Writing Disbelief

Zyflair

Zyflair

Yes, sir. Of course, sir.
Advanced Member
Member
Disbelief
Rating: PG-13 for Moderate Violence, Slight Profanity, and Alcohol Usage.
Genres: Pokémon, Action/Adventure, Fantasy
Inspired by: Too much roleplaying
Dedicated to: PokéBeach Members
Credits to:
- [mod]Apollo the Incinermyn[/mod]: Former Endorser
- [member]Arceus of Heaven[/member]: Endorser
- [member]Lucky Fire[/member]: Endorser
- [member]DNA[/member]: Endorser
- [member]Eldir[/member]: Endorser
- [member]Skymin[/member]: Endorser
- [member]Squirtli[/member]: Endorser
- [member]TyphloWolf[/member]: Endorser


Table of Contents



Prologue
"There is no true reality. 'Reality' is only what we believe to exist. By suspension of disbelief, by the faith that nothing is impossible, anything can be done. That concept is the heart of Rogu magic." - Commander of the Black Claw

Collyn wrinkled his nose in an attempt to keep himself from sneezing. Never before had he seen such a dark room filled with tons of ash and dust such that if you were holding a lantern or candle to see, small clouds of the particles would be visible right in front of your eyes. The only source of light came from the burning fires of the forge across the room, the dancing flames hissing and crackling. Up against the wall, the shadow of a Mienshao pounded away with the silhouette of a hammer, the tool rising and descending without hesitation. Down, down onto the forge. The clashes between hammer and sword in making created a succession of pure tones, one echoing after the other. As loud as the repetitive ringing was, the Houndour still attempted to get the blacksmith's attention.

"Excuse me, sir?" Collyn called out. When that failed to produce any results, he tried it again, only louder. And for a third time, he tried once more. Realizing his normally small voice could not compete with the cacophony of the forging process, the impatient dog broke into a bark: "Mister blacksmith, sir!"

The hammer rose but soon stopped at the point where it normally would've started falling back down. The blacksmith slowly lowered the hammer to the edge of the forge, turning his head to look at Collyn (or, at least Collyn believed as it was hard to see him in the dim lighting). He turned his head the other way, and then reached out, grabbing a wooden handle and pulling it, sliding a wooden panel to the side, opening up a window to the outside. Sunlight poured in and identified a few of the features of the blacksmith Collyn did not know of. The obvious one that stuck out first was the unusually dark shades of his fur, of dark silver and violet. Most would simply guess that the Mienshao's occupation led him to have this trait, but Collyn somehow doubted that to be the case. The Mienshao was also slightly a bit skinnier, maybe even frail, pretty noticeable for the species's naturally thin figure. Quickly, the blacksmith’s eyes adjusted to the light, peering down to see the guest.

“Oh, is it afternoon already?” he asked, clearing his throat immediately afterwards when his question came out in a slightly grainy tone. Collyn shook his head in response.

“It’s still morning, sir… I just wanted to come by early.”

“Ah! A prepared one, are you? Pardon me, but I’ve yet to even get started.” The focus of his eyes moved from the Houndour to around the room, darting glances to see where everything was. “I hope you’re not a rush to get going anytime soon are you? Maybe in ten minutes or so?”

“That’s fine, sir…” Collyn faltered, starting to have second thoughts already. Father was so insisting on choosing this blacksmith to be his Accum, but the old ermine in front of him hardly seems healthy, let along physically fit. Nor did he appear alert. After all, Collyn had walked into the house without even getting noticed (and he did accidentally close that door pretty roughly). Did he really have the right person?

“Excellent! Ah, forgive me for the rough start. The name’s Garwin.” Garwin, the Mienshao, extended out his arm, but only the fur reached the short Houndour, who grabbed it hesitantly, attempting to give it a handshake. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let's go over the policies. Just to make sure."

"Yes, sir," Collyn replied, letting go of the fur. Being freed, Garwin started walking to a wooden drawer besides the forge, opening it and rummaging through it. In the midst of his searching, he reviewed mentioned "policies."

"Good, good... now, as your Accum, I will not be involved in any of your responsibilities concerning daily activities during the entire journey. I am mainly by your side for protection if the road gets rough. I trust you were properly trained to live in the wild. Speaking of training, your father praised you quite highly with your fighting abilities. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're gifted with short sword combat, correct?"

"I have been told that, sir," the Houndour replied. That very reply also caused Garwin to stop his searching in the drawers for a moment. Collyn did not simply answer "yes," which was what he expected from an inexperienced teenager. For someone of potential, Collyn certainly keeps his pride in check, perhaps even thoughtful. Upon thinking it through, Garwin figured since that they have time since Collyn had arrived early, a bit of fun was in order.

"So, Collyn is it, correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"Just address me as Garwin," the Mienshao chuckled. "Do you have a short sword with you?" Collyn frowned slightly from the question. What was this old man getting at? Maybe donate him a new sword, as he was a blacksmith after all? Charity was not desirable among his family, even if it was just to borrow it for the journey. Actually, more importantly, did the Mienshao not even notice the sheath and hilt at the leather belt around his waist? The place was certainly dark, but surely the outline of his fastened weapon would have been noticed if he had decent eyesight.

"I do, sir.... Garwin," was the response Collyn settled on.

"Excellent. Start warming up for a spar," the Mienshao replied, running his hands through the shelves of the drawer once more. He did not see Collyn's face twist in confusion.

"A... spar?"

"Aye, you heard right," Garwin chuckled, able to pick up on the baffled tone in the young one's voice. His hands stopped moving as they found what they were searching for. "Ah, here we are..."

"A spar with you, sir?"

"Garwin," the blacksmith automatically corrected. He stood upright, some sort of bundle in his arms. He turned around to walk to Collyn, leaving the drawer open. "Seeing you fight firsthand would give me an idea of how well you can defend yourself. Take off your pack." Garwin lowered his arms to drop the bundle he was carrying, dumping a set of leather armor fashioned specifically for a Houndour. Collyn could only stare at the equipment laid in front of him, caught off guard.

"... what?" he squeaked out, conjuring boisterous laughter from Garwin.

"No need to be so bashful, Collyn! It's just leather, so it's useless in protecting you from stabs and blunt strikes. Even an amateurishly shot arrow could pierce it easily. However, it would pad you quite decently from unarmed strikes like mine. It's only a spar, so I don't want you roughed up too much. While we're on preparations, please hand me your sword."

"Why?" Collyn replied, trying to regain his composure.

"So I can put on a protective cover. You wouldn't be swinging that with ease at me if you knew it could put a gash in my body. It shouldn't make the sword that much heavier either so you wouldn't be at a disadvantage." After a few seconds of silence, the Houndour reached down and pulled his sword out of his scabbard, resting it on both of his paws before handing it over to Garwin, who thanked him and cautiously took it.

As the Mienshao got the cover for the sword, Collyn started suiting the armor on his body. The easiest part to put on was the helmet. However, he found the muzzle to be quite restrictive; talking with it would take time getting used to. However, it protected most of the head, sans his eyes and ears. It took Garwin's aid to fasten the rest on his body, fully preparing him for their spar. A small, nearby wall mirror showed his small doglike figure without much of its fur visible, replaced by the leather pelt of some other species. His paws, however, were left completely uncovered. Almost intimidating to himself, the new look was. His sword receieved something of the opposite effect, its metallic shine replaced by the dull leather surrounding it. As Garwin had said, it barely felt any heavier. It might slow down his swing time, but it wouldn't matter too much in a petty spar.

To be honest, he was looking forward to see if his Accum was actually skilled at self-defense, given his apparent age and frailty. Perhaps, just perhaps, if he even won the spar overall, he could protest to his dad that Garwin would be an incompetent Accum and he'd avoid having to do this quest at all!

Somehow, the idea of a friendly spar seemed a lot better than it had a moment ago.

"Are you ready, Collyn?"

"I am, Garwin," the Houndour replied (to his surprise, the muzzle didn't make speech that difficult), closing his eyes to calm down. An easy solution to fix everything: He just had to win. He was a young teenager and praised of his short sword ability. He just had to beat an old man at a fight. He couldn't see anything that could go wrong with this... Unfortunately for Collyn, his calculations had incorrectly measured one factor of the equation quite terribly.

That factor was Garwin.

~~~

They had walked out to an area behind Garwin's house. A simple grass pasture smoothed out to have an almost perfectly even level of ground. After warm-up stretches from both sides, the two assumed positions across from each other in the lawn. They had agreed to start the fight by the traditional method: Garwin would drop a rock from his palm. The moment it hits the ground, both would be free to move.

And when that happened, Collyn soon came to realize how badly he underestimated the Accum assigned to him. Not giving in to second thoughts otherwise, Collyn had already planned to rush down Garwin. Given how the Mienshao was visually impaired, if he could manage to spend the beginning to just remove the distance between them, those fur whips of Garwin’s wouldn’t be able to keep up with his swift sword. He immediately dashed up towards his opponent, pushing against the ground with his hind legs in a sprint. Simply the first few steps in the opening second allowed Collyn to close in more than half of the distance between the two.

Garwin, in contrast, made no such hasty move. But when Collyn so blindly charged up against him, the Mienshao grinned and flicked his arm across his body rapidly. The long fur attached to that very arm swung around and caught the Collyn's right ankle as soon as his foot hit ground once more. The whip of Garwin's proved most unexpected due to its sudden execution and precision. Before the Houndour could react appropriately, Garwin swung his arm again, this time diagonally upwards. The fur whip followed suit and flung the fire dog into the air, sending him crying out in an uncontrollable spin before hitting the dirt rather painfully.

At that time, Collyn was sure of one thing: if this was a true battle, the aged blacksmith would have annilhilated him.

Hope you enjoyed reading it! Love it? Support this penniless writer by putting a link to this fanfic in your signature! ;3
 
I was about to ask you if you were planning to write a story.... But you've beat me to it. The first chapter is great. Althrough a bit harsh, it's pretty good. Try to make a longer chapter next time, ok? :)
 
Well, Chapter One is definitely going to be at least twice as long as the prologue. ^_^

I'm glad you like the story! Thanks for reading!
 
Have a small fix:
In the third paragraph, you have "skinner" where "skinnier" should be. Another line or so down: add an apostrophe to the end of "species" to show possession of the Mienshao's fraility.

Overall, this is a quite interesting start. I enjoy how you describe things so well without using the monstrous vocabulary (a la Dan Brown or UU). Some of the description around Garwin's sayings appears slightly overpaced, but it shouldn't trouble you too much. Just my advice to break some of the conjuncted sentences up and elaborate - some seem like irrelevant connections and could be split. I don't remember where exactly, but look in where Garwin describes some traits about Collyn by speaking.

Keep it up. Must read for me.

~AoH
 
Fixed. I believe that there should be an 's' after the apostrophe too as "species" is singular. I am pretty guilty of convoluted sentences, so there might be some statements that would seem awkward. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to spot them myself, so you'll probably have to point them out for me. XD

But thanks for reading! I'll try to find those strange sentences, but no guarantees! ;3
 
MIENSHAO \o/

... I think I just fluffed.

This is awesome, Zy. The only thing I found was that "fraility" should be "frailty." Other than that, I can't wait to see what kind of quest this Houndour is going on :O
 
You mean for real this time? XD

Fixed. Yes, you get a Mienshao as the protagonist. ;3
Well, the quest would be revealed in due time. In fact, I'm debating on holding off all of the specifics of the journey till Chapter Two, due to the fact Chapter One spends time concluding the fight started in the prologue.

Thanks for reading!
 
It was not that incredibly well done. XD

But anyway, thanks for reading!
 
Zyflair said:
Fixed. I believe that there should be an 's' after the apostrophe too as "species" is singular. I am pretty guilty of convoluted sentences, so there might be some statements that would seem awkward. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to spot them myself, so you'll probably have to point them out for me. XD

But thanks for reading! I'll try to find those strange sentences, but no guarantees! ;3
Click to expand...

I will not be involved in any of your responsibilities concerning daily activities during the entire journey. I am mainly by your side for protection if the road gets rough. I trust you were properly trained, and your father praised you quite highly. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're gifted with short sword combat, correct?"

The bolded one seems unrelated as a whole. You could split it up and give one or two sentences after each to elaborate. There were a few others, but I can't find most of them right off. Soon, though.

~AoH
 
You know after reading this, I found only three major issues with it (this is after everyone's else posted, mind you), one of which I believe was answered in the story itself (indirectly):

~The quote at the start of the prologue seems to have almost nothing to do with the prologue itself. Granted, it's probably something like a sense of foreshadowing, showing what might eventually happen. Not much of a major issue really, but it just looks out of place...to me anyway.

~You described the Houndour as being 14 years old. Now, that might not sound surprising at first, but think about this: Houndour is a dog. The average life span of most dog breeds and species (e.g. wolves) is about 15 years, maybe as much as 20. And although you're trying to portray this dog as a "human" teenager, in effect you're just making him an old mutt nearing the end of his life. And even in the make-believe universe that is Pokemon, you can't explain that away easily. If I were you, I probably wouldn't assign a number to Collyn's age; instead I'd use a phrase such as "just come of age" or something similar. ...Forgive me, I'm an ultra-picky realist :p

~The concept of an Accum...You don't directly explain it at all, but based on the hints you have left, it is like the relationship of master to apprentice, if I'm not mistaken. The context clues you have left behind in the prologue certainly indicate that.

And here I thought I'd be sitting at my chair for an hour or more reading something. That took all of 15 minutes. YES!!
 
@TFO - So now you change it to "most", eh? ;3

@AoH - Oh, Arceus (no pun intended), how did I link those clauses? Thanks for finding that! XD

@DNA - 100 words a minute was your reading speed. then. ;P
I realize that the quote looks out of place, but the best place to put it anywhere would be at the beginning. So there it is. I could have simply left Collyn ageless, but not giving a number isn't really something I like doing. Furthermore, since this is anthro, normal animal logic gets slaughtered to begin with. Lastly, yes, the role of an Accum is so vaguely described (implicitly, no less!), but I avoided talking about it because one, it's not too important, and two, it would interrupt the flow of the story at hand.

So yeah, I'll try to see what I can do about the age thing. I'll probably remove the number and be done with it.
EDIT - Yup, I did exactly that.

Thanks for reading!
 
Well, I am a pretty fast reader (although not to the point where I spare myself of the details). So don't be too surprised.
Furthermore, since this is anthro, normal animal logic gets slaughtered to begin with.
Click to expand...
I don't think this qualifies as full anthro. If it were, they'd have different body shapes. For now you're just assigning human personality characteristics, which doesn't really pose a problem - nor does it allow you to slaughter logic ;)
 
Oh, I wasn't surprised.

Well, the anthro fact doesn't slaughter logic, no. ^_^"
 
Wow! I really liked the prologue. The fantasy aspect is something that attracted me from the first paragraph. Other than the corrections already mentioned, I didn't see anything remotely long with the prologue. Also, I love the Houndour and Mienshao as characters. Very interesting about how well they "contrast."

Anyway, very nice read, can't wait to see more! ^.^
 
Oh, they will contrast quite a bit as time goes on, as you'll find out. Of course, going into detail about it would be spoiling you, so that's all I'll say. :p

Thanks for reading!
 
Yay, you told me to read the first part of your fan-fic earlier and I actually ended up reading it today. ^.^ Though I have to say that I don't really have an opinion on it yet. It was definitely well written and I enjoyed reading it, but I'm not sure if it's something I would have stumbled upon and decide to read by myself. =P But anyway, just glad I could fulfill your favor and I will definitely check back here as often as I can and read as your story continues. :]
 
Well, it's understandable. Not everyone actually likes to go read fanfics (it's pretty much the other way around. ;_; ) but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top