It was the earliest thing I could remember… three faces, looking down at me... Two were closest, and had expression of mixed fear and anguish… but the last had an expression of scorn, and distaste. He scared me. I didn’t know why, but I knew I had done something very, very wrong…
They were speaking, but the air was hazy and I couldn’t hear… my head throbbed, and my mouth tasted of ash… “Please,” I heard one say, but I fell back into darkness.
The next time I awoke, I was being hefted onto some sort of platform… it was so cold… and I jerked. Someone was holding me, I didn’t know who, and my hands grabbed at the air…
Someone shushed me, and their voice was so kind… I felt I’d heard them before, but I didn’t know when, or even who they were… I couldn’t ask them, for the moment I was on the raised surface another voice told me to stand. It was cold, and flat, and so commanding... Without hesitation I stood, and my hands were shaking as I looked up at the speaker’s face…
It was him, the same being that had glared so angrily at me before… Only now, it was as if something else was standing behind him, or with him, though nothing could be seen... The walls slowly came into focus as my head cleared… there were Angels seated along the walls, and they watched me with such intensity... Two thoughts sprung upon me, one after another, as if they were stones someone had thrown... I immediately realized who they were... For such a foolish moment, I thought that I was failing my duty, that I should have been with them, not standing here…
But it came upon me where I was, and what my location meant… From the beginning, I had been able to see that a trial was taking place. But now I realized that this trial was different… I was not a member of the Host. I was the accused.
As the great one in the center read, I barely heard him, over the flames lapping at my soul… I began to remember everything, and what I had done so terribly wrong…
I had hidden from them. I had lied.
And I had felt.
And it had been him… the one who now read my final, irrevocable sentence… who had seen right through me.
Hands grabbed at me, and I didn’t resist… I was too loyal to them, too attached to see that they didn’t care… My fear peaked as I was pushed down, but that only made them hasten in their work… They were taking everything away, and it burned like fire...I was grateful when the blackness came again to take me away…
Sheer cold was what stirred me from my peace, the final rest I would ever have… I grasped feebly at the blessed sleep, but it slipped away too fast for me to retrieve it… leaving me only with the cold, and the unshakable, numbing sensation of being utterly alone... I had been used to having so many other minds pressed up against my own... we shared our wills, our ideas, and there was a togetherness in that… but it was gone now, gone with the home I knew I could never return to…
I was left to wander… I had been stripped of everything… my home, my family, my name… even my body… I had no form... For a while, I thought I was a ghost...but in reality, I was even less than that... A ghost could at least be seen on some days… but I was no more than a thought, a whisper at the back of someone’s mind…
I strove for that warm unconsciousness… but I soon learned that it was impossible for someone of my status... And the loneliness consumed me from inside. I wished that they hadn’t been so kind, that they had killed me rather than leave me to suffer… but of course, I could not voice my wish, nor could I go back to the day of my trial…
As I lay and cried so desperately for death, the first of them found me… When my eyes opened, I was confused. There was someone near...and they were Nothing, just as I was…
He guided me to what would be my home for many centuries… centuries I thought would be forever… There were so many others like me, with no body, no existence... and yet they were. And for that moment, I felt again the love I had shared with the Host, the feeling of being together, and the same… But the moment was fleeting, as I soon learned I was very different from them all… and thus, I was forced to keep my former existence hidden deep within the folds of my past…
Though I was different, these were the closest beings to myself... of those I could still access… And I knew I would not be able to persist in the loneliness I had before… I joined them, and for the longest time, I could almost forget what I once had been…
I learned so much about the importance of emotion and empathy, and how a just decision could not be made without them… But most of all, I discovered the importance of individuality…
My past grew easier and easier to put out of mind… But of course, there were small reminders, and as much as I tried to avoid them, they came…
And the greatest reminder came just when I thought no one would ever remember… I flitted across the energies of my assigned physical group, checking their magic, and as I always did, I skimmed their thoughts, the one connection I had to physical existence… And I heard something I had never thought I would hear...
Tell Gabriel and the others that I’m coming.
I stopped, and my first reaction was to cringe and run away, for the name rang so many bells, and the sound pounded my mind until the memories were revealed… They were painful, and I wanted to stay away… But as I recovered, I realized the significance of this statement… and as I thought about it, I became convinced this was a sign... Father was calling me back to my old life...
It was then that I revealed myself, in the hopes of learning what had happened in the years I was banished… I found that no one remembered me… no one could ever speak of my name, and after so many years, even I couldn’t remember it...or perhaps they had taken it in the beginning... I could not know...
And today, the Host finally contacted me... I could not believe it… The summon represented an end to the years of exile...they wanted me home, and with them once more… and my assumptions would be proved correct….
I flew to them, heart soaring with joy, and cried tears of happiness as they returned my form. Their minds filled in around my own, and it was like falling into a warm blanket after so many years out in winter…
But the instant our minds met, they told me what they wanted to do.
Instantly, my euphoria was shattered.
I could see their logic, their reasoning behind their desired action, and it rang clear and truthful...but my heart...so much further awakened after so many years of separation...violently rejected the Host.
I pulled myself away from them, away from the family I thought I could trust… No longer could I have faith in them. Now that I had felt that which they had never felt, now that I had seen that which they never knew…
Never again could I be one with them.
