Writing You're Wonderful

Wizard

Not So Simple
Member
This is an alteration of Alice in Wonderland.
Even though the concept is overused, I can assure you that the plot is most likely not as rehashed. Probably.
This is also the first actual story I ever written on my free time.
drinking game, take a sip when the word Wonder is said
So here it is:
Eater's
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He sighed. "Then tell me Blaez. If a tree falls and no one's around, does it make a sound?"

"I would think so."

"Oh really? How does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it."

"Just because its scream is not heard, doesn't mean it never yelled in the first place."

Kheshire giggled. "Is that so?"

Blaez rolled her eyes. "Whatever...if someone's listening or not. The fall is the same. The tree still dies. What's the point?"

He paused. "'The fall is the same.'? Heh. Well. You would know, wouldn't you."

0

The 123
...city under the clouds.

"Out of my way!"

"Shut up!"

"You're blocking my view."

"Just go away."

"Leave me alone..."

Blaez lifted the high collar of her sleeveless, white shirt with pink-yellow stars down the middle. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

Everyone else is useless. Stop bothering me.
I know who I am. I don't need anyone.
I have my values. Keep your own. I want to leave here.
Go to a place where I can be alone. I want to come over-


"-to my house Friday to go over our lines, okay." Erika appearing behind Blaez.

"What? No." Blaez huffed. She realized that she's been daydreaming so long, she didn't notice Ericka sneaking up on her. She never cared her Ericka. Her happy-go-lucky vibe clashed too harshly with Blaez's attitude. But she would humor Ericka.

"Gosh. Ericka, for the last time I'm not acting in that stupid play! I'm going home, and sulking."

"Please! You're my best friend, and I really want someone I know there."

"Well you're not my best friend. I don't have any friends. I'm not going."

"But it's the Wonderland play.," she explained, "your favorite."

She huffed. "Fine. Sure. Whatever...you stalker." Blaez said. "Maybe I should leave for a Wonderland."

"I don't know. I couldn't leave all my friends and family behind. I'm not selfish."

"I couldn't care less. I would give anything to go there. A different, peaceful quiet."

Blaez reached a group of kids and pushed them put of her and Ericka's way. However one of the kids grabbed Blaez's arm, as Ericka continued forward obliviously.

The kid was Blaez's age. He was a lanky, fair-skinned teenager with lavender hair with a fedora covering the top half of his head. He wore a white button-down shirt, with the top three buttons undone. He let go of Blaez's hand and lifted his head.

"You're wrong. A Wonderland is a gather of ideal of people who wonder of a different place." he stated. "Your wonderland is the one you experience in your dream, since your wish is for the world to be interesting and safe. You can't survive in the real Wonderland.

Blaez scoffed at the fact she was considering responding. She resisted the urge to punch him. "If my idea of a wonderful world takes place in Wonderland. Then I can handle it. I'll endure it until I find my idea."

"Even if it means abandoning your life. You'd escape for the chance to search for such a world."

"Even if it means abandoning my life. I don't really have one anyway. But who exactly are you? And why should I care?"

"I'm a friend. If you want, I mean."

Blaez saw that he was beginning to grin. Ericka was still walking down the road.
"If you want to stay here. Or go find your Wonderland. Go with your 'friend'."

"Blaez." Ericka stood directly behind her now. She extended her reach to Blaez. "Come on. Let's go home."
The kid extended his hand. "Come to Wonderland."
Follow your friend? Didn't I just say that I have none?​

Blaez took the man's hand. It was solid. "Wait, you're real? I'm not hallucinating?"
"You have accepted." He said as shadows wrapped around the two of them, blocking Ericka from view. "Wait, you're not joking? No!" Blaez's palm started to burn from holding his hands. The pain was too much and she let go and fell backwards.

Without the kid to guide her, she was simply aimlessly wandering in the vast black.
"I hope I'm dreaming." She said walking towards a faint light in the distance.

As she continued to walk forward, her mind stumbled upon Ericka.
"I shouldn't feel sorry for leaving her. I just told her we aren't friends. But...you know whatever."
She reached the light and swiftly tried to grab it. Her mind went quickly blank and she felt herself falling asleep.

Treetop Palace
...kingdom over the trees.

When her eyes opened she found herself in a forest. It was dark, the sun was just setting.
"I'm still here? Hmmp. I was dreaming after all. Maybe I wandered into a forest somehow. I wonder how I get back home."

*beepz beep* Blaez's phone rang. "Huh?" she muttered. "I never give anyone my number." She looked at the sender. K.C. "This obviously isn't spam." She sarcastically said opening it.

Blaez.
In Wonderland, you'd want to protect yourself from the dangers you'l face.
When in trouble press 5 to protect yourself.

-K.C.​

"That's oddly specific. But whatever." *delete*
Just then, she heard a girl scream behind her. "Help!" it whined.
Blaez simply turned away and continued to walk through the forest. It wasn't her problem.

But the scream became louder. The yelling girl ran past Blaez.
"Hey! What are you..."Blaez twisted to see a monster.

It was violet with dangerous red eyes. Its arms were constricted together by chains and its legs were covered in a cage that was shaped similar to a hammer.
Blaez fell backwards and wanted to get away, but then suddenly the monster's chains came loose and wrapped around her legs. In place of the chains, the monster summoned an axe.

*beepz beep*
Blaez was frozen in fear, but reached in pocket and took out her phone.

Blaez.
Just press 5.

-K.C.​

Blaez move her finger from the delete button to the five key and pressed down.
Instantly, the monster became engulfed in flames. She pressed it again and the chains on her legs burned off. The monster, still ablaze, raised his axe and slammed it down, Blaez closely evaded it by rolling to her other side. She pressed five once more and a circle of fire appeared over the enemy, then erupted and spread fireballs over the monster's body. It fell, defeated and disappeared into pink bubbles.

"That's unfitting." Blaez commented looking at the girl who was running from the monster.

She was at most 12 years old, but her clothes seemed too revealing by Blaez's standards.
A red-white short, sleeved jacket that revealed her midriff with a short skirt that was held up with a thick belt.

"Wow." The girl said. "Aren't you special. You took out a Noon in just two hits. It takes me more than ten."

"Um...Noon?"

"Yeah. They appear all over the place in Wonderland. That was a Cage. I would have defeated it myself, but I lost my doll."

"A doll?"

"Yeah. My doll Johnny, it's a stuffed hare and it protects me when I'm in trouble."

Blaez took a long pause. "Maybe I'm still dreaming." She continued through the forest ignoring the previous events.

"Wait, wait." The girl pleaded. "Do you mind if I follow you for protection?"

"Yes. I mind a lot." Blaez quickly responded.

"But I know my way around the forest. Well I'm Hatari, but you can call me Hat. What's your name? At least."

"It's Blaez."

"Blaez? And you can use fire. That's neat."

"I hate fire. I like water better." She sped up.

"But wait can you stop?" She grabbed Blaez's hand. "You need to go home, right? So let's strike a deal. You help me find Johnny and protect me, and I'll lead you out of Wonderland."

"I'm not in any freakin' Wonderland."

"You still think you're dreaming? C'mon Blaez. Stop being delusional."
More Cage Noons appeared around Blaez and Hat.

Blaez scoffed at herself and grabbed Hatari's hand. They ran through the crowd of monsters and continued to run through the forest.

"Okay Hat you can follow me."
 
"It's really my fault for believing someone right away. My kindness probably got the better of me." Blaez muttered while pacing around her jail cell. "I wonder how'll I get out of here."

The card knights confiscated her phone, so since fire wasn't an option Blaez sat down and waited, reminding herself not to trust people.
 
No originality prizes for the concept, but your take on this is pretty interesting nonetheless. However, your story suffers from having a perspective that‘s almost completely detached from your characters. Tell us more about what the protagonist feels and thinks. This is not always easy in a third-person perspective, but just telling us “so-and-so happened. [Insert name] did so-and-so“ gets boring very quickly. Almost any given audience will respond to characters rather than events, because they develop some measure of connection with the characters. In terms of indentifying with the protagonist, the theme of a “better“ world is a powerful tool you could use more to make this story more interesting.
 
Okay then. So I'll try to make the [next] chapter in first person to give a better understanding of the protagonist as a person.
Thanks for the advice. The next chapter will be much longer. It'll be here by Wednesday.
 
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