Writing Windermere Secrets

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
Here, I'll post my new story!
NOTE: This is rated 12, due to gory, violent and scary scenes.
There is also sadness, love and near death experiences. And yes, it's based in the lake district, Cumbria, UK.



What I went through in those two weeks was nothing I ever hoped for; the dismay and anguish, the horror and suffering that leave me scarred for life until the day I die. Your life’s troubles are nothing compared to this, nothing compared to the very pain I suffer today. I want you to share my pain, to see how it feels to be the unlucky one, to be tortured by heartbreak and depression. My name is Kathy Brighyall, just at the simple age of 12. What was once a fun holiday turned out to be a nightmare of epic proportions...

The coach slowly stopped outside a large camp site where we were greeted by a vast landscape of the Lake District’s finest natural spectacle; mountains tower above lake Windermere, the clouds passing through them on the calm wind. I was staying here with quarter of the Year 8s (British school year group) for two weeks. We were staying here for a fun break, but only a few children could afford it. Teachers unloaded the bags and everyone got off, excitement and glee in their eyes. Me and my friend Bethany stood and stared out at the lake, amazed that this was really happening.

“Can you believe this, Kathy?” Bethany pulled out a camera and took snapshots of the lake and the boats.

“Yep. I can’t wait to see our tent!” I replied as the teachers ushered us towards the gate towards the camp site.

Me and Bethany followed the teachers with the rest of the group, happiness coursing through our veins. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

"Alright, everyone!” Mrs Edinall stood before us, her glasses reflecting the bright sunlight, "Girls, go to the right and you'll find your tents. Boys, go to the left."

"Go on, chop chop!" She added as she clapped her hands together as if we were slow and stupid.

Girls and boys both split up to their sides of the camp. We were closer to edge of the lake, so every morning when we look out of our tents, we'll see Windermere. Plus, we were closer to the toilets and showers, too.

"Alright girls, you can pick which ever tent you want to be in, with a maximum of four people. Be in bed by 9:00pm, and breakfast will be served at 9:30am. No girls in the boys' camp, understood? Good, we'll be eating in Bowness at 7:00, make sure you go with us to the boats!"
Mrs Edinall announced before letting us get on with our unpacking.

Our tents were actually quite big and spacious, more than I thought they would be. Me, Bethany and Erika all grabbed the largest tent before anyone else could. We were tent no. 12, the closest tent to the lake.

"I'm glad we're all here together, you guys", Erika said as she put her hands on our shoulders.

I nodded, then made my way up to where a large group of students were standing, staring at the mossy ground.

"Hey, what are you all looking at?" I asked as I peered behind a large shrub.

"I... think I'm gonna..." A girl ran passed me towards the toilets, her hands clasped around her mouth.

I edged around the bush, Bethany following behind.

"Kathy, Bethany, look!" Another girl, Emily, pointed towards the group of people standing in a circle.

I shrugged my shoulders as I looked at Bethany, who seemed a bit anxious. Pushing my way through all the girls, I started to notice an odd smell; like something rotting.

"Ergh, what's that smell?" Bethany pulled her top over her mouth and nose to mask the vile smell.

Eventually, we got to the middle. And, to be honest, I almost threw up. There, lying in the middle of the ground was the decaying, decapitated body of a child. Maggots and flies swarmed around it, eating away at the rotting flesh. I couldn't do anything but stare in disgust; seeing a dead body for the first time was a complete shock to me.

"Oh my god..." Bethany gasped as she pulled her top up higher.

"What did this? It's like she got attacked by a lion..." I said as I backed away from the body.

The child's neck was swollen with bacteria and maggots, the stomach bloated with disease.

"Hasn't anyone found it yet?" Erika asked me.

"Obviously not... I'm going to get a teacher." I walked back towards the tents, not looking back.

Did a person do this? Is the site safe? I didn't feel safe anymore, in fact, I became extremely insecure. Maybe the person who did this was going to murder us next...

I saw Mrs Edinall having a talk with Miss Lindley, sitting outside their tent, oblivious to the odd smell up the hill.

"Miss, Miss!!!" I shouted as I ran down the hill.

"What, Kathy?" Miss. Lindley asked soothingly, trying to calm me down.

"There's... a..." I tried to catch my breath, but didn't find any air.

"There's a what, Kathy?" Mrs Edinall said as she waited for me to breathe a little slower.

"Dead body" I gasped quickly.

The two teachers sat up, their eyes widened.

"Excuse me?" Mrs Edinall asked, confused and worried.

"There's a dead body. Up this hill" I pointed towards the thick bushes, a few girls running down, screaming.

The teachers followed me back up the hill, the rotting smell becoming strong again.
I lead them into the bushes, and towards the opening. Girls dispersed as we got closer, flies swarming around us as if we were light bulbs.

Mrs Edinall froze in her tracks as she saw the body. Miss Lindley looked at me with concern.

"Is... this for real?" Miss Lindley asked me.

I nodded slightly, a blank expression on my face.

Whatever was going on here, it was not good. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave this mess behind and it was only the first day.

Bethany's red hair stood up on end when she shouted over at us: "Come quick, there's another"!

Bethany beckoned me over with her hand flailing about in the air. I held my breath and climbed back up the hill.

Another one bit the dust. He was Male, about the age of five, down by a stream. Again, decapitated.That poor kid... torn from his life. Tears started to swell in my eyes, but I had to fight it as to not get embarrassed.

A few long hours later, we met up by the docks to go to Bowness for dinner. The lake was shimmering like glitter as it bathed in golden sun rays, it seemed so peaceful. But as we walked down, teachers were more alert and weary to their surroundings, and kept us packed tightly together like sardines in a tin. My neck was twitching quite vigorously as my feet pounded on the muddy path. I felt anxious and scared, not knowing who's going to be next to visit their ancestors.

As we edged deeper into the forest, a large, dark began to appear over the horizon - the distinct anvil headed cumulonimbus storm cloud. They towered over the distant mountains, growing in size by the minute. A low pitched rumble echoes across the lake, birds flying away to safety.

"Okay everyone, you must all stick together, or we won't be eating." Mr Kirke stared up at the gathering nimbus clouds as they moved slowly on the breeze.

Many people were still shocked from earlier on, so they went in the cars with some teachers. The rest of us walked through Ambleside towards the harbour at the edge of the lake. Yet the sky began to grow darker, the nimbus clouds darkened. It was abourt to rain, and it was unusually dark.

"Uh oh, looks like we'll have to run for it..." Bethany hated running, she gets stitch really easily.

A single raindrop fell from the almost blackened sky. Slowly, more rain fell, heavier and heavier by the minute.

"We have to go back! Mr Kirke and Miss Lindley, to the supermarket!" Mrs Edinall turned us all around, and we headed back.

Mr Kirke and Miss Lindley ran towards the bus stop, and lay low under the shelter. Now, the rain had calmed a bit, but it was still pretty heavy.
Everyone ran back frantically like there was no tomorrow, as our empty stomachs groaned in pain as it lust for food. My mouth was watering like the rain around me, my legs sprinting faster. The trees were a blur of abstract greens, browns and blacks, swishing by me as I picked up my pace to catch up with everyone.

We made it. Girls rushed into their tents for cover, changing from their wet clothes into clean, dry ones. The rain pattered on to the tents like hundreds of tiny feet were walking across it. But I didn't feel safe here. No one did, so the teachers had to sit outside our tents and keep watch until we were notified of when we were going back.
 

Aoki

Aspiring Trainer
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Hello there and welcome to the Writing Cafe!

After reading, this is quite good for starters. I see you already have learned the proper formatting of a story, as well as a thing or two about description. However, one thing that sort of makes this chapter fall short is the length. As the word count tool shows, you have a little under 500 words and the minimum requirement for stories and chapters are 1000 - 2000 words. Next time, ensure you have a least a thousand words. =]

Moving on, let's get to the nitty-gritty of the post:

What I went through in those two weeks was nothing I
ever hoped for; the dismay and anguish, the horror and suffering that leaves me scarred for life until the day I die. Your life’s troubles are nothing compared to this, nothing compared to the very pain I suffer today. I want you to share my pain, to see how it feels to be the unlucky one, to be tortured by heartbreak and depression. Then the story shall start on the very first day of the Windermere school trip...

The coach slowly stopped outside a large camp site where we were greeted by a vast landscape of the Lake District’s finest natural spectacle; mountains tower above lake Windermere, the clouds passing through them on the calm wind. I was staying here with quarter of the Year 8s for two weeks. We were staying here for a fun break, but only a few children could afford it.
Teachers unloaded the bags and everyone got off, excitement and glee in their eyes. Me and my friend Bethany stood and stared out at the lake, amazed that this was really happening.

I've detected a minor error there. It should look like this:

What I went through in those two weeks was nothing I ever hoped for; the dismay and anguish, the horror and suffering that leaves me scarred for life until the day I die. Your life’s troubles are nothing compared to this, nothing compared to the very pain I suffer today. I want you to share my pain, to see how it feels to be the unlucky one, to be tortured by heartbreak and depression. Then the story shall start on the very first day of the Windermere school trip...

The coach slowly stopped outside a large camp site where we were greeted by a vast landscape of the Lake District’s finest natural spectacle; mountains tower above lake Windermere, the clouds passing through them on the calm wind. I was staying here with quarter of the Year 8s for two weeks. We were staying here for a fun break, but only a few children could afford it. Teachers unloaded the bags and everyone got off, excitement and glee in their eyes. Me and my friend Bethany stood and stared out at the lake, amazed that this was really happening.

There, fixed it for you! =]

Onto the next one.

"Alright, everyone!" Mrs. Edinall shouted at us as she stood before us, her glasses reflecting the bright sunlight.

"Girls, go to the right and you'll find your tents. Boys, go to the left." She continued.

These two are best if they are joined in together to form a single paragraph rather than being separated into two. It should look like this:

"Alright, everyone!" Mrs. Edinall shouted as she stood before us, her glasses reflecting the bright sunlight, "Girls, go to the right and you'll find your tents. Boys, go to the left."

You also noticed I eliminated a few extra words. The 'she continued' at the end was unnecessary as well as the 'shouted at us' part.

Girls and boys both split up to their sides of the camp. We were closer to
the edge of the lake, so every morning when we look out of our tents,
we'll see Windermere. Plus, we were closer to the toilets and showers, too.

The same mistake appears again. Fixing it will make everything else look good. =]

"I'm glad we're all here together, you guys." Erika said as she put her hands on our shoulders.
When it comes to beginning a paragraph with a dialogue, the general rule of thumb is to add in a comma at the end rather than having to end with a period. So, replace the comma with a period.

Should look like this:
"I'm glad we're all here together, you guys," Erika said as she put her hands on our shoulders.


With all that aside, I eagerly wait for the next installment! =]

- Articuno
 

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

I'm going to add to this chapter in small pieces, soon it will be about 1000 words, hopefully.
 

Kecleon-X

124c41+
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Perhaps a chapter would be better in one fail swoop instead of periodic additions to it? Just a thought.
 

Delta

Selling colourful Pokemon to Celadon Game Corner
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Yes, please spend more time in making sure the chapter is above the word minimum before posting.
 

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Delta said:
Yes, please spend more time in making sure the chapter is above the word minimum before posting.

Yeah... sorry about that. Just got a bit too excited over it...
Can you delete threads?
 

Delta

Selling colourful Pokemon to Celadon Game Corner
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Not on request. You can just edit your first post and make sure every chapter is above 1000 words.
 

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Delta said:
Not on request. You can just edit your first post and make sure every chapter is above 1000 words.

Will do once I have time away from school...
 

Kecleon-X

124c41+
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Here is the S&G check:

Arcticwhite said:
What I went through in those two weeks was nothing I
ever hoped for; the dismay and anguish, the horror and suffering that leaves me scarred for life until the day I die.

You have an unneeded carriage return here.

Arcticwhite said:
I was staying here with quarter of the Year 8s <-- I don't understand this. Could you specify what this means? for two weeks. We were staying here for a fun break, but only a few children could afford it.
Teachers unloaded the bags and everyone got off, excitement and glee in their eyes. Me and my friend Bethany stood and stared out at the lake, amazed that this was really happening.

Another unneeded carriage return.

Arcticwhite said:
"Alright girls, you can pick which ever tent you want to be in, with a maximum of four people. Be in bed by 9:00pm, and breakfast will be served at 9:30am. No girls in the boys' camp, understood? Good, we'll be eating in Bowness at 7:00, make sure you go with us to the boats!"
Mrs Edinall announced before letting us get on with our unpacking.

Another unneeded carriage return.

Arcticwhite said:
"Kathy, Bethany, look!" Another girl, Emily, pointed towards the group of people standing in a circle.

This is worded oddly. You could say "Another girl named Emily said as she pointed towards the group of people standing in a tight circle."

It is a matter of preference, really, but do you not find the latter easier to look at?

Arcticwhite said:
I shrugged my shoulders as I looked at Bethany, who seemed a bit anxious. Pushing my way through all the girls, I started to notice an odd smell; <-- Switch this for a comma and change the latter part of the sentence to form. like something rotting.


Arcticwhite said:
Eventually, we got to the middle. <-- Remove period. And, <-- Remove comma. to be honest, I almost threw up. There, laying in the middle of the ground, was the decaying, decapitated body of a child. Needs a second or no carriage return.
Maggots and flies swarmed around it, eating away at the rotting flesh. I couldn't do anything but stare in disgust; seeing a dead body for the first time was a complete shock to me.


Arcticwhite said:
"Hasn't anyon found it yet?" Erika asked me.

Minor spelling error here.

Arcticwhite said:
Did a person do this? Is the site safe? I didn't feel safe anymore, <-- Replace with a period. in fact, I became extremely insecure. Maybe the person who did this was going to murder us next...


Arcticwhite said:
I saw Mrs. Edinall having a talk with Miss. Lindley, sat <-- Replace with "Sitting". outside their tent, oblivious to the odd smell up the hill.


Other than that, I can't see anything with my naked eye, but I would recommend always put your chapters through a spelling and grammar checker before posting.

Also, if I could give you a piece of advice, you should describe your characters more. I do it in subtle ways, but I almost always start with age. The reason for this is the fact that the age gives the readers a common build for the character. Bones, if you will. I then add in the character's attire, eye color, hair color, etc..

I hope I didn't come across harsh in any way! Write well!
 

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Year 8 is a British school grade, from ages 12 to 13.
Thanks for the critique, will update it when I have time...
 

Banana6789

cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

Hi!
I finaly manage to visit you!
You know were haveing raps for dinner!
 

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

I ran this through Miscrosoft Office and amde any changes I could...
 

Kecleon-X

124c41+
Member
RE: Windermere Secrets (HORROR, 12+)

S&G check below:

Whatever was going on here, it was not good. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave this mess behind, <--- Unnecessary comma is unnecessary. ;) and it was only the first day. This needs to be on its own line. ---> Bethany's red hair stood up on end when she shouted over at us: <--- Swap for a comma. "Come quick, there's another"! <--- Exclamation point on the outside of the speech.

She <--- Needs to say "Bethany" instead, just for clarity's sake. beckoned me over with her hand flailing about in the air. I held my breath, <--- Unnecessary comma. and <--- Insert "then". climbed back up the hill.

Another one bit the dust. Male, about the age of five, down by a stream. Again, Remove underlined and replace with ", and like the child, it was". decapitated. But the corpse wasn't rotting, and the blood looked fresh.
This <--- Needs to be plural. poor kid <--- Also needs to be plural.... torn from their lives into the jaws of a vicious carnivore. This need not be its own line. Also, I would change "Carnivore" to "Predator", but that is just my personal preference and you should always have the final say in your writing.

Scribere euge!
 
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