Writing Pokémon Chapter - Vs. Empoleon

brOkenice

Still an Ice Expert
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Pokémon Chapter

"Honchkrow!" the Big Boss Pokemon screeched from the dark skies over the old town district of Haze City.

It was a crisp, cold night as the air was settling to fit its new autumn outfit. The town was empty, night lamps being the only source of illumination. Honchkrow flapped its wings lowering itself to the point where it was flying a close eleven inches above the stone street. Looking from side to side, it made sure that everyone of the town was fast asleep. Satisfied with the results of its search, Honchkrow flew to the tallest tower in sight; the bell tower over the train station. When it reached there one teenager, in a hood colored dark red, was waiting standing on the ledge watching Honchkrow as it drew closer. The dark bird roosted right next to the person and positioned its wing as if it was whispering a message to him. He nodded and smirked with his teeth showing. Teeth of a Sharpedo. The Honchkrow decided its work was done and returned to the black sky which was just begging for the bird to fly in circles.

"It's starting, you know. Just think about it. The entire region. Under our control!" he imagined.

The eyes of scarlet appeared behind him. The body of a sixteen-year-old girl filled the rest.
"What was the purpose of starting this late?" she asked. He shrugged and exhaled a storm. "He made specific directions to begin at this time. I don't even know why. If he told us the reason we would have probably been more patient. But who cares. The matter is, it'll all be ours to command."

A faint zephyr soared by them. A whisper of a dark voice. "No, that's not the point." They both froze, paralyzed by what was most likely fear. Slowly they looked up to the tip of the tower. Another person, standing on the tower's peak, looked back at them. "Raven, Rachel. You're focusing on the unimportant. This is the day we're starting. Was there any question on why that is?" They shook their head immediately. No. "Alright then. We should go. It would do no good if the world found out about us. After all, we don't even exist."

Chapter I - Vs. Zebstrika
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Rose's eyes lit up when she saw her new school Angel Academy, a recently rebuilt marble building with beauty only artist can describe accurately. Winter sakura arranged a circle around the school. Pidove pecking at its branches. Students in white uniforms studied and hung out on the steps. Rose unraveled her scarf and ran up the stairs clinging to the neckwear with her hand. But suddenly, a misstep, a mistake, a meeting of the tip of Rose's shoe and a step, an avalanche of Rose, her scarf, and her shoulder bag raged down the stairs. All voices stopped as a million eyes focused on Rose. Disaster. Rose hastily picked up her belongings and rushed up the stairs through the door ending in the lobby. Hopefully, she avoided an audience of students laughing at her.

"What a mess." she mumbled walking through the central lobby named Sapphire Hall. A corridor filled with parents who are most likely waiting to see their students and a front desk for information. Blue pillars of marble held up the ceiling. Rose walked up to the desk waited for the lady to find her information on her computer. The lady hummed 'mmmhm' when she found it.

"Oh, I see. Rose Evans of Haze City. 12-years-old. Aiming to become a Connaisseuse. This is your first day. To start of, welcome to Angel Academy."

Rose smiled, "Thank you." The lady beamed back. "Well the next area you should go to is the Battle Arena. That's where you'll be taking your battle exam. It's over there down that hall. Don't forget your id." Rose nodded, took the id card, and left for the arena. Halfway there she realized what the lady just said.

"A battle exam?" she panicked, "No one told me about that. What will I do? I'm épouvantable..." In her process of panic and despair she bumped into another student resulting in yet another tumble. She looked at the person she bumped into. A boy, give or take a year apart from her age. He had red hair, wearing the standard uniform for males accompanied by a oversized doctor's coat. He was rubbing his head.

"Oops. Sorry, sorry." Rose back up then ran past the boy rushing to the arena. "Hey, wait up!" he shouted after Rose but she pretended not to hear. She opened the door to the arena and ran inside.

The arena was a dome with a glass ceiling. There were 6 battlefields, five of which were occupied. The sounds of commands, Pokemon, and explosions filled the air. Rose was just intimidated by the fact Pokemon were attacking with amazing power. How could she beat any of them? A elderly man in a brown suit cleared his throat near Rose. She jumped and turned to face him.

"Professor Weyes at your service." he stated. "Rose Evans, I believe. You're here to perform your exam. Am I correct?"

Rose swallowed and mumbled, "Yeah." Weyes cleared his throat once more. "Excuse me, but I would find it reasonable if you were to speak up." Rose lifted her head and spoke in a slightly louder tone. "Yes, I am."

Weyes smiled, "Excellent, come with me." The two reached a table covered by a red cloth where the unoccupied field was. Three woman of prestigious apparel were sitting down. "The judges?" Rose asked. They nodded. Weyes cleared his throat a third time.

"You see Rose a Connoisseur, or a Connaisseuse in your case, has the ability to see the compatibility of Pokemon and Trainer. In the Battle Exam, we test to see if you have that ability."

Rose sunk into her shirt's collar. She was not expecting an exam, and she was completely unprepared. Her red scarf was wrapped around her neck. It suddenly became cold. "So, Rose. Are you ready for your exam?" Rose wanted to say no, but that would make an unwanted first impression. She just nodded and took her place on the field. Weyes smiled and walked to the other side, "Then let our battle begin."

Rose was a bit surprised. She thought she was going to battle a fellow student. Maybe a teacher would go easy on her and will send out a Pokemon like Timburr or Hoppip. Wrong. "Go, Zebstrika!" Weyes shouted. A Pokeball flew from Weyes hand popping open. A white energy spilled out forming the zebra. "ZEBSTRIKAA!" Rose flinched at the sight. She wanted to run, but she remembered. The judges were watching. Surely running wouldn't be the best thing to do in order to gain points. She exhaled in an attempt to calm herself. She reached into her bag and pulled out a Pokeball. Throwing it into the air, she shouted. "Snivy, come on out!" A white sphere burst from the Pokeball and landed making the image of Snivy. "Sni." the grass snake pokemon said calmly. "May the match begin." the judge in the middle declared.

"Okay Zebstrika," Weyes commanded, "Flame Charge!" Zebstrika stomped the ground making a cloud of dust. Then bursting from the cloud, Zebstrika was covered in golden flames, making its charge on Snivy. "Uh-oh. Snivy, uh...dodge! Then..um. Vine Whip!" Rose ordered. Snivy looked back at Rose, as if to say 'Are you serious?'. It jumped out of the way narrowly missing the flame attack. Snivy then attempted to slap Zebstrika with a vine from it's shoulders. "Good move," Weyes began, "but unfortunately not enough. Zebstrika, Discharge!" The electric type flared a whip of lightning in all directions, too fast for Snivy for to take away her vine. She was hit by the ourburst of lightning. Snivy backed away from Zebstrika. Rose was worried. She only got Snivy a few days ago and this was only their second battle together. "Zebstrika!" Weyes howled, "Use Flame Charge once more!" Another cloud of dust whipped up and Zebstrika charged out covered in a golden fire. Direct hit! Snivy was knocked into the air, taking a brutal fall. "Snivy!" Rose yelled. The judges scribbled something down.

"Your Pokemon. You recently obtained it haven you?" Weyes guessed. "Well, if I may Rose I'll say it's evaluating time."

Weyes crossed his arms and cleared his throat. "First let's observe Zebstrika. The lovely stripes adoring its body, the thunderous horns. A look of fierce power. Adding a pinch of fire and thunder and then you have a most desirable dish. But...Snivy. A plate of bland...no. Awaiting taste, not yet opened. So, Zebstrika Wild Charge!" Zebstrika ran towards Snivy. Its body then became surrounded by yellow electricity. Rose thought for a second. This could make or break her career as a Connaisseuse. She stood up tall. She inhaled, get ready. "Hey Snivy! Dodge! Slide under Zebstrika legs!"

Snivy nodded and ran in Zebstrika's direction, in a split second before they met Snivy lowered under finding herself directly under Zebstrika. "Snivy, Vine Whip!" Snivy's two vine whipped Zebstrika's underside making it jump from pain. "Don't let that bother you Zebby-boy. Counter with Discharge!" Zebstrika released a bolt of lightning in Snivy's direction, more aimed than the last one. "Snivy, don't fret! An Iron Tail please!" With a tail of silver, Snivy held her tail as a shield against the attack, deflecting it upwards. The judges scribble something down.

"Now, attack!" Rose beamed. Snivy hopped up to Zebstrika slapping it in the face with its tail. Zebstrika was knocked back. "Zebstrika, don't give up because of their lucky steak! Now, Wild Charge!" Zebstrika ran towards Snivy, covered in lightning. "No, no.", Rose shook her finger. "Glare Snivy!" The grass snake's eyes glowed red making Zebstrika stop in it's tracks. Zebstrika fell one one knee. "Snivy, show off your Vine Whip!" Snivy spun, whipping Zebstrika repeatedly making it exhausted. The judges wrote something down, smiles pinned to their faces.

Rose grinned, she was in the spotlight. Her time to shine. "Hé hé, écoutez! It's tasting time, alright?"

Rose spun in a circle sniffing the air. "Zebstrika..."she started, "a flavor of spicy fire. The appearance of a 5 star dish. But it's lacking something. A taste. Of course. It's defense. A weakness in the recipe!" Rose placed her hand over her heart. "But Snivy. A dish once bland but now is flavorful. Its sweet, merciless Iron Tail. The bitter, cold Vine Whip. The spicy, blazing eyes of Glare. Surely if these flavors were mixed, the recipe would be titled: 'Victory!' " Snivy jumped in pride and confidence. "Now Snivy, finish with Iron Tail!" Snivy slid by the fallen zebra, tail clad with silver. Snivy winked at Zebstrika before delivering the finishing blow. Zebstrika was knocked out. "Incroyable! The dish is served!" The judges applauded. So did a few other people who must have been watching in the background.

"Amazing comeback.", the middle judge said. "Wonderful.", said the one of the left. The third just nodded. Professor Weyes laughed and returned Zebstrika to it's Pokeball. Rose did the same to her Snivy. "What a turn of events," he clapped. "I didn't see it coming." Rose thanked Weyes for his praise. "Now," he said taking out a stamp from his front pocket. "if I may see your id."
"Sure!" Rose smiled reaching into her pocket. Wait. She started to panic again. "Where did I put it?" she whispered to herself. She turned around and ran to see if she left it at the information desk, but..."Thud". Rose bumped into the boy wearing the doctor's coat. He looked at Rose. An uneasy look. "Uh...you dropped this." he said handing Rose her identification card. "Oh..." Rose reached for the card. "Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah." the boy said backing up.
"Jake!" Weyes called. The boy looked up in Weyes direction.
"Oh, hi Professor W. How are you doing?" He asked. An unbelievably polite voice.
"Oho. I'm fine." Weyes assured. "I was just defeated by this young Connaisseuse, Rose. How is studying medication doing for you?"
"Well...I guess it's fine. Although I am late for a class."
"Huh? Oh don't worry. I'll escort you there. Give a good excuse. See you later Ms. Evans."
"Oh. Um. Bye Rose." Jake waved leaving the arena with Weyes. Rose stared at the door he left through. Card in her hand. She smiled.
 
RE: Pokémon Chapter - Vs. Zebstrika

Zippy wants in on this story. He is from AA after all.

Great start BrOken. While there are a few grammatical errors, very good introduction. Your description of the battle scene is great, and I really enjoyed it. I've already grown to love Rose! You may want to include a bit more description of Angel Academy, as I'm finding it hard to paint a picture of it in my mind. Nonetheless, great work!!
 
RE: Pokémon Chapter - Vs. Zebstrika

I noticed a few mistakes. But that was very entertaining and I would love it if you added the next chapter!
 
RE: Pokémon Chapter - Vs. Zebstrika

Pretty nice story. Yes, the grammar needs a bit of switching up in a few places, and I see a few random details, but I like the story. Good work.
 
Late in the night a student, dressed in crimson and black, walked up the stone carved steps leading to the glass doors of Angel Academy. An Umbreon trotting aside her. She was also accompanied by two men in officer uniforms with a Magnezone floating behind them, she kept her black dyed hair low, shadows over her eyes. "This is your chance. First and last.", one officer said. "Not that you deserve it. People like you should be locked up forever." the other added. She smiled, "You have no knowledge of the truth. Hopefully my time here will reveal that to you. People who can find the truth." A few Woobat soared above in the sky. She paused taking a moment to stare before being ordered to go inside by the left officer. The Magnezone roared a magnetic screech. The girl, obviously not wanting a confrontation, walked in. The night made Sapphire Hall a different place. Instead of the busy adults walking about and the polite workers at the information desk, there was an appealing aura that consisted of silence, charming shine illuminating from the chandelier, and the once blue marble that turned a dark orange due to the candle's light. She grinned and walked further inside leaving the officers at the door.

Chapter II - Vs. Empoleon
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"Snivy, how do I look?" Rose asked putting the finishing touch on her school uniform. A wardrobe consisting of a short-sleeved, white dress shirt rimmed with red lining at the sleeve ends, the collar, and the bottom while her frilled skirt was magenta in coloration. Snivy smiled giving its approval of the clothing. Rose grinned. She gave her dorm room a quick look around. A room with cyan walls, a large window with a view of a sakura forest. A mint rug. Two beds, one with red sheets and one with blue. Rose's possessions was on the red bed. A book of recipes and three pokeballs. From one of them, a Beautifly burst out onto the floor, lounging about..

"Oh, Beautifly. You wanna stay here?"
The bug waved it's wing, signalling a yes.
"Okay then, Snivy let's go!"

Rose and Snivy ran through the door excited to start their classes, Beautifly sleeping on the rug.

"First stop," Rose read from her schedule. "Acknowledging Pokemon Compatibility in Room 207. After that there's Herb and Berry Observation."
Rose continued stroll down the corridor reading from the list, Snivy looking from her shoulder. It seemed to go on forever. Class after class. They looked at each other in a worried grin. Then they smiled. "How hard could it be?"

Nine hours later Rose slammed the door of her last class shut. Snivy trailed behind her. She leaned against the wall, slid down and took a swig from a bottle of vitamin water she received from Jake earlier. Her bag jampacked with herbs, berries and books collected throughout the day she slowly dragged herself to her last class located in the Battle Arena. Snivy yawned while riding on top of Rose's head. She opened the doors of the arena for Rose using it's Vine Whip. Multiple students were batting and evaluating each other's pokemon.

"Oh, Rose." a lady dressed in a white one piece dress and bifocal glasses walked up to Rose and Snivy, "I was waiting for you. Today we're focusing on establishing good judgement while evaluating a person's Pokemon." She led Rose to a fellow Connoisseur in training and the battle started. Her Snivy versus his Poochyena.

"Snivy use Leaf Tornado!"
Rose's Snivy lifted it's tail into the air allowing a green breeze to twist around it. "Poochyena, use Bite!" the rival student shouted. Poochyena leaped its way to Snivy.
"Now!" Rose commanded as the grass snake whipped its tail letting the wind push the dark type up in the air knocking it out. Rose continued to perform her evaluation.

This winning streak of hers led on to her defeating ten different pokemon from ten different connoisseurs and evaluating them after she won. The teachers were impressed, however the students took a different take on it. They knew who they needed to outshine.

After their eleventh battle, against a Munchlax, Rose and Snivy were exhausted sitting in the middle of an empty field.

"Excuse me." a girl behind Rose said. She and Snivy looked up to see a student dressed in a light overcoat colored both crimson and black. An Umbreon rubbed its tail against Snivy making the starter jump backwards.

"Seeing you defeat a handful of trainers, I was wondering if you'd be so kind to evaluate one of my Pokemon." the girl brushed her short, black hair away from her eyes. Rose looked over at the Umbreon and nodded. "Sure, I'll check your Umbreon."

The girl shook her head, black hair falling over her eyes again. "No, not Umbreon, but still. Would you?" Rose got up to her feet and walked to the one side of the field. "Hé! I'm way ahead of ya! Let's start. I'm Rose by the way!"

The girl was a bit shock of Rose's enthusiasm but shrugged and walked to her end, Umbreon trailing behind her. "I'm Lea. Nice to meet you Rose." From her sleeve, a Pokeball dropped into her hand. "Lets see how good your evaluation skills are." she threw the ball into the air and a blue sphere shot onto the ground forming into the shape of Empoleon. Snivy braced itself.

"I'll start!" Rose cheered. "Snivy Iron Tail!"
Snivy's tail glowed a grey iron and she drove her tail near Empoleon. "Steel Wing." commanded Lea calmly as Empoleon's wing became outlined in blue blocking Snivy's attack and countering by pushed it into the air. "Drill Peck." Empoleon was ordered, jumping into the air spinning wildly. "Hey Snivy! Block with another Iron Tail!" Snivy's tail burst with iron-like aura slamming into Empoleon's spinning peck with such force it knocked both of them back.

"How's that evaluation coming along?" Lea questioned, although Rose shook her head. She hasn't made one yet.

"Snivy, Leaf Tornado!"
The grass pokemon spun in the air collecting a twister of green wind and blew it in Empoleon's direction. "Aqua Jet to avoid." Lea commanded. Her Empoleon's hide became a mixture of water and ice as it leaped out of the tornado's range. "Now Aerial Ace." Empoleon's skin returned to normal as it spreaded its flipper allowing it to glide down landing in a devastating crash on top of Snivy.

"Now?" asked Lea, but Rose shook her head once more. "Not yet. Snivy get up and use Vine Whip!"

Snivy slid away from Empoleon and attacked with a bouquet of two whipping vines. Once again Empoleon blocked Snivy's attack with it's iron clad wing. "I've battled a few connoisseurs before. Usually they would have came up with an evaluation. Are you focused more on the battle?"

"Huh? No I'm just-"
"...distracted?" Lea interrupted. "The point of this battle was to find my compatibility with Empoleon not to add another win to your belt. End it now with Aerial Ace, Empoleon. This is going nowhere."

Empoleon dashed with breakneck speed then soared into the air, gliding. It landed on Snivy, knocking it out quickly.

"Empoleon, return." Lea commanded, Empoleon returning to it's Pokeball. "Goodbye Rose." she said walking away with her Umbreon.

"Empoleon." Rose began. Lea stopped in hee tracks.
"A dish who used spices in a way so amazing, I had to copy. Using offensive moves to make a strong defense? Delicious. The chef must have trained vigorously to make such a technique. Wouldn't you agree Lea?"

Lea nodded, her hand brushed her hair off her eyes. "I'd say that's spot on. Of course I already knew our compatibility but still. You're good at what you do. See you, Rose."

Lea and Umbreon left Rose's sight as she held a Revival Herb over Snivy's nose reviving it. "Okay!" she shouted. "who wants to battle next?"
She was charged by almost every fellow student who wanted to outshine her.
 
That was really good! I would really like it if a legendary made an appearance, like in a dream.
 
Hey, welcome to the Writing Corner. =3

It doesn't seem like you wrote anything in for PokeBeach, but as a story submitted for the first time, it's a pretty decent. There are couple things that do need to be improved, however. Apollo told me he mentioned you to work on the spacing between paragraphs, but I just want to make sure you get that fixed: always have a blank line between each paragraph, and this includes dialgoue lines, which count as paragraphs. There are alot of moments in your story where there are lines of dialogue that isn't separated.

Also, with dialogue, the rule is that if someone else begins to speak, it goes to a new paragraph. No exceptions. This means that when you have a battle scene, when you have trainers alternating commands at their Pokémon, each time you switch to a different trainer, you must move to a new paragraph. For example, one of your battle scenes:
"Okay Zebstrika," Weyes commanded, "Flame Charge!" Zebstrika stomped the ground making a cloud of dust. Then bursting from the cloud, Zebstrika was covered in golden flames, making its charge on Snivy. "Uh-oh. Snivy, uh...dodge! Then..um. Vine Whip!" Rose ordered. Snivy looked back at Rose, as if to say 'Are you serious?'. It jumped out of the way narrowly missing the flame attack. Snivy then attempted to slap Zebstrika with a vine from it's shoulders. "Good move," Weyes began, "but unfortunately not enough. Zebstrika, Discharge!" The electric type flared a whip of lightning in all directions, too fast for Snivy for to take away her vine. She was hit by the ourburst of lightning. Snivy backed away from Zebstrika. Rose was worried. She only got Snivy a few days ago and this was only their second battle together. "Zebstrika!" Weyes howled, "Use Flame Charge once more!" Another cloud of dust whipped up and Zebstrika charged out covered in a golden fire. Direct hit! Snivy was knocked into the air, taking a brutal fall. "Snivy!" Rose yelled. The judges scribbled something down.

Should look like this:
"Okay Zebstrika," Weyes commanded, "Flame Charge!" Zebstrika stomped the ground making a cloud of dust. Then bursting from the cloud, Zebstrika was covered in golden flames, making its charge on Snivy.

"Uh-oh. Snivy, uh...dodge! Then..um. Vine Whip!" Rose ordered. Snivy looked back at Rose, as if to say 'Are you serious?'. It jumped out of the way narrowly missing the flame attack. Snivy then attempted to slap Zebstrika with a vine from it's shoulders.

"Good move," Weyes began, "but unfortunately not enough. Zebstrika, Discharge!" The electric type flared a whip of lightning in all directions, too fast for Snivy for to take away her vine. She was hit by the ourburst of lightning. Snivy backed away from Zebstrika. Rose was worried. She only got Snivy a few days ago and this was only their second battle together. "Zebstrika!" Weyes howled, "Use Flame Charge once more!" Another cloud of dust whipped up and Zebstrika charged out covered in a golden fire. Direct hit! Snivy was knocked into the air, taking a brutal fall.

"Snivy!" Rose yelled. The judges scribbled something down.

This needs to be applied to every paragraph like this. Doing so helps keep the speaking in order and categorizes every part of the battle with each paragraph.
 
honestly when i read the link i thought this was gunna be some littel kid writing undetaild storys about pokemon fighting. but from the begining of reading your storys i realizxed that wasnt the case. veerrryyy talented. altho storys arnt my strong suite, i have no critique to offer. im a poetry guy so idk anything about stories. but theese are great!!! i love the first one. verry good. check out my haiku thread :)
 
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