Writing Under the Surface

Shoyru1444

Shoyru1444

Ampharos will rise!
Member
Many things lie under the surface.

Strage, Dark, and Murky.

Attacking all who pass

The surface is calm, peaceful, showing no signs of what is concealed

But

Death always awaits

Under the the surface​

What do you think of my poem? Any suggestions?

And yes, I realize that this is not related to pokemon. Don't flame.
~Shoyru1444
 
It's okay. There's nothing completely striking about it. No hidden messages, or special phrases...
 
Zyflair said:
May you please clarify?
Click to expand...

Well, its just a very commonly used theme for things like this.

I'm under the surface about to die.

Hopeless, sinking.


I just think that I could see much more creative things out of Shoyru.
 
It's maybe too describeful (is that a word?). I like my poems mysterious and subtle.

Just a suggestion: Maybe you can start the same way you ended. Just: 'Under the surface'. Too explain your next lines you could add 'Where many thing lie'. It becomes more smooth that way, I think.
 
It's nice, I suppose the biggest concern is that I'm just not seeing the.. 'art' yet. Your message is clear. Decide whether you'd like it to be easy to pick up on or vague, and if the first one, perhaps incorporate something to give it... I dunno, sound, texture, color... something that will make it memorable.

Is my message coming through clear? :p
 
Yeah. I pretty much came up with this in like two minutes. I'll post more things in the future.
 
Time from when I thought of it to when I finished it = 5 mins
Time from when I started writing it to when I finished it = 2 mins
 
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