Writing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Legends

Ivy

How much have I missed? o~o
Member
Now, this is a new type of Mystery Dungeon. As you can see by the title. I hope this story is a success. I promise to spend more time on this. Now enough blabbing and time to start the story!

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Legends~Chapter 1~

A Pokemon stood in front of the guild. It was worried, as you can see in it's eyes. It was red, its fur a little puffed up, with a stone in front of it. Getting a good look at the stone, or fragment for that matter, would confuse any Pokemon. It was a swirl like pattern, with all decorative items around it.

"Oh what am I going to do? Step on the grate or not?" a frantic Pokemon asked itself, "I must step on it! I need to be brave! I have this special stone with me so I'm safe!"

The Pokemon looked around. It looked at the grate. Working up all it's courage, it went foward and walked on the grate.

"Pokemon detected, Pokemon detected!" a voice bellowed from beneath the grate.

"Who's Footprint is it?" another voice exclaimed.

"The footprint is Torchic's! The footprint is Torchic's!" the voice replied.

"Gwah!!!!" the Torchic exclaimed, jumping off the grate, "I'll never be able to get into the guild."

The Torchic ran off to the beach. Soon after a Zubat and Koffing came. The Zubat was like a normal Zubat, except that it was wearing a bandanna on it's neck, nobody knows why. Koffing was quite usual, except, smellier then usual.

"See that treasure!" the Zubat said.

"Yeah, we better go get it from that wimp," the Koffing replied.

The two Pokemon went off after the Torchic. Down at the beach, the Torchic looked quite sad, but amazed at the beautiful sight of the Krabby's blowing bubbles. They sparkled and floated through the air, with no care at all.

"Wow, it is beautiful, watching the bubbles go by through the air," the Torchic said to itself.

It noticed something at the far end of the beach.

"Is that a...POKEMON!?!?!?" the Torchic exclaimed running over to it's side.

The Pokemon was blue, and looked quite roughed up. It had a few scratches here and there, as well as one or two bruises. The poor thing looked looked lost and quite confused. Finally, the Pokemon got up.

"(Where am I?)" the Pokemon thought.

"Are you alright?" the Torchic asked.

"(Alright? I feel like a Pokemon...)" the Pokemon thought.

The Pokemon looked around.

"I'm a human you know," the Pokemon said.

"A human? You look like a full blown Mudkip. This isn't a joke? Wait, are you an outlaw?" the Torchic asked frantically.

The Pokemon shook it's head no. It looked in the reflection.

"(Omigosh! I am a Mudkip!)" the Pokemon thought.

"Well do you at least remember your name?" the Torchic asked.

"My name's Lilly," replied the Pokemon.

"Okay...Well at least that's a good sign...I guess...Anyways my name is Blaze," the Torchic said.

"(Blaze, okay...But still, I wonder where I am...)" Lilly thought.

"Well, I don't know if I can trust you...You seem some what suspicious..." Blaze said.

"(I'm not at all surprised...First saying that I'm a human when I even look like a Mudkip...)" Lilly thought.

"Well can I at least show you something...Maybe you know the answer," Blaze said.

Blaze placed a strange stone on the ground. It had a very unusual pattern on it.

"(Wow, I don't think I've ever seen a pattern like this! Is so...strange, that's a good way to put it,)" Lilly thought.

Lilly shook her head no.

"No idea either...Oh well...It's very special to me, and I never keep it out of my sight," Blaze said picking up the stone.

"Hehehe!" the Zubat laughed.

"Hohoho!" laughed the Koffing.

The two Pokemon ran into Blaze, knocking her back, making her drop the stone.

"Blaze!!!" Lilly exclaimed, stepping back next to her.

Blaze shook her head, and got up. Koffing and Zubat picked up the stone. The ran of into a dungeon, a cave at the end of the beach.

"Eep! They took my stone! What am I going to do!! Lilly!! Will you help me!!! I need to get back my stone!!! My one and only prized item!!! Will you please join me and help me!!!" Blaze exclaimed, "We can be an exploration team!!!"

Lilly jumped backed.

"(Out of the blue you want me to help you and form an exploration team!!! I don't know...It's quite random...)" Lilly thought.

After a couple seconds, Lilly made up her mind.

"Yes, I'll help you," she said.

"Oh thank you!" Blaze said with sparkling eyes, "Thank you thank you thank you!"

The two set off into the cave after Zubat and Koffing.

"Just to let you know, we can only hold one item at a time...Quite sad actually..." Blaze said running.

"(One item? Oh well...We just need to hurry...Before it's too late...)" Lilly thought.

Lilly nodded. The two Pokemon kept running. They kept running until they ran into a Pokemon. Blaze used scratch on the Shellder. Lilly used tackle. The Shellder fainted.

"And every time you defeat a Pokemon, you get Experience Points, the more you get the more levels you gain," Blaze said.

"(Okay, but I don't really care at the moment,)" Lilly thought.

The two Pokemon ran even faster. They finally reached the end of the dungeon. Blaze saw Koffing and Zubat. They laughed.

"H-hey give it back! My special stone!!!" Blaze exclaimed.

"Hehehe! The wimp actually stood up to us!!" Zubat said.

"Yeah, must have took too much courage!!!" Koffing said laughing.

Lilly was quite aggravated at them. She hit Koffing with Tackle, and Blaze followed up with Scratch. Koffing used Poison gas, but the two Pokemon contoured with Scratch and Tackle, knocking out Koffing. Zubat chickened out and dropped the stone. Koffing fled and Zubat followed.

"We did it!!" Blaze exclaimed, "Thank you!"

Blaze picked up her stone and jumped with joy. Her eyes sparkled with delight.

"It means so much to me!! Blaze said, tearing up, "A billion and one thanks!!!"

"(Blaze, it was nothing, I swear. I just helped a friend,)" Lilly thought.

"Thank you!!!!" Blaze said crying with joy.

"(Blaze it's okay,)" Lilly thought, a little worried.
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That's the very first chapter. Enjoy!
 
How did I miss this one?

The biggest concern I've got for this is the fact that it's mostly dialogue without a lot of serious description. That alone takes away from the narrative significantly. I've said it to people time and again that one of your most important tools in fiction writing is the ability to describe things, even if they're taken straight from familiar settings such as PMD: Explorers. I mean, just mentioning creatures' names and copy-catting stuff from games into a virtual script isn't the same actually writing about something in a way that people can actually envision it (I'm not saying you have to slather on every single detail about what Torchic, Mudkip, Zubat, and Koffing look like, but it still helps to have at least something about their appearances mentioned; otherwise, you're essentially "drawing a blank" for the reader). Also, it helps to beef up the context in general, given that this comes up a bit short of the required 1,000-word minimum (about 828 words according to my MS Word's word count). Think you could add a bit more to make up for that?
 
Okay dokey! Thanks for the tips. I'll spruce it up right away!
 
Yep. Description is really the worst of it. If you can overcome that hurdle, it should improve a lot.
 
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