Writing Extra Voltage Chapter 3 being delayed because of a fail... Sorry!

Inigo Montoya

Hatman/Imakuni?/Not Not-TDL
Member
This is my 1st pokemon story, so hope you like it.

But first... PURPOSE OF STORY THING!
For this story, I am trying to get a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon feel to it, something that will be exciting and emotional at the same time. I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for quite a while. Trying to include new Pokemon as the main villan, it should be fun. Now...

TABLE OF CONTENTS!
Chapter 1:Scroll down!

Chapter 1

The forest was lush, and full of life. The sun was hanging low in the sky, and the leafy trees shaded me. My friends were around me, congratulating me for passing the Head Warrior training. Everything seemed to be perfect. Then, my stomach growled.

"Looks like I need to eat!" I said to my friends, who were 2 other Luxrays, named Zap and Flash. Zap looked at my belly.

"Yeah, you need some more meat on those bones. That training must have been really harsh," he said.

"It was. I guess that's what a month of training will do to you."

The cry of the clan leader, Raikou, sounded in the distance.

"Hey, we gotta get back to the Thunder Cliffs." Flash said.

"Okay, I'll race you back. Ready, set, GO!" I yelled excitedly.

As we raced into the setting sun, the Bunearys and Rattatas jumped out of the way, preying that they don't get trampled. Running as fast as you could, with the wind rushing through your fur, your feet pounding the ground at a rythmic beat... there was just no other feeling like it.

As I reached the Thunder Cliffs, I started to slow down. The others were far behind, and I was a bit tired too.

I walked into the site, almost everyone was amazed that I had actually made it through the brutal training of becoming Head Warrior. The only ones that didn't care were a few of the baby Elekid and Pachirisu playing a game with a leaf next to Cliffside. At that moment, all of my friends had made it into the Thunder Cliffs to congratulate me some more, but before they could get to me, Leader Raikou called me up to the top of the cliffside to make me the newest official Head Warrior.

Leader Raikou let out another roar, "All who are in the Thunder Strike Clan, please report to the bottom of the Cliffside for a very special meeting.

As the Pokemon moved out onto the area below the Cliffside, I was got some butterflies in my stomach, but I didn't show any signs on the inside.

Then Leader Raikou spoke. "Thank you all for coming to this meeting. We have a new Head Warrior!!!" Everybody cheered, and some Pokemon threw sparks into the air. "Now, I need you to quiet down again." Leader Raikou spoke in a firm voice. The crowd fell silent, but there were a few whispers going around.

"Thank you. Now, we must do the proper procedures to officially make him a Head Warrior, but sadly, we need to wait until moonlight to do that. So, to pass time, I will remind you of the big meeting tomorrow night at Bluerock. Now, as for assigning Pokemon to go to the meeting, I will let my co-leaders do that, who are Electivire and Ampharos. Now, I will call another meeting at Moonlight to do the ceremony for Volt.

As the Pokemon scrambled around, trying to suggest themselves to the co-leaders, I went to the cave reserved for the top battlers in the clan, because I knew that I would get to go to the meeting no matter what. Then, just when I was about to bo to take a quick nap, my stomach growled. I forgot to eat!

I rushed over to the food pile as fast as I could, eating a small apple in 4 large bites. I was still starving from the final test earlier today.

After eating 2 Yellow Gummis and an Oran berry, I was filled enough to last me a while. After eating, I was about to go over and talk with my friends, but Leader Raikou called us all for my ceremony.

"Hello, and thank you for coming again to the meeting. Tonight, we declare a new Head Warrior!" Everyone cheered loudly. "Now, I will need complete scilence to do this ritual."

Leader Raikou looked up into the sky. "By the great powers of the stars, I, Leader Raikou, leader of the Thunder Strike Clan, call upon my ancestors in the sky to use your powers to grant our new Head Warrior his abilities! Send us all of your power so that we can have an even stronger clan!" All of the sudden, we see the stars start to make a ring or electricity. The ring started to collapse in on itself, first slowly, then quite fast. When the ring was collapsed so much that is was in a ball, a giant thunderbolt comes down from the ball of lightning and hits me on the forehead. It stayed there as a continuous shock, where none of the bolt would break.

You may think that this would kill anything, but it doesn't. It gives you sort of a, powerful feeling, like you could do anything in the world at the current moment. You just had to know how to correctly absorb the giant blast.

The giant lightning strike stayed there for a few more seconds, before making a giant boom when the bolt stopped. I felt stronger. I felt more powerful, I felt encouraged. I felt I could do anything. I looked down at my paws quickly, then back to the sky, but then did a double take and stared down at my legs.

"Whoa! How did my paws get like this!" I said half to myself. They had giant yellow streaks going from the top of his front legs down to the paws, and I think my back legs had the same thing. I was mildly surprized, but I thought it made me look cooler.

Leader Raikou spoke again. "Thank you, great ancestors, for giving our clan more power. We appriciate your help. Now, Volt, you need to stay up all night to guard the Cliffs. No sleeping, and no eating. Only guarding. This is the most important part in the ceremony. If you can make it past this part, then you will be the next Head Warrior. Now, everyone, except for Volt, get some sleep, and be prepared for tomorow's meeting.

As the Pokemon file back into the caves in the cliff, I was eventually all alone.

What if the ghost horde comes back? I can't really defend myself from that, can I? Just thinking of the Night Horde brought back bad memories...

It was a week before I would go to my Head Warrior training. All seemed to be peaceful on this beautiful night. The sky overhead was clear, and the weather was warm. All you could hear were the distant sound of Hoothoots hooting in the distance, and a few quiet conversations going on between some of the younger Electric types. The rest of the Pokemon were all staring up into the spotless night sky. Only one problem. The sky was not spotless anymore.

Thick black clouds swiftly rolled over the sky, so that the entire Thunder Cliff area was shrouded in a deadly darkness. Everyone paniced. As chaos unfolded in the Cliffs, there were 5 Pokemon hiding behind only the darkness. They could see all, even though everything was painted in a jet black. Their plan to destroy all was about to unfold. All 5 of them covered their eyes, because the leader of the group had just thrown a Luminous Orb, shattering an eye piercing white flash across the dark cliffs. The bright light forced the Electric types to freeze in their spot, for some had been temporarily blinded.

The mysterious group then unleashed all of their power onto the helpless Pokemon lieing on the ground. All of the Pokemon outside had been eliminated. Their plan was a success. Except for one thing. Zap and I were inside, sleeping in the caves. The flash of light had woken us up. We stayed silent, knowing that if something was out there, it might hear us, and get rid of us, once and for all.

The only thing that I could possibly do was shoot a ferocious thunderbolt out into the empty darkness. I heard a thump from something big falling to the ground, then Zap fired another bolt of lightning out into the open. It didn't hit anything, because I heard a sharp hiss saying, "Watch out!"

I started to think about trying to blast them again, but then I remembered that I had just learned Flash. So, I used Flash.

The entire cliff area was lit up for good this time, and we could see our attackers. A Dusknoir, Gengar, and Weavile were standing up on the ground, while a Froslass was tending to a Honchkrow on the ground, who was obviously hit by my Thunderbolt attack. We both stepped out into the light.

"Who are you, and what do you want?" I yelled at the newcomers.

"We... are the Night Horde... what we want... is a world of darkness, so that no one will survive under their own control... We will make them our slaves, and take over the world, and slowly, but surely, the world will hold no more light, there will be no more sun, no glimmers of hope, and if anyone tries to get in our way... we... we, the Ghost Horde, will destroy their entire civilization." the Dusknoir said in a very strange, eerie voice.

"If you want to destroy our clan," I told them, "then you have to get through US!"

"Fine then... be that way."

The battle was on! The Weavile used Night Slash on Zap, making him fly a few feet before landing on an Electabuzz. Before I could react, I had a Shadow Sneak from Dusknoir smash me into the ground, back-first.

I immeadiatly had Weavile pointing it's deadly, sharpened claws at me, one at my neck, the other at my belly. I looked over to Zap, but he had Froslass over him, ready to freeze him to death.

The Dusknoir spoke again. "Ha ha ha... you actually thought that you could defeat us? Such fools. You could have been great minions... but oh well. Weavile, Froslass," The Weavile readied his claws, but there was a slight rustling in the trees. "Are you ready? Then go, kill---"

Before he could give the final command, a Pokemon flew out of the foliage and rammed Dusknoir into the ground. "You FOOL! I told you, I wanted them all alive!" Then the new Pokemon shot a dark laser out of his hands at the Weavile and Froslass, who both flew back against the Cliffside. "I will leave you alive for now, but go before I change my mind."

The Night Horde left the scene.

The new Pokemon spoke again. "Get up. NOW." We both got up immediatly. The Pokemon surveyed us. "I am Zoroark, and I spared you now, but I will get you back." Then Zoroark ran off.

Just the thought of them brought me shivers down my spine, and it made me paranoid.

Just then, I heard a noise atop the Cliffside. I turned to face it, but I couldn't see anything. So, I returned to facing the main camp entrance.

A few minutes later, I heard a voice behind me. "Heh heh heh... we meet again..."

Chapter 1 END

KTHXBAI!
 
RE: Extra Voltage: The Chronicles of the Thunder Strike Clan

I just skimmed through the first chapter this time around, but for a first Pokemon fic, I have to say it looks pretty impressive. Most first-time Pokemon writers don't even try and write this much, at least going off a lot of the fics I used to read on other sites (I haven't been doing as much critiquing here, at least not like I used to, so I might be just a little rusty...). Something I might suggest is cutting down the title to just Extra Voltage. From my experience, it's usually bad luck to have a title more than two or three words long (at least in the subject of your thread; right in the beginning of your first post is fine, if you want to give your audience some kind of idea how it connects to your story or what your story's about).
 
RE: Extra Voltage: The Chronicles of the Thunder Strike Clan

Once you've finished doing this Fanfic there is so many other things you can do with the whole clan of a particular type thing.
I think it's really well thought out, Congratulations.
Hope to see the next chapter soon :)
 
RE: Extra Voltage: The Chronicles of the Thunder Strike Clan

@both of you Thanks for the encouragment! *changes title* will start working on the next chapter asap, but i have school until the 27th (thursday) so i wont be able to type as much until then.
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 1 is done!

I like it, I amn't one to find errors, so it looks to me. I think it could use more detail, but other than that it is very interesting and I hope to continue reading it through the other chapters to come, I cannot wait for chapter two.
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 1 is done!

Chapter 2

I spun around at a high speed. Sure enough, the Night Horde was back. I prepared to let out a huge roar to wake everyone up, but the Froslass Ice Beamed my mouth closed before I could say anything, but, she didn't freeze my nose, to let me breathe.

"Great, there goes Crunch, my best move on about half of their team." I thought angrily. I started to let loose many Thunderbolt attacks, but it didn't help at all. It just drained away my strength.

Then, the Weavile spoke in a scratchy, quick voice. "Hey, boss, this guy didn't have these yellow marks on his head and legs before. "

Dusknoir replied, "I know. Remember when I left when the sun was setting? I was spying on Volt, this guy right here. He is now... Head Warrior. Now, Froslass, take him back to camp."

I couldn't do anything fast enough, because the Froslass immediatly put me in a energy sphere, which could have been Protect, and moved the unbreakable bubble through the air with Psychic. Even if my lips unfroze, no one would be able to hear me while I was inside the protective sphere, but somehow, I could hear sound coming in.

After a long period of time spent by moving, we arrived at a spooky cave with, what seemed like rocky fangs, hanging from the roof. With the distant, echoey drip of water pelting the ground, we moved forward into the cave, while I was still inside the invincible floating bubble. I had grown tired of being in the sphere, so I layed down, and tried to take a nap, but before I knew it, I was in a bigger cave area that was lit by torches. As I looked around the room, I saw many evil looking Pokemon, but one stood out from the rest. Zoroark.

Zoroark howled loudly. His howl was menacing, and seemed to just have evil lurking in the very soul of the noise. His heart must have been made of the very fibers of darkness itself. As soon as he howled, the entire cave quieted, and there was only the ever distant sound of water dripping from the ceiling.

Zoroark had a voice of great pursuasiveness and a certain flare of energy that stirred up the air around him, but not in a good way. "Tonight, we have brought a guest. A guest that shall help us start our first part of ruling the world. He-" Zoroark pointed to me with his razor sharp claws, then continued to speak, "-is a top member in the Thunder Strike Clan. Tonight, he was made a Head Warrior by his clan, and I hope to take his spot in the clan by doing this."

He suddenly started to make his own body a blurry image, which eventually turned a pitch black. The black figure slowly transformed from the outline of him to the outline of a Luxray. When the darkness in the silhouette faded, there was an exact copy of me standing several feet away from the ball of protection that I was still in.

Zoroark continued his long speech. He even sounded exactly like me. "Now, I shall rid the Thunder Strike Clan from Volt the Luxray, and send the clan spiraling into a doom that only I could imagine!" Everyone let out an encouraging roar.

"Now, I must go so that I can use my plan correctly. Good bye."

As Zoroark left the cave alone, all was dead silent. The farther he went away, the more quiet talking started. When his estimated time to get to the mouth of the cave was up, the cave exploded with conversations. Then the Froslass came over to me and spoke in a voice that was similar to Dusknoir's, but had a small bit of sweetness to it.

"If I let you out of this bubble, you must promise to behave. Don't even try to run away, as we will get you. If you stay calm, then we will feed you, but we won't let you go. Understand?" I nodded my head. "Good," she said as she removed the force field from around me. Although I was a bit hurt from the small drop, it was still great to get back onto the floor. Before I could say thanks, she had probably, quite literally, dissapeared.

As I tested my legs out on this rocky floor, a Spiritomb bounced over to me and told me in a somewhat cheerful and graceful voice, unlike most of the Night Horde, "Hello there, I am Spiritomb, the best healer and watcher in the Night Horde. Please, come with me." I was a bit confused at the sudden arrival, of this Pokemon, but I followed it's orders, because it didn't seem evil.

Spiritomb lead me into a smaller, but a completely empty cave, that was also much quieter and lit with torches. I loved it in here, except for one thing. The smell of Zubat feces in the corner.

Once again, Spiritomb spoke. "This is the Watcher's Cave. It is where you can sometimes get prophocies, and even see the future, if you have some sort of way to contact the ancestors."

"Ancestors?" I thought. "They actually have ancestors? How do ghosts have ancestors?"

"Yes, we do have ancestors. And yes, I can read your mind. I don't really know how Ghost Pokemon get ancestors, but I think that they just choose their time to go bye-bye, if you know what I mean." I nodded. "Now, the reason Zoroark sent me to you is because of my special ability. I can basicly make you see out of any Pokemon's eyes in the world. Zoroark instructed me to make you see out of his eyes, but also said that you do not have to if you do not want to."

I wasn't sure what to do. Watch my clan be destroyed by Zoroark, or have everything become a surprise once it is told to me. "I wonder if Spiritomb could make something where I could see through Zoroark's eyes if I went into a centain area, but no one else could enter the area..."

"I can probably do that," Spiritomb said as a reply to my thoughts.

"Okay, cool. I'll just head out into the main cave while you're doing that."

About an hour later filled with getting to know the Pokemon, their traits, and who seemed like a good temporary friend, Spiritomb came back out of the small cave and hit me on the back. This startled me.

"Woah!" Then I turned around. "Oh, it's only you. Did you get the, uhhh, thing set up?"

"Yes, I did. And try to call it the Alternate Eye Viewer, or A.E.V. for short. Now please, come with me."

"Okay." So, I followed Spiritomb into the smaller cave. In there, there was a wide, purple and pink circle on the floor. It looked like the colors were constantly shifting around eachother, and there was so much movement that the circle actually looked alive.

"Is there a certain way to use this?" I asked.

"All you need to do is lay down inside the circle." So, I did exactly that.

An instant wave of doziness fell over me like a warm blanket, and almost instantly I fell asleep.

I seemed to have woke up, but instead of a cave surrounding, I was in the Thunder Cliffs area, still guarding the entrance. The sun was just about to rise, and the air was fresh. I forced myself to walk, but I didn't. "Why won't my body move?" I wondered to myself.

Then it hit me. I forgot that I was in Zoroark's body. "Well this stinks. Oh well."

Then Leader Raikou walked over to, uhhh, Zoroark, who still looked like me. "I see that you have guarded the camp all night." Leader Raikou said.

"Yup, I did." Zoroark replied back to him. "I'm really hungry though..."

"Well you can have some food from the pile. Now, I must wake up the co-leaders."

"Okay, bye" Zoroark said as Leader Raikou walked away.

I, or rather he, walked over to the food pile and took two large apple, and filled up his belly with them.

As the day went on, various Pokemon congradulated him on what I should have earned. Eventually, Ampharos went out into the forest alone to go and get more food, and Zoroark followed.

Zoroark leaped up into a tree with ease, and was hopping from branch to branch, silently following the co-leader. As Ampharos went into the tree clearing, Zoroark readied my body to pounce, probably hoping to murder Ampharos. "NO!" I thought, but I didn't think that Zoroark could even hear me.

As Ampharos slowly turned his back, Zoroark leaped out of the tree, and with a vicious roar, he hit Ampharos' back.

Chapter 2 END

KTHXBAI!
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Again I love it a couple of misplaced words you should read over it again.

I thought you were going to pm me when this chapter was up. :p
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Oh, oops, sorry about that. But what do you mean by "Misplaced words?"
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 1 is done!

Hatman said:
Chapter 2

"Yes, we do have ancestors. And yes, I can read your mind. I don't really know how Ghost Pokemon get ancestors, but I think that they just choose their time to go bye-bye, if you know what I mean." I nodded. "Now, the reason Zoroark sent me to you is because of my special ability. I can basicly make you see out of any Pokemon's eyes in the world. Zoroark instructed me to make you see out of his eyes, but also said that you doesn't have to if you doesn't want to."


Chapter 2 END

doesn't probably should be don't and I've forgotten if there is any more
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Are you sure you are seeing this correctly? none of the words you listed were in the paragraph, and even if you planned it that way, what point were you trying to make?

(I said that in a somewhat cheerful voice, I don't wanna start a fight)

And also, how do you link to like, halfway down the page?
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Yeah, I didn't see that either when I read through earlier, MewtwoFTW. Perhaps I missed something, but Hatman's grammar and mechanics seem relatively fine. But again, I haven't done any really serious critiquing in a while, so I might be a little rusty...and perhaps a bit lazy... I may come back with something more thorough later on, but for now I have to say this is going pretty good.
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

I put the words in bold now :).

and i quoted the whole thing and deleted most of it.
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

DANGER, DANGER!
HIGH VOLTAGE!

Story's pretty good. Grammar could, as others have said, use a lot of touching up, but I'll still be reading this.
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Ah, dang it! I was doing the draft, late at night, got most of the way done, but X'd out of the forums without saving... I feel depressed now...
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

^ That's why you write on Word or some other sort of saveable application, bro. Take it from someone that knows better from roleplaying.

Anyways, I'll be getting around to this eventually. Still have a lot of things to read and review you know ;0
 
RE: Extra Voltage Chapter 2 is done! YAY!

Crystal Hikara said:
^ That's why you write on Word or some other sort of saveable application, bro. Take it from someone that knows better from roleplaying.

Anyways, I'll be getting around to this eventually. Still have a lot of things to read and review you know ;0
Uhhh, the drafts are saveable, but I get what you mean. But sadly, I don't have Word on this...

I'll go work on chapter 3 now...
 
You disappoints me in the same way Anthony Horowitz disappoints me in the sense he won't say when the next book is due out.


Write quicker please.:')
 
Back
Top