Writing Unova Panic!! (A Black and White Fanfic)

ashinto

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Hello everyone. This is going to be a fanfic using the Unova storyline with a little twist. I really hope you guys like it!

Chapter 1 - Prologue

The sun was starting to rise on a cold, rainy March day. A cool breeze blew through the open window of a teen boy’s room, the result of the room’s resident falling asleep before closing the window. The teen’s room was a stereotypical room for a person his age. His bed was right by the window, the lower right hand corner of the room, so if needed he can escape through it. Next to the bed was a night stand, with a pair of glasses and a pokeball on it. On the northern wall there was a desk that was filled with papers, books, an alarm clock, a small stereo system, a stack of CDs, and a PC. The desk had six draws, three on each side, two of the draws opened halfway, wires popping out of them. Leaning on the desk was an acoustic guitar. A spiny chair was next to the desk, a silver jacket draped over it. To the right of the desk was a TV, a Nintendo Wii hooked up to hit. On the left wall of the room, there was his closet which was filled with many identical outfits. On the floor was a variety of things, ranging from a pair of black and silver running shoes, empty cans of soda, dirty clothes, and a couple of magazines titles “Pokemon Monthly”, “Trainer’s Times”, and “Shonen Manga Specials” were all scattered on the floor.

Another teenage boy walked up the stairs into the bedroom. The boy was about 5’7”, average height for a young man of the age of fifteen. He had pale skin, and was very skinny, which gave him the appearance of a skeleton or a ghost to some. His hair was a dark brown, temped and lined up neatly. He wore a white sweat jacket, a black stripe going down the middle of it, denim jeans, and black skateboarding shoes, the laces untied and tucked in for comfort. His brown eyes darted around the room, and he put his hand to his forehead.

“Black, you were told to wake up an hour ago so we could hang out, but no, you sleep late yet again. What else is new,” the teen said sarcastically. He walked towards the bed and started to speak louder. “Black, c’mon you lazy bum, wake up!! Why can our little brother’s wake up so early, but you need your freakin’ sleep.” By the time the teen finished speaking, he was at the foot of Black’s bed. “Wake the heck up you lazy kid!!!” the teen screamed as he started to shake the sleeping Black.

“Aah!! Earthquake,” a dazed Black yelled as he was being shaken by the other teen. He looked to see the pale hands on his shoulders, immediately knowing that it was his friend, White. “White, dangit stop, I’m awake, I’m awake!!”

“About an hour late you are. Remember how we were supposed to go fishing today??” White told Black, a tone of annoyance in his voice.

“Oh ya…that…can we still go now,” Black asked as he got out of bed. The teen sat on the edge of his bed, wearing nothing besides a pair of white and blue pinstripe boxers. His skin was an olive color, very dark. The teen’s hair was as dark as night, a mini afro resting on his head. His brownish black eyes, glanced over to the night stand, trying to make out his glasses.

“Let me get those for you,” White said, grabbing Black’s glasses and handing them to his friend. “I know you can barely see the distance without them bud.”

Black took the glasses and put them on, he then got up and stood next to his friend, who he towered over. He then chuckled as he looked down to White.

“Shut up Black, it’s not my fault that you’re six feet tall and I’m not,” White said sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he said it. “And to answer your question, if you look outside, it’s raining. Heck, you left the window open again and some rain got in, you know how I absolutely hate the rain,” White complained.

“Fine, I’ll shut it for you bud,” Black said, leaning over his bed and closing the window. “Now lemme get some clothes on so I can head downstairs to eat breakfast.”

“It’s noon you doof.”

“Lemme get some clothes on so I can head downstairs to eat lunch.”

“That’s better.”

Black went over to his closet and opened it. He first put on a pair of black pants, the first thing he did every morning. He then put a black tee-shirt on, silver stripes on the sides and the sleeves. He then walked over to the desk where he sat on the chair, opening one of the draws, and pulling out a pair of black socks, putting them on. “Hey White, toss me over my shoes please,” Black asked his friend.

“Sure bud,” White said as he gently tossed over both of Black’s shoes.

Black put the shoes on quickly, got out of the chair, grabbing the silver jacket, which had the left sleeve completely black, and put it on, keeping it unzipped though. He walked over to grab the pokeball sitting on his desk, and put it into his pocket. “C’mon White, let’s head down.”


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“How was your lunch boys,” a woman in her mid-forties asked Black and White, who were sitting down at a table in a kitchen. She had long brown hair, down to her shoulders, green eyes, a white top, and grey pants. Empty plates with tiny crumbs on them were clear evidence that the two just ate.

“It was very good Mrs. Mae,” White said to the woman.

“See Blackypoo, the Momma still knows how to cook,” the woman said to her son, pinching his cheek.

“Mom, I’m fifteen, you can stop calling me Blackypoo…and pinching my cheek,” Black said as to his mother as he took his plate and White’s, putting them in the sink.

“I know, but you’re still my baby,” Mrs. Mae said to her son.

“But what about Crimson, isn’t he the baby since he’s younger? Speaking of Crimson, where is he?” Black asked his mother.

“He’s with Grey at my house, probably playing on the Wii,” White stated.

“Ah,” Black answered.

Grey was White’s younger brother, who was good friends with Crimson. The two were always playing some kind of sport and were very active children. Though since it was raining, it made sense that they were inside.

“So, White, what do ya wanna do now?” Black asked his friend.

“I have an idea for the two of you, why don’t you two go to the market in Accumula town and pick up a couple things for me. You both have Pokemon, you’ll be completely fine,” Mrs. Mae said.

“But it’s raining out, and it’s so far. I don’t feel like going through Route 1 twice…” White complained.

“Bud, don’t you go from your house on Route 18 to here pretty much every day,” Black asked.

“Ya, I do, but I usually use my dad’s Jellicent when doing so along with a crapload of repels. Though I ran out of the repels and Jellicent doesn’t listen to me in battle because I’m not it’s trainer and I don’t have enough gym badges to control it anyway,” White answered.

“You make a good point,” Black said as he sat back down. “But hey, we can still do it, our Pokemon are strong enough to take on the wild Pokemon on Route 1 if it comes down to it.”

“Will the two of you just get out there already, or do you not want dinner tonight??” Mrs. Mae yelled to her son and his friend.

“We should go now, shouldn’t we my friend,” Black said quickly to White.

“Yes we shall,” White answered and the two jumped out of their seats and ran out the door of Black’s house and up north to Route 1.






What do you guys think?? The next chapter will be out soonish.

Also, I'm sorry we have little-no plot action here, but I'm trying to work this so that we can get all of this intro stuff out of the way and get to the action soon!!
 

Uralya

*ponders everything*
Member
Change the "Wii was hooked up to hit" to "it".

Next sentence, "Which was" should be replaced by a comma.

"ranging from a pair of black and silver running shoes, empty cans of soda, dirty clothes," should be "ranging from black and silver running shoes and dirty clothes to empty cans of soda".

How do you know the 5'7" guy is 15? I'd edit that out.

Next sentence, edit out the first comma after "pale skin".

“Black, you were told to wake up an hour ago so we could hang out, but no, you sleep late yet again. What else is new,” the teen said sarcastically. He walked towards the bed and started to speak louder. “Black, c’mon you lazy bum, wake up!! Why can our little brother’s wake up so early, but you need your freakin’ sleep.” By the time the teen finished speaking, he was at the foot of Black’s bed. “Wake the heck up you lazy kid!!!” should be "Black, I told you to wake up an hour ago so we could hang out, but 'NOOooo', you slept late yet again! What else is new?!"....."C'mon, you lazy bum! Wake up! Why can our little brothers wake up so early, yet you need your freakin' sleep!"..."Wake the heck up, you lazy kid!!" Sound better?

After Earthquake, an exclamation point would fit better than a comma.

“Oh ya…that…can we still go now,” should be "Oh, yeah...that...Can we still go now?"

After White grabs the glasses, add a comma after the "them" that's before "bud".

Black took the glasses and put them on, he then got up and stood next to his friend, who he towered over. This should be "Black took the glasses and put them on. He got up from the bed and stood next to White, whom he towered over."

After "Shut up", add a comma before Black to seperate his name.

"Heck, you left the window open again and some rain got in, you know how I absolutely hate the rain,” should be "Heck, you left the window open again and some rain got in, and you know how I absolutely hate the rain," Just add "and" after the "in,".

Next sentence, add a comma after "you" and before "bud".

Add comma after "noon".

Get rid of the "He first" and just make it "He".

"He then walked over to the desk where he sat on the chair, opening one of the draws, and pulling out a pair of black socks, putting them on." should be "He walked over to the desk, where he sat on its chair, opened a drawer, and pulled out a pair of black socks, both of which he put on."

Add comma after "Sure".

"Black put the shoes on quickly, got out of the chair, grabbing the silver jacket, which had the left sleeve completely black, and put it on, keeping it unzipped though." should be "Black put them on quickly, hopped out of the chair and grabbed the silver jacket, left sleeve completely black, which he also put on, albeit unzipped.", so as to avoid comma cruelty.

Add comma after "C'mon".

Change the comma to a question mark after "boys" in the next sentence.

"just ate" should be "had just eaten".

Add comma after "good".

“Mom, I’m fifteen, you can stop calling me Blackypoo" should be "Mom, I'm fifteen. You can stop calling me Blackypoo".

“But what about Crimson, isn’t he the baby since he’s younger?" should be "But what about Crimson? Isn't he the baby since he's younger?"

“I have an idea for the two of you, why don’t you two go to the market in Accumula town and pick up a couple things for me. You both have Pokemon, you’ll be completely fine,” should be "I have an idea. Why don't you two go down to the market in Accumula Town and pick up a couple things for me? You both have Pokemon. You'll be completely fine,".

After "day", comma becomes question mark.

“Ya," to "Yeah,".

After "friend", comma becomes question mark.

Add comma after "Yes".

Change the very last "and" to a comma.





After those fixes, that was a pretty good first chapter. The dscriptio you use for everyone is pretty well written. But can't you go in depth about their thoughts and feelings? That could be added. Just keep at it, my friend.

~AoH
 

ashinto

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Thanks a ton bud. I'm going to work on the next part first, and then I'll go on a rewriting spree for all of the older chapters.
 

ashinto

Aspiring Trainer
Member
It's exam week guys!! And you know what that means?? Yes, it means that the next chapter will be out in about 2 weeks, delayed by the end of the school year. Please feel free to comment though, tell me if you like it or not.
 

ashinto

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Thanks for the feedback Adan. I've planned out an outline for the next couple chapters, though with Junior Olympics, exams, and vacations w/ the family coming up, the writing time will be limited. Luckily I do not have an exam on Friday so I may squeeze in some morning writing.
 
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