Writing Nightmare

[DNA]

Yes...Now I'm about to prove to all of you that me repeatedly saying that I'm a good writer is not just for show.

I'd started this story quite a while back, with a little help from some friends of mine on how to get it up and running. Due to school and other concerns I couldn't write it very much, but now with all the spare time on my hands from Christmas break, I was finally able to finish this fanfic.

As you can see from the topic title, the fic is called Nightmare. Before I chose to submit it here, I wanted to finish the rough draft of the entire story, and then revise everything (proofreading and all that) to make a second draft...and then, only then would I post it. I finished the rough draft on Christmas Day, and the second draft 4 days later (yes, it took me 4 days to go through it all).

Please...if you're going to respond to this fanfic, make your reply constructive - be it feedback, comments, criticism, or anything else you have. I take a great deal of pride in my work, and if you say 'Nice story; I'm loving it, keep writing', that tells me absolutely nothing on how to improve (especially since considering the story has already been completed). If your reply is less than 20 words in length, I will ignore it.

The fanfic is 25 chapters long, spanning over almost 109 pages on Word, and therefore the average chapter length is just over 4 pages. However, the chapters at the start are shorter, and their length increases the more the story progresses. Note though that no chapter is shorter than 2 pages.

Each chapter has a 1-word title (which is a noun), corresponding to the overall theme of the chapter. I'll also give a commentary for the start of the chapter, but not for the end (after you've read it). I want you to get your own thoughts and impressions from reading it, instead of the ones I give you.

Clear? All right, if you're interested, keep going!

~~~~~~~~~
Directory:
Chapter 1 - Nightmare
Chapter 2 - Repetition
Chapter 3 - Visit
Chapter 4 - Respect
Chapter 5 - Partner
Chapter 6 - Mystery
Chapter 7 - Hero
Chapter 8 - Battle
Chapter 9 - Suspicion
Chapter 10 - Guilt
Chapter 11 - Knight
Chapter 12 - Terror
Chapter 13 - Delusion
Chapter 14 - Rest
Chapter 15 - Savior
Chapter 16 - Meeting
Chapter 17 - Tracked
Chapter 18 - Courage
Chapter 19 - Heart
Chapter 20 - Death
Chapter 21 - Wheel
Chapter 22 - Life
Chapter 23 - Trick
Chapter 24 - Climax
Chapter 25 - Dream
~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1 was originally intended as the prologue for the story, but during the re-write, I decided to elaborate and extend on it a bit, so that it's now effectively a full-fledged chapter. As with all of the chapter 1s/prologues I write for my fanfics, this serves as an introduction to the story only, and sets the stage for the environment for what will happen next in the plot.

Stats for this chapter (1):
Page Count: 2.0; Word Count: 1357

Spoiler

~~~
1 – Nightmare

The nightmare is real.

This world has become something so totally bent and corrupted beyond all measure that one can only fathom how it has come to reach this point. The people of the current day and age can only look back at the history that brought them to this point, and gaze back utterly stupefied as they can fathom no true explanation of how this current era was created; they can only muster three simple yet shocking words: ‘Somehow, it did’.

And by now, you most likely have no idea what I’m talking about. Indeed, I shall give you to a detailed explanation before I get too much further into this story which I am about to paint for you.

I am sure many of you have heard of the strange friendly creatures called ‘Pokémon’. You recognize them as partners, companions, even valiant warriors at times, and many other people much like yourself consider them an integral part of their lives. But in this world? People would either stare at you not knowing what in the world you could possibly be talking about...or they would find you insane, delusional, or even accuse you of being some sort of dissident or insurrectionist, perhaps even calling the police force to take you. I assume you would find this a very surprising reaction, would you not? Something like that, at least to you, would be an act considered almost unspeakable, but in the world I speak of, it is perfectly normal, even acceptable. Now you are wondering yourself what kind of world this is, aren’t you? Let me offer to you a fuller explanation.

This world wasn’t always like it is in this day. In fact, this world used to be much like the world of Pokémon you know in the present time – countries regions across the world with trainers, gym leaders who distribute their badges showing a trainer’s worth, grand sprawling landscapes consisting of objects to snowy mountains and arid deserts, and everything in between...in short, everything you would expect a world of Pokémon to be, was what this world was like...in the past. The most integral part of all were the Pokémon, which most of humankind was dependent upon for survival, in multiple ways – partnership, food, ecosystems – you name it, Pokémon had a hand, paw, or talon in it in some form or capacity.

That all changed when the blight of ‘advanced technology’ appeared. Granted, there was some technology before, and I am sure you are quite familiar with some of it, such as wireless Pokémon exchanges, telecommunications, and electronic storage systems, but those things of the past pale in comparison to the elaborate mechanisms of this world’s current day and age. This paradigm shift first began when a certain inventor, full of vim and vigor, and incredibly enthusiastic in his pursuits, created a purely synthetic Pokémon. To be simple, the Pokémon species of choice that was chosen for the experiment was Chatot. The resulting synthetic looked like a Chatot, felt like a Chatot, acted like a Chatot, even grew like a Chatot...but it was nothing more than a cold heartless machine, doing nothing more than that which was pre-programmed into it. The scientific community of the day reasoned that, this way, there would be no chance of abnormal or harmful behavior of any kind, and so these synthetic Pokémon would be fully under the control of the wishes of their creators.

Deeming this initial synthetic a success, great advances were made into this new discipline. At the same time, as the synthetics became more and more complex, the machines around them grew equally as complex. Before very long, there were objects such as giant monorails spanning the skies, connecting all the regions together with an elaborate train system, kept going by a timetable that would ensure trains would always run on time, no matter the weather. With each new creation, every contingency that could possibly arise was planned for, so the resulting products could be deemed to be ‘perfect’, so to speak. The world had been brought closer together even more so than before...but in exchange, it was slowly transforming the planet into a spider’s prison of cold lifeless metal, kept alive only by its desire to advance deeper and deeper into its spiraling vicious cycle, of which there was no escape. Ultimately, the humans of the higher echelons of government reasoned that since humankind as a whole was greatly self-sufficient, they no longer needed the ‘real’ Pokémon to aid them in their living, for their synthetic copies ‘had no flaws, unlike that which is seen in nature’, or so it was said. As a result, Pokémon everywhere were persecuted, driven away from society, branded as outcasts or even demons. Many valiant trainers of Pokémon fought against this evil way of thinking, but they too were brutally murdered by another creation of technology – the soulless ‘synthetic army’, as it had come to be called...and, as you would expect, the ‘synthetic army’ is a vast array of Pokémon synthetics designed only to expunge threats, the substance of which were decided by those who controlled the army.

Eventually, history had reached a point where there were very few Pokémon left alive on the planet. Sensing the humans would come and finish them off forever, they appealed to the Watchers – a class of beings who watch over the world from a higher plane – for deliverance from the hands of those who sought their lives, and so the Watchers offered a proposition. They stated that they would be able to save the Pokémon by transferring them to another plane of existence, but in so doing, they would lose their physical form, becoming spirits. Initially they were reluctant to the idea, but since they saw they had no other choice, they agreed, and were transported by the Watchers to another plane – the Spirit Plane. The humans who had fled with the Pokémon to escape the synthetic army asked if they too could cross over to the Spirit Plane as well, and the Watchers in their benevolence granted their request.

How do I know all of this, you ask? I am the author of this story of which you are currently reading, and as such have the ability to record everything that goes on in this world. I am effectively a chronicler, a record-keeper of certain events in existence. Having once lived among humankind spinning my stories of worlds within worlds, I was transposed to this plane by one of the Watchers countless ages ago – and now I spend my existence by recording all the worthwhile stories to tell. This is definitely one of the more tragic ones in my collection of yarns, and remembering the events that transpired during this time give me great pain to put them to writing once again.

Despite the entire world becoming largely hostile towards the thought of the past – especially ‘non-synthetic’ Pokémon – the Pokémon, now called Spirits due to their current form, still believe that some virtue exists within humankind. Though the world as a whole, and its government, shuns any thought of the past and its morals and ideas, including inter-dependency with Pokémon-kind, certain individuals have not. And thus, the Spirits have traveled to the Human Plane and appeared before specific people, yet not showing themselves to others. Spirits are effectively beings who have no physical presence but can be seen by whoever they reveal themselves to. Some have even formed ‘pacts’ with human partners, forever vowing to stay by their sides through thick and thin, with a bond of friendship so unbreakable that no force could ever shatter it – this bond is standardly materialized in the form of a rope or tether which connects human and Spirit together. The Pokémon still remember the idea of a ‘trainer’, before the nightmare enveloped the planet, and many yearn for the days of the past where things were much different than they are now. This story, which I write to you now, chronicles the roles of these people and their Pokémon partners, and how they will forever impact the dark mechanical world in which they live...

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PB forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[Twig]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 1 up!

Great detail and description. ^^

I think the one thing that bothered me was the existence of the "Watchers" and the "Spirit Plane". Where did they come from? It seems like you just made them up as a plot device. They just...came out of no where.

"Once upon a time, the panda bears were almost extinct. Then the Marshmallow Angel took them to another dimension."

It just seems...awkward.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 1 up!

I can see your point in feeling like it seems awkward. I like to experiment with variations on a single theme - in this case, Pokemon. All that's required, really, is to have Pokemon in it, in some form or capacity. All the rest is up to the author (It sure as heck beats saying "Pokemon exist for the sole purpose of helping trainers get 8 badges and become the strongest trainer who ever lived", in my opinion.)

It's set in the future, so, if technology kept increasing, humans would begin to lose (or at least, think they begin to lose) their dependency on Pokemon...hence the setting. There's no set year - it's just in the future.

Thanks for the feedback nonetheless. I was dreading it'd be less than 20 words, and I was very pleased to see that it wasn't. =)

Edit: I suppose I can give you a small explanation about the Watchers, since it isn't a huge spoiler...They are Pokemon that already exist; I just gave them the title of Watcher. For example, Dialga and Arceus are both Watchers. Get the picture (sorta)?

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 2 up!

[Back to Top]

I guess I could say I'm a little saddened that only one person commented so far; however the feedback was quite good and gave me a little insight into my own story, and actually got me a little more inspired to write a sequel. (I know it's still a bit too early for that though...and now back to business.)

Ah yes, Chapter 2 is next. I guess this is more of chapter 1 than anything, and the other chapter was just a prologue. But I think 25 is a nice round number, so I didn't call the first installment the prologue. And now enough of my rambling.

This is basically when I start introducing the characters into the story one by one, and set the stage for what happens next. I don't want to spoil too much of the chapter before you read it, so I'll just let you guys read it for yourselves.

Yes. I put the accent on "Pokémon". Word's AutoCorrect feature is awesome.

Stats for this chapter (2):
Page Count: 3.9, Word Count: 2531

Spoiler

~~~
2 – Repetition

[Thursday, July 15, 5.14 PM]

To Cepheus White, every day was just like the one before it, with very little variation in between. Every morning he would wake up, get dressed, have breakfast, and prepare himself for his job at the Hearthome Synthetics Plant, which would start at nine o’clock sharp. He would begin by arriving ten minutes early, so as to effectively ready himself for the day ahead. He would always inspect each chip on the assembly line, making sure it was free of defects before they were implanted into the mechanical bodies that were specifically prepared for them. He would do this for no less than eight hours, going between different areas of the plant and making sure everything was running smoothly in the other divisions. Then, at exactly five o’ clock, he would pack up his things, head home, enjoy a dinner alone and without any outside distractions to annoy or perturb him, and then head off to bed, fully prepared for the next day ahead – only to repeat the exact same cycle all over again, six days a week, with Sunday being the only exception. Yet, despite this seemingly boring existence, he was content to live this life continuously repeated daily, as it posed no abnormalities, nor any fear of the unknown.

Cepheus White was a man not much older than twenty-four years of age, and was, for all practical intents and purposes, a normal-looking person, no different than anyone else. He was of above-average height, standing at seventy-four inches tall. He was always dressed in a blue sleeveless shirt and denim jeans to match; his hair was dark blue and stylized into a hairstyle that parted his hair at two different places with perpendicular angles; his eyes were a piercing dark purple, and he wore a bronze band around his right wrist in a similar shape to a steering wheel, yet with a few extra spikes protruding from its edges. He was a kind of person who looked like he would stick out in a crowd, but strangely would not. True, his appearance may seem a bit unusual to some, but there was nothing much about him to catch the eye of an average person.

On the surface, anyway.

To Cepheus White, that bronze band had caused him nothing but trouble – not in the outside world, but an inner tumult constantly raged within his mind. If he were asked, and if he were willing, he could even tell you, accurate to the day, when this madness all began. Roughly five years ago, he had a dream in which contained a visitation by an incredibly peculiar creature; it was like a white horse, yet its body was slender and streamlined, its mane flowed out behind its head, and it had a strange yellow band around its chest, in the exact same shape as the band around Cepheus’ wrist. Cepheus had been told by this strange creature, which called itself ‘Arceus’, that he would be the first of many to lead the world into a new golden age. Cepheus had asked why this was so and what it meant, but the only answer he received was seen only when he awoke – the bronze band was fixed around his right wrist, where there was previously nothing.

And since then, his life had never been the same.

Not only had that bronze band become a stigma upon Cepheus’ person, immobile and immovable, but it had also endowed him with an unusual ability, one which he had borne with a heavy heart for five long years.
He had been imbued with the shocking ability to discern and detect emotions.

He was able to tell, at a glance, how an object – be it a person or even a synthetic Pokémon – was feeling in regards to its emotions. He found this ability to be rather strange at first, almost like a stigma upon his mind, yet it allowed him to see the world on a whole other level. He had used to close off the world around him, and try to be oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of those around him, but that bronze band had changed all that – it had effectively opened his eyes to another dimension of thought. These were no longer just people he worked with, but they were co-workers, compatriots, even brothers in arms – although he had never taken the step to calling them ‘friends’.

He had always considered himself a loner, and he was perpetuating that reputation each day. Even despite all he knew about Pokémon, both real and synthetic – for he had used his spare time to conduct Pokémon research, spending the entirety of every Sunday at the Canalave Library, one of the few remaining bastions of history and knowledge – he could never commit himself to obtaining a synthetic Pokémon for his own personal possession. He realized that a synthetic would be friendly toward him, it would be his companion, and it would obey his every command – but he worked at the Synthetics Plant. He knew too much about it to fully commit to the idea. It could never be an actual Pokémon; to him, he knew, past all the intricate motions and nuances, it was still just a machine.

That dream of five years past had influenced him profoundly as well; he knew that this ‘Arceus’ creature was an actual Pokémon. He had never read about or even seen a picture of Arceus before, but that encounter was just too real to dismiss casually. He knew there was something else, out there somewhere, a fragment of knowledge waiting to be found – but where? Many a night he had tormented his mind with this question.

And yet – what alternative was there? This entire world, and all the countries in it, was just an ever-growing organism of technology and metal. Yes, Cepheus had read many books about various ecosystems with exotic names such as ‘rainforest’ or ‘tundra’, but with all the metal around the world linked all together, did such places really exist anymore? Rapid transport allowed any civilian to travel from Kanto to Sinnoh in a matter of hours, but didn’t that just bring everything closer together, constricting the world in a steel embrace, not truly living yet alive in its own peculiar way? Cepheus could have been content with this urban paradise, where everything was perfect and the way it should be, exactly the way it had been designed...but he wasn’t. He was no longer able to be fully content...

Because of that dream.

Because of that dream, he knew there was something more than an orderly pattern of life. Because of that dream, he knew that there was something missing from the intricate jigsaw of the environment around him. Because of that dream, he had been continuously aggravated with that longing three-letter question, that probes through to the cores of the minds of all humankind: “Why?” Why were things the way they were? Why is the current state of things considered the norm? Why are there things that should exist on the planet (actual Pokémon being a prominent item of note), but are seen nowhere? Why does the entire world seem like one big lie?

Exactly five years after that dream, he got the answer...but in a form he would never have expected.

That night, after he had come home for work and was readying himself for the next day of mindless routine, he heard a yell. Not a brief, shrill yell, as if someone was in danger and needed immediate rescue. Not an echoing, emotional yell, as if someone had been watching sports and their home team had just scored another point. No, this yell was a terrified, prolonged yell, as if someone was hurtling through the air, unable to slow down or break a fall.

As it turned out, it wasn’t a ‘someone’; it was a ‘something’. A strange creature came flying near to Cepheus’ bedroom window and slammed against the wall outside in pain, before shrugging off the injury and entering Cepheus’ room through the window. Upon beholding this thing, Cepheus could hardly believe his eyes. The creature was a bright red color, looking much like a strange cross between a dog and a fox, and it had a mane and tail that were both comprised entirely of fire, and glowing bright red to match its body. To complete its strange look, its body was surrounded by a strange glowing outline of red, almost like a neon light. And despite having collided with a wall, it recuperated rather quickly and made its way up towards Cepheus’ face – by floating through the air.

“Hello there, Cepheus!” it started, enthusiastically. “I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you!”

Cepheus did not respond immediately. Rather, he surveyed his bedroom in detail calmly and methodically to make full light of the situation. This strange creature had come through his bedroom window, hit the wall, and had then come floating up to his face to greet him...

Wait. The window.

Cepheus looked back at his window. It was shut tight and locked. And yet he had seen the creature come through the window – quite literally. It went through the window; the window was not broken or shattered in any way, yet it was still locked securely.

What was this creature, capable of passing clear through a bolted window?

“...Am I dreaming?” Cepheus finally managed to say, turning back to the visitor.

“No, you’re not,” replied the floating creature. “You’re as wide awake as you’ve ever been. I’ve been sent here especially to talk to you, Cepheus.”

“How do you even know my name?”

“I’ve been watching you, silly! We Pokémon are constantly watching over the human world.”

“A Pokémon? That’s what you are?”

“Yes! Of the species Flareon, to be specific. Why do you look so surprised?”

“You’re not a synthetic, are you?”

“Those hideous things? Of course not! Sure, they may look like us, but they’re still just machines.”

“...Have you been reading my mind as well?”

“No; I’ve been watching you for five years now. I know how you think.”

“Five years...Five years ago, I had that dream...that dream that cursed me with this band!”

“That band’s been the best thing to ever happen to you, my friend! You’ve seen the world in a whole new light...for the empty metal coffin that it really is.”

“This is all too confusing. First, tell me what you are, what your name is, and why you are here.”

“Sure. My name’s Hector, and I am of the Flareon species of Pokémon, as I just mentioned. I’ve been sent here by the other Pokémon to be your partner.”

“My partner?”

“Yeah, your partner. Before I get into detail, would you do me a favor? Try to place your hand on my back. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.”
Cepheus, still utterly confused by this encounter, did as Hector bid him. As Cepheus reached his hand over to touch Hector’s back, his confusion was only compounded. His hand passed harmlessly through Hector’s body.

“...What in the...!?” Cepheus exclaimed.

“I’m a Spirit, Cepheus,” Hector responded. “I would have a material form, were it not for what happened all those years ago.”

“What happened then?”

“I suppose I can tell you now, seeing as you have more doubt in your mind than you’ve had in your entire life. Listen up; this is a pretty in-depth story.”
And so Hector told his harrowing tale. He told of the advances in human technology, of mankind’s aggressive and independent nature, of how all the Pokémon in the world were oppressed and in danger of losing their lives, and how they ultimately had to transcend into another mode of existence, from the material to the spiritual. In short, Hector told Cepheus a condensed version of the tale which I told to you at the very start of this story.

“And since that horrible day, we’ve been watching the human world. It’s not a pretty sight, watching the metal prison grow day by day for countless years. We long for the day that Pokémon can safely come back to the material world. And you, Cepheus...I want you to help us achieve that goal.”

“You’ve come to the wrong person,” Cepheus replied coldly.

“What? Why do you say that?”

“After everything you’ve told me, what am I supposed to believe now? That all of mankind is evil? That all people only pursue their own selfish interests? That it’s possible to revert everything back the way it was? And that you think I’m capable of pulling it off?”

“You want a better world, Cepheus. I can see it within your mind. That dream you had five years ago? It’s been slowly showing you the truth. We see human depravity. We see the souls of men. Do you think you’re the only one among millions who wants a better world? You’re not alone, Cepheus.”

“I assume you’re right. But, what’s all this ‘partner’ business?”

“We find that the safest way to actually be in the human world is to bind ourselves to a particular human, who then becomes a partner to that one Pokémon. A bond of friendship is formed that is so unbreakable that no force in existence can shatter it. And think of it, Cepheus...you’ll finally have a companion who thinks the same way you do. So, what do you say?”
Cepheus didn’t immediately respond. Pokémon partners? Oppressive humankind? Changing the world? It was all so hard to believe...but it was true, and he knew it; deep within his heart, past all the doubt and confusion, he knew it to be true. He couldn’t bring himself to refuse...yet he couldn’t bring himself to accept it so readily either. Everything was just so muddled now to him; nothing made sense anymore. He chose his words carefully as he replied to Hector, as he was more intent on organizing his thoughts than jumping into a commitment he might later regret.

“Can you let me think about it a little before deciding?” he asked. “It’s late, and I still have to prepare for work tomorrow.”

“I understand,” Hector answered. “This is not an easy decision, I know. I’ll let you think for yourself about this. If you want to accept or reject what I’ve said, it’s your decision and I will respect it. I’ll come visit you later when you’ve made your decision.”

And immediately after Hector finished his last sentence, he vanished from sight. Cepheus almost wished he could have forgotten what he just heard. He wanted now to be so much like everyone else – perfectly ordinary and content with life – but now his entire picture of the world had been shattered in minutes by an actual Pokémon, who had lost its physical body and now watched over the planet day and night. Then again, it had already been partly broken with that enigmatic dream which bestowed the accursed bronze band upon his wrist. Cepheus was still perplexed as to what he could possibly do to help or change the world. He tried not to think of it as he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

But even slumber was no longer a safe method of escape from the truth.

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[Zyflair]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 2 up!

Yes, it's me. No, I'm not back yet. Yes, I'm actually here to help you improve this story (with only two chapters you have now). Yes, I am typing this now as I'm reading it, so the following comments sound very impromptu.

Now, to start off, I never enjoy having things explained in the beginning; it gives no momentum to start with, and makes reading the opening difficult. The third paragraph ("And by now, you have...") worsens the dead pace with silly filler. Of course we have no idea, so just tell us. I am a tad bit interested in the intro, however, as I wouldn't expect you to have progressed into science-fiction (well, I realize you're capable, but still, didn't realize that you'd actually make something sci-fi). Also, Watchers? Can I ask which influence got you to pick that name? Twig hit dead on with his point, as you already know, so you'll probably fix that too. I probably would include a specific Watcher that appears in the beginning - giving the remaining Pokémon a choice - to help ease into that transition.

Chapter Two kind of sets a sci-fi reader off a-kilter; why are there still human laborers in the assembly line? Using one of their perfect machines would be more effective as they would malfunction less than sentient, more-easily-distracted beings. The sudden switch to the introduction of Arcues proves to be just as unsettling. There's just no steady movement to where you bring the story. Also, you actually use a Flareon and you decide to simply name it Hector on a whim.

Obviously, I have issues with that, but you're free to ignore them. >[

While your mechanics are fine, you have problems handling the plot. It's alot to manage, but you're trying to shove it all in just two small boxes (not to mention that a human suffering for five years hasn't experienced some mental breakdown). Most writers would probably extend what you just wrote to three or even four chapters (for me, four, with absolutely no reference to the Watchers until much later, and describing a future society instead of that intro of yours). Don't rush it. I want to enjoy your story, not get pushed through it.

That is all.

~Zyflair

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 2 up!

who on earth are you supposed to be

Truth be told, I saw your post about a week ago. But when I saw it my brain had shut off for the day, so allow me to give a fuller response to what you've posted (while I desperately try to ignore that Umbreon gif staring at me - seriously, it throws me off).

I'm not exactly sure how you got the idea that this was something sci-fi. Perhaps the idea that this is set in a distant metallic future? I think you've told me I haven't planned out that idea as well as I should...still, it's intended to be more of a Pokemon fic where I steal ideas or parts of ideas off of several different other series...the list is a bit long so I won't say it.

As for Watchers? I think it's a name that got stuck in my head...I think I kept thinking of "Watchmen" and altered the name a bit. Silly reason, I know, but it was the best-sounding thing...It's like giving a name to a group of Pokemon that already exists without resorting to calling them "legendary Pokemon". I mean, I'm trying to zero in on the Sinnoh legends as the Watchers, but calling them "Sinnoh legends" isn't all that coherent. Regardless, point taken.

The Flareon bit? I'll be honest - I was cycling through a bunch of different Pokemon ideas that I could use to give the protagonist, and I wanted to pick one that wasn't horribly cliche. (I actually tried to do that for everybody.) Granted, Flareon is my favorite out of those seven, and the thought that lingered most in my head, but admittedly, I could have survived without choosing Flareon. Then again, does it really matter that much who I pick?
In the story I also recycled a bunch of characters I'd used in various RPs, as well as fanfics both finished and unfinished that I had written, or even characters based on people I know. In truth, not a lot of these characters are completely new...to me. Cepheus and Hector were both recycled.

I'm not exactly sure how much I could change at this point without having to dismantle a plot element or even a chapter. Perhaps if I had time to rewrite the introduction...it could solve many problems.

In closing,

I probably would include a specific Watcher that appears in the beginning - giving the remaining Pokémon a choice - to help ease into that transition.

You mean the transition into the spirit world? Ah yes, that's an easy fix: they didn't have a choice. They'd be dead either way.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 3 up!

[Back to Top]

First a brief aside or two before I keep going, and then, I'll post the next chapter.

Truth be told, part of the reason why I chose Flareon for Cepheus was because I wanted to show Flareon in sort of a new light. When people are asked about Eeveelutions, Espeon, Leafeon, and Umbreon are usually the ones that people prefer the most. Flareon ends up at the bottom of the list, not only because he seems so ordinary looking, but as far as stats with movepool go...it's totally horrible. I've developed a sort of fondness for these "underdog" Pokemon (such as Claydol and Regigigas) almost in an attempt to the world to get them to pay a little attention to them. (Yes, part of my modus operandi, right here.)

Without further ado...here's my next chapter. Here, I not only introduce a new facet to the story, but also a new character...one too big to ignore.

Stats for this chapter (3):
Page Count: 1.8; Word Count: 1064
(Technically it is under 2 pages, but it still fits the 1000-word guideline)

Spoiler

~~~
3 – Visit

[Thursday, July 15, 10.26 PM]

Cepheus groggily opened his eyes, and found himself lying on a cold stone surface, expanding out in every direction. The atmosphere above him was nothing but blackness – not even a star served as light. And yet, he was able to see around him, as this strange place was lit by an invisible, otherworldly source, of unknown origination. He scrambled to his feet and looked about him, in an attempt to figure out where he was, and why he was here. As if by magic, the answer was provided to him directly in front of his feet. He looked down at the ground, and chiseled into the rock face were the words ‘You’re in this dream for a reason’. There came to Cepheus a brief sense of relief at this fact, but at the same time, he wondered why he would dream about a place such as this, with no signs of life to be seen anywhere. His thought was then answered yet again, not with words chiseled in stone, but with two deep haunting words, echoing through the shadows.

“You’re not.”

The voice came from behind him. Cepheus whipped around to find the source of the noise and to encounter the speaker, but still there was nothing. Then, for the first time in many years, Cepheus was clutched by the cold grip of an emotion he had not felt in ages – an overwhelming sense of fear.

“Who’s there?!” he shouted into the darkness, demanding an answer, his voice quivering.

He was answered yet again by the sound of footsteps, echoing off the cold stone floor. The noise was coming closer and closer towards him, of two feet marching in perfect time, never faltering or missing a beat even for a fraction of a second, coming toward Cepheus with absolute purpose and certainty. Then the owner of the footsteps came into view. It was a man who stood head and shoulders above Cepheus. None of his features could be seen save for his hands and feet, which were covered by black gloves and boots respectively, as his entire body was covered by a dark brown cloak. Yet from that alone, Cepheus could discern whoever this man was, he was incredibly muscular. And, most likely, he was the one orchestrating this dream encounter.

The man came closer and closer to Cepheus, not wavering one millimeter from his intended path. Cepheus knew the inevitable was coming, and so steeled his mind, wrenching free of fear’s icy clutch as he faced this stranger. The giant man came within three feet of Cepheus before finally halting his walk, standing in front of the uncertain boy, almost as if daring him to speak. For a brief period, there was no speech interchanged between the two, as Cepheus was taking his time, analyzing this peculiar man, sizing him up mentally, his eyes darting around the man’s figure, looking for anything that might give a clue to his identity – but unfortunately, there was none. The man then broke the silence with his dark, echoing voice.

“Well?” he asked, his speech bouncing off the rock.

“Who are you?” Cepheus inquired in return, his voice steadily returning to normal.

“That’s all you can ask? ‘Who are you?’ Do you have nothing better to say?”

“I’m not sure what to say to you. Were you sent to me as well?”

“Sent to you? Someone was sent to you? By whom?”

Cepheus was confused as to what to answer. This dark and sinister character, in Cepheus’ mind, couldn’t be trusted as far as Cepheus could throw him. And, judging by his build, that wouldn’t be very far at all. Therefore, he tried a different tact with his response.

“Why should I tell you?” Cepheus said.

“That’s just it,” the man responded. “You shouldn’t.”

“What?” Cepheus asked, befuddled.

“Listen to me, boy. You know now that mankind, ages ago, was unkind to Pokémon, enough so that they forced them off of your planet. Do you think that this attitude has changed at all in your present time?”

“What kind of a question is that?”

“There are those who know that Pokémon do exist in spirit form in this world, boy. And they’re none too kind about it. If they find out you’re a Pacter, they’ll find you and hunt you down, and they may even kill you and your Pokémon partner.”

“A Pacter? What?”

“You’ll get all the information you need from Hector in the morning. Just know that as long as you have Hector with you, your life is in danger.”

“My life in danger? What kind of an accusation is that?”

“I have my ways, boy. How else do you think I’m speaking to you in a dream of my own design? I know how to find out what I need to know.”

“But now that you’ve told me that my life would be in danger, what makes you think I’ll decide to accept Hector’s offer now?”

“I already know you’re going to say yes.”

“What...? ... ...Who are you?”

“Just know that I’ll be watching you Cepheus. I’ll always be watching you.”
The strange man then performed an about face, pivoting on the balls of his huge feet, and walked back along the path from which he had arrived, away from Cepheus. Cepheus, now greatly concerned for his own safety, began to chase after the man, asking him numerous questions with a panic-stricken voice.

“Wait, please! There’s so much I don’t know! Why will my life be in danger? Why do I need to know all of this? Why can’t things go back to the way they were? Please! Tell me!”

The man answered him nothing as he kept on marching, turning a deaf ear to Cepheus’ pleas. Then, as the man faded away into darkness, so too did the rest of the dream. And when Cepheus awoke with a start, the next day had started. The sun was rising above the horizon, bathing the world in a magical golden light, full of hope and promise.

But for Cepheus, he could no longer see that – only uncertainty and despair. His life would quite literally never be the same again, and worse, he had no idea if it was for the worse or better. Only time would tell...but not knowing the answers gave him even more pain within his soul. When would this madness end?

I will say right here...the timestamp given at the chapter is not fully accurate; it is the time that Cepheus had gone to sleep, but it may or may not be the exact time that the dream happened. Dreams are very much independent of the passage of time, so an exact moment cannot really be affixed to them. This applies to most dreams in this story.

And so now we have an "all-knowing (supposedly)" dream man on our hands...

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

[Back to Top]

I'm not sure if anyone cares about me writing anymore, or if they are just too lazy to comment, but in any case, I want to start getting people's attention again about this thing. I know Zy and Twig noticed, but a following would be nice. Anyway...

If you'll notice as you read this chapter, it's almost like a repeat of chapter 2, but a little different. And if you have a careful eye, you'll notice something else to laugh at, amidst the seriousness of the plot.

...I get the nagging feeling that I overlooked something when I revised this chapter. If you see anything that doesn't look coherent, alert me immediately.
Oh yes, and now I'm taking advantage of the spoiler tags.

Stats for this chapter (4):
Page Count: 3.8; Word Count: 2326

Spoiler

~~~
4 – Respect

[Friday, July 16, 7.03 AM]

To Cepheus White, every day was just like the one before it, with very little variation in between. Every morning he would wake up, get dressed, have breakfast, and prepare himself for...

Or at least, that was what his life used to be, but now, it would no longer be truly possible, not after what happened the previous night. After the strange visitations from Hector the Pokémon spirit, and that equally strange nameless man that had even gone so far as to invade Cepheus’ dreams, what was Cepheus to think anymore? The mystery man had told Cepheus that his life would be in danger as long as Hector was around him, but despite all that, he had been told he would accept Hector’s offer anyway. Could that man see the future? Did he orchestrate this entire encounter? Most importantly, who or what was he? Cepheus didn’t know, and he wondered if he would ever know. All he was hoping was that he’d get the answers...or at least a way out of all of this, a light to lead him out of this mental dark tunnel.

Cepheus was met with a small sense of relief when he woke up. As he went about his preparations for his day at the plant, he realized that Hector was nowhere to be found. Cepheus had partly expected to see Hector the following morning bright and early, ready to hear his inevitable decision, but fortunately for Cepheus, Hector was not around. To Cepheus, that meant either Hector was still giving him time to decide, or that everything that happened last night was just a crazy figment of his imagination...and if it was a crazy figment, it meant it was one of the craziest figments to ever exist.

Cepheus left his house and walked the ten-minute path toward the Synthetics Plant. Hector was still nowhere in sight. Was Hector watching him from this mysterious world of spirits that he said he was from? Or was he invisible, right behind Cepheus, watching his every move, concealing himself from everyone? Cepheus decided to stop thinking about it immediately; every thought about Hector watching him, or anything having to do with what happened to him the previous night, filled him with worry and concern.

As the working day started, at nine o’clock on the dot, Cepheus did what he had been doing for years, what he had been trained to do, and was now almost a part of his very being...it was quite literally second nature to him. Roughly eighteen months before his bizarre Arceus dream, Cepheus had been celebrating his eighteenth birthday. Even before that, he had dreamt of the day where he could apply to work at the Synthetics Plant. Even when he was growing up, he was so interested in technology, artificial intelligence, data storage...the whole works, and as such, he found the Synthetics Plant to be an ideal job for him. He had been partly inspired by his childhood friend, a boy named Lyon, who was likewise obsessed with technology. Lyon was one of those people who loved tinkering with machines and little projects that his mind constantly conjured up, at times even losing sleep and meals over trying to create something new. Although Lyon was one year Cepheus’ junior, Lyon had left a deep impression upon Cepheus before he moved away to his hometown of Snowpoint City. Now, at twenty-four, at the Synthetics Plant in Cepheus’ hometown of Hearthome City, Cepheus had become a high-ranking worker at the plant and had been cited by the higher-ups as a model employee many times over. He was held in high esteem by virtually all of his co-workers and even several of his supervisors. No one had an ill word to say about Cepheus. He was practically perfect.

Yet even today, they noticed that something was wrong with him. Oh sure, he was still doing his job in the same mechanical precise way he had always done, but his face betrayed his mind. It was saddened, drooping, and even troubled, so much so that his coworkers worried for him. Come the lunch break, Cepheus had been called in to his supervisor’s office to address this heretofore unknown problem. Cepheus was by no means shocked, as this had happened a few times in the past, usually in regards to praise of his flawless work. However, today was markedly different, as he would soon see.

“Cepheus, I’ve noticed something different about you today,” his supervisor, whose name plate identified him as ‘L. Jenkins’, said to the employee.

“Why do you say that, sir?” Cepheus asked.

“It’s all over your face, Cepheus. Have you taken a look in a mirror lately? Usually you look so energetic and chipper. Now you look sad and horrible.”

“I hadn’t noticed, sir.”

“Has something traumatic happened to you recently? A death of a family member? A burglary in the neighborhood, maybe? Or is it just stress?”

“No, sir. Nothing at all,” Cepheus lied through his teeth. He had always been against the notion of making other people worry about him, and so now he lied to keep his supervisor from doing so.

“Well, in any case, I don’t want you worrying about us at the plant. If you need to take a day or two off at the plant to set your affairs in order, don’t hesitate to do so.”

“Thank you for your generous offer sir, but I’m much more content to stay at work. It’s not a big deal, really. I’ll continue working for you as I always have.”

“If you say so, Cepheus. Well, I won’t keep you any longer. Lunch break is almost over now. I wouldn’t want you getting in trouble talking to me too long!”

“No, sir. Thank you very much, sir.”

Although Cepheus did end up going back to work after the conversation, he felt even worse after the fact, yet he had not let his face betray him. He had lied to his supervisor – something a model employee would never even think of doing. Yet, if he had told the truth, who would believe him? Who would believe that an incorporeal Pokémon spirit came into his room through his window one night and told him all the injustices that he’d seen in the world? He might have well purchased a button that read ‘Certified Insane’ and tacked it to his shirt, and it wouldn’t draw a greatly different reaction from the people around him. Yet it was still painful to hide the truth. Cepheus had never lied before in his life. Would he need to lie more to keep last night’s encounter a secret? Or was it all just in his mind? He wasn’t quite sure himself. He shut it out of his mind as he continued his work.

His duty today was to put the finishing touches of an AI chip for a synthetic, designed to match behavioral patterns of a Cherrim. He had actually designed the body outline for the Cherrim synthetic himself, and had also vastly contributed to the AI chip itself. This caught the attention of the higher officials and had almost netted Cepheus a promotion and substantial pay raise due to his new innovations, but he turned it down, as he still loved to do what he was doing at that time. And even now, he still was. He felt pleased as he put the finishing touches on his own creation. It was still just a prototype synthetic, but even so, virtually the entire Cherrim was the work of his own two hands.

Five o’clock came around, and Cepheus ended up having to stay a little later than usual, fine-tuning the Cherrim until it was completed to his own satisfaction. He wanted this synthetic Cherrim to be perfect, mirroring the behavior of an actual Cherrim as much as possible – or at least what he believed was actual Cherrim behavior. He had spent much of his spare time researching Pokémon species at the Canalave Library, and it was during this time he obtained ideas for his newest projects. He was always reminded of Lyon as he studied Pokémon in-depth, as it would be just the sort of thing Lyon would do, and possibly was doing even right now – although Cepheus did not know for sure, since he had not seen Lyon in years. And, knowing Lyon, he was probably designing a Froslass synthetic prototype or something similar right now. Cepheus, thinking of this, now obtained yet another prototype idea to develop. He had equipped the Cherrim with a solar sensor, causing it to fold and unfold its petals based on the weather, and also to power the state-of-the-art solar battery pack installed into the synthetic. He had designed the colors and body piece designs by himself, tweaking them continually until they matched Cherrim coloration. He had programmed the AI to be cheery and upbeat during sunny days, and slightly less so, potentially even depressed, during cloudy days. In the end, his finished product was his own creation, the Cherrim prototype created with his own two hands.

“Cepheus, you’re here late,” a voice asked. Cepheus turned with a start and saw that it was his supervisor, Mr. Jenkins.

“Oh, Mr. Jenkins,” Cepheus replied. “Hello.”

“It’s a quarter to six. Everyone else has gone home. What are you still doing here?”

“I was just putting the finishing touches on the Cherrim prototype, sir. I’d just wrapped everything up when you came in.”

“You’ve been taking a lot of pride in that Cherrim, haven’t you?”

“Yes I have, sir. If the higher-ups like it, we might be able to begin mass production within two weeks.”

“The higher-ups love the contributions you make, Cepheus. You may not realize it, but there are many people out there, not just at this company, who look up to you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Do you remember your very first prototype you made?”

“The Leafeon one? Yes, I do, actually.”

“When the higher-ups reviewed it critically, they found that it was so incredible and so well-crafted that they immediately demanded to know who made it. I told them it was you. That was when you were offered your first promotion...and, of course, you promptly turned it down.”

“Ah, yes. But, what does that have to do with looking up to me?”

“Ever since then, we have made it a habit to include, in the synthetic’s instruction manual, the name of the initial designer of that particular species. Your Leafeon was so good that stores were struggling to keep them in stock. People loved the idea of a synthetic equipped with an air freshener! In fact, there were articles in some larger cities across the ocean where so many people had bought the Leafeon model that the tourists there couldn’t believe how clean the air was. Even the children loved Leafeon because it was so cuddly! You’ve made an incredible impact, Cepheus, what with all the contributions you’ve made to the company.”

“Thank you very much, sir...I’m not really worthy of that kind of praise. I’m just another cog in the machine.”

“A cog with a treasure trove of ideas, Cepheus. You underscore yourself immensely.”

“Sir, may I ask a favor?”

“Sure; what is it?”

“I know the prototypes are usually sent to the higher-ups for their test runs, but if it is not too much to ask, would you mind if I test-ran the Cherrim prototype myself? I’ve never owned any synthetic, much less one of my own creation, and I’d like to see how everything works.”

“I’ll need to contact the director. He’s still here, fortunately, so sit tight and I’ll contact him.”

Mr. Jenkins then walked over to a telephone affixed to the wall, and dialed a few keys quickly – presumably, the code for the director’s office. He then began to speak into the receiver.

“Director? Yes, this is Leroy Jenkins, the supervisor of Division 7...I wish to ask if an employee can test-run a prototype instead of the board... ...It was the employee’s request, sir... ...His name? Cepheus. Cepheus White... ...Is that your decision, sir? ... ...Yes. Yes, thank you sir; I’ll tell him immediately.... ...Thank you, sir. Goodbye.”

Cepheus then awaited his supervisor’s news as the man hung up the phone and walked back over to him.

“He says he’d be delighted for you to test-run the prototype,” Mr. Jenkins told Cepheus, “provided you fulfill the following condition.”

“What’s the condition?” Cepheus asked.

“Try to keep the prototype out of sight. As you know, we tend to keep secretive of newer projects so the public will be in store for a bigger surprise, and if word gets out about what the next synthetic is, it’ll be all over the world within three minutes.”

“I understand, sir. Thank you very much, sir.”

“I doubt the director would have allowed anyone other than you to try it out, Cepheus. It just goes to show how highly they think of you. Fortunately, the prototype is small enough to fit in your briefcase, so concealing it should be no big task.”

“Again, thank you very much.”

“Not a problem, Cepheus. Now hurry home! I don’t want you losing meals staying so late after work!”

With that, Cepheus left the plant greatly enthused. He had just been handed the opportunity of a lifetime! He had been given the chance to test-run his own creation, a Cherrim prototype, before the public would even get a taste of it! He’d never really given a thought about owning a synthetic before, but after seeing what joy they brought to people, he thought he should share in that joy. Cherrim was his fifth prototype that he had designed, and one he was incredibly proud of. He was grateful to his supervisor and to the plant director for this golden opportunity.

But what would Hector think about it?

World of Warcraft, anyone?

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[Unique Username]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

I just read through the story thus far – every chapter was an intoxicating delight to delve into; I could immerse myself in this imaginative universe known as Nightmare. I love the way you phrase certain things (i.e. paradigm shift – pure awesome, plus it reminds me of FFXIII) and how you use introspection to usher in the atmosphere of your story. I know a few writers who do this, and I honestly admire their ability to write this way. I cannot, sadly (I like active action and the present too much). The first chapter is a very intriguing, very unique concept and I absolutely love it. Speculations of the detrimental future, the twisted rationale of civilization...its fascination with the uncanny valley, and its morbid voracity to annihilate what was once considered precious. It definitely caught my attention and it certainly held my interest.

I will be reviewing the fourth chapter – though, it is more of a grammar and syntax critique. These are mainly suggestions, so feel free to use them (or otherwise). :3

-

but fortunately (at least for Cepheus), Hector was not around.

Parentheses may not be required here; it might sound better to shorten it as not to detract the reader, like:

...but fortunately for Cepheus, Hector was not around.

...was just a crazy figment of his imagination...and if it was a crazy figment, it meant it was one of the craziest figments to ever exist.

The noun 'figment' might be a bit overused here, yet this brings a slightly humorous timbre to the sentence that I quite enjoy. :3

Cepheus left his house and walked the 10-minute path...

Numerals are usually reserved for dates, model or serial numbers, specific measurements, etc. It may be better to use the written number, 'ten', instead.

And even before that, he had dreamt of the day...

This is personal preference, though using the conjunction 'and' to start a sentence is usually not required.

Lyon was one of those people who loved tinkering with machines and little projects that his mind constantly conjures up

Oops! Present tense. Change the 's' to a 'd' and you're set :3

And even they could notice that, today, something was wrong with him.

The sentence structure is a bit odd. A suggestion may be to revise and rearrange the words to help it become concise:

Even today, they noticed that something was wrong with him.

heretofore problem

A very interesting word choice – I like it!

I love the dialogue sequence that follows – very nicely written; it harbours a wonderful ebb and flow between two conversationalists, especially as a professional environment would dictate.

incorporeal Pokémon spirit

I love the way you incorporated this adjective – awesome!

I adore the introspection in this entire paragraph; I love how Cepheus questions the fact that he committed an immoral behaviour shunned by the tongue of an honesty society, and what he should do next. It delves into his morale as a character, which is an excellent way to open up the coffer of his inner sanctum; how he thinks, feels, etc. Very nicely done.

(Cepheus, thinking of this, now obtained yet another prototype idea to work on.)

It may be best for parentheses of this length to be revised into an active sentence.

“Cepheus, you’re here late,” a voice asked.

'Asked' is usually proceeded by a question mark. It may be better to replace this word for something like 'remarked', or possibly revise the sentence to suit the verb:

“Cepheus, why are you here so late?” a voice asked.

I love Mr. Jenkins. He is – quite possibly, the kindest supervisor ever. The sheer magnitude of his encouraging praise for Cepheus elicits a brimming sensation of pride in your heart. We have observed an insightful and intimate fragment of Cepheus' life, knowing of his accomplishments and how they have affected society. I applaud you with dynamic enthusiasm!

Overall, excellent story. Keep at it, DNA~!

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

Ah, yes, a post that is not only a critique to my fanfic, but also a great encouragement. I love it!

I was wondering if anyone actually cared or was paying attention, but I think since you expressed concern, I was more compelled to keep posting new submissions. I found all of your suggestions and comments quite interesting, and the only one of those I didn't change was the figment one, because it was supposed to be humorous on purpose. (And yes, I am a fan of old English words such as 'heretofore'. I'm a sucker for them.)

I'll go alter my post with the changes you suggested (I've already changed the original Word document). Thank you very much, Unique, for your input!

 

[HolyMackerel]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

Ah, so you are a writer.

Sorry, at first I saw this, and was mainly thinking...
Ugh...
Such a long chapter..
I'm too lazy

But, today I manned-up(laddied-up?) and read it all. It is very good. Sometimes I find myself skimming the details, but that may just be my nature. I really like this, but sometimes it bothers me of how obediant Cepheus is. Any employee lies to thier bosses, but that just may be our society.

It looks good so far. Very nice.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

If you say "laddied-up", it means you're a lad. So I should inform you that you put one extra D in that word by mistake. Moving on...

I'm sorry if I bored you in any way while reading this (it's a lot of material to read at once, I totally understand), but I must ask, why does the concept of a model employee bother you that much? I mean yes, people do lie in our society, but Cepheus only did so to save his backside, so to speak. Is there a bit more to your reasoning or was that all?

Thank you for the feedback, nonetheless.

Ugh...Such a long chapter..I'm too lazy

Not lazier than me, I assure you.

 

[HolyMackerel]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

I'm just saying, I don't a single employee who hasn't lied to thier boss at least once, so my issue is is that there isn't really a model employee if that employee lies. Although, I am probably wrong due to the fact that I am more of a glass half-empty sort of person.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

Although, I am probably wrong due to the fact that I am more of a glass half-empty sort of person.

I'm a huge optimist, so if I see a glass I'll fill it until it's overflowing =D

Edit: ST17 you can zap your post now

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 4 up!

[Back to Top]

So before I bump this I'm sure you're all very well aware by now that my old flash drive got corrupted back in April of this year, and when it happened I lost all of Nightmare - the only backup I had was months old, leaving me with just 4 chapters - the ones I've already posted to the Internet.

After I finished my spring classes, I spent the summer vacation reviving my love for Nightmare and began to rewrite it all from scratch. I had all of the plot still in my memory, fresh as ever, but instead of doing a carbon-copy rewrite, I decided to write it a bit differently. I rearranged the cast a little bit, gave Hector the Flareon a bit more screentime (in the original he had barely any lines) and managed to slip in a few bits of comic relief...they don't detract from the serious air of the story at all but they are there to make sure you're paying attention.

In short,

k so. In this rewrite I actually counted the timespan that this fanfic takes from start to finish...it starts on a Thursday evening and ends on a Friday morning, so I guess you could call it the "Eight Days of Terror". Those of you familiar with Pokebeach history will know what kind of implications that carries, but I digress.

At this point, Cepheus just took his recently finished synthetic home (read chapter 4 for a refresher) and now he's about to see how Hector reacts to its presence, whether positively or negatively. I think as far as the plot is concerned, this chapter 5 has very little impact on the overall plot imo, BUT it's essential for Cepheus' character development so I find this chapter to be indispensable, as well as a little humorous.
No wait. What happens at the end of the chapter is TOTALLY essential to the plot as well as character development. Disregard that last sentence.

Now, without further ado, I bring you Nightmare's revival!!

Stats for this chapter (5):
Page Count: 2.3; Word Count: 1328

Spoiler

~~~
5 – Partner

[Friday, July 16, 6.12 PM]

The reaction that Cepheus had anticipated from Hector regarding the Cherrim was the one that he knew that Hector would display – and it was one of disgust. When Cepheus arrived home, he set his briefcase upon a table, and opened it up to reveal a few of his belongings, including the recently finished Cherrim prototype, which had a coloration scheme slightly different from regular Cherrim – the outward petals were blue instead of purple, and the inward petals were a deeper shade of pink than normal. As Cepheus removed the Cherrim from the briefcase and turned it on – which caused its petals to open up, revealing a cheery smiling face – Hector appeared from behind Cepheus, as an incorporeal being would do, and upon looking at the Cherrim, he grimaced.

“What on earth is that hideous thing?” Hector asked.

“This?” Cepheus replied. “It’s a Cherrim synthetic. What of it?”

“Why would you...even bother taking this home with you? It’s hideous!”

“You may think that, Hector, but I made it all the same.”

“Even so, it doesn’t make sense. You know it’s just a machine.”

“Have you ever made something yourself, Hector?” Cepheus questioned, changing the topic slightly in order to convey his point.

“What do you mean?”

“Let me give you an analogy. When a child builds an object all by him or herself – for example, a model car – that child feels incredibly attached to it, and also quite proud, because it was something that was the work of his or her own two hands. This Cherrim synthetic is the same way for me. It’s taken me almost three full weeks to construct it, and I made the entire thing by myself. And now, I actually get to keep something I’ve made for myself, instead of having to submit it for review.”

“...I just don’t understand, Cepheus. How can you be so attached to something that you know is just something you made yourself?”

“That’s exactly why I’m so attached.”

“Pardon?”

“You have quite a bit to learn about human emotion, it seems...”

Cepheus then turned around and began to unpack the rest of the items in his briefcase – most of them were papers and blueprints of various kinds. As he was doing this, the Cherrim prototype looked over at Hector and gave its biggest smile, its mouth wide open, waving one of its tiny hands at the Flareon Spirit. Hector’s face drooped as he gave a look of disapproval and turned away, but even that rejection couldn’t dull the attitude of the Cherrim, who continued to wave at Hector. This displeased Hector even more, as even though he wasn’t looking at the synthetic, he knew it was still waving at him despite his dislike of it.

After Cepheus had eaten his dinner, and taken note of how his prototype acted and moved around, Hector decided to seize the moment and pose the inevitable question before Cepheus decided to retire for the day.

“Cepheus, wait a moment,” Hector asked. “Before you go to sleep...you said you’d think about the decision of whether or not you’d accept my offer.”

“You mean about the partnership, right?”

“Exactly. So, what do you say? Or do you still need a little more time to think?”

“I am still not sure myself. I know that there are good people that are still in this world, and yet...I cannot deny the weight of what you are telling me. It’s still hard to swallow...”

“If you want another day to decide, I can –”

“No, I’ve decided. I accept your offer.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes, Hector. I don’t want to sit idly by anymore while the world keeps going on like it is now. I want to actually make a difference, one that will actually benefit humankind.”

“The people at the Synthetics Plant seem to think you’re doing that pretty well already.”

“It’s still not the same, though – there’s no lasting change. And if you believe that the two of us can bring about this lasting change...then I accept your offer.”

“You’ve changed quite a bit, Cepheus...change for the better. Very well!”

“So, what do I need to do now? Say a chant? Dance around three times? Drink two liters of water in one sitting?”

“Oh, no, no, nothing as degrading as that. It’s pretty simple, really – all you need to do is grab my paw.”

The fire-fox then extended his right front paw towards the quizzical human, as if expecting him to grasp it and give it a good solid handshake. Cepheus couldn’t see any real harm in shaking Hector’s paw – but then again, Hector was a Spirit – shaking his paw could result in something crazy, such as gaining the ability to become invisible, or even becoming a Spirit himself. Yet, there was no point in prolonging the inevitable, and if Cepheus didn’t act, Hector would probably take the initiative anyway and grab Cepheus’ hand himself. Cepheus just simply reached out and grabbed Hector’s paw with his right hand.

Much to his surprise, Cepheus found Hector’s paw to be quite firm, and his hand didn’t pass through him at all. Additionally, as he grasped the paw, Cepheus felt an incredible burst of energy surge through his entire body in just a short fleeting moment, every nerve and muscle within him brimming with power. And, as suddenly as this wave of strength appeared, it vanished. Other than that, Cepheus couldn’t see or feel anything different, yet he was still holding Hector’s paw quite firmly.

“What on earth was that?” Cepheus asked.

“You’re now a Pacter, Cepheus,” Hector responded, “and as such, you’ve been imbued with incredible latent power. Not only that, but we now share a bond of friendship that is utterly unbreakable.”

“How unbreakable, exactly?”

“How about you let go of my paw, now, and find out?”

Cepheus did as Hector told him to, and much to his surprise, he saw an unusual circular insignia in the palm of his right hand. It consisted of a single red filled-in circle in its middle, surrounded by other lines and markings around it, a few of which were shaped much like flames. Extending from the center circle was a tether, much like a neon string, which shot forth from Cepheus’ hand and went straight towards Hector, who had an identical insignia on his right paw that served as the terminus for the tether.

“This tether is our bond?” Cepheus questioned.

“It’s something both real and symbolic,” Hector answered. “It makes us totally inseparable – where you go, I will go with you. We’re together, through thick and thin, be it in good times or bad. And just as we are there for each other, so we can also lend our powers to one another.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It requires a bit of a lengthy explanation, and I’d rather speak about it when we have a bit more time. For now, the hour is late, and I suggest the both of us get some sleep.”

“If you say so, but I have quite a lot of concerns about this.”

“But of course. I will answer all your questions on the morrow.”

Trusting Hector to keep his word, Cepheus decided to then retire for the night, but he didn’t so easily, as he still had a plethora of questions to which he had no answers. What did it mean to be a Pacter? What kind of powers was Hector talking about when he said they would lend their powers to one another? What was the meaning of the tether? But most importantly of all, how did that mysterious cloaked man know ahead of time that Cepheus would choose this path, for better or for worse?

He didn’t want to let it worried him, so he decided to clock out as soon as he could, not worrying about it until the morning. However, his dreams had other designs for him – or rather, a certain individual he met in his dreams.

Nope, there was no fraternity-style hazing involved in this fanfic. Stop asking.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 6 up!

[Back to Top]

I know many of you have been waiting for this new installment for a while, and if you haven't...well, then welcome to the show. I know you people at TWH have been waiting...or at least some of you, so here you go.

Chapter 5 is actually a pretty pivotal chapter as far as the plot goes, so if you haven't read chapter 5, then reading chapter 6 will make little, if any, sense. (Then again, what you should be doing is starting to read from chapter 1 anyway.) So if you don't remember chapter 5, it wouldn't hurt to go re-read it.

Chapter 6 here is actually pretty short. As intimated by the end of chapter 5, we've got the unnamed character stepping in for a brief visit, but this time he's a bit more serious... How serious? Well, I won't spoil it for you.

Stats for this chapter (6):
Page Count: 2.1; Word Count: 1086

Spoiler

~~~
6 – Mystery

[Saturday, July 17, 1.32 AM]

Cepheus awakened to find himself on a large stone floor, its feel cool yet also unforgiving. The floor was uniform in structure throughout, and appeared to be made of some sort of granite. There seemed to be nothing for miles around, yet the place was lit somehow from an unknown source.

He’d been here before. This is exactly where Cepheus had been taken the previous night in a dream. Was he dreaming again? And if so, was that strange person behind it all? Cepheus hoped he would get his answers sooner than later – he dreaded the thought of having to encounter that mysterious giant.

He was somehow relieved when he saw Hector at his side, sleeping while suspended in midair. The tether hung limp from his paw, binding him to Cepheus.

(Hm...Hector’s in this dream as well...) Cepheus thought. (Do Spirits enter the same dreams as their Pacters?)

Then it happened. The inhuman chill that shot both up and down Cepheus’ spine simultaneously – the chill of grave fear. It was brought about by the sound of footsteps echoing loudly across the rock floor. That man was approaching, with the same purposeful pace as before, and even though Cepheus couldn’t see the man, he knew he was here.

He regained his composure, and decided to wake his sleeping partner by gently nudging him awake. He didn’t want Hector to know, but he was afraid to face this stranger again alone. Cepheus was able to touch Hector as he had the night before, and the Flareon gradually woke up, blinking his eyes a few times to see where he was.

“Cepheus! Was that you?” he asked.

“Yeah, it was.”

“Where are we?”

“I don’t know, but I have the feeling we’re dreaming.”

“What’s that noise? It sounds like footsteps...”

“He’s coming...”

“Who? Who’s coming?”

When Hector said this last sentence, the originator of the footstep echoes came into sight – an enigmatic man, at least eighty inches in height, whose very presence seemed to exude an aura of both importance and terror. He was headed straight for Cepheus and Hector, his careful march unwavering. Cepheus and Hector were unable to speak, being deeply stricken by dread at what this man would do. Unlike the previous encounter, he stopped twenty feet from Cepheus, instead of three as he had done before.

For about ten seconds, there was silence in the gloom. Nobody made a move or a sound – even the noise of breath seemed to be drowned in the nothingness. The mystery man then decided to break the silence with his strong, intimidating voice.

“Well?” he boomed.

“Well what?” Cepheus returned.

“You’re a full-fledged Pacter now, aren’t you?”

“What of it?”

“How about you prove it to me, then?”

“Prove it to you?”

“Yes! A simple showing of your skills should do. Come on, fight me!”

“Fight you? Are you crazy? I can’t win against you! Not only that, I don’t even know how to fight.”

“That was the wrong answer.”

Without even waiting for Cepheus to respond, the mystery man then cracked his knuckles, making resounding pops which echoed through the air. He then leaned slightly forward, parting his feet, as if assuming a battle stance. Then, without warning, he extended both his hands forward towards Cepheus, and from his fingers, numerous bolts of lightning shot forth towards the young man.

Cepheus could do nothing but yell in pain as the electricity seared through him. The attack lasted only three seconds before the mystery man relented, but the pain was enough that it caused him to fall face-down upon the stony floor. Strangely, when he made impact on the ground he felt no pain, but that might have been because the pain from the attack he was currently experiencing was dulling it.

“You call yourself a Pacter...” the man grunted, lowering his hands, “and yet you do not even know the most basic of Pacter techniques.”

“What...are you...” Cepheus managed to say, but he was unable to finish his thought, as his pain halted him from speaking.

“Who do you think you are!?” Hector yelled. “You just invade his dreams and attack him? What kind of monster are you?”

“Be still, young knight,” the man responded. “My message is for Cepheus, not for you.”

Hector’s eyes widened, as if in utter shock, and said not another word. The man paid Hector no mind as he spoke to Cepheus the words he’d come to say.

“Listen to me, Cepheus White, and listen well. As you know, tomorrow is Saturday, and because of that, your presence is not required down at the Synthetics Plant. I’m going to send someone to you around mid-morning, and he’s going to tell you all about what it means to be a Pacter. You’ll be gone most of the day, so I recommend calling up the Synthetics Plant and telling them you won’t be in for work due to testing the prototype.”

“And why would I do that?” Cepheus spoke between grunts of pain.

“As I’m sure I told you before, as long as you are a Pacter, your life is in danger. Therefore, it’s necessary you know how to fight, and the one I’ll be sending you is perfect for teaching you how it’s done. Now, I highly recommend you get some rest. Oh, and in case it’s worrying you, the pain you are feeling isn’t real – it will go away when this dream ends.”

“When’s that going to be?”

“Right about now.”

The man then snapped his fingers, producing a loud click that reverberated through Cepheus’ ears, and caused the new Pacter to wake up in the real world with a start. Hector had suddenly woken up at about the same time, and the two of them stared at each other. They most likely had the same things on their minds, so they decided to talk with one another.

“Was that...real?” Hector asked.

“Probably. I’ve seen that man before...he visited me last night.”

“You serious? Who is he?”

“I don’t know, but he knew last night that I’d accept your offer to become a Pacter. I honestly thought that he was some acquaintance of yours.”

“Nope...I haven’t seen that character before in my life.”

“Hmm...I doubt we’ll get any answers by staying up...” – Cepheus glanced past Hector to the clock on his bedside table, which read 1.36 AM – “it’s still late, and we need sleep. I’m going to rest now, Hector. Good night.”

“Good night, Cepheus.”

And, taking an idea from Apollo, I'm going to have a bit of a teaser at the end of each post and show a little bit of what's happening in the next chapter. So...

Next time in Nightmare: A bunch of witty one-liners and this fanfic's only bishonen-style character. Or so I hope.

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 7 up!

[Back to Top]

Lately, as most of you have gathered, I ended up shutting down the Writer's Haven (I think I did so at the end of August) because there was so little interest in fan fiction and writing in general. However, since then, with the return of Zyflair and Ganon to this place, and with up-and-coming writers like Yoshi and MrGatr contributing...this forum has been endowed almost with a new life.

And since I know there's a lot of life coming back...why not throw my own hat back into the ring? I've been neglected comments-wise for so long that I might as well try to bring myself back. Of course, asking that is always a double-edged sword, and for those of you who know me well enough, you'll know why.

Now for the chapter description.

In this chapter I introduce a new character that, although he doesn't stay in the limelight for very long, is pivotal to the plot. (He is based on a friend of mine who asked to be in this story, and is similar to him in many ways.) In the original draft of this chapter (before the rewrite), Hector didn't say much of anything to Cepheus. I found that a bit odd while looking back at it later - after all, if they are supposed to be BFFs (yes, I said BFFs), they should be getting to know each other better. From here on out you realize that Hector has a rather large speaking role. (In the original story before the rewrite, he had very few lines.)

...Enjoy.

Stats for this chapter (7):
Page Count: 4.0; Word Count: 2437

Spoiler

~~~
7 – Hero

[Saturday, July 17, 7.02 AM]

The next day came rather hastily for Cepheus. No sooner had he rested his head upon his pillow that he had found himself ready and refreshed to start his new day, as if the entire rest of the night passed away in only a few seconds instead of several hours. It was Saturday indeed, and he felt compelled to get ready for preparing to depart for the Synthetics Plant, but then the nagging thought of what the mystery man had told him – he was going to send someone to Cepheus sometime this morning. He wasn’t exactly sure what to think, seeing how the man had threatened him – with lightning, no less – but he did have a valid point. Cepheus didn’t need to work today as he was testing the prototype, and the man had stated that his life was in danger as long as he was a Pacter; Hector had testified much to the same effect. He didn’t know what the man was planning for him, but at this point, he had no choice but to cede to his wishes.

He called up the Synthetics Plant as soon as he got the chance, and much to his delight, his supervisor Mr. Jenkins answered the phone. Cepheus explained that he would opt to take off work today to test the prototype more efficiently, and the supervisor granted his request. He then spent most of the morning doing exactly what he said he would do – testing out the prototype. He turned it on again as soon as he’d eaten his breakfast, and its petals didn’t open right away, but as soon as the sunlight shone through the window to strike the Cherrim, it opened up with a giant smile on its face. It waved at Hector again, causing the Flareon to look away with the same face of disapproval. The Cherrim was undeterred as usual and continued waving, and this humorous little act caused Cepheus to laugh a little, much to Hector’s chagrin.

“So, what does being a Pacter entail?” Cepheus asked Hector as he was testing Cherrim.

“Well, as you know, the two of us are connected by this literal and symbolic bond of friendship, making us inseparable.”

“But, will other people be able to see you?”

“No – that’s the beauty of it. Only other Pacters will be able to see me or the insignia, so there’s little fear of revealing my presence to the enemy.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe the enemy has some Pacters on their side too?”

“I...I hadn’t thought of that...”

“Just in case that happens, is there another way you can conceal your presence?”

“Yes, actually. You see the insignia on your right hand, yes? You can tap your ring finger to the circle in the middle of it, and I’ll be pulled into the insignia, where I will remain in wait. Tapping your ring finger to the circle again draws me out.”

“Wouldn’t that hurt you at all?”

“...I really don’t know. You’re my first human.”

“You make it sound as if we’re disposable.”

“That isn’t what I meant at all! I...just meant that I’ve never formed a bond with anyone else. That’s how it works, really...one Spirit, one human.”

“And what happens if a Pacter dies? Does the Spirit die with him?”

“I don’t know...Pacters haven’t been around for very long, so I don’t think any of our number have died yet.”

“Well, since I’m thinking about it...”

Cepheus then closed his right ring finger into his palm, tapping the circle within the insignia on his hand. He then saw Hector vanish right before his very eyes, and the insignia on his hand began to glow faintly, as if it was housing some form of life...which it was. He then tapped his palm with his ring finger again, and Hector re-appeared, tether and all.

“So, how’d it feel?” Cepheus asked.

“I definitely wasn’t expecting that...but it actually didn’t feel bad at all. It’s almost like I was in the middle of a peaceful deep sleep. I was actually enjoying it until you woke me up.”

“Heh...sorry to have disturbed you like that.”

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s your first day, after all.”

Suddenly, there came a loud knock on Cepheus’ front door, disrupting their conversation and causing each of their hearts to jump in their chests.

“Anyone home?” a voice called out. It sounded like the voice of a young man, a little younger than Cepheus.

Cepheus instinctively looked at the clock, and found that it read 10.17 AM. He wasn’t expecting any company, and yet...this was probably the person that the dream man had sent to him. He wasn’t sure if he was friend or foe, so just to be safe, he recalled Hector into his palm, using the method he’d just been taught. He then stowed the Cherrim prototype out of sight, and slowly approached his front door, then opened it.

Before him stood a young man, as he had suspected, a few inches shorter than Cepheus, yet he was dressed completely in an aerodynamic suit, much like the kind racecar drivers wear. It was a deep navy blue, with white stripes running along the arms, legs, and torso of the suit. The man’s face was also completely obscured by a navy blue helmet, and a visor which revealed nothing of his facial features. Behind the man was parked a rather large and impressive-looking motorcycle, probably designed to seat two or more people comfortably. The gas mileage on the vehicle was most likely impressive as well.

“Cepheus White?” the man asked.

“Who are you?” Cepheus responded.

“That doesn’t answer my question. Are you or are you not Cepheus White? If you are not, I shall be on my way.”

“And what if I am this Cepheus White?”

“Let me see your hand. Just hold it up. I want to see if you’re the real deal.”

His hand? Why would the man want to see his hand? The only reason Cepheus could think of was if he too was a Pacter...yet at this point, it was no use stalling for time. He held up his right hand, palm open, with his elbow at a ninety-degree angle, so that his forearm pointed upward.

Cepheus was shocked slightly when the man did the same thing with his own right hand, revealing a light blue insignia, circular like his own, that appeared to have a water motif. He should have expected this man to be a Pacter as well, yet strangely he didn’t see it coming.

(Great,) he thought. (Just like that dream creep to send a water Pacter my way. Water beats fire, so fighting this guy will be a waste of time...)

The man then turned back to his motorcycle and opened a hidden compartment, producing a dark red helmet, similar to the one he was wearing. Cepheus wondered how many compartments that motorcycle could actually hold, given its size, yet he tried to pay it no mind.

“Come with me,” the motorcyclist said as he tossed Cepheus the helmet. “I’ll wait for you to lock up your house.”

Cepheus wisely discerned there was no point arguing with this fellow, so he did as asked and locked his house’s front door, as well as all the windows, before re-emerging and donning the red helmet. By then, the man had already started up his motorcycle and was merely waiting for Cepheus to sit behind him and hold on.

The two of them rode off on the large motorcycle, which was headed out of Hearthome City and went on a road leading far to the east, where most of it was nothing but desert for miles around. Either this man had come a long way to meet Cepheus, or he was intent on staying as far away from the ever-watchful government as possible – or most likely both.

It was a long and grueling forty minutes before something besides desert approached from the horizon. A large metal object rose to meet the two men, and Cepheus noticed it looked much like an old dilapidated city, appearing as if no one had lived in it for years. Most of the buildings in it looked worn down, and many of the windows were broken. The most prominent feature that Cepheus noticed was a large dome-shaped building that stood in the dead center of the city, and appeared to be twice as tall as the buildings around it. The city had no gates or boundaries, so the motorcyclist rode right into the city, and then slowed to a stop as he reached the center of the city, which was about two blocks from the entrance to the dome. As Cepheus entered the city, he saw that his initial impressions of the city were indeed correct – the buildings were worn down and dying, and it appeared that nobody was living in any of them. Yet why had this enigmatic man brought him all the way out here?

The man then turned off his vehicle and parked it before hopping off the seat and alighting on the dusty ground. He then walked towards the dome off in the distance, and beckoned Cepheus to follow him. Cepheus did so, and when they reached the dome, the man strode over to a set of double doors which served as the entrance to the dome, and quickly input a series of numbers on a keypad, which caused the doors to open.

“In here,” the man beckoned, “then we’ll talk. It’s safer.”

Cepheus did as told and walked slowly yet purposefully through the double doors, which shut behind him as soon as he was fully inside the building. There was virtually no light coming in to the dome, as any windows that lined the dome were rather small, so the inside was virtually dark – until the man flicked a switch, turning on a series of light bulbs that lit up the inside of the dome. It appeared to be just one single room, round and uniform throughout, with no corridors off to any other rooms, save for one ten feet in length which led to the double doors at the entrance. The man then turned around to face Cepheus, who had since removed his helmet, and removed his own helmet so Cepheus would be able to see his face. His eyes were a deep ocean blue, and his hair looked to be the same color as the blue sky. Cepheus was somewhat surprised to see that there existed other people with blue hair, yet his own hair color wasn’t nearly as striking as that of this fellow.

“Stefano Fabula,” the man said, extending his right hand for Cepheus to shake. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Cepheus White,” the new Pacter responded, grasping and firmly shaking this man’s hand in return. “Likewise.”

As Cepheus shook Stefano’s hand, he felt as if he was filled momentarily with a burst of energy – similar to that when he first became a Pacter, yet not quite as strong. The feeling faded almost right away, though, much like the feeling when he grasped Hector’s paw.

“What was that?” Cepheus asked.

“What was what?”

“When I shook your hand, I felt a surge of power coursing through me for about half a second, and then it vanished.”

“Ah, yes, that’s the Pacter’s bond of friendship.”

“I don’t see any tether.”

“Ha! No, I’m talking about the invisible bonds of friendship that Pacters have with each other. No matter where we are in the world, we are connected because we are all Pacters.”

“Were you the one sent to me?”

“I was, actually.”

“Who was that strange cloaked man?”

“I’m not sure myself, really. All I know is that pretty much all Pacters have seen him at one point or another in their dreams.”

(So, this Stefano doesn’t know who that mystery man is either?) Cepheus thought. (But if that’s the case, why did he obey his orders?)

“Anyway,” Stefano continued, “I was sent to you for a specific purpose, and that is to tell you exactly what being a Pacter means.”

“Yes, that’s what I was told.”

“Well, I’ll start by saying that being a Pacter isn’t easy. As you might know already, the Vernex is not exactly a Pacter’s best friend...in fact, it might be a Pacter’s worst enemy.”

“The what now?”

“Vernex. It’s what the governing body of the world calls itself. It’s a small group of six men or so whose decisions basically control the world. They came to be in the positions they are now, because their fathers were the ones that helped the most to force Pokémon off the planet.”

“So they’re basically at the heart of any anti-Pacter sentiment?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

“But why is that? Surely they can’t all hate Pacters, can they?”

“Well, from what I’ve heard, a few of them are convinced that all Pokémon are evil and want to try to eradicate them even as Spirits. Some scoff at their existence, believing that Spirits aren’t real, and others are aware of their existence yet they feel that they shouldn’t attack any Spirits unless the Spirits try and attack them first – you know, if Pacters are actually criminals.”

“Looks like that last group has the most sense out of any of them.”

“Precisely. Yet they put all their decisions to a vote, and usually their votes are outnumbered, and that’s why people tend to be hostile towards Pokémon.”

“Stefano, what about the general public?”

“The only Pokémon they’re really aware of are the synthetics that make their lives easier. Yet if they are told about Spirits, it’s usually something that causes paranoia to set in. You know, the thinking that all ghosts are evil and crap like that.”

“I’ve never viewed Pokémon like that. I’ve always found them a rich part of history, and I want to bring them back – not as synthetics, but as the real deal.”

“Is that what you’ve come to realize from working in synthetics, Cepheus?”

“Yes. Synthetics are tremendously convenient and aid us greatly, but they’re still just machines. And the act of trying to wipe Pokémon off the planet...that’s genocide, and it’s inexcusable. I know that the people responsible for it are no longer alive, but I want to try and make things right again.”

“You have a very level head, my friend. You do understand, though, that your line of thinking will inevitably be resisted?”

“Yes, and that’s why I want to learn more about what I can do as a Pacter.”

“I can start that right now for you...by teaching you how to fight.”

My, that's a fun cliffhanger, isn't it?

Next time in Nightmare: The part of the story that makes this truly a crossover.

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 7 up!

[Back to Top]

I've been forgotten again! sorta.
I know you guys have various things going on, so maybe I'll be lucky over Christmas break and you guys will pay attention to me! or I'll be left in Zyflair's dust again

Anyway, this here Chapter 8 is when Stefano, the utterly awesome and downright epic Suicune rider, teaches the main protagonist Cepheus how to fight. It involves a lot of words, explosions, surprises, and cameos. I didn't include them much in Nightmare as a whole, but I think all of them might appear again more prominently in the sequel...especially Stefano. I have plans for him.

blah blah blah let's get this show on the road
(Oh, by the way, I recommend reading chapter 7 right before you read this one, just in case. It'll serve as nice background so you aren't totally lost while reading this, as the two chapters are meant to be read as a set.)

Stats for this chapter (8):
Page Count: 4.6; Word Count: 2682

Spoiler

~~~
8 – Battle

[Saturday, July 17, 11.01 AM]

“Hold on one moment, Stefano...did you just say fight?”

“Yes, Cepheus, what did you think I said?”

“Well, that...is what I thought you said, but...I’m not exactly sure I can fight.”

“Listen,” Stefano responded, walking to the opposite end of the dome. “There are Pacters in this world whose only goal day in and day out is just to survive – either by keeping themselves hidden or fighting against the forces sent against them. I hope that you will never need to fight to survive, but in the case of that eventuality, I must prepare you.”

“In that case,” Cepheus said, staying where he was, “what must I do?”

“I’ll show you.”

Stefano then tapped the insignia on his right hand with his own right ring finger, causing his own Spirit partner to be summoned. It was a quadruped beast, appearing to be somewhat canine. Its slender blue body was suspended in midair, its four thin legs hanging limp below. It had a large blue elongated crystal set between its eyebrows, and from its neck flowed a purple mane that extended down the length of its body. From its backside sprouted two paper-thin white tails, which elegantly flew forward towards the front of its body.

“Hm? Who’s this?” the Spirit asked, its voice decidedly feminine.

“This is the one I’ve told you about,” Stefano answered. “Mizuhime, meet Cepheus.”

“I recognize you as a Suicune,” Cepheus stated. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“And where is your own Spirit partner?” Mizuhime inquired.

“I will summon him now.”

Cepheus summoned Hector by tapping the insignia, causing the ever-lively Flareon to be brought out. Hector quickly surveyed his surroundings before joining in the conversation.

“I’ve been overhearing what you all have been saying,” Hector began. “You honestly want to teach Cepheus how to fight?”

“Better safe than sorry,” Stefano answered. “Now, Cepheus, you know about the rider technique, correct?”

“No, I don’t, unfortunately,” Cepheus answered.

“Hm, I suppose that makes sense. After all, you aren’t necessarily expected to fight. Now, you see that tether sprouting from your hand, right?”

“Indeed I do.”

“The rider technique is the first step to learning how to fight as a Pacter. To use it, you just need to grab the tether with your right hand, and then tug it forcefully towards your chest.”

“And what will that do?”

“It’s better to learn just by doing it yourself, so why don’t you try?”

Cepheus then turned to Hector, the tether hanging limp from his paw.

“Is what Stefano is saying correct?”

“Yeah...it is. When you grab the tether it will become solid.”

“What’s this going to do?”

“... ...You should just try it for yourself and see.”

(What was that?) Cepheus thought. (Did I just hear Hector hesitate?)

“Very well,” he said aloud and, grabbing the tether with his right hand, he performed a quick forceful tug towards his chest. When he did this, there was a blinding white flash of light about him for a fraction of a second, yet before the whiteness enveloped him, Cepheus could see Hector flying toward him as if being pulled. That was only understandable – after all, tugging the tether to which Hector was attached would tug Hector along with it.

When the light cleared, Cepheus felt as if his entire body was filled with power, almost like a raging fire within him, permeating every cell in his body, just waiting to be let loose. It also seemed to carry with it a slight change in disposition – the normally calm and reserved Cepheus felt supercharged with vigor.

“I feel...so much power!” Cepheus exclaimed. “It’s almost as if a great fire is erupting within me! It’s enough to make just punch the air!”

Cepheus hastily decided to do just that to try and release some of this energy boiling up within him, and as he did so, a large fireball surged forth from his fist, traveling approximately twenty feet before detonating. The feeling of power within Cepheus suddenly turned to shock.

“What in...!?” he exclaimed. “Did I just do that?”

“Indeed you did!” Stefano exclaimed, tugging his own tether towards his chest as if to further demonstrate his point. A white light enveloped him for a brief moment before clearing, and when it dissipated, Stefano’s body had been transformed. His clothes had transformed from dark to light blue, and unlike his motorcyclist outfit, his attire now seemed to be more flowing, allowing more freedom of movement. He was wearing a light blue shirt parted down the middle, revealing a purple vest underneath, and the sleeves of the shirt extended down to his wrists, where they gave plenty of room for his hands to move about. The cuffs of his trousers were also very similar; they were wide enough to allow Stefano’s feet to shift about as they pleased. In addition, the crystal that Mizuhime had between her eyebrows was now between Stefano’s own eyebrows, and a flowing purple cape emanated from near the base of his neck. His eyes also changed from blue to a bright blood red.

“This is the power of a Pacter!” Stefano continued. “The rider technique fuses a Pacter with his Spirit partner, altering his body and giving him tremendous power!”

Not waiting for Cepheus to respond, Stefano instantly snapped his fingers, causing a large elliptical slab of ice to appear in front of him, suspended a few feet above the ground. He then pushed his hand forward against the air, which in turn caused the slab to move towards Cepheus, and then stop about fifteen feet in front of him.

“See for yourself what kind of power you have!” Stefano proclaimed.

Cepheus saw that this slab of ice that Stefano had created functioned like a mirror, and when he stared into it, he was greeted with a shocking sight. All of his clothes, which had previously been a deep blue, were now a burning bright red, the color of fire, with patterns of flame and other shades of orange and yellow throughout his clothing, as if his attire was fully ablaze. His hair was also a bright red, and to his surprise, Hector’s lupine ears were sticking out from beneath his hairdo. His insignia was still present upon his right hand, as was the bronze band around his wrist, even though Hector and the tether were now absent, and even though he couldn’t see it in the mirror, he could feel Hector’s tail attached to his posterior.

“...This is going to take some getting used to...” Cepheus murmured. “I don’t think it’ll be easy getting used to having fire shoot out from my hands...or having a tail, for that matter.”

“Every Pacter’s ‘rider form’, as it is called, is different. It depends on the person and on the Pokémon species. The more you two bond, the closer you will think – and look – like each other.”

“I’m pretty sure I look as close to Hector as I can get right now. Speaking of which, where is he?”

“He’s resting, in the back of your mind. That’s where all Spirits reside when their bodies combine with their human partners. But, enough about that. My intent is to teach you how to fight, and that is exactly what I intend to do.”

Stefano snapped his fingers again, and this time, it instead caused five slabs of ice to rise out of the ground around Cepheus, each distanced about twenty feet from him. They stood there, immobile, constructed solely for the purpose of destroying.

“I’ve provided some targets for you,” Stefano stated. “Practice as much as you want on these to hone your abilities.”

“The last time you snapped your fingers, you made a mirror appear. Now you make targets come out of the ground. What’s the difference?”

“A lot of it is in your mind. If you envision in your mind what you wish to happen, your Pokémon partner will be receptive to that and make it so. So, whether or not you want to make a fire ball or a fire tornado, you just need to think it and it’ll happen. Make your own fighting style, Cepheus. I’ll make as many targets as you want until you’re comfortable with your new powers.”

And so, Cepheus spent roughly the next half-hour breaking the various slabs of ice that Stefano had set up for the express purpose of practicing on. During this time, Cepheus became familiar with all that he as a Pacter was capable of performing – fireballs, punches, kicks, even charging clean through the slabs. He became instilled with a confidence that he’d never felt before – the confidence enough that he could make a difference in this world, to change it for the better, and the willingness to fight to bring about that difference if need be. He felt as if he finally had a purpose in life; he finally knew what it truly meant to be alive!


“Well, Cepheus, you fight pretty well,” Stefano said when the practice session was over. “You feel like going a little longer, or are you comfortable?”

“I think I’ll be all right,” Cepheus responded, panting slightly from the physical exercise. “I feel confident enough now. Just...how do I turn myself back to normal?”

“Ah, that. You just tap your insignia with your ring finger. Pretty simple, really.”

“Tapping the insignia seems to cause a lot of things to happen, it seems.”

Cepheus did as instructed, and as he did so, his body changed back to his normal human form, with the same coloration and all. Hector was present, still bound by the tether to Cepheus’ palm. Stefano did likewise, and also transformed back into his usual attire.

“Rider forms are much like insignia,” Stefano explained, walking back over towards Cepheus and the dome entrance, “they’re invisible to all non-Pacters. It can allow you to remain undetec – ”

Stefano was interrupted when there was heard from overhead the sound of a helicopter. The whir of the blades was practically deafening as it came closer towards their location.

“Remain quiet!” Stefano hissed, running towards the light switch and turning off all the bulbs inside the dome, returning it to blackness once again. Cepheus did as told, asking no questions, keeping himself perfectly still until the noise of the chopper passed out of earshot. The thirty seconds of waiting felt almost like a full five minutes as Cepheus feared what might happen if they were to be discovered.

“It’s gone,” Stefano whispered in the gloom.

“Was that an army chopper?” Cepheus asked in an equally soft voice.

“Most likely. They check on this place every so often to make doubly sure it’s uninhabited. If they find out people live here, they’ll either start rebuilding this city or bring a troop in here to draw us out – both of which must be avoided at all costs. We live out here for the express purpose of not drawing attention to ourselves.”

“We? There are others besides yourself here?”

“Yeah. For now it’s just two guys besides myself, but sometimes that cloaked man tells us to keep a Pacter here to keep them out of the reach of the police.”

“You’re stationed here by choice?”

“I forsook civilization long ago. I couldn’t stand it, the threat of being discovered. Now I live out here. And although there isn’t a whole lot to do for miles around, it’s not a bad life. I’ve got friends out here, and we care for each other, and our day-to-day needs are always met.”

“You’ve got food out here?”

“Every month or so, we’re sent about enough food to last us for the next three or four weeks. We have contacts back in the civilized world who watch out for us. Anyway, I should probably introduce you to the rest. Come outside with me.”

Stefano led the way as he opened the double doors at the dome’s entrance, walking outside into the open air. The sun was shining high in the sky, so Cepheus judged that it must be at least 11.30 AM, possibly a bit later. Stefano took a few paces before stopping suddenly, and snapped his fingers twice, as if to make a signal. At the second snap, two men, one substantially taller than Stefano and the other substantially shorter, emerged from one of the dilapidated buildings nearby and moved slowly towards Stefano. Cepheus could discern their facial features as they drew closer; the first man was tall, dark-skinned, and appeared to be at least twenty-eight years old. He was large, muscular, with a black hair and beard, and clothed with an armored chestplate and leggings – much like a makeshift suit of armor. The second man seemed to stand in sharp contrast to his companion; he only looked about sixteen and had a fair complexion, a head of brown hair, and street attire, with nothing really to catch the eye. Yet even from a distance, Cepheus could discern that both men had an air of amiability about them.

“Glad you two are here,” Stefano began. “This is the guy I went to go get this morning.” He gestured toward Cepheus as he said this. “His name is Cepheus. Cepheus, meet my two friends – the older one is Chris, and the younger is Ian.”

“Cepheus, eh?” Chris began, stepping forward to shake Cepheus’ hand, and Cepheus gladly responded in turn. He could see a blue insignia on Chris’ right hand as he grasped it. “You seem like a pretty swell guy,” Chris continued. “I’m sure we’ll get along well.”

“Nice to meet you, Cepheus,” Ian followed up, shaking Cepheus’ hand next. Cepheus felt a pulse of strength with each handshake he took, leading him to deduce that the way Pacters formed bonds with each other were by handshakes, so that their insignia would come in contact with one another.

“Cepheus’ partner is a Flareon, as I’ve just found out,” Stefano explained, “so he’s very skilled with fire and such. Chris has a Blastoise to his name, and because of his already large body, he can take a bunch of hits while firing powerful water bullets from his back. As for Ian, his partner’s a Gallade, and he fights with swords like you wouldn’t believe. The three of us make our homes here – away from civilization and unknown to the world, exactly the way we like it.”

“And you don’t...regret leaving everything behind?” Cepheus asked.

“Not in the slightest,” Chris answered. “Simply put, there is nothing back there that they had to offer that could really help us. With that and all the anti-Pokémon sentiment in our hometowns, we just decided to up and leave. Stefano brought us here, and now this is where we live.”

“Are you trying to get me to live here too?”

“No, we aren’t,” Ian responded. “We had nothing for us back in the city. As for you, Cepheus, you still have a rich full life ahead of you. And even if you are a Pacter, we don’t want to get in the way of your dream. Just know that there are people out there who are watching out for you.”

“I think it’s about time I got you back home, Cepheus,” Stefano chimed in. “You’ve been gone for about an hour and a quarter now, and I don’t want to keep you out here too long. Just remember what I’ve told you, and what you’ve learned, and you should be fine.”

“I understand.”

“Now then,” Stefano finished as he tossed Cepheus a red helmet, “shall we?”


When Cepheus finally got back home, it was almost half past twelve, due to the great distance that separated Hearthome City from wherever Stefano and his crew lived. He felt a lot more at ease, now that he realized that there were Pacters in many areas of the world, including some in cities as well that stayed mostly out of sight – or so he assumed. He had the rest of the day to test out the prototype without any real interruptions to hinder him.

Or so he assumed.

Coincidentally enough, I'm writing part of the Nightmare sequel (yes, it exists) where Stefano becomes even more awesome than he does already.

And yes, I know the 'punch the air' line is cheesy. Don't ask.

Next time in Nightmare: Learn to pronounce my name right!

Feedback, comments, and constructive criticism are always appreciated. However, as I have previously stated, keep your replies at a minimum of 20 words apiece. This is not a PokéBeach forum rule, but I'll probably ignore you if you don't have much to say.

 

[Zyflair]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 8 up!

Corrections are bolded. Enjoy.

Spoiler

“Hold on one moment, Stefano...did you just say [']fight[']?” [I'd assume he's quoting from Stefano, so you might want to use single quotes]

“Yes, Cepheus, what did you think I said?”

“Well, that...is what I thought you said, but...I’m not exactly sure I can fight.”

“Listen,” Stefano responded, walking to the opposite end of the dome as he continued talking. “There are Pacters in this world whose only goal day in and day out is just to survive – either by keeping themselves hidden [no comma] or fighting against the forces sent against them. I hope that you will never need to fight to survive, but in the case of that eventuality, I must prepare you.”

“In that case,” Cepheus said, staying where he was, “what must I do?”

“I’ll show you.”

Stefano then tapped the insignia on his right hand with his own right ring finger, causing his own Spirit partner to be summoned. It was a quadruped beast, appearing to be somewhat canine. [Its slender blue body was suspended in midair [no comma, or you can keep the comma while removing the "with"] with its four thin legs hanging below itself]. [A large elongated crystal ["sprouting from" seems weak. See if you can get a better verb] between its eyebrows], and [a flowing purple mane extended down its whole body] [I had to remove the redundant "It had"] . [Two paper-thin white tails trailed from its backside], which elegantly flew forward towards the front of its body.

“Hm? Who’s this?” the Spirit asked, its voice decidedly feminine.

“This is the one I’ve told you about,” Stefano answered. “Mizuhime, meet Cepheus.”

“I recognize you as a Suicune,” Cepheus stated. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“And where is your own Spirit partner?” Mizuhime inquired.

“I will summon him now.”

Cepheus summoned Hector by tapping the insignia, causing the ever-lively Flareon to be brought out. Hector quickly surveyed his surroundings before joining in the conversation.

“I’ve been overhearing what you all have been saying,” Hector began. “You honestly want to teach Cepheus how to fight?”

“Better safe than sorry,” Stefano answered. “Now, Cepheus, you know about the rider technique, correct?”

“No, I don’t, unfortunately,” Cepheus answered.

“Hm, I suppose that makes sense. After all, you aren’t necessarily expected to fight. Now, you see that tether sprouting from your hand, right?”

“Indeed I do.”

“The rider technique is the first step to learning how to fight as a Pacter. To use it, you just need to grab the tether with your right hand, and then tug it forcefully towards your chest.”

“And what will that do?”

“It’s better to learn just by doing it yourself, so why don’t you try?”

Cepheus then turned to Hector, the tether hanging limp from his paw.

“Is what Stefano is saying correct?”

“Yeah...it is. When you grab the tether it will become solid.”

“What’s this going to do?”

“... ...You should just try it for yourself and see.”

(What was that?) Cepheus thought. (Did I just hear Hector...hesitate?) [Using double ellipses to show hesitation and THEN explaining it just... no. No.]

“Very well,” he said aloud [no comma] and[,] grabbing the tether with his right hand, he performed a quick forceful tug towards his chest. When he did this, there was a blinding white flash of light about him for a fraction of a second, yet before the whiteness enveloped him, Cepheus could see Hector flying toward him as if being pulled. That was only understandable – after all, tugging the tether to which Hector was attached would tug Hector along with it.

When the light cleared, Cepheus felt as if his entire body was filled with power, almost like a raging fire within him, permeating every cell in his body, just waiting to be let loose. It also seemed to carry with it a slight change in disposition – the normally calm and reserved Cepheus felt supercharged with vigor.

“I feel...so much power!” Cepheus exclaimed. “It’s almost as if a great fire is erupting within me! It’s enough to make just punch the air!” [Pfffffffffffft, I'm sorry, but that IS really bad. x3]

Cepheus hastily decided to do just that to try and let off some steam [reread that], and as he did so, a large fireball surging forth from his fist, traveling approximately twenty feet before detonating. The feeling of power within Cepheus suddenly turned to shock.

“What in...!?” he exclaimed. “Did I just do that?”

“Indeed you did!” Stefano exclaimed, tugging his own tether towards his chest as if to further demonstrate his point. A white light enveloped him for a brief moment before clearing, and when it dissipated, Stefano’s body had been transformed. His clothes had transformed from dark to light blue, and unlike his motorcyclist outfit, his attire now seemed to be more flowing, allowing more freedom of movement. He was wearing a light blue shirt parted down the middle, revealing a purple vest underneath, and the sleeves of the shirt extended down to his wrists, where they gave plenty of room for his hands to move about. The cuffs of his trousers were also very similar; they were wide enough to allow Stefano’s feet to shift about as they pleased. In addition, the crystal that Mizuhime had between her eyebrows was now between Stefano’s own eyebrows, and a flowing purple cape emanated from near the base of his neck. His eyes also changed from blue to a bright blood red.

“This is the power of a Pacter!” Stefano continued. “The rider technique fuses a Pacter with his Spirit partner, altering his body and giving him tremendous power!” [I can hear some sort of orchestra playing in the background... Arceus, I'm tired.]

Not waiting for Cepheus to respond, Stefano instantly snapped his fingers, causing a large elliptical slab of ice to appear in front of him, suspended a few feet above the ground. He then pushed his hand forward against the air, which in turn caused the slab to move towards Cepheus, and then stop about fifteen feet in front of him.

“See for yourself what kind of power you have!” Stefano proclaimed.

Cepheus saw that this slab of ice that Stefano had created functioned like a mirror, and when he stared into it, he was greeted with a shocking sight. All of his clothes, which had previously been a deep blue, were now a burning bright red, the color of fire, with patterns of flame and other shades of orange and yellow throughout his clothing, as if his attire was fully ablaze. His hair was also a bright red, and to his surprise, Hector’s lupine ears were sticking out from beneath his hairdo. His insignia was still present upon his right hand, as was the bronze band around his wrist, even though Hector and the tether were now absent, and even though he couldn’t see it in the mirror, he could feel Hector’s tail attached to his posterior.

“...This is going to take some getting used to...” Cepheus murmured. “I don’t think it’ll be easy getting used to having fire shoot out from my hands...or having a tail, for that matter.”

“Every Pacter’s ‘rider form’, as it is called, is different. It depends on the person and on the Pokémon species. The more you two bond, the closer you will think – and look – like each other.”

“I’m pretty sure I look as close to Hector as I can get right now. Speaking of which, where is he?”

“He’s resting, in the back of your mind. That’s where all Spirits reside when their bodies combine with their human partners. But, enough about that. My intent is to teach you how to fight, and that is exactly what I intend to do.”

Stefano snapped his fingers again, and this time, it instead caused five slabs of ice to rise out of the ground around Cepheus, each distanced about twenty feet from him. They stood there, immobile, as if they were made solely for the purpose of destroying. ["As if"? I'm against usage of those words if it's a literal assignment rather than an analogy]

“I’ve provided some targets for you,” Stefano stated. “Practice as much as you want on these to hone your abilities.”

“The last time you snapped your fingers, you made a mirror appear. Now you make targets come out of the ground. What’s the difference?”

“A lot of it is in your mind. If you envision in your mind what you wish to happen, your Pokémon partner will be receptive to that and make it so. So, whether or not you want to make a fire ball or a fire tornado, you just need to think it and it’ll happen. Make your own fighting style, Cepheus. I’ll make as many targets as you want until you’re comfortable with your new powers.”

And so, Cepheus spent roughly the next half-hour breaking the various slabs of ice that Stefano had set up for the express purpose of practicing on. During this time, Cepheus became familiar with all that he as a Pacter was capable of performing – fireballs, punches, kicks, even charging clean through the slabs [wait, Flareon doesn't know Flare Blitz *flees*]. He became instilled with a confidence that he’d never felt before – the confidence enough that he could make a difference in this world, to change it for the better, and the willingness to fight to bring about that difference if need be. He felt as if he finally had a purpose in life; he finally knew what it truly meant to be alive!

“Well, Cepheus, you fight pretty well,” Stefano said when the practice session was over. “You feel like going a little longer, or are you comfortable?”

“I think I’ll be all right,” Cepheus responded, panting slightly from the physical exercise. “I feel confident enough now. Just...how do I turn myself back to normal?”

“Ah, that. You just tap your insignia with your ring finger. Pretty simple, really.”

“Tapping the insignia seems to cause a lot of things to happen, it seems.”

Cepheus did as instructed, and as he did so, his body changed back to his normal human form, with the same coloration and all. Hector was present, still bound by the tether to Cepheus’ palm. Stefano did likewise, and also transformed back into his usual attire.

“Rider forms are much like insignia,” Stefano explained, walking back over towards Cepheus and the dome entrance, “they’re invisible to all non-Pacters. It can allow you to remain undetec – ”

Stefano was interrupted when there was heard from overhead the sound of a helicopter. The whir of the blades was practically deafening as it came closer towards their location.

“Remain quiet!” Stefano hissed, running towards the light switch and turning off all the bulbs inside the dome, returning it to blackness once again. Cepheus did as told, asking no questions, keeping himself perfectly still until the noise of the chopper passed out of earshot. The thirty seconds of waiting felt almost like a full five minutes as Cepheus feared what might happen if they were to be discovered.

“It’s gone,” Stefano whispered in the gloom.

“Was that an army chopper?” Cepheus asked in an equally soft voice.

“Most likely. They check on this place every so often to make doubly sure it’s uninhabited. If they find out people live here, they’ll either start rebuilding this city or bring a troop in here to draw us out – both of which must be avoided at all costs. We live out here for the express purpose of not drawing attention to ourselves.”

“We? There are others besides yourself here?”

“Yeah. For now it’s just two guys besides myself, but sometimes that cloaked man tells us to keep a Pacter here to keep them out of the reach of the police.”

“You’re stationed here by choice?”

“I forsook civilization long ago. I couldn’t stand it, the threat of being discovered. Now I live out here. And although there isn’t a whole lot to do for miles around, it’s not a bad life. I’ve got friends out here, and we care for each other, and our day-to-day needs are always met.”

“You’ve got food out here?”

“Every month or so, we’re sent about enough food to last us for the next three or four weeks. We have contacts back in the civilized world who watch out for us. Anyway, I should probably introduce you to the rest. Come outside with me.”

Stefano led the way as he opened the double doors at the dome’s entrance, walking outside into the open air. The sun was shining and high in the sky, so Cepheus judged that it must be at least 11.30 AM, possibly a bit later. Stefano walked a few steps forward then stopped suddenly, and snapped his fingers twice, as if to make a signal. When the second snap was heard, two men, one substantially older than Stefano and the other substantially younger, emerged from one of the dilapidated buildings and walked towards Stefano. As they got closer, Cepheus was able to discern their facial features. The older man was tall, dark-skinned, and appeared to be at least twenty-eight years old. He was large, muscular, and had a black hair and beard. His clothes were similarly dark, consisting of an armored chestplate and leggings – much like a makeshift suit of armor. The younger man seemed to stand in sharp contrast; he only looked about sixteen and had fair skin, had a head of brown hair, and was dressed in street clothes. There was nothing really about the smaller man that caught the eye, yet both men had an air of amiability about them. [The description involves alot of weak verbs, and I'm sure you know I feel about weak verbs.]

“Glad you two are here,” Stefano began. “This is the guy I went to go get this morning.” He gestured toward Cepheus as he said this. “His name is Cepheus. Cepheus, meet my two friends – the older one is Chris, and the younger is Ian.”

“Cepheus, eh?” Chris began, stepping forward to shake Cepheus’ hand, and Cepheus gladly responded in turn. He could see a blue insignia on Chris’ right hand as he grasped it. “You seem like a pretty swell guy,” Chris continued. “I’m sure we’ll get along well.”

“Nice to meet you, Cepheus,” Ian followed up, shaking Cepheus’ hand next. Cepheus felt a pulse of strength with each handshake he took, leading him to deduce that the way Pacters formed bonds with each other were by handshakes, so that their insignia would come in contact with one another.

“Cepheus’ partner is a Flareon, as I’ve just found out,” Stefano explained, “so he’s very skilled with fire and such. Chris has a Blastoise to his name, and because of his already large body, he can take a bunch of hits while firing powerful water bullets from his back. As for Ian, his partner’s a Gallade, and he fights with swords like you wouldn’t believe. The three of us make our homes here – away from civilization and unknown to the world, exactly the way we like it.”

“And you don’t...regret leaving everything behind?” Cepheus asked.

“Not in the slightest,” Chris answered. “Simply put, there is nothing back there that they had to offer that could really help us. [With] That, and with all the anti-Pokémon sentiment in our hometowns, we just decided to up and leave. Stefano brought us here, and now this is where we live.”

“Are you trying to get me to live here too?”

“No, we aren’t,” Ian responded. “We had nothing for us back in the city. As for you, Cepheus, you still have a rich full life ahead of you. And even if you are a Pacter, we don’t want to get in the way of your dream. Just know that there are people out there who are watching out for you.”

“I think it’s about time I got you back home, Cepheus,” Stefano chimed in. “You’ve been gone for about an hour and a quarter now, and I don’t want to keep you out here too long. Just remember what I’ve told you, and what you’ve learned, and you should be fine.”

“I understand.”

“Now then,” Stefano finished [no comma] as he tossed Cepheus a red helmet, “shall we?”


When Cepheus finally got back home, it was almost half past twelve, due to the great distance that separated Hearthome City from wherever Stefano and his crew lived. He felt a lot more at ease, now that he realized that there were Pacters in many areas of the world, including some in cities as well that stayed mostly out of sight – or so he assumed. He had the rest of the day to test out the prototype without any real interruptions to hinder him.

Or so he assumed.

Not that many errors around. You still have that basic style that makes your fanfics easy to read, so I've no definite comment on that. Now that I actually have time, I'll be keeping a closer tab on this. Good luck on that sequel of yours. ;3

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair

 

[DNA]

RE: Nightmare [PG] - Chapter 8 up!

Before I go on, I'd just like to point out that when you recommended the word 'surging', it was already correct as is:

and as he did so, a large fireball surged forth from his fist, traveling approximately twenty feet before detonating.

Using 'surging' instead of 'surged' here would make the phrase incomplete. Other than that I didn't see a problem with your recommendations.
As for the Suicune description, it now looks like this:

Spoiler

Stefano then tapped the insignia on his right hand with his own right ring finger, causing his own Spirit partner to be summoned. It was a quadruped beast, appearing to be somewhat canine. Its slender blue body was suspended in midair, its four thin legs hanging limp below. It had a large blue elongated crystal set between its eyebrows, and from its neck flowed a purple mane that extended down the length of its body. From its backside sprouted two paper-thin white tails, which elegantly flew forward towards the front of its body.

Any better...?

And as for the paragraph with the weak verbs, I'll get to that, as soon as I figure out exactly how to remodel the paragraph. I'll probably edit it into this post when I figure out what to do. (I'll then take all the edits and put them into the post above; for now I just made all the edits on the Word document.)

edit: okay here's my first shot at the 'weak verb' paragraph; thoughts?

Spoiler

Stefano led the way as he opened the double doors at the dome’s entrance, walking outside into the open air. The sun was shining high in the sky, so Cepheus judged that it must be at least 11.30 AM, possibly a bit later. Stefano took a few paces before stopping suddenly, and snapped his fingers twice, as if to make a signal. At the second snap, two men, one substantially taller than Stefano and the other substantially shorter, emerged from one of the dilapidated buildings nearby and moved slowly towards Stefano. Cepheus was able to discern their facial features as they drew closer; the first man was tall, dark-skinned, and appeared to be at least twenty-eight years old. He was large, muscular, with a black hair and beard, and clothed with an armored chestplate and leggings – much like a makeshift suit of armor. The second man seemed to stand in sharp contrast to his companion; he only looked about sixteen and had a fair complexion, a head of brown hair, and street attire, with nothing really to catch the eye. Yet even from a distance, Cepheus could discern that both men had an air of amiability about them.

In any case I am very glad that you decided to stop by and read. Truth be told, a great deal of my style is either very similar to, or emulates, your own - rather simple and straightforward, but not without abandoning description and wide vocabulary.
This is probably why I derive happiness from reading your fics - they sound almost like something I would write, and trying to adjust to the style isn't very hard at all.

Thank you very much for the input!