Writing The Stars of the Lords

[Eldír]

~The Stars of the Lords~​

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Introduction:
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Genre:High-Fantasy Adventure.
Rating:[+7] for violence and some bits of dark humor.

About:Well, this story comes from the long time love I have for Lord of the Rings and fantasy, you can expect updates in a bit of a slow speed as I am used to have major writer's block.

You can also expect, epic quotes and well written story with alot of time dedicated to it (because I apparently have no life outside of the internet), weird sounding names and a fast paced adventure.

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Special thanks:
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No, for now no one is sponsoring this story, but I still want to thank you all just for the fact that you're spending your time with me and my story! =)

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List of Chapters:
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Prologue

1º Part:
-Chapter I:The new King. (coming soon)


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The actual story:
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Spoiler

"The ages fly and pass like the wind in the mountains, but I remember it all, the blue crystal-clear ocean, the gentle touch of the great plains and the wisdom of the old forests and the power of the high mountains.The blessing whisper of the wind in the moonlight and warm judgement of the proud Sun.


There was life and there were men, men, elves, dwarves, orcs and legends, but it was I, that gave them all the power over the sky...of the stars.


I gave to each of the rulers of each race a Star, shining in the heavens was a star casting a blessing into the rulers of Alaner.To the King of men, Afîr the Wise, I gave the Southeastern star for him to follow.To the High-Elven Lady, Mother Uër, the Northwestern sky for her to accompany.To the Master of the Mountains Tankul, the Master dwarve, I gave the middle star, in the center of Alaner, so he and his miners could see the ways in the depths of the earth.


The others refused my blessing and remain alone in their lands, but the others remain together, still under the same sky, the original lords that received the Shining blessing have long passed away, their sons and daughters continued their houses for many ages that have passed and hopefully for the ones to come.

But the earth now is changing, it is losing the great hold it had over the unblessed and now...it falls, the united people stand on their lands but the sky is losing life, the Eastern sea is becoming quiet and the stars...lose their shine.


The war will grant us with its presence, death will swing her weapon into millions of innocent souls.
But there will be the brave...the heros, the true Lords and the true people of Alaner.


Not even me, no one can guess what is going to happen next, fate is in the people that live in the great lands, I hope, there is always hope. That the night will regain its stars, and that Alaner recovers the once great Lords..."

 

[Eldír]

*Bump of moderate epicness*

 

[Zyflair]

(Hah, I'm beating you to this, Apollo. Eat it!)
Welcome to the Writing Corner.

I'd introduce myself to you, but I'm an old geezer that really don't do much be lounge around and rant about how much youngsters these days are outta their rockers tell people how to make their stories better. Sure, I write, but that's a side job; no one likes my fanfics. XD

I jest. I'm Zyflair, a (recently inactive) critic in the Writing Corner (and - *stands up a bit straighter* - a former moderator of this awesome forum). I try not to be harsh, but I've been given complaints about being so, and - due to that - I will apologize beforehand if anything I say is offensive.

Unfortunately, I'm going to start with the bad news: your fiction doesn't comply with the Writing Corner rules; installments of the fiction require at least 1000 words. By rule, you should have waited till you wrote more before you posted. Regardless, Incinermyn (the current moderator of the place. I'm sure you're familiar with him) is pretty lenient for first-time offenses. I just suggest you keep it in mind the next time you post more. :3

Onto the actual content of the fic, I'm a bit worried about how you set it up. I've personally never been a fan of narrators, including one that's a higher being. Still, that's just my taste Your descriptions of the setting, though generic, are decent. You certainly attempt to imitate the popular rendition medivial folk-telling. However, in the midst of this, there's a noticeable lapse of grammar in many places, particularly run-ons and sentence fragments such as the following:

The others refused my blessing and remain alone in their lands, but the others remain together, still under the same sky, the original lords that received the Shining blessing have long passed away, their sons and daughters continued their houses for many ages that have passed and hopefully for the ones to come.

But the earth now is changing, it is losing the great hold it had over the unblessed and now...

Not even me, no one can guess what is going to happen next, fate is in the people that live in the great lands, I hope, there is always hope.

There's more, but I'm not out there to fork your work for this. My point is try to keep your sentence structure a bit more conventional, because convolutions do make your story more difficult to read. I'd say more, but with less than 400 words, there's not much to comment on. I'll have to wait for hte next part before saying more.

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair

 

[Incinermyn]

I should mention that Eldir already told me he's writing this on his 3DS and can't check his chapter lengths, so I told him it was fine.

 

[Eldír]

Less than 400 words?

I tough they were more, oh well.

The narration isn't going to be like that all the time, For the Prologue I wanted to tell the history of Alaner and doing it like this seemed like a good way.


Thanks for reading. =)