Considering you're only in the fifth grade, the fic itself wasn't so bad for starters. The only urgent issue was not having proper spacing for a post in the Writer's Corner. Most people who post there anyways expect some sort of helpful advice in terms of grammar/spelling problems that should be pointed out, and Yoshi was just trying to be helpful in my stead. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as some critiques I've recieved myself (and, trust me, people are far more cruel than here).
Frankly, I would urge you write it up again. However, I'd suggest doing it in a writing program (like Microsoft Word) on your computer if you have one on it. That way you'll have an off-the-Internet template to copy-and-paste from, as well as something to save your work on so you don't accidentally lose it all via deletion like you did.