to kill each other off, the winner gets life, and three million dollars. This is really gonna suck!” Zyflair exclaimed.
“You read my mind!”
Snivylover555 gave Zyflair a hug, because she was scared of death. They stayed together, catching up on how Pokebeach was doing.


CMP awakes, with a sudden jerk! He was being dragged out of his bed. Him being the buff dude on Pokebeach, quickly fought back, it was in vain though. He was trying to knock out a guy that was 6’3, and maybe 250 lbs. CMP was only 5’6, and 196 lbs. They just laughed in his face. He then felt a quick pain in his neck, and almost blacked out, but being strong he wouldn’t let it knock him out. He just wouldn’t. The shot had failed, but the guards didn’t notice, they continued to drag him down the hall, he thought he heard the voice of WPM, but must have been mistaken, because only Safariblade would have the guts to pull another prank on him. Then he remembered that MrGatr was in on it too, but MrGatr was too weak to help Safariblade drag him around!



Zyflair got bored, and asked where he was to sleep. Snivylover555 pointed to a room, that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, saying.
“Don’t be surprised when its home!”
“I won’t.” Zyflair answered with a weird tone in his voice, he gathered himself up, and walked to the room, only to discover his home? He was in so much shock; he fell onto the bed crying. He looked at his dresser, seeing the picture of his girlfriend! He almost flipped, and grabbed it, hugging it close to him, making sure that no one had broken it. He always had a protective instinct about that picture, if the glass was cracked, he looked at is as his broken heart. If the class was dirty, he saw that her soul was saddened. Zyflair had gone crazy in love with her, you could say.


In the room above this whole mess, dragonexpert awoke quickly to the boss’s voice! He grabbed his guard clothes, and quickly ran out the door, looking for him. He turned the hall really quickly not even seeing Shining Raikou sitting at his post. Shining Raikou was blown off his post, and fell to the hard cement floor with a really loud thud, and then some groans with some curses aimed at dragonexpert. Dragonexpert continued on his run down the hall way, thinking about the new participants from his sight that he helped make. He hoped that his friends weren’t there, seeing that they were the people he made the forums for.


Shining Raikou stood back up, agitated by dragonexpert’s clumsy acts. He quickly got back to duty. He muttered some curse words under his breath, waiting for the arrival of his long time rival, Dmaster! They were set to have a games challenge today at 3:30, right after the new contestants game ended. They were joining wheel doom too, just for the laughs of them trying to kill each other, while killing themselves. This rivalry was not a mean or aggressive one. This one was friendly, and a little competitive. Every year Dmaster won, this wasn’t exactly Shining Raikou’s idea of fun. He was determined to win!


The blue team, was pulled out of there little apartment like area first. They were introduced to the wheel of fun. Suddenly, a loud female voice said,
“Welcome, this is the team decider. Two blow-up wheels spin at opposite speeds, and directions, you contestants will have one ball colored the color of your team, if you get hit, your team changes. The trick to the game though, you have to switch wheels at the end of each spin, otherwise, its game over!”


Lenny gave a large gasp, he wasn’t ready to die like this. He was young, and had his whole career ahead of him! While he was worring about death, The Power of Three was worring about the teams. If he got stuck on a team of loosers, he’d eventually die, but if he got on the team with the most mods, he’d live. At least that’s how he thought his game out. He never knew what was about to happen, were his friends going to die, the first challenge? Was he going to die the first challenge?


While in the other room, the red team prepared for some sort of game that Gale had prepared. He’d found his old game of sneaks, and wanted all to play. They gathered around, not knowing that the challenge of their lifetime was about to begin, that they might die! That their best friends might betray them in order to survive, that maybe, they’d betray themselves in stupidity, maybe, just maybe, they’d have fun, and live? No one knows what happens to contestants when they are eliminated, the rumors are they win a prize to go to space, and start their own planet. Of course those weren’t true, everyone but the contestants knew that they died in the games. This was the beginning of the ending of all of their lives!

Thanks for reading :D
 
RE: The ultimate games!

I'm in these games to win it.

I'm assuming, you're writing about these certain people who are signing up to be on teams, or is this just some underground RPG?
 
RE: The ultimate games!

lol, This isn't an underground RPG! I'd have more people, this is just like Pokebeach Murder...

Guy89, your added as a back up...
Sorry, some people got answers in first :(

I need every one that I asked to please tell me, I lost names, when I was getting 100 prof comments a day :p.

Thanks you guys though
 
RE: The ultimate games!

So I get a secret role. A coincidence that SR, WPM, and I all have secret roles? I think not.:p I do like how the story is going so far. I'll definitely have to follow it.
 
RE: The ultimate games!

Thanks, but SR, and WPM and you are the people who the make the forums the forums... That's why.
But more people will be keeping secrets, who owns the games, and eventually something happens ;D
 
RE: The ultimate games!

My edits are in bold.

Mr. Gatr said:
BrokenICE woke up; he saw that he wasn’t in his bedroom. He also noticed that his lovely wife who is this wife again? I need names, boy, wasn’t anywhere in sight. He was in a different place!

Apollo got to his feet, he also noticed that he wasn’t wearing his footy pj’s pajamas. He flipped, and while he was trying to rip off the glossy red suit he had, he fell to the ground with a large THUMP!

“Um, this is really weird… Where is my family… I’m going to be late for work!"

BrokenICE quickly jumped up, then remembered that he didn’t have to work on Sunday’s. He wandered around his room. The nicely made bed that he just got out of, in the corner incomplete sentences FTW -. The flower vase, with red roses on the stand next to the T.V. Another incomplete sentence The lovely 62 inch flat screen plasma TV lying on a stand a few feet from him That's your third incomplete sentence. BrokenICE quickly looked at the door , as he heard a click.

The door flew open, and in it, stood two people who seemed to be blending in well How do they blend? Give me colors, like wallpaper and the floor. It just seems like they're blending in with oblivion. They were wearing a green suits. They grabbed him, and blind folded him. He was the most confused man at the time Maybe reword like "He did not know what was going on, as" he quickly fought, but felt a sharp pain in his side, and blacked out! These two are obviously SR and DE. :p

Mean while, xdogkingx just woke up too, he looked around, and noticed that he was in a glossy blue suit. He wondered what was going on, so he quickly turned to the TV. All the TV showed was some sort of violent and deadly game show. He wasn’t very happy. Try combining these two sentences He noticed a door that was leading into the bathroom. He wandered into it, and quickly began to do his business don't need details thanks, when he heard a bangs, and a question.

“Are you done yet?” a voice asked impatiently.

He never thought that the day when someone would share his bathroom would come so soon This sentence is really awkward; it's kinda weird to think someone would be sharing a bathroom with him, don't you think?. He was quickly done, and opened the door, to see some guys grab him. He fought vainly, and blacked out from lack of air! He was dragged down a hall, and put into a large room. The guards were the only ones who seemed to know where he was. Now I wonder who these guys are. Nice cliffhanger though.


The room was quiet for a long time. After a little, xdogkingx awoke to someone else fighting. It seemed to be someone he knew from his long career at PokéBeach as an administrator Administrator huh. He looked around, and noticed that it was The Power of Three. Xdogking’s long time friend, he ran over to him, and gave him a bro hug. They sat in silence, and awaited the next person in a glossy blue suit to get thrown through the door!


When BrokenICE awoke, he noticed that Riskbreakers was crying in the corner, holding a picture of his mom. He crawled over, saying.

“It’ll be fine, just hold out. I know we can get out…”

They sat together in silence. Waiting for the next people to suffer like them First off, this is your fourth incomplete sentence. Also, I don't understand that they're waiting for people to suffer like them. How are they suffering?. Out of the blue, the door flew open, and Techdeck101 Incomplete sentence number five.. He hit the ground with a large thump, and a few words came out of his mouth. He was still asleep! BrokenICE crawled over to him, wondering what he was doing. He chuckled quietly as Teckdeck101 was whispering his Pokebeach password Ooh big secret. By this time, Riskbreakers had stopped crying, and began to laugh with BrokenICE. As they laughed, they heard thuds, and more thuds, hoping it was WPM coming to free his employees, it was nothing that they could see. Hm?


In the next room over, Snivylover555 was pushed into the blue room. She landed with a thump, and got a little upset at the guards. The Power of Three quickly grabbed her, and took her to the corner. Where they awaited the next sad arrival That's your sixth incomplete sentence. As they sat, they heard some thuds, and more thuds Kinda redundant They hoped it was WPM… Or Shining Raikou, or dragonexpert. It never was, each time, nothing would happen. They weren’t very happy with this new home, if they even could call this little 63 foot room, with tables, a kitchen, and a living room home good description. Snivylover555 was the first to notice their names on some doors. They were actually really Actually and really are mostly used in conversations, not in story-telling curious as to what it was.

“What’s this?” Who says this?

Snivylover555 walked over to the door, and pushed it open. She couldn’t believe her eyes, and she quickly she ran in.

Meanwhile, the others who is this? talked about telling WPM, the most powerful man in the world in the world? at the moment, about this crime. They wouldn’t ever think that this was his game, or even a game of dragonexpert, or anyone’s. I'm a little confused. First you're saying that they don't know what's going on, and now they think that this is a game? I may just be lagging a bit. Quickly The Power of Three quickly turned on the TV. (All that was on, was) move this to the end of the sentence, and put was before all that was on. This violent, and destructive, deadly game show, called the ultimate games. They never thought that watching people get hurt was so fun, and they watched for some time.


Gale was shoved into the Red room. With an outcry because his hair wasn’t strait and his arm was bruised, and his outfit was dirt ugly! This is your SEVENTH incomplete sentence. You need to proofread before you publish a chapter. Put it on a Word doc and check grammar/spelling or something like that. So he quickly just sat down, not noticing that there were others in the room. He thought to himself about his body, how he was going to improve, and become even sexier lolwut. He was the one kid in the room not worried about anything but that. He was the kid who didn’t care if they didn’t feed him, he’d still have his muscles, his hair, and his ugly clothes How old is this "kid"?. His thoughts kept drifting to the ugly clothes. He never wanted to be in a department store with this stuff. Now he knew how the poor the poor what, poor people? felt. Little would he ever guess that this wasn’t his permanent outfit. He then turned his attention to the name Gale on a door. He pushed it open, and he couldn’t believe his eyes. If he wasn’t in prison, or a department store, or a freaky hotel, then where was he? Was he kidnapped? Was this WPM’s idea of a prank? No, it’d have to be dragonexpert. He is the only one with this money other that WPM. Or was it Mr. Gatr, or Bacon, or another regular person? He was out of the question on this one. He was confused. He quickly rushed into the room.

So I counted 1035 words, 7 incomplete sentences, and many grammar/spelling mistakes. Like I said, please put this on a Word doc and check it over before you submit any kind of work, and due to 7 incomplete sentences, I believe that you did not proofread this.

I'm interested in this story mainly because you can create many cliffhangers and foreshadowing, but there's definitely some gaps in the plot, and I honestly feel you introduced too many characters at once, and this happens in a lot of prologues/first chapters. I like the story so far (even though I'm not in it yet), so keep it up, and try a little harder for the next chapter. I want to see no incomplete sentences in the next chapter. ;)

(BTW, I want to say something to you in a PM, so please PM me.)
 
RE: The ultimate games!

Thanks :D
I did notice the incomplete sentences, so I will try to fix them...

I also WILL NOT! give names, because BrokenICE prefer me not to give names, and I think you my friend have a wife too, so if you'd like to be married to the only girl...
Be my guest :D


BTW, SR, and DE aren't those guys...
They are some one else
Cookies to who figures them out :D

Chapter 2 is due today...
or tomorrow...
 
Chapter 2 is up...
Enjoy!


The group started to wonder where Snivylover555 went. They began to look around, and found the doors with their name on them! They got too excited, and jumped into the rooms. Only to discover the room that they had once called home. It was a duplicate of their original room. Lenny, was totally freaking out, he found his magazines that he thought no one knew he had. He quickly re-hid them. He looked in his closet, to find his clothes, and a note. The note said…
“Welcome to the games Lenny, you are to wear the suit for each game, once your team changes, you suit changes color. Good luck, and don’t die!”


Lenny was enjoying his room, when he heard the door, click, and another victim was thrown in. He wasn’t happy either. Zyflair turned around, to notice his best friend Snivylover555 sitting on a couch. He ran over to her, and asked where they were.
“This is the games, the only thing that you see on TV now!” she explained.
“Oh, so we have to kill each other off, the winner gets life, and three million dollars. This is really gonna suck!” Zyflair exclaimed.
“You read my mind!”
Snivylover555 gave Zyflair a hug, because she was scared of death. They stayed together, catching up on how Pokebeach was doing.


CMP awakes, with a sudden jerk! He was being dragged out of his bed. Him being the buff dude on Pokebeach, quickly fought back, it was in vain though. He was trying to knock out a guy that was 6’3, and maybe 250 lbs. CMP was only 5’6, and 196 lbs. They just laughed in his face. He then felt a quick pain in his neck, and almost blacked out, but being strong he wouldn’t let it knock him out. He just wouldn’t. The shot had failed, but the guards didn’t notice, they continued to drag him down the hall, he thought he heard the voice of WPM, but must have been mistaken, because only Safariblade would have the guts to pull another prank on him. Then he remembered that MrGatr was in on it too, but MrGatr was too weak to help Safariblade drag him around!


Zyflair got bored, and asked where he was to sleep. Snivylover555 pointed to a room, that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, saying.
“Don’t be surprised when its home!”
“I won’t.” Zyflair answered with a weird tone in his voice, he gathered himself up, and walked to the room, only to discover his home? He was in so much shock; he fell onto the bed crying. He looked at his dresser, seeing the picture of his girlfriend! He almost flipped, and grabbed it, hugging it close to him, making sure that no one had broken it. He always had a protective instinct about that picture, if the glass was cracked, he looked at is as his broken heart. If the class was dirty, he saw that her soul was saddened. Zyflair had gone crazy in love with her, you could say.


In the room above this whole mess, dragonexpert awoke quickly to the boss’s voice! He grabbed his guard clothes, and quickly ran out the door, looking for him. He turned the hall really quickly not even seeing Shining Raikou sitting at his post. Shining Raikou was blown off his post, and fell to the hard cement floor with a really loud thud, and then some groans with some curses aimed at dragonexpert. Dragonexpert continued on his run down the hall way, thinking about the new participants from his sight that he helped make. He hoped that his friends weren’t there, seeing that they were the people he made the forums for.


Shining Raikou stood back up, agitated by dragonexpert’s clumsy acts. He quickly got back to duty. He muttered some curse words under his breath, waiting for the arrival of his long time rival, Dmaster! They were set to have a games challenge today at 3:30, right after the new contestants game ended. They were joining wheel doom too, just for the laughs of them trying to kill each other, while killing themselves. This rivalry was not a mean or aggressive one. This one was friendly, and a little competitive. Every year Dmaster won, this wasn’t exactly Shining Raikou’s idea of fun. He was determined to win!


The blue team, was pulled out of there little apartment like area first. They were introduced to the wheel of fun. Suddenly, a loud female voice said,
“Welcome, this is the team decider. Two blow-up wheels spin at opposite speeds, and directions, you contestants will have one ball colored the color of your team, if you get hit, your team changes. The trick to the game though, you have to switch wheels at the end of each spin, otherwise, its game over!”


Lenny gave a large gasp, he wasn’t ready to die like this. He was young, and had his whole career ahead of him! While he was worring about death, The Power of Three was worring about the teams. If he got stuck on a team of loosers, he’d eventually die, but if he got on the team with the most mods, he’d live. At least that’s how he thought his game out. He never knew what was about to happen, were his friends going to die, the first challenge? Was he going to die the first challenge?


While in the other room, the red team prepared for some sort of game that Gale had prepared. He’d found his old game of sneaks, and wanted all to play. They gathered around, not knowing that the challenge of their lifetime was about to begin, that they might die! That their best friends might betray them in order to survive, that maybe, they’d betray themselves in stupidity, maybe, just maybe, they’d have fun, and live? No one knows what happens to contestants when they are eliminated, the rumors are they win a prize to go to space, and start their own planet. Of course those weren’t true, everyone but the contestants knew that they died in the games. This was the beginning of the ending of all of their lives!
 
Where's my character? :x

Onto the story: Was a nice read, can't wait to see the next chapter :>
 
^Thanks, your character is in Chapter 3...

@The whole wide world!
Chapter 3 will come out sometime next week, when I have time.
Thanks for reading though :D
 
Hmm I definitely don't see my character so far. As far as the writing...it's okay. Plenty of grammar mistakes that you need to clean up in both chapters (I even caught a strait vs. straight error). Here's a tip, read the story aloud to yourself. Typically sentences without good grammar sound...funky. I got the feeling that the story is a bit choppy/rushed, the sentences don't "flow" into each other. That can easily lose your reader if you're not careful.

Other than that, I'm rather curious to see how this turns out.
 
^Thanks, I am getting really caught up in stuff, so I may not get to it right now, but when Chapter 3 comes out, all chapters will be proofed, and cleaned up

A spoiler though, the next two characters to show in are Tyrant Tyranitar, and The Fallen One.
 
Waiting anxiously for the next chapter. Don't give up, even if you may be experiencing a writer's block, because it seems you have quite a few people that want to see this story continue.

Don't let me down. ;)
 
I am working on it, with the holidays, it's really hard to get this done, I will type up some of it today, and work on the rest tomorrow :D
 
The Yoshi said:
Waiting anxiously for the next chapter. Don't give up, even if you may be experiencing a writer's block, because it seems you have quite a few people that want to see this story continue.

Don't let me down. ;)

I'm waiting, too. I can hardly imagine what the next chapter would be like. Like Yoshi said, don't give up. Some of us want to read the next chapter. :D
 
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