Writing Shock in Awe (Update: Chapter 2)

[Luckyfire]

RE: Shock in Awe (Title changed LMK, Chapter 2 DONE!)

Too many quotes filled with mistakes, so I spoilered it -.-

Chapter One:

Spoiler

“Oh dear brother Jarrod, hasn’t Danny told you? She’s ordered us out of this forsaken place. We have no business. We haven’t seen the British in over three months now. The men need action” Replied Joseph with a slight laugh.

First, I noticed that at the end of the sentence, there wasn't a period. You need to use these frequently. Second, the word 'Replied' shouldn't be in caps; it should begin with just a small 'r' letter.

More mistakes in Chapter One. Edits/pointers in bold.

Walking back into his barracks, he pulled out his pistol, do you mean 'walking' talking large strides down the hall to a large room labeled “236C Commander Jarrod Barton-Sky” period needed here again

Thirty-two men poured out of bed onto the floor. “Stand up [insert comma here] you big bunch of panzie’s I think a exclamatory point would be here We are moving out today. Get ready get packed,” said Jarrod in a commander-like voice. “and you Private Whitman!” he said sarcastically “give Ms. space here Piggy a kiss for us.”

“What kinda question is that? Ever since you brought those kids to my door step, I’ve loved them like family!” Allisia said with tears in her eyes. She gave Jarrod a hug, and handed him a basket full of bread.

Jarrod walked over to the navigator tent. He got the route information, and the departure time for his platoon. He got into the back seat of the front humvee, and told Colonel Williams to head off to the village I've got a feeling this should be a "talk" -> we were supposed to be on our way out of this mud, and heading towards the northern deserts.

“Let’s get this party started, shall we gentlemen?” said Jarrod, reaching backwards, and pushing the CD into the player. He also pulled out a deck of cards. “$5 on me winning this first hand,” he said comically.

“Screw you Miller!” said Whitman in the back seat as he threw down a hand that lost to Private Miller by one point once again, period here The group laughed. They had been playing a game that the people had taught them. They called it ‘trompette’, which translated to Trumpet. An old card game that was popular back in the 80’s in America. They didn’t have the money for a board or the pieces so they just played it with points.

“Now fork over those bills ladies.” he said laughing. His men were not amused. The navigator threw back his hand full of terrible cards and handed back his money.

“Why do I always get the crappy cards?” he said confused, and then looked at Whitman who was trying not to laugh. He punched him, and took his money back. “Screw you all!”

Chapter Two:

Jarrod fell forward and jolted back, causing him to snap awake from his nap. He was confused about what just happened [insert semicolon here] sliding off his seat belt, he jumped out of his seat, and turned around to look through the front windows. He saw the driver and navigator unconscious with blood dripping from their foreheads semicolon again splattered across the windshield, I think, not front because of the air bags. Looking closely through the space in between the air bags, he saw some camels in the road grazing.

I tried my best. The point of serious concern is where you need to use the small letter, and not the caps version. Also, end your conversations with a comma if it's supposed to end in a period. Real stories use this sort of system.

 

[MrGatr]

RE: Shock in Awe (Title changed LMK, Chapter 2 DONE!)

Sorry for the super late reply, I've been busy deciding whether or not to scrap the preview of chapter three, and so I have. I plan on having it posted today.

Thanks for the critique, I really need to work on keeping my lil'fingers of the shift key, it's just a habit I've picked up, because of keyboarding, and the random use of capitol letters.

EDIT: Jarrod himself doesn't use many pauses when speaking/yelling. It's just something he's developed after being in war. (Have you ever heard a South African/American accent? They use no comma's and when they do, it's to take a breath, and Jarrod doesn't breathe shallow like most of us.)

 

[Muddy68]

RE: Shock in Awe (Title changed LMK, Chapter 2 DONE!)

Wow, who would have a thought a chapter with a name involving camels would be that intense. Great job!

 

[MrGatr]

RE: Shock in Awe (Title changed LMK, Chapter 2 DONE!)

Hey man thanks. Because of the game tonight (right now) I can't do the next chapter, so it will be tomorrow.