The Subway (PG-13) (Please comment!)

Robot

HOENN CONFIRMED
Member
Alright, this is my first fic/story, hope you all like it!

Chapter 1:

I woke up, with no clue in the heck I was. But a few things that I did realize, I was in a subway train with a few other people. I also noticed I was wearing a dark black t-shirt, grey jacket, jeans, and some sort of black sneakers. I then decided to study the area better than I had at my first glance.

Two seats to the right of me was a man wearing a black suit and red tie. He had black, short-cut hair and had a briefcase right next to his feet. He also was vigorusly typing away on the laptop on his lap, probably working on an essay or report of sorts. I then automatically made a general assumption that he was a lawyer.

Directly across from me was a small kid, maybe around six. He was wearing bright colored Sketchers, light grey shorts, and a green shirt. He had a light brown bowlcut hairdo, not to mention his eyes pretty much glued to his Nintendo DSi. He then grunted, as something bad obviously happened to him in-game. I also then noticed that nobody that could possibly be his mom was nearby. Kinda weird sending your six-year-old on a subway by himself.

I then turned my attention to a young couple five seats to the left of me. They wore identical pink t-shirts, sporting a logo, maybe of a TV channel or resteraunt. Both of them had dark-ish brown hair. The girl was fast asleep, her head resting on her boyfriend's shoulder. The boy was just sitting there, with a content, comfortable, look on his face.

Next up was, well, umm, a homeless person sleeping across and five seats away from me. I wonder why they wouldn't of made a law already that the homeless can't sleep in public places. Weird.

There was also a nerd with his nose buried in a book, 'The War of the Worlds' by HG Wells. I didn't bother to further look at him, too tired. I started to fall back asleep, but then something loud came over the subway's intercomm.

"Last stop! Last stop!" a man said over it. He was probably the driver.

Everybody got up, so I decided to get up too. We all got off the subway train and into the station. It was deserted, we all went up the stairs up to whatever city we were in. I could tell it was New York City, but barely. Nearly all of the buildings were destroyed. Chunks were missing out of some of the remaining buildings. The only thought running through my head was: "What the heck?!".

But that wasn't the only thing running. Out of nowhere, I ran across the street, heading into a small shop and hid in a corner. I fell down, my head hurting like crazy. I also saw something through a giant crack in the ceiling, a bright green light in the sky. But that wasn't the end of it. A small TV flicked on behind the checkout counter, but then it paused. I hopped and slid over the counter, checking out what was on it. It was probably on a news station, but on the screen, was a blurry picture, probably just a faked Bigfoot sighting. But it was in the middle of a city, from what I could tell of all the blurriness of the picture. And there was a bright green light, like the one I saw, funny.

I found a piece of rubble on the ground and picked it up. For absolutely no reason, I hit the TV screen with the rock, but it wouldn’t break. I tried again and again and again, until it finally broke. But the creepy part was, the image was still on the screen. So weird.

"Awre you okway, mwister?" said a little boy who just ran into the shop, the same boy that had the DSi, which was now in his pocket.

"Yeah, fine..." I said, walking out of the building, him following. We all went back to the group, who were asking each-other what the heck was going on. I decided to stay away for a bit, trying to find out what to do.
 
RE: The Subway (PG-13) (Please rate and comment!)

Word count on my MS Word shows the actual chapter to be just over seven-hundred words (give or take)... Do you think you could add some more to this, please?

Otherwise it doesn't seem like it's a bad start, but I think you should also go through and double space wherever you've got a new person speaking in the dialogue. It's considered more appropriate to treat each new person's passage of speech as a new paragraph, even if it just turns out to be a single line or sentence. Cases in-point...

There was also a nerd with his nose buried in a book, 'The War of the Worlds' by HG Wells. I didn't bother to further look at him, too tired. I started to fall back asleep, but then something loud came over the subway's intercomm.

"Last stop! Last stop!" a man said over it.

He was probably the driver. Everybody got up, so I decided to get up too. We all got off the subway train and into the station. It was deserted, we all went up the stairs up to whatever city we were in. I could tell it was New York City, but barely. Nearly all of the buildings were destroyed. Chunks were missing out of some of the remaining buildings. The only thought running through my head was: "What the heck?!".

And...

"Awre you okway, mwister?" said a little boy who just ran into the shop, the same boy that had the DSi, which was now in his pocket.

"Yeah, fine..." I said, walking out of the building, him following. We all went back to the group, who were asking each-other what the heck was going on. I decided to stay away for a bit, trying to find out what to do.

It's a minor issue in this case, but something I find helps just to do so to keep the formatting consistent.

Minor Note: Rating (i.e. "I rate this fic 8/10") is not allowed here people. Anyone who actually does will just have their post removed.
 
Next up was, well, umm, a homeless person sleeping across and five seats away from me. I wonder why they wouldn't of made a law already that the homeless can't sleep in public places. Weird.

I would try revising this, 2 sentences into a paragraph, sounds like you were trying to make something, out of something it is not...

"Last stop! Last stop!" a man said over it. He was probably the driver.

Don't have him repeat, it is not smart, and just doesn't sound that good.

Other than the small grammatical errors, and the small spelling mistake. I enjoyed reading, just work on your paragraph length.
 
MrGatr said:
Don't have him repeat, it is not smart, and just doesn't sound that good.
No offense, but I think that you should go on a subway sometime. Normally the conductor/driver/whatever repeats him/herself to make sure everybody heard.

Also, I will probably put Chapter 2 in soon-ish. I've been slightly busy recently and I also need to write a ton for my summer homework. And trust me, the next Chapter will be AWESOME!
 
No offense, but I think that you should go on a subway sometime. Normally the conductor/driver/whatever, repeats himself/herself, to make sure everybody heard.

I have seen people on subways, and talked to people on subways, they all say that the driver will repeat themselves, just not in succession like that, they will announce it like 3 min before arriving, and then like 1.5 minutes before arriving.

And I sure hope that it will explain what is going on, I am totally confused at the moment.
 
In regards to what MrGatr pointed out, the trick of dealing in dialogue that has to be repeated by a character is to have the phrase before where you describe how the person says what they do and then follow it up with the same phrase again right before you end the entire line/sentence completely. But it's not a huge issue since you did say it was likely the driver in the narration anyhow.

In any case, I'm just waiting to see how Chapter Two turns out. So long as you can get over the thousand word hump (or at least come fairly close to it), this'll be fine.
 
Apollo the Incinermyn said:
In regards to what MrGatr pointed out, the trick of dealing in dialogue that has to be repeated by a character is to have the phrase before where you describe how the person says what they do and then follow it up with the same phrase again right before you end the entire line/sentence completely. But it's not a huge issue since you did say it was likely the driver in the narration anyhow.

In any case, I'm just waiting to see how Chapter Two turns out. So long as you can get over the thousand word hump (or at least come fairly close to it), this'll be fine.

I don't get it, you can reword, everything I say into something that makes sense to the person... I like it:):):)

I would also enjoy seeing chapter 2, just for future advice, try to explain what excactly is going on if you do that, this may turn for the better(Or better than before)
 
MrGatr said:
I don't get it, you can reword, everything I say into something that makes sense to the person... I like it:):):)

I would also enjoy seeing chapter 2, just for future advice, try to explain what excactly is going on if you do that, this may turn for the better(Or better than before)

I only did it to clarify what you were saying, not to upstage you or hog the thread for a moment. You'll find that a few other people here may do the same, if they don't completely understand what you said either.
 
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