Writing Within the Deep [Sci-Fi] [PG-13]

The Fire Wyrm

Aspiring Trainer
Member
I've been thinking about a story, so here's what I've got so far.

Within the Deep

I have seen a lot of creepy stuff lately, but nothing compared to this . . . Deep in the mines, there were deposits of copper and gold missing from their reserves in Mineshaft 5. Nobody knew how or why, but the only clue we had is that our iron was untouched, not an ounce missing.

“A lot of weird stuff has been hapnin’ in the mines down 'ere.” said Joel, our head miner for Mineshaft 5.

And it was true, but before it was only an ounce or so in the other mineshaft. There were much too little resources stolen to be noticed. So I grabbed a pickaxe, a hard hat, and a knife, and got to work. A few hours passed until I noticed a call for my name, a frantic call now that I think of it.

“Kyle! KYLE! KYLEEEEEE!”

I ran down there and saw nothing. Was this a prank? Was the guy just hiding behind a rock? It was definitely not, because when I walked over there I saw something. That something: the bloody remains of Joel Kraypell. I went over to investigate when I discovered something in his chest, it was like a dagger . . . no, more of a sword-like weapon. We took the body to the medic currently working in Mineshaft 5.

“Eyup, went right through the aorta. Would’ve been dead in like a couple of seconds.” said the medic.

“So what was he murdered . . .”

“Wait. This 'weapon' wasn't dragged or slashed across the body. It left a clean exit wound too. Whoever did this wanted him dead silently and quickly, and he or she knew where to hit him.” said the medic, interrupting in a serious voice.

Within a few minutes, we had another death.

“Now this one was a tricky one. 'Cuz he was wearing our protective padding. He or she whose
killin’ these people had to struggle a little to get this knife thing into their chest. See? Much
more blood than Joel,” said the medic.

I took the knife-like weapon and some armored vests.

“I need answers. I need to find who is killing these people,” I said.

“Dat makes the two of us,” someone said.

He walked out holding another body, not of a human but of a dog.

“Little guy stumbled in here. I was going to return him to his owner. Can’t do dat now. The name’s Ray. Ray Gallows,” he said in a mellow voice.

We both headed deep into the mines, fully equipped with food, tools, protective material, picks, first aid, and those weapons. Roughly five minutes in, we found a trap. Not in the good way . . .

“@#$%!” said Ray. “Something bit my foot!”

It was like a mouse trap, but the hinge had two fanglike spikes on it, both of which had impaled Ray’s foot. I grabbed the pliers and tried to remove them. I did, but it had crushed at least three of his toes. I wrapped it in gauze, injected it with numbing gel and gave him a hard cover for his boot so it did not happen again.

“We should take this for the medic to look at,” Ray said.

We mined some deposits of copper and iron on the way. We talked about our families back home in Sternville.

“I got a little girl. She’s 'bout six now. She means the world to me, like my wife Joanne,” said Ray.

He handed me a picture.

“I have two kids, both boys. They’re little troublemakers but I love 'em and my beautiful wife Alicia,” I said, handing him a picture of my family.

We kept walking until we found an abandoned mineshaft. I dusted off the minecart to see the ID.

“It’s from Mineshaft 1!” I said. “Or at least it used to be . . ."

We kept walking through the old mineshaft. Everything seemed fine until we heard a loud crash. We heard rocks tumble and crush each other. We ignored it until we see an opening in the floor. Light poured out of it. We looked down, and our jaws dropped in awe. There was a civilization of . . . monsters. We saw two of them walking into the town, holding those knife- like weapons . . .

. . . and a Mineshaft 5 Mining helmet

END OF CHAPTER 1
 

Aoki

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Fix the alignment of your story. I don't know all of the words were aligned to the left in the first place and it makes it hard to read, to be honest. However, it looks like that you got the basics of formatting down so I give you credit for that.

Once again, fix the alignment and I will be able to critique it better.

- Articuno
 

Luckyfire

Aspiring Trainer
Member
The first thing that I saw was terrible formatting. It seems like you're trying to make the paragraphs stick to the left, literally. :p Now I'll go to where the grammar mistakes are. My corrections are in bold.

I’ve been seeing a lot of creepy stuff lately, but nothing compared to this…
I'm not sure about this one. Its flow seems to be a little flawed, and I don't think I can correct it, sadly. :(

Nobody knew how or why, but the only clue we had is that our iron was untouched; not an ounce was missing.

“A lot of weird shtuff has been hapnin’ in the mines down 'ere. you need a comma here, not a period” said Joel, the headminer for Mineshaft 5.

A few hours passed until I noticed a call for my name; a frantic call now that I think of it.

That something was the bloody remains of Joel Kraypell. I went over to investigate when I discovered something in his chest, it was like a dagger…no, more like a sword weapon. We took the body to the medic person working in Mineshaft 5 at the moment.

I took the knife like weapon and some armored vests.
I noticed in several sentences that you said 'knife like' instead of just 'knife' or 'knife-like'. Try to refrain from creating that as a habit.

“I need answers, I will find out who is killing these people comma here” I said.
Also, this is a common mistake for many early writers; the sentence before an action ending with a period instead of a comma. Suppose a boy said a sentence that is supposed to end with a period, but does something afterwards. Replace the periods with the commas. :p

“I got a little girl. She’s bout’ six now. She means the world to me, like my wife Joanne” said Ray.
Put a comma or something to end the dialogue.

---

There were many mistakes in your story, most of them grammar errors. A few sentences like the above ended with nothing but a quote mark. Hopefully these won't appear in the next chapter.

I await your next chapter. ~Luckyfire
 

The Fire Wyrm

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Ah, okay.

Kinda new to story writing, but at least it wasn't that bad.
Google chrome also auto-corrects so it screws me over sometimes.
I took this from word so I understand how hard it is to read.
 
Top