Writing The Chronicles of Rin (Chapter 1 is up!)

ShayminSky

I see what you did there...
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Chapter 1
Chapter 2

Hey guys I finally figured out what my story will be! I hope you enjoy it!

Prologue

It was around 6:00 AM, in March. The land of Salemn had recently escaped a brutal winter's frozen grasp. The winter had put us though some harsh times, but it had only brought us closer. By us, I mean the residents of Center City. This was my hometown, but today, I would be leaving. A few others might join me,
I woke up, and checked the time, as I had strived to greet the sun. It was 6 AM, as I stated before. I peered out of my blinds, and it was dark. I was somewhat happy, but I had cheated, since Daylight Savings Time hadn’t kicked in yet. I smirked, and I walked out of my room and downstairs into the kitchen, my tail following me. I decided to scramble some eggs, with fried egg bits in them. It is my own little twist, and it tastes pretty good. I then opened the refrigerator door and pulled out the container of eggs, and set it on the counter. I closed the door, and looked for the salt and pepper. I found them, and wet them on the counter. After that, I turned to get the frying pan. I grabbed the hilt of the comical weapon and placed it on the stove. I turned the knob closest to the right, and the sound of tinder being struck was heard. I turned the knob some more and the sound was replaced by the igniting of flames and the flames softly burning. I then took a bowl out and cracked about 9 or so eggs. Then, I poured them into the bowl. I took a fork and began to mix them. When I was done, I took out a stick of butter and placed about an eighteenth of it onto the frying pan. I watched as the melting butter moved around the sizzling pan. For some random reason, watching the butter made me smile. Drifting off into thought, I sat there for about 30 seconds, then I cracked two more eggs and put them onto the buttered pan. The eggs began to fry. I took that time to throw away the egg shells. When the eggs finished frying, I removed them with a spatula, and put them on a makeshift plate that my younger brother had made for the house during school. My brother is 7 years old, in the second grade at Salem Elementary. My brother is a Dratini, yet my dad is an Umbreon and my mother a Blaziken. My mother is the Phoenix, just getting that out of the way. My Uncle is an Azumarill, who is King of the Seas. My dad is the Messenger of Light. I have two sisters. One is a Combusken about my age, and the other one a Shiny Blaziken, around 16. My brother’s name is Jake, my twin sister is Naomi (Cybele) the Second, and my older sister is Amy the Second. I am Rin, a Shiny 13 year-old Eevee, who is today, on March 22nd, 3270, going to start his first adventure!
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Woah, woah, woah there.
Even though it's a prologue, that doesn't mean you can't split things into multiple paragraphs. Remember, a paragraph sets off as a new topic, a fresh breather, a way for the reader to go, "ok, new idea." Jumbling the whole thing into one paragraph becomes confusing and actually stops the flow of the story.

Another thing: Your introduction to the various family members is rushed, not going into detail in the slightest bit.

Take a deep breath, and learn a new word with me. Are you ready? Repeat after me: "patience." Slow down with your writing and don't try to get done as fast as possible.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Okay. Sorry, I was up till 4 AM working on it, and I wanted to sleep, so that explains it. What do you think about the plot?
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

ShayminSky said:
Sorry, I was up till 4 AM working on it, and I wanted to sleep, so that explains it.
But that doesn't justify it.

Anyway, the plot is ok, though I have to read more to get an actual picture.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

*Sighs*
Okay, I am working on Chapter 1.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Here is what I have of chatper 1:

I had finished breakfast and went upstairs into Amy’s room. She was already up, writing and drawing. She smiled at me.
“So you finally beat the sun, huh?”
“Unless you consider Daylight Savings Time fair game, then no.”
I smiled at her back, and examined her: she had become quite attractive over the years, and the many phone calls from random boys at school has proven that.
“Breakfast is done.” I said, breaking my gaze at her.
“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute.” She said, slipping out of the covers, revealing she had nothing on but a bra and underwear. I blushed as she went into her closet, and opened the door. She then pulled out a pink shirt with a low-cut and some jeans. “Should I wear this?”
“Sure,” I replied, going next door to wake up Naomi.
“Morning, Naomi.” I said, gently shaking her until she woke up.
“…what time is it??” Naomi drowsily asked, searching for the clock.
“About 6:35, and breakfast is done.” I replied, knowing that my parents were normally awake and downstairs making plates for everyone.
“Hi, hun.” My mother said, gently waving at me.
“Hello, Son.”
“Hey, Mom. Hey Dad.” I slowly walked down the stairs.
Amy then came downstairs while she was brushing her fur.
“Good morning dear.” My mother greeted Amy, who waved back.
“Hello, Amy.” Dad said, setting out three plates for the three of us. Dad then set two plates for himself and Mom.
Amy came down and sat in the middle, where she normally sat. I sat to her right, also where I normally sat. Naomi came downstairs looking fully awake, even though I could have sworn she was as tired as a Slakoth earlier. Naomi then sat down to Amy’s left, and said hi to everyone. Breakfast was quiet, and the most conversation was talking about today. Naomi was also planning on going on an adventure, and Amy was going on one as well. We might regroup for another one, but we were focusing on the now. In the middle of the conversation, my dad went upstairs to go get Jake, who was probably watching reruns of Teleteddiursa. After breakfast, I went into my room and put a black DC shirt on and some jeans. I put on my DC shoes and went outside.
The sun was crawling up towards the sky. I smirked again.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Is it that bad? Or do I have "silent readers?"
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

I'm not drawn in. The plot is... actually, I just don't see a plot, to be honest.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Sorry Zy. Any reccomendations for me to draw people in?
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Actually, I do. Here's a grand indication of what's wrong with your writing.

ShayminSky said:
Amy came down and sat in the middle, where she normally sat. I sat to her right, also where I normally sat. Naomi came downstairs looking fully awake, even though I could have sworn she was as tired as a Slakoth earlier. Naomi then sat down to Amy’s left, and said hi to everyone. Breakfast was quiet, and the most conversation was talking about today. Naomi was also planning on going on an adventure, and Amy was going on one as well. We might regroup for another one, but we were focusing on the now. In the middle of the conversation, my dad went upstairs to go get Jake, who was probably watching reruns of Teleteddiursa. After breakfast, I went into my room and put a black DC shirt on and some jeans. I put on my DC shoes and went outside.
There are too many things going on in one paragraph. I also know the reason why you didn't split it up either: it would seem too short. Detail, detail, detail, you gotta know detail:

Amy came down and sat in the middle, where she normally sat. I sat to her right, also where I normally sat. Naomi came downstairs looking fully awake, even though I could have sworn she was as tired as a Slakoth earlier. Naomi then sat down to Amy’s left, and said hi to everyone.

Silence first filled the room, as none of us knew what to talk about initially. We broke it with a discussion of today's events; many of us were eager to go out into an adventure [NOTE: simply saying that you are going into an adventure never cuts it. Explain what kind of adventure; where are they going, what do they plan on seeing and doing?] and had set our sights on doing so today. We speculated possible journeys later on, but we all had our thoughts on the now. In fact, we were concentrating on our imaginative adventures [might need a different word, as "adventure" is getting repetitive here] that none of us even got half of out breakfast done over time.

In the middle of the conversation, my dad went upstairs to go get Jake, who was probably watching reruns of Teleteddiursa. After breakfast, I went into my room and put a black DC shirt on and some jeans. I put on my DC shoes and went outside.
I just added in a few extra details and polished up the word choice of the middle section. Details are the one of the most important factors in writing. A piece with no detail is a piece that says nothing.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Thanks for your help. I'll be sure to follow your advice. :D
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Anytime.

Oh, as a guideline, look over your work and go, "Is there anything I can do to sound more detailed?" Writing a fanfic is very different from role-playing; the reader wants you to describe it for them, rather than just imagining the extra little bits themselves.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Zyflair said:
Anytime.

Oh, as a guideline, look over your work and go, "Is there anything I can do to sound more detailed?" Writing a fanfic is very different from role-playing; the reader wants you to describe it for them, rather than just imagining the extra little bits themselves.

I'm new to the whole fanfiction thing too but seriously! Just as a suggestion you might want to make it so the length is somewhere between mine and Zyflair's. Also brush up on your basic grammar and literature. And remember, I'm not trying to antagonize you.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

What do you mean yours and Zyflair's? Yours and Zyflair's have a HUGE length difference, so that's really not helping the writer. I'd suggest adding more detail, because I'm really not seeing this play out in my head. It's hard to understand the message you're trying to get across, and along with the fact that there's no foreshadowing at all leaves me at a place where I don't know where it's going. All I can think of is that this will be one of those "Fight gyms, beat some evil team, become Pokemon master" etc.
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Lenny said:
What do you mean yours and Zyflair's? Yours and Zyflair's have a HUGE length difference, so that's really not helping the writer. I'd suggest adding more detail, because I'm really not seeing this play out in my head. It's hard to understand the message you're trying to get across, and along with the fact that there's no foreshadowing at all leaves me at a place where I don't know where it's going. All I can think of is that this will be one of those "Fight gyms, beat some evil team, become Pokemon master" etc.

Thats beside the point but you're right! More detail and the reason I said mine and Zyflair's is because then there will be a large range to improve but the plot of this story is coming together! Keep it up!
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

Why did you not split it, two paragraphs and the color of the text is not that good? However, I like that story I am impress to it. I will be right back in this discussion after all my jobs will be done.

_________________
Ankle Brace
 
RE: The Chronicles of Rin Prologue is up!

GloreyAye said:
Why did you not split it, two paragraphs and the color of the text is not that good? However, I like that story I am impress to it. I will be right back in this discussion after all my jobs will be done.

I agree with the color thing because I cannot see the colors red, orange, pink, and magenta so can you post the next chapter in a different color so I can read what seems to be a good story? Please! ;]
 
Chapter 1

I had finished breakfast and went upstairs into Amy’s room. She was already up, writing and drawing. She smiled at me.
“So you finally beat the sun, huh?”
“Unless you consider Daylight Savings Time fair game, then no.”
I smiled at her back, and examined her: she had become quite attractive over the years, and the many phone calls from random boys at school has proven that.
“Breakfast is done.” I said, breaking my gaze at her.
“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute.” She said, slipping out of the covers, revealing she had nothing on but a bra and underwear. I blushed as she went into her closet, and opened the door. She then pulled out a pink shirt with a low-cut and some jeans. “Should I wear this?”
“Sure,” I replied, going next door to wake up Naomi.
“Morning, Naomi.” I said, gently shaking her until she woke up.
“…what time is it??” Naomi drowsily asked, searching for the clock.
“About 6:35, and breakfast is done.” I replied, knowing that my parents were normally awake and downstairs making plates for everyone.
“Hi, hun.” My mother said, gently waving at me.
“Hello, Son.”
“Hey, Mom. Hey Dad.” I slowly walked down the stairs.
Amy then came downstairs while she was brushing her fur.
“Good morning dear.” My mother greeted Amy, who waved back.
“Hello, Amy.” Dad said, setting out three plates for the three of us. Dad then set two plates for himself and Mom.
Amy came down and sat in the middle, where she normally sat. I sat to her right, also where I normally sat. Naomi came downstairs looking fully awake, even though I could have sworn she was as tired as a Slakoth earlier. Naomi then sat down to Amy’s left, and said hi to everyone. Breakfast was quiet, and the most conversation was talking about today. Naomi was also planning on going on an adventure, and Amy was going on one as well. We might regroup for another one, but we were focusing on the now. In the middle of the conversation, my dad went upstairs to go get Jake, who was probably watching reruns of Teleteddiursa. After breakfast, I went into my room and put a black DC shirt on and some jeans. I put on my DC shoes and went outside.
The sun was crawling up towards the sky. I smirked again. I stepped off of the concrete porch and onto the marble sidewalk. I don’t know why it is a marble sidewalk, though…It must have been pretty expensive, but it is smooth…Anyways, I decided to head into town. As I walked, I had a confident smile on my face. Unbeknownst to me, a Shiny Absol snuck up on me, and pounced on me.
“AH!!!”
The Absol giggled and smiled at me.
“Hi, Rin!”
I was surprised to see that it was my friend Emily.
“Hey Emily…” I said, trying to get her off of me and back on.
“Whatcha doin’?” Emily asked, rolling off and standing up.
“Getting ready for our adventure, where is -?”
“Oh, that?” She interrupted. “I’ve been ready!” Emily said, smiling cutely at me.
“That’s great, but where is…never mind.” I continued to move ahead, followed by Emily, who was observing the houses and buildings.
We continued on ahead, heading into town. The way there was quiet, which was surprising, knowing the fact that we were both excited for what was ahead of us. First, we decided to head to the bazaar, with tons of markets of different varieties. The Bazaar was in place of the new mall to be built. The Bazaar was there just to supply those goods and services while the mall was being constructed.
First, we headed towards the Weapon’s shop. The shop was only a 15-foot cube, the front part being replaced with a curtain. The cube thing (yes, I said thing) was made out of what appeared to be a combination of recycled plastic and recycled metal. Pokemon have taken ideas from the humans (such as recycling) and furthered their uses. The humans were wiped out by war in the 2980’s.
Inside the recycled cube was a wooden stand, at the bottom showcasing various weapons. Emily started to browse, and I almost instinctively went to the shopkeeper, a young Blastoise.
“Excuse me sir, besides weapons, do you have any spell tags or things like that?”
Spell tags had become quite common in the battling world or whatever you want to call it. Some of the most used Spell tags had been of the Pokemon element: Such as Signs of Sceptile or things like that. I think there are other elements, but I haven’t been told about them.
“Yes I do.” The Blastoise pulled out a box with a top on it. The box had a mystical aura surrounding it. He opened the box, revealing a grid inside of it, filled with stacks of different spell tags. Each spell tag had a different pokemon on it. Emily came up to the counter without my knowing. She was looking at the various assortments of spell tags.
“Wow!” Emily exclaimed, observing each and every spelltag. The tags have a circle on the front at the top of them, with a picture of the Pokemon on it. Then there is the Japanese wording on the back. On the front, there is the English translation, which has the name, description, and classification number of the spell tag. Spell tags rank from easy, medium, hard, and sacrificial. Easy ranks are marked with a black star, Medium ranks are marked with a bronze star, Hard, a silver star, and sacrificial a gold star.
I then looked at the weapons, so Emily could have more space to look. What caught my eye was a mythril knife, with a golden hilt. It looked amazing. I picked I up and showed it to the shopkeeper.
“Excuse me, sir. How much is this?” I asked.
“Well, how old are you two?”
“13” We both replied.
“What are you using them for?”
“We’re going on an adventure, sir.”
“Then it’s free. I’ll get some tags ready for you two as well.” The Blastoise then got an assortment of spell pouches.
“Which ones would you guys like?”
“May I have that one?” Emily pointed to a purple silk pouch with a Mew design.
“May I have this one?” I held up a silver silk pouch with a Raikou design.
“Certainly.” The shopkeeper got our things ready for us (Emily had gotten a mythril knife as well, except her hilt was silver.) and handed them to us.
“Good luck on your adventure!” He called as we left.
“Thanks!” I called back.
“See ya!” Emily replied.
We didn’t figure we needed to get anything else, so we headed to the park, where we were supposed to meet the third member of our team, Ashe. Ashe was a female Vulpix around our age. Her fur was always sparkling, so were her eyes, which were blue. Ashe is normally happy and tries to keep spirits high.
When we sat down on a bench, Ashe came walking towards us, a smile on her face.
 
First thing off the bat: too much dialogue. Rarely in many instances will a good situation has that much conversation.

Actually, let me rephrase that: The dialogue is not scattered around enough. There is too much talking and not enough description/reflection to go around. The reader cannot imagine the scene because the only thing the he/she can do is just listen to the conversation, that's it.
 
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