Writing (In Progress) Pokemon: Time Exploration

Kamara12

The Lucario Girl
Member
This will hopefully be my first full-length novel here. These are the contents:
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Prologue: Discovery
(ip)Chapter One: Village
(ip)Chapter Two: Test
(ip)Chapter Three: Missions

I have more chapters coming, but I am certain on what to do in those first three chapters. I hope you enjoy.
Prologue
Raven peeked cautiously over the tall patch of grass. She was hunting in the forest she called home. Mom told her that the humans called it Kinleaf, but she rarely saw humans this deep in the forest. She was in her secret area, where the trees seem more alive and there are more Pokemon scurrying about.

She waited patiently behind the grass and soon her patience was rewarded. An oblivious Rattatta soon came bounding over in her view. The purple rat sat up on its hindlegs, sniffed the air, and laid back down
to eat the grass.
“Now’s the time,” she said, smirking. At that, the young Houndour pounced. Rattatta shrieked and attempted to flee. Raven was faster and within seconds, had Rattatta by its neck between her teeth. Raven applied pressure to the neck and Rattatta’s body went limp. She dropped the dead rat on the ground and set it ablaze with her flamethrower. When she saw that the body was brown and toasted, she set to work on devouring it.

When she was finished, Raven licked her fangs and then turned to the sky. It was near sun-down. She could tell because the sun was setting over the horizon.

“Whoa, better get back home before mom or dad freaks,” she said, kicking the carcass to the side and running back to the trail she made between home and her hideout. The path was a set of trees which was marked by a pair of burnt marks.

“That’s weird,” she said as she reached the spot. Not a single tree in the area had a mark. Each of them were as clean and bare as the ones beside them. “I could have sworn it was right here.”

Raven paced back and forth in a scurrying attempt to find the starting trees, but still could not find it. After a while, she laid down on the ground. I..I can’t be lost she thought. I clearly marked the trees with my flamethrower She scanned the area while laying down. Her curiousity peeked suddenly when she saw something sticking out from between a set of trees.

Raven trotted over to the set of trees and discovered a small grey rock about two feet tall and three feet wide. Why would there be a rock in the middle of the forest? she wondered. Cautiously, Raven tried to headbutt it. Surprisingly, the rock moved foreward, but then an Earthquake shook the area.

“Whoa,” Raven exclaimed, trying to hold on as the ground rumbled violently. The rock shattered and then four walls shot up and boxed her in. She gulped and frantically looked around for an exit. However, there was no gap in any of the walls so she tried to stay calm. The walls then began to glow bright and a ceiling closed the opening from the top. Raven’s world suddenly went white and she passed out.



Chapter One
“Hey you!” a voice entered Raven’s consciousness and she started to feel a pushing feeling.

“M-mother?” Raven managed to say, before opening her eyes slowly. There was a small Pokemon she never seen before with a stick in their hand. It was small with silver on its fromt and blue down its back. It stood on two legs and had a dome-shaped head.

“Well, for one, I am a boy,” said the Pokemon. “Secondly, who are you? Why did you just appear? Are you magic or something?”

Appeared? Raven wondered. She slowly got to her feet and blinked. She then scanned the area. She was in a patch of grass overlooking {i]A valley?[/i] It seemed like the forest, but newer. She then looked at the Pokemon. “What is your species?”

The Pokemon blinked. “You mean you never heard of a Cranidos?” he asked. “Then again, I never met your kind before either. Hi, I am Kar. What and who are you?”

“Raven, a Houndour,” she said. “I really don’t know how I got here, wherever here is.”

“Hmm, magic must be,” said Kar. “You are in Kinleaf Valley. Enough chitchat, though. You need to come with me. As far as my dad’s concerned, you are an outsider.”

With that, Kar set off down the hill. He stopped midway before shouting back, “Hey, are you coming?” Raven blinked and then followed him down the hill. She thought she heard him say, “Just when you think ya seen it all.” She smirked and followed behind him. She suddenly had a curious streak in her and she wanted to explore.

Within minutes, the two of them reached a village made out of wood. She saw two Pokemon standing at the gate. They both were brown and also stood on two legs. Instead of hands, though, they had two curved blades. They stopped Kar before he entered.

“Who is this creature, Kar?” the Pokemon on the right said.

“Her name is Raven,” said Kar. Raven smiled slightly. “She is a..erm..was it Houndour?”

“Yes, I am a Houndour.” Raven replied, shyly. “I am new here and have never been here before. What Pokemon are you two?”

The Pokemon on the left stared at her. “Hmm, a Houndour. I never heard of such a Pokemon. I suppose you shall keep an eye on her, Kar?”

“Yeah, I am bringer her to father,” Kar replied. “She certainly isn’t going to cause trouble. I will guarantee it.” The two looked at each other before removing their bladed arms. “Very well, Kar.” Said the Pokemon on the right. He nodded solemnly, which Raven assumed meant to go ahead. Kar moved first and entered the village. Raven followed after him and the gates closed behind them.

Raven took a good look around the village. There were lots of weird looking Pokemon. The houses were made of straw and she saw nests built at the top of the houses.

Kar stopped abrubptly at the third house on the left. “This is my dad’s house,” said Kar. “Oh and by the way, those were Kabutops at the gate. You must not be from around here at all. Perhaps I should show you around afterwards.”

Kar then knocked on the wooden door and called, “Father? I found someone to meet.” There was a thud before the door swung open. Raven looked up to see a much larger Pokemon. It was large and was also blue and silver. It had a larger tail and red eyes.
“Hmm, Kar,” said his father. “Come inside, both of you.”

Kar nodded and came inside the hut. Raven stood there cautiously at first, but then followed Kar into the house. It was pretty much barren in the hut, except for the collection of rocks on the shelves and two rock like beds on the opposite side.

“So, what is your name, stranger?” Kar’s father asked. Raven blinked and turned to him.

“Raven, sir,” she said nervously. “I am a Houndour. I don’t really know how I got here.”

“It must be Celebi,” the Pokemon said. Kar looked at his dad with surprise.

“Celebi?” Raven thought she heard that name before, but wasn’t quite sure. Her mother always told her the story of Celebi, but she rarely payed attention.

“Dad, are you saying…” Kar asked in surprise.

“Yes, son, it was Celebi’s doing.” His dad finished off. “You must have been sent through time. You are a lucky one, Raven. Celebi must know something bad is about to happen here and she sent you to help.”

Raven nodded. “That has to explain it somewhat,” said Raven. “However, why would Celebi send me here and I am just a pup.”

“Even babies can move boulders,” his dad said. “I am to assume you don’t know much about this place at all. I am a Rampardos. I evolve from Cranidos here. Oh, and you can call me Jaran”

“I am planning to take Raven out to show her around,” said Kar. Jaran nodded.

“That would be wise,” Jaran replied. “Well, you two can go have fun I guess. Just be careful. Not too many Pokemon take so kindly to ‘outsiders.’” Kar smiled and nodded.

“Thanks, dad,” said Kar. “I assure you, she won’t cause trouble. Come on Raven.” Raven smiled slightly.

“Thank you sir,” said Raven. The two of them then left the hut and Kar started walking through the village.

“Well, first things first, the Pokemon,” said Kar as they walked. “You have already met Kabutops, Cranidos, and Rampardos, but there are other Pokemon here as well.” He stopped and pointed at the rooftops. Earlier, Raven did notice the nests built up there. “Those are Archeops nests. Archeops are birds that evolve from Archen. I would suggest not to mess with them or their eggs.”
 
It's been a little while since I've actually had a reason to critique anything beyond basic descriptive and plot-building issues, so I'll start off with some of the minor mechanical issues I spotted...

She waited patiently behind the grass and soon her patience was rewarded. An oblivious Rattatta soon came bounding over in her view. The purple rat sat up on its hindlegs, sniffed the air, and laid back down to eat the grass.

“Now’s the time,” she said, smirking. At that, the young Houndour pounced. Rattatta shrieked and attempted to flee. Raven was faster and within seconds, had Rattatta by its neck between her teeth. Raven applied pressure to the neck and Rattatta’s body went limp. She dropped the dead rat on the ground and set it ablaze with her flamethrower. When she saw that the body was brown and toasted, she set to work on devouring it.

This was just a minor spacing and editing issue you should take care of. First off, the end of the bolded sentence was somehow on the following line (I'm presuming you just hit enter at the wrong time and didn't notice it). You just need to fix that so it's all in the same sentence again. Otherwise you just need to double space so that you start the next paragraph off correctly.

[I..I can’t be lost, she thought. I clearly marked the trees with my flamethrower.

You just need some punctuation in the spots I bolded to designate that those are Raven's thoughts.

It was small with silver on its front and blue down its back.

Minor mispelling here. I'm sure you mean "Front," not "Fromt."

{i]A valley?[/i]

Small tag issue. It can be quickly fixed with a left bracket "[" before the first 'i' for italics.

“Yeah, I am bringer her to father,” Kar replied. “She certainly isn’t going to cause trouble. I will guarantee it.” The two looked at each other before removing their bladed arms.

“Very well, Kar,” said the Pokemon on the right. He nodded solemnly, which Raven assumed meant to go ahead. Kar moved first and entered the village. Raven followed after him and the gates closed behind them.

Dialogue needs to be formatted so that, whenever a new character talks, they get their own paragraph of speech. I'm just hoping I didn't misread this, but it seems like you've lumped the dialogue of multiple characters into the same paragraphs a few times.

Additionally, when you go forth and describe how a character is saying something within the same sentence that a quoted passage is in, you have to always use a comma in place of a period. Other punctuation is fine to leave alone, but the following part of the sentence should be left lowercase unless it's a proper noun (like a character's name) since it is all one sentence (namely, the part with the actual noun and verb).

Kar stopped abrubptly at the third house on the left.

You just misspelled "abruptly" here. There isn't a second "b" in the word right before the "p" like you had it.

All in all, this isn't a bad start to the story. However, I feel that you probably could take a little time to add slightly thicker descriptions, particularly to what the main characters and the settings look like. But then, this is coming from someone who absolutely slathers on details in his own writings, so don't feel pressured to write huge bulky paragraphs to tell your audience what things look like. It's just that the current amount of description makes things seem vague to me and is sort of spotty.

Also, don't be afraid to elaborate on your characters' personalities and backstories too. Characterization is usually lacking in stories like this, so it helps to make your characters a lot more complex than simply Pokemon interacting with one another.

Good luck, and hope to see more from you!
~Incinermyn~
 
Alright, it's time to buckle up and get those nasty little paws to work.

Frankly, when I skimmed through this, I was originally going to point out the critical formatting errors that occurred throughout the two chapters. However, it seems that Apollo has fixed you right up. So, let's get on to a few issues I've been concerned about when I perused through it.


She waited patiently behind the grass and soon her patience was rewarded. An oblivious Rattatta soon came bounding over in her view. The purple rat sat up on its hindlegs, sniffed the air, and laid back down (massive space here)
to eat the grass.
Hmm, minor spacing error. I don't know if that was done inadvertently by your keyboard, but perhaps patching up that small issue there should be good.

Rattatta shrieked and attempted to flee. Raven was faster and within seconds, had Rattatta by its neck between her teeth. Raven applied pressure to the neck and Rattatta’s body went limp.
You misspelled Rattata on this one. No worries, even I get a handful of Pokemons' names mistaken. However, fixing those errors are recommended as soon as possible.

“Hey you!” a voice entered Raven’s consciousness and she started to feel a pushing feeling.

The last three words sounded...mildly awkward to put it in a simplistic level. Try altering it to something like "a paw prodding her." or "she felt the hard touch of something on her shoulder." .


With those aside, generally I'm taking a liking to the concept of your story. The plotline seems good as of now, and character development and dialogue can be improved on a little more, but that only comes with enough attempts at correcting your mistakes. Otherwise, great concept and conceived plotline and characters! I'm eagerly looking forward to reading more from you!

-D-G

 
Kamara12 said:
Raven nodded. “That has to explain it somewhat,” said Raven. “However, why would Celebi send me here and I am just a pup. (Wouldn't you use a question mark?)

“Even babies can move boulders,” his dad said. “I am to assume you don’t know much about this place at all. I am a Rampardos. I evolve from Cranidos here. Oh, and you can call me Jaran (little comma error here)

Other than those two, I think Apollo (the Incinermyn) and Dark-G got it all. They just missed those two. :p

I look forward to your next chapter.
 
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