Writing Fireflies

CorinthiansRose

Aspiring Trainer
Member
The first chapter of a story I'm working on.

WARNING: There are depictions of death and violence, PG-13 I would say. Not for children as some content could be disturbing


It seems so long ago, but my memory of the events that transpired 10 years in the past still remain as vivid as ever. The images of pure devastation branded into our minds forever, no matter how old or young one was at the time of the event. Every last detail forever etched into a lasting panorama of photographs, from the sights to the smell to the raw emotions so stagnant in the air at the time. One was lucky if a single element was forgotten. Most of us have been driven mad into feral states with no hopes of ever recovering. I will always remember that first year. The year of the extermination of Pokémon.

Chapter 1

We were deemed unworthy to continue to live with the humans. We were seen as wretched and filthy creatures that tainted their perfect world, viewed as a spreading disease. Whether or not these statements were true no longer matter. Our voices were lost long ago when humans no longer saw us as valuable partners, just spawns of Satan. There was no warning; I only remember the fire spreading to the far reaches of the planet. Our world set ablaze, our future becoming as gray and bleak as the ashes left behind.

They utilized all of their miserable methods to rid of us. Forests were burned, oceans were poisoned, their metal weapons pointed at our heads from above, they even cracked the very earth itself to reach us. No Pokémon was safe. I am one of the lucky survivors, if you can call me such. My name is Liad, one of the last known Ivysaurs on this planet. I lived in a magnificent forest ten years ago with my family, my wife and two children. All dead now.

I lost my wife on the first day of Extermination. I was out foraging for food for that night’s dinner when I heard three separate but rapid clicks. I had never heard such a noise before and all of my senses ran wild in that moment. The leaves on my back quivered and every part of my body told me to run away. I dashed off into the forest however towards my home, which at the time was a large hollowed out tree. I sprinted as fast as I could, knowing that somehow my family was in danger. Alas though, by the time I reached them, I was too late. I saw my wife, Ilia, on the ground. She was unmoving and unresponsive to my cries. As I walked over towards her, I realized she was dead. She had been shot by humans from above, who were flying off into the distance in their helicopters. I wanted to run after them and make them pay, my whole being itched with rage and confusion. Tears flowed from my eyes as I gazed upon my beautiful wife and remembered her smile and laugh.

I then glanced over and saw my two Bulbasaur children hidden in the hollow, their eyes wide with fear and their tears flowing freely as well. Why would humans have done this. Over the years, the relationships between humans and Pokémon disintegrated. Humans started becoming more abusive towards their once valued “friends” while the luckier Pokémon were simply abandoned before it reached that point. I have struggled all of these years to understand why the humans turned on us so, I still have no answer. I could only weep in that moment I lost my wife.

I was so afraid of the humans returning to our hollow that I had no other choice but to take my trembling children and leave that place. Other Pokémon around us were in a frenzy as well, and the farther we traveled, the more gruesome scenes we discovered. The body count rose each day, the forest being cleared by the Pokémon. Families being forced to uproot everything they knew and loved, but in the end it was all for naught. In about a week’s time, my children and I had reached the western edge of the forest, hoping we would find something better on the other side. We were all weary at this point and made very cautious efforts. Something didn’t seem right, something was off when I saw the forest’s edge. I told my children to wait while I went ahead. As I crept up to the edge, I couldn’t help but think everything was too quiet. Other Pokémon traveled ahead of me, eager to get out of the cursed forest, but I stayed back just in case. I poked my head out of the forest and looked around, looking up, looking down, looking all around. I sniffed the air and smelled something…different. The only way I know how to describe it was that it smelled like electricity. Something burning and something already burnt all together.

We were part of a large migration of Pokémon of about 1,000, it seemed that all other edges of the forest were impassable due to one reason or another, so everyone traveled westward. I saw this large swarm of Pokémon out in the clearing, but everyone was just standing around for some reason. As soon as a Pokémon got about 50 feet into the clearing, they just stopped. I took a couple of steps out of the forest, all my senses on high alert. That’s when I realized what had happened. I looked down and saw metal netting that sunk down into the tall grass, it was invisible until you were on top of it. The netting was electrified so that any Pokémon that stepped on it would be paralyzed. No sooner after I came to this realization did 10 helicopters appear out of nowhere and began pelting the Pokemon with fluffy teddy bears. - Too strong a description - Delta

I ran back into the forest and told my children to hide. The sound was unbearable. The metallic pings and booms of bullets flying from the barrels and the wet squishy impact it had on the 1,000 souls out there. Dying cries of my friends could be heard for miles. High pitched squeals and low growling mixed together to form an interminable screech that went on for what seemed like hours. When it was all over, the silence itself was deadly. Leaves could be heard falling on the stained grass and the soft breeze seemed to be moaning with loss. My children were whimpering softly as they huddled against my body for some form of comfort. My younger child mistakenly looked up and out at the massacre site and saw one of his friends in the field. Before I could stop him, he cried out and started running towards his fallen friend. I yelled for him to come back, but he couldn’t seem to hear me, he could only focus on his friend. Bang. My son fell to the ground, his innocent soul ended in a heartbeat. Once again, my eyes filled up with water and overflowed onto the ground. It killed me, but I had to move immediately for fear of the hunters discovering our whereabouts. I took one last look back as I saw fire being thrown from the copters onto the ground to burn the bodies. Ripping out my heart would have been less painful than that sight.

My other son and I traveled far away from that place for about three more days. There were only about 20 Pokémon in the migration left and we were all on edge. The once lush forest floor was now dry and hard; all life had been squeezed out of it like a sponge. The flowery moss that used to hang from the branches was no longer present and the trees themselves were bent over in sorrow, nearly naked of their leaves. There was no longer any dense overgrowth for cover and protection and the Pokémon that traveled with us now were just as lifeless as the forest. I shuddered to think what the rest of the world looked like that that moment.

As we trudged forward, the younger ones began to cough and wheeze; we assumed they were dehydrated seeing as none of us have had food or water for days. We tried to slow down the pace some so no one would fall behind, but we were fools to think we could afford that. A young Caterpie suddenly collapsed to the ground and curled up in pain. He complained that he was unable to breathe. Soon after, more young ones began to have the same experience, even my other son fell victim. No one could understand what was happening for a while. We then figured out though that it was poison that the humans had concocted. It was a fairly weak poison but soon it began to affect everyone. We all walked forward as fast as we could to get out, but to no avail. In the end only my son and I were left when we reached the northern end of the forest. I had begun to wheeze myself, but seeing the exit gave me just a glimmer of hope. It could only last for a second though, for as soon as I turned back to tell my son I heard a thud. He had collapsed, dead, onto the ground.

I had nothing left. My wife, my kids, my friends, all gone within a couple weeks time. What left did I have to live for? I momentarily considered lying by my son’s side to die with him, but as I reached the end of my own life the panic set in and my body would not allow me to die so easily. There was nothing more I could do. I continued onward out of the forest, not even caring if a trap was lying in wait. My luck held out though and I peacefully walked through the meadow. It seemed relatively unscathed compared to other areas, there was still green grass and there weren’t burnt corpses. I figured it wouldn’t be too long until this last slice of land would be ruined as well.

I walked for weeks, seeing death after death. It seemed endless and I gave up on any last hope of anyone surviving. Every once in a while I would see a poor soul stumbling along, just continuing forward like I was to somewhere that didn’t exist. An untouched paradise. My body finally collapsed at the base of a stupendous mountain range. It was the middle of summer when all of these events began and the days were hot and boiling most of the time, but when I reached this mountain everything changed.
I laid there on the ground, unable to move from exhaustion when I felt something wet against my forehead. I wearily looked and saw tiny snowflakes drifting from the heavens. The small ice spirits fell upon me and the icy cold water trickled downwards, providing a refreshing sensation. For reasons that are unexplainable, I felt at peace. For the first time in months, I cracked a half hearted smile, laid back and enjoyed the snowfall. I drifted off into a slumber that days ago I never thought was possible. I closed my heavy eyes and dreamt of the forest and how it used to be.

I saw the first time I met my wife. We were childhood friends back in the day and always played together by the stream, playfully splashing each other in the cool creek. I remember first laying eyes upon her and all I could think was “wow”. Her gorgeous violet eyes reflected fields of lavender and the vibrant pink bulb on her back was more vivid than any color I had ever seen. I remember falling into the stream because I wasn’t paying attention and when I did she giggled. Oh that giggle, it could reach the deepest strings of any heart and play it like a composed melody. We used to meet up all the time in our home forest, we even had a favorite spot. A lake hidden amongst the trees, a secret paradise just for us. At night, there had to have been a million fireflies floating over that lake. Their bright lights reflected onto the water like a mirror while the crickets would play peaceful tunes for us to enjoy. Her eyes always lighted up when we visited that spot. It was also where I asked her to marry me.

As these memories flooded my mind, something outside these mental walls brought me back to reality. I opened my eyes and saw the most amazing thing. A single firefly resting atop my nose. It seemed to whisper to me, providing me with secrets unknown to anyone else. It never spoke a word, but somehow the message was conveyed. There was still paradise somewhere and I needed to find it.
 
Awesome description! I hope to see more dialogue in the next chapter! :)

I wonder what this paradise looks like...
 
Sorry for not getting to this sooner.

I like the two uses of 'We' near the beginning. It sounds as if the narrator is irritated and prejudice but the extended sentence via the comma represents a calm tone. The complex sentences show almost forgiveness of the people who had killed his wife.

You use a metaphor which I think would have best been left a metaphor. It was interesting to read:

"There was no warning; I only remember the fire spreading to the far reaches of the planet. Our world set ablaze, our future becoming as gray and bleak as the ashes left behind."

...because it seemed to be relating man to fire, destroying everything in its path. However you go on to say that forests were burned and oceans were poisoned. They must have been extremely serious about exterminating all of these Pokemon for an as of yet unknown reason or very stupid. Why would they destroy the food chain and the very things they need to live just to get rid of Pokemon? It's like exterminating every other animal. It'd be interesting to read the reasons for such extremism and if everyone was with this plan.

I wouldn't use 'clicks' to describe gun shots. That makes the sound normal but you write as the Liad has never heard a gun shot before.

The pronoun 'I' is used a lot in the third paragraph. Again you use commas and complex sentences but this time to stop and start the pace of the scene. However I think it would have been best with simple sentences.

Such as

"I had never heard such a noise before. All of my senses ran wild in that moment. The leaves on my back quivered. Every part of my body told me to run. But I ran to my home. I sprinted as fast as I could. My family was in danger. I reached the house. But I was too late."

This would add tension to the situation.

I do think that someone would someone would feel a wide range of emotions in a moment such as this however I doubt that someone would remember all their features almost instantly. That would be something for the mourning stage. More likely Liad would just be in awe at what had just happened rather than remember everything about her. Try to elongate the feel and explanation of emotions.

'She' is a bad way to describe someone we don't know who is close to the character for the first time we meet her. A proper noun would be much better. Also is she a Venusaur? You could say that Pokemon just act as normal animals and say that one gender is dominant over the other.

I'd say the Bulbasaur at the start of the fourth paragraph isn't needed since we already know that Liad is an Ivysaur. Try to also keep what is happening away from narration. It's like he is reflecting on the deaths of his wife and then gets distracted by the friction of Humans and Pokemon.

What reason would Liad wait and stay behind for a while? He is clearly described to be distraught and only worried for his kids. A logical mind he does not have. Also for what specific reason did he wait behind?

Again, pings to describe bullets aren't the best adjective and you wouldn't hear the sound of the bullets hitting people because of the echo the bullet would make in the forest. Screaming and pandemonium yes. Sounds of bullets penetrating skin no.

I edited out that little massacre bit. Too strong methinks.

Also were they being shot for that long? Long enough for him to run miles with two strong children? You seem to be lapsing between a personal narrator and an all-knowing narrator. Try to keep it from Liad's perspective if that's what you're doing.

I'll do the later half of the critique later, I have to do something right now. Interesting story so far. Interesting to see what will happen when Liad gets out of this mess.
 
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