Writing "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 5 is up. Short, but completed.

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RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 1 and 2 is up! Working on chapter 3...

Chapter 3



It was a cold dewy Saturday morning just south of Floaroma City. The sun was just starting to creep over the horizon filling the dark sky in a beautiful red and orange glow. Pokemon of the night were settling into their nests for the daylight hours after a night of activity and hunting, and the sound of a Starly’s chirp could be heard all over the trails.
The early morning was soon disturbed by the sound of heavy footsteps and machinery.
It was about 6:05 AM when the sound of truck could be heard cruising up the road.

“Mars, why do we have to do this now?” complains one of the Galactic Grunts in the Truck.

“Because Cyrus is the boss and told us to. Quit your moaning. Your getting paid to do the things you do. Or if you like, I can inform Lord Cyrus of your…discomfort and he can relive you of your place here.” Said Mars with a grin.

“Err, No! Not at all. I’m just saying, who likes getting up this early? Mars, you cant honestly say you like it.”

“….I do what Cyrus requires.” She replies after a pause.

The truck comes to a halt just before a fork in the road. The path to the left going up into the hills, while the path to the right continues into Floaroma City.
After a pause, the truck turns onto the left road and continues on.

“Mars, what makes you sure we can find a Shaymin here? I mean, aren’t they supposed to be legendary?” Inquires the female grunt.

“Ha ha, because. We have bait.” Said Mars grinning again as she stops the truck in front of a field of flowers. The early morning sun shined brightly on the pretty pink and red flowers that covered an area as large as a football field.

“Mars, are those…?”

“Gracidia Flower? Yes. Wild Shaymin are attracted to these flowers. And based on Cyrus’s data, there should be at least one shaymin that shows up here today, or rather this morning.”

“So I guess now we wait.” The grunt adds.

“Well, your first statement that isn’t a question.” She says with a laugh.

Grabbing an odd gray colored pokeball from her waist, Mars walks to the back of the truck and sits down.
The female grunt looks at it and starts to open her mouth before deciding against it.
Why ask when I will probably find out soon enough…everyone thinks us newbies are really dumb. Humph.
To their good fortune, it was only about hour before a soft beeping emitted from the driver’s seat of the truck.
Without a word, Mars stood up, walked to the drivers seat and silences the beeping.
Mars then presses the small circular button on the front of the gray pokeball and it grows to full size revealing two red oval shapes, one on each side. She presses the button a second time and holds it up, aiming it at the field of flowers. The red ovals on it start to flash at a steady rate. After a few seconds, the pokeball makes a loud “BEEP” and Mars throws it up into the air.

“This is a little invention of Doctor Charon. It’s called a Galactic Ball. And before you ask, I’ll explain how it works. Or rather, first lets watch how it works.” Mars said as the Galactic Ball springs into action.

At the peak of the throw, the ball turns to the side and shoots toward the ground. After a moment, it reappears above the flowers and opens wide. A blob of red transparent energy is seen being pulled into the ball and the ball then closes around the energy and falls to the ground lifelessly.

Mars walks over and retrieves the ball.
“Any questions?”

“Nope, the demonstration was clear enough.”

“Good.” Mars said and reaches for her phone. She hits speed dial 1: Cyrus.

“What is it Mars? Tell me you have good news.”

“Yes Cyrus, I do. We have secured a shaymin.”

“Excellent. Return to base immediately.” And the phone clicks off.








(Galactic HQ)

Meanwhile in the basement of the Galactic HQ, Charon was hard at work making the modifications to the Distortion Ray to accommodate the soon to be new addition.
“Okay, this part goes here!” He says out loud despite no one being in the room other then his lab assistant Rotom. The places a large panel piece onto the machine and with a power tool, secures it.
“I connect the primary power cable here.” Grabbing a large thick tube and cable, Charon feeds it into part of the base and walks around to the other side where he connects it to the Ray.
“Almost done!” He says happily.
Getting excited, Rotom darts around the room with glee only to be stopped by the far south wall.
“Rotom!” Charon shouts suddenly.
“…You’re breaking my concentration.”

Charon was really an odd man. He was brilliant as a scientist, but crazy in the head for anything else. The first thing you notice about him is his awful stench. The last time he took a shower was on his last birthday. The trouble with that is he is now sixty-seven years old but stopped keeping track of his age at fifty.
The other noticeable trait to this odd man was his tendency to speak when he works. Nine times out of ten, there is no one around. Usually the only living thing around is his Rotom, yet he never talks to it.

As he finishes putting the last part onto the Ray, the lab phone rings.
Knowing better then to let it ring more then three times, he quickly rushes to it and answers.
“Cyrus.” He said matter of fatly.

“Wait, what? …Damn you Charon! I told you not to answer me like that! Oh never mind. Is the machine ready?” Said Cyrus now very irritated.

“Hm, yes it is. Although I have some concerns as to its stability.” Charon said in a preoccupied tone.

“I don’t care, as long as it works. I have the nanobot serum you made a while back ready to go when we move into phase 3. I just need you to get me into the Distortion World in one piece.” Click…



A few minutes later, the blast doors to the lab opens and Cyrus himself along with Mars, Saturn, and Jupiter enter the room with their usual happy smug look.

“So this is the Distortion Ray? It looks like a toy.” Remarked Mars.

“T- T- TOY!? Have you lost your mind!? This is the farthest thing from a toy! This baby has the power to fulfill Cyrus’s ultimate goal!” Stuttered Charon in fury from the insult to his precious machine.

“Look, who cares what it is… Lets just do what needs to be done!” Orders Jupiter.

“Right, right.” Said Charon calming down now. “Okay, bring me the Shaymin.” Charon said as he approached a large hollow crystal prism.

Cyrus steps forward and holds out his hand; in it is the gray Galactic Ball.

“Thank you sir.” Charon said and holds the ball up to a special marking on the prism.

The pokeball and prism start to glow, and then the light fades quickly.

“Complete. The Shaymin is safely secure inside the prism.” Charon picks up the prism in both hands and carries it over to an empty spot on the side of the Distortion Ray, and slides the prism into place.

“Cyrus, you forwarded to me the record of the Shaymin/Giritina incident from a few years ago. I looked it over and found that from back then, Giritina was able to leave the distortion world after a Shaymin had used Seed Flare to break an opening into the dimensional barrier. The energy released from Shaymin’s attack is like positive energy.
That positive energy was able to allow travel FROM the Distortion World back to the Real World. So, then in theory, if we reverse the energy from positive to negative, the results will be the same only in reverse.” Explained Charon.

“So your saying, reverse the energy thingy and it will open a path FROM the Real World into the Distortion World?” Said Jupiter confused.

“Precisely!” Exclaimed Charon again. “And this machine is built to do just that.”

Charon power up the machine and inserts a special card key into a slot on the panel.

“Machine is powered up and ready to go.”

“Wait, how are you going to make shaymin use Seed Flare?”

“Ah, very good question Saturn. I observed from the file that Shaymin don’t like polluted air or environments. They clean the air by absorbing the toxins or pollutants into their body. Then, they release a burst of power or energy we know as Seed Flare. So to promote this attack, we will stimulate its instincts by pumping the prism with a small amount of non lethal gas.”

Charon flicks a small switch and a low quantity of gas fills the prism. A few moments later the computer monitor reads high energy levels.

“Shaymin has used Seed Flare, the machine is holding that energy to be converted into negative energy.”

He hits another switch.

“Firing now.”

The barrel of the Ray fires a huge beam of swirling energy a pathetic 10 feet where it swirls around some more seems to fade away as a failed attempt.

However after a few moments, the space where the energy had disappeared is violently ripped open revealing a portal, a rip in time and space.

“Success!!! Cyrus, I give you the doorway to the Distortion World.”


 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

(Fate, eh? Gee, I wonder where you got that name. :p)

Hm... I feel this is slightly fast paced, as the other main characters have so little time to develop while most of the focus is on the Galactic organization. Is there a key reason for this? Other that that, it's decent, and I'd have to be alot more picky (and trust me, you do NOT want me to go there. I'd never shut up.) to provide more helpful adive on writing.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

Haha nice.

Yeah, Im finding the fast pace part kinda problematic myself. Im finding it easier to do a good job on team galactic then the main characters. Im trying to find somthing good and worth while for them. I find it too boring to just write about them catching a pokemon or saving a trainer...

Whats wrong with the name Fate? Hmmm? Is someone else using it?
You must know somthing I dont.

Either way, thank you.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

O_O"
You don't know who Fate is? I suggest you try to figure out the name of the anime character on your avatar.

Well, if they're the main characters, you gotta find something to do with them. :p
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

Zyflair said:
O_O"
You don't know who Fate is? I suggest you try to figure out the name of the anime character on your avatar.

Well, if they're the main characters, you gotta find something to do with them. :p



OH! Duh.... Im very slow today.... lol

Yeah, sure. Why not? She is the coolest anime character ever!
Well, next to Kallen from Code Geass.
I take it you've seen that show before then? Cause season 3 is absolutely amazing.

Im VERY bad at thinking up names, so I just pull names from characters i like. Names are names. Theres no copy right for this.

And yeah, I have to do somthing next chapter for them. Next chapter will be focused on them.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

Haha, ok. I'll see you at the next chapter.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 3 is posted! Come read this please!

Im just posting to keep the thread alive until I finish the next chapter.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 in the works.

Chapter 4



“Finally! That took way too long to reach town!” complains Akira.

Our hero’s Akira and Fate had just arrived at Pastoria City, home to the famous Great Marsh.

“So Fate, I hear the Great Marsh is really cool. We should go check it out.”

“Yeah, lets go do that later.” She mumbles.

Their walk into town is interrupted by a truck that speeds past, almost running them down.

“What the heck was that about!?” Fate shouts at the truck.
The passenger in the truck looks out the window and back at them.

“!!! That’s a member of that Team Galactic!” Akira said.
“They were the ones after Cresselia. What are they doing here now? Maybe there is something big in the area….”

“Well then Akira lets follow them!”

“Yeah.” She says with a nod.




(Inside the Truck)

“I can’t believe Cyrus wants us to catch the roaming legendary pokemon. They are legendary for a reason. Does he really think its that easy to just walk up to them and capture them?” The grunt driver complains.

“Oh stop your whining!” The female passenger snaps. “We are getting paid well to do these tasks. Besides, the more time we spend away from HQ, the less we hear Cyrus yelling.”

“Good point. That man is the walking devil when ticked off. Well lucky for us we have already found and captured that Mesprit pokemon.”




After a few minutes of running, Akira and Fate stop to catch their breath.

“This isn’t the best option. We can’t possibly catch a moving vehicle on foot. Well we could if we had a Rapidash,” Said Fate.

“Agreed, we ne-“
She is interrupted by the pokeball on her hip suddenly opening in a flash of light.

“Ammph!!” Said the Ampharos that appeared before them.

”Ampharos? You tired of being in your ball again?” Akira asks with a sweet smile.

The Ampharos nods happily.

“Okay, you can be out. Wait! That’s it. Go Flygon!” She calls out and holds up another pokeball. The large green dragon pokemon appears before them as well staying aloft on its large green and red wings.
“Flygon, we need your help. There was a large gray truck that passed through town going that direction.” She says pointing to the east side of town. “We need you to try and spot them. Keep track of where they are going.”

Flygon nods and takes off into the air.

Knowing the general direction of the truck, the two of them continue to follow.




A few miles northeast of town, the truck pulls to a stop at none other then Lake Valor.

“So this is where Azelf is. Azelf; The Willpower pokemon. Hmm…”

“Alright, lets get set up!”



It wasn’t long before Flygon returned to them with info.

“Rrraaahhh,” it said.

“You found where they are? Great. Lead us there.” Akira said.

Since the time of birth, Akira had always been able to understand pokemon somewhat.
This was no exception.

It didn’t take long before the Lakefront was in view. But to their surprise, a battle had broken out.


“Bronzong, use Hyper Beam now!” Shouts a grunt.

The large bulky tin can looking pokemon holds its flat arms in front of it and charges energy, moments later releasing the energy as a powerful destructive beam.

“Sceptile dodge it and use Bullet Seed!” yells a young male trainer.

The large green lizard looking pokemon leaps up into the air and opens its mouth firing a stream of seed like projectiles at the enemy pokemon.

“Bronzong, Light Screen now!”

“Brrrronnggggg,” said the pokemon, its voice sounding low and eerie.
The pokemon holds it arms wide and a wall of yellow energy deflects the bullet seed.

“No way!” the boy shouts in disbelief. “Alright then Sceptile, lets hit him with Leaf Blade!”

“Scep, tile!!!” and the leafs on the pokemon’s arm light up and extend into large swords.

“Bronzong use Reflect!”

But the heavy steel pokemon was too slow this time. The large swords like leaves slam it in the face, knocking it backwards.

“Nice job Sceptile!”

But then the pokemon retaliates with a Hyper Beam attack scoring big time.

“What the!? How is it able to shake of that attack so easy?” the trainer says in a worried voice.

“Ash! Bronzong is a steel type pokemon! Grass attacks wont work too well!” Shouts another trainer from the side.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before Brock!?”

“I thought you new and had a plan!” He yells back.

“Oh, well, I better think of one then!” Ash said.

“Too bad you wont have time to do that kid! Bronzong, Flash Cannon!”
The pokemon begins to collect lots of bright light in one spot and ready the attack.

“Sceptile….”

“Bronzong! FIRE!”

“Go Ampharos! Quick Attack!”

Right as the Bronzong fires its powerful beam; the Ampharos hits it in the side sending the beam off a little to the right, completely missing Sceptile.

“What the!? Where did that pokemon come from!?” Shouts the grunt in rage.

Ash, Brock and the Grunt look over to the side as Akira and Fate come running over.
They stop about ten feet from the others and look at what’s happening.

“So it is you, Team Galactic. What are you guys doing here?” Fate asks them.

“None of your concern kid. Just like these two brats here, you will soon pay for you interference.”

Fate looks at Ash; “So what’s happening here?”

“These creeps are trying to capture the legendary pokemon Azelf that lives in the Cave of Lake Valor.”

“That’s just like the other day, they were after Cresselia-“ Akira started to say.

“Yeah, that’s right, and we owe you some payback for that. Bronzong, Psybeam!”

“Bbbbrrrrrong!”

The pokemon fires a colorful blast of energy at Akira’s Ampharos.

“Hey! Your name is Ash right? Well, how about we tag team this guy? Ampharos dodge now and use Iron Tail!”

Ampharos nods and bolts forward towards the attack. Right as he is about to collide with the attack, he leans to the right just enough to avoid the attack.

Amazing! To dodge an attack with such little movement is very impressive. Brock thought.
Ash nods and orders Sceptile to use quick attack.

Ampharos continues its charge at the Bronzong, as its tail turns bright with a white light.

“Bronzong! Reflect now!”

“Jump and continue Iron Tail!” Akira orders.

As the clear barrier appears before Bronzong, Ampharos jumps up and over the pokemon, landing behind it. The moment Ampharos’s feet touch the ground, he spins around slamming its now rock hard tail into Bronzong’s back. Bronzong’s Reflect disappears.

“NOW Ash!”

“Okay Sceptile! Leaf Blade!”

“Ssceptile!!!” His pokemon says and slams its blades into Bronzong’s face.

“WHAT!? NO WAY!!!” By this point, the grunt was very furious and ready to get evil.

As Bronzong struggles back to its feet, the grunts partner appears from the lakes edge.

“What the heck is going on out here? Your letting a bunch of kids stops you? What a shame.”

He walks over to the truck and looks back at the rest of us. He holds out his hand revealing a strange dark pokeball.

“We got what we came for; Azelf. We will be leaving now. You can try and follow us if you like, but be warned, or leader will show you no mercy.”

“Bronzong Explosion!” Shouts the other grunt.

“Ampharos! Get back!” Akira yells.

“Sceptile you too!” Shouts Ash as well.

Barley a second after they voiced the command, does the large steel pokemon release a powerful burst of destructive energy known only as Explosion. A cloud of smoke fills the area making sight impossible.

When the smoke clears, the four of them are left standing there with no truck in sight.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

Good, but that chapter seemed rushed.
And thanks to someone who finally brought Ash into their story, without following him the whole time!
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

LOLz. Thanks.

Yeah, I thought it would be cool to bring him into this, but he is not the main character and as such, he is not the focus.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

Yes. People seem to have trouble using him as a secondary character.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

Im just kinda bumping this. Im still working on the next chapter...
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

I enjoy the story. Don't take too long writing the story.
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 4 is POSTED

Yeah, I know. Lately ive been kinda distracted from writing.

If I dont continue really soon, I may lose my train of thought. And I had some really cool Ideas.

EDIT: Oh, eevee, I meant to ask you but, did you notice any "major" mistakes, or grammer errors I should worry about for the next chapter???
 
RE: "Cyrus's Revenge" Pokemon Fanfic Chapter 5 is coming slowly....

Okay, at long last I have a chapter 5!
Its short in comparison to my other chapters, but im in that boring transition phase from beginning to awesome and it came out as short.

Note: Im gonna have to wing it (however that goes) on the next part of chapter 6. But dont worry, it will get really good again folks. I dont want to lose your support until Im actually done.

Here we are:


Chapter 5




Team Galactic HQ Basement:

“At last! Success is within my grasp.” Looking very pleased, Cyrus turns to the others who were in the room.

”Mars, Saturn, prepare yourselves. We leave ASAP.”

Just as they were about to leave the room, the Distortion Ray begins to hiss. Charron turns about just in time to get nailed in the fore head by a machine screw.

“Aah!” he shouted in pain and nearly falls.

“What’s happening!?” Cyrus shouted.

“Si-“ Charron started to say, but was cut off as the Ray powers down with a small explosion.

“Well sir, it seems the ray over heated and as you can see, malfunctioned.”

“WHAT!? WELL FIX IT!!!” Cyrus roared.

“R-right away sir.” Charron said nervously and began to franticly examine the machine from top to bottom.

My patience runs thin. What does it take to succeed at world domination? Must I be challenged on every single step of the journey? …No matter, soon enough, I will reign supreme! He thinks to himself and leaves the room.

After the door closed and everyone else was out of earshot, Charron lets out a sigh of relief.
“That was close.” He muttered.

A strange electrical ghost sound filled the room as Charron’s Rotom appeared behind him coming out from the inside of a toolbox. With another ghostly sound, Rotom said something that translated to;
“Cyrus….is….scary. I don’t….like him…”

“Neither do I my friend, neither do I.”

……

(10:23 PM) (6 hours later)

Cyrus was up in his office, the curtains drawn shut and the lights off. The only light to illuminate the room was the glow of the warm fire in the corner. The remains of what use to be a coffee mug still remained scattered on the floor next to his desk. Cyrus himself was surprised, he was in a good mood actually and as he paced the floor of his dark cavern like office, his mood only got better. This good mood was short lived because just then the phone rang and the sudden noise snapped him back into his normal cynical self.

Picking up the phone with a look of annoyance in his eyes he listens to what the voice had to say.

“Its ready you say? Good. …What? A problem!? We need to go where!? Fine, pack up and be ready to transport in the morning.” And with a click, hangs up the phone.





(back with our main hero’s)

“What is it with those guys? They seem to be plotting something bigger then just capture legendary pokemon. Hmm… Oh! Sorry, I’m Akira.” She said turning her attention to the other trainers.
“And this is Fate.” She added.

“Hi, I’m Ash, from Pallet Town. This is my partner Pikachu. And this is Brock.”

“Pika!”

“Hi there.” Said Brock.

“Ash and I are on our way up north to Celestic Town. Want to come along?”

Akira glances at Fate who gives a subtle nod.

”Sure, lets go. Besides, you two look fun to hang around.” Said Akira teasingly.

 
I know you realize it's short, but that really is too short. Too little plot development took place; only three 'trite' events happened, and none of them were actually elaborated. What you could should have done is to take these seperate events and make them seperate chapters. A story is built of units of events. Broken units/events mean a broken story. The writer at hand must be sure to concentrate on each unit with care, rather than glancing over several of them just to get to the "good stuff." Avoid rushing through plot development, no matter how boring it is.
 
Yeah, I know.... but as I said, I have a LONG detailed plot planned out. Im not a great writer, so this boring middle part was hard for me. But I will make up for it in the later chapters.
 
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