Writing Poem (Please rate)

[MightyMightyena]

Mightyena
Fur as black as a moonless night
Eyes glinting red like the dawn
Curving long sabers called fangs glisten in the moon
Ears pointed and delicate
Claws sharp and long
Tail held high like a flag
It runs quickly yet gracefully
Its eyes can see what we cannot
The ears can pick up the breath of an insect,
It can sing a beautiful song to the sky
Mightyena

 

[Palmer]

I know how it is not to get my work rated, so for the benefit of someone who can share my pain, I'll give you some critique.

Mightyena
Fur as black as a moonless night}
Eyes glinting red like the dawn}These two lines masterfully picture the majesty of a Mightyena. I see an obsidian black werewolf like being lurking at midnight. Bravo!
Curving long sabers called fangs glisten in the moon}Let the reader decipher it as a simile instead of pointing out the obvious. Use "as" in lieu of "called", and use "beneath" rather than "in" to accentuate the luster of Mightyena's teeth.
Ears pointed and delicate}Those who know what a Migthyena is would be able to visualize this already. Try to use some adjectives instead in order to cement his characteristics rather than his features.
Claws sharp and long}See commentary on line #5.
Tail held high like a flag}See commentary on line #5.
It runs quickly yet gracefully}The words "runs" and "quickly" have meager amounts of poetic value which ensues the impact that "gracefully" would normally project. Try to be more consistent by adding equally potent words.
Its eyes can see what we cannot}See is a very shallow word, you could either replace it, or rephrase the entire sentence. Make sure to maintain its meaning though.
The ears can pick up the breath of an insect,}Like stated in the previous lines, the word "pick up" lacks the vigor that other options would have. It suffers from informality, so I'd look for a more suiting synonym like "senses".
It can sing a beautiful song to the sky}The word "beautiful" is somewhat over used and has lost its profound literary significance, unless you use a handful of words to compliment it. For the word "song", there are plenty of substitutes which include "madrigal", "rhapsody", "chorus", "ballad", and so on and so forth. Your intention here isn't bad at all though, you did a good job thinking this out.
Mightyena

Your insights are well-thought-of, and your similes and hyperboles can get even better. I like how you try to draw readers into the poem with your initial figures of speech but make sure not to disappoint them; end the poem in a bang. Sure, you start out really powerful, but it ends up becoming like a running horse that eventually slows down. Figures of speech are great, but to compliment them, "big words" would be necessary every now and then. I'd like to see more of your work. I'll have to rate you a "William Butler Yeats". I would also appreciate it if you also critique my work that you can find in this same forum, although that's always an option.[/cc]

 

[AllStar]

Mightyena
Fur as black as a moonless night
Eyes glinting red like the dawn
Curving long sabers called fangs glisten in the moon
Ears pointed and delicate
Claws sharp and long
Tail held high like a flag
It runs quickly yet gracefully
Its eyes can see what we cannot
The ears can pick up the breath of an insect,
It can sing a beautiful song to the sky
Mightyena

My version^^
Fur as black as THE moonless night
Eyes glinting red like the dawn( Excellent )
Curving long sabers,
THAT glisten in the moon
Ears THAT ARE pointed delicate as you
Claws with a mighty tail,
strong and bold,
Runs like a cheetah but graceful as a bird
Eyes that will seek what we long to have
Ears that shall pick up the breath of an insect,
Singing like the cute little Jigglypuff