Writing 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~ If you read it, please post.

safariblade

safariblade

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'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock'



Intro - Read First
Before reading this, just keep in mind that the chapters are frequent and really short. REALLY short. I find it hard to keep attention to long chapters, and I myself also find it more fun to simply update more frequently. I understand that this violates Rule 1 of the Writing Corner Rules and Guidelines, but pleas give this a chance. I will update this twice weekly if not more with solid content that will keep this thread fresh.

With that, The story begins.



Chapter One
Deep in the depths of Kanto...in a magical place called Viridian City... a figure crouches in the shrubs. He peers over the leaves into the glossy glass doors of the Pokemon Center. To most newbie Pokemon trainers passing by this common landmark, its just another Pokemon Center. Trainers go in, night and day to care for their injured Pokemon. But today it is different. Today it is a journey much different from most trainers. Today it is a journey backed not by the thrill of a Pokemon battle, but a journey fueled by the passion of love.

The figure reaches into his pocket and produses a simple, smudged PokeBall. He opens it relatively silently and out pops a quite grumpy looking Geodude.

"Alright Geodude, you can do this! Sneak in there for me!"

"Geodude."

"Please!?!"

"Geodude."

-_-
Discouraged and rejected by his own Pokemon, the young man venturs onwards through the bushes alone. Some trainers look towards him curiously when passing into the center. Could they see him!? No. They must have been simply admiring the beautifully pampered bushes. That must be it. The young man continued his squatted approach.

"Just one peek.."

The whole plan was just genius. Sneak to the front of the automated and lit glass doors of a 24-hour center in broad daylight and 'peek' through. No one would notice. It was flawless.

The young man continues. He then amazingly (yes amazingly) trips on the only rock in sight.

"Ughh!"

"Geodude." - nice one Geodude.

The glass doors of the Pokemon Center shatter from the impact of the young man's head. They shatter like the fragile dreams of a young Gym Leader and his search for love.

They shatter like his heart when he sees a perfectly PO'd Nurse Joy standing over him, arms folded.

"This is the third time this week, Brock!"

brock-in-love.jpg




Chapter Two
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock'

I know it's tough to write long chapters, but this won't be able to go for very long if it doesn't.

Here are some tips.

Add some description
Maybe there is a way that Brock's face looks when he is sneaking around that is humorous for your audience. Maybe you could add some description of Geodude's face rather than an emoticon.

Have leading events
Maybe you could add some more obstacles to Brock getting to the PokeCenter in stealth-mode. Maybe a cop could smack him around for a bit. Maybe a kid could stop ad ask what he was doing. Maybe Brock and Joy could argue for a while(or you could save that for next chapter).

Describe scenery
What sort of buildings are there in Viridian City? Want to tell the audience about the ghost story rumors? Have some foreshadowing?


This has some amazing potential, and you're doing great with plot and grammar. Just make it longer, so that people won't nag you about not making the limit.
:D
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~

I'll allow it on a trial basis since you did note that these chapters were going to be short (as per the new leeway policy). Just know that I might be back to close this if you don't post more than one chapter at a time from here on out or don't show any signifcant improvement over the next few updates, safariblade.~Apollo

Edit: Before I forget, could you please get rid of your color tags? That brownish font just looks ridiculous...
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~

New chapter coming soon.
Thanks for the sorta positive feedback so far. I can write essays perfectly, but a restriction-free fanfic like this is all new to me. I plan on posting a larger chapter tonight and probably one every night after that. I hope that with me writing this and with critique from you guys, I will show some massive improvements to my newbie writing skills. =p
Keep the feedback coming and let me know if I do anything wrong or need to fix anything. Thanks!
EDIT: Oh, and should I post the chapters as I write them and link to the OP, or just edit them into the OP after chapter one? I've seen fanfics go both ways.
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~

Post links to later chapters in the original post, please. Anything else usually doesn't look that good, from my experience, not to mention it gets redundant to make links to the first post from a current chapter or both ways.
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~

Chapter Two

Brock trudged on through Viridian forest, heartbroken. It hadn't taken long for Nuse Joy to call up a window repair-man. After all, she had him on speed-dial by now. Brock tried to apologize, but when he looked at Joy, his words just didn't work. She had scolded him once more, and the sent him on his way. Tears welled up in his already closed eyes. He just wanted Nurse Joy to notice him, That was all. Geodude scooted behind him. Brock hadn't even bothered to return him to his PokeBall.

"Thanks a lot, Geodude."

"Geodude."

"Don't use that tone, Geodude. There was probably more than double the broken glass this time, and its all because you wouldn't help me!"

"Geodude."

Brock continued through the forest without even opening his eyes. This was for more than one reason, but mainly because he knew the forest by heart. He had been walking through Viridian Forrest since he was a boy running errands to the city for his father. Brock began to think back to when he first met Ash in Pewter City Gym. It was definitely good to visit home.

But for some reason, his mind always wandered back to Nurse Joy. Even though she looks exactly like her twins in every town, even Peter City, there was something different about Viridian's nurse. It must be her unique outfit.... No that can't be right. He had to know!

"Geodude! We have to investigate!"

"Geodude."

"Ok fine. Tomorrow. But for now, return to your ball."

The familiar flash of red light illuminated the surrounding trees. Brock stepped over a fallen limb and continued. It wasn't long before the dim lights of Pewter City shone through the silhouetted trees. Brock was just passing the small opening to Diglett's Cave when he remembered.

"Drat! I was supposed to meet Ash at my Dad's house before dark!"

Brock started to dash off when a familiar, commanding voice sounded from behind him.

"Hey you there! Halt!"

Brock stopped dead in his tracks from the demanding voice. His heart thumped. Could it be? He whirled around.

"Officer Jenny!"
 
RE: 'Brock' Rhymes With 'Rock' ~trial basis~

Much better with the description this time! :D

I only found one grammatical problem...

"don't use that tone, Geodude. There was probably more than double the broken glass this time, and its all because you wouldn't help me!"
Click to expand...

That should be capatalized.

My only suggestion beyond that is that maybe you could have added some more description on Jenny to give the reader a scence of scenery.
 
Love the story, great description and I cackled when I found out it was from BRock's point of view. Poor Brock, so in love with one girl and then another one walks by and then he's falling over her instead.
 
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