Writing The Data of Life

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
The Data of Life
By Porygon-X

Contents:
Background
Chapter 1 - Initialization
Chapter 2 - Reveal


Note from the author:
Hello! This is my first attempt at writing a story here, so go easy on me! Nah, please, be as harsh as you wish if and when you critique, otherwise I'll never get better. I really like writing stories, and with your help, I can get better, and maybe even make more stories here, for you to enjoy.

So, please, enjoy this tale!
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
~Background~

Ever since the discovery of Pokemon, humans have been trying to make Pokemon of their own. Pokemon that they can manufacture, and sell. Many people have tried this ambitious task, and all have failed.

Recently, two companies, Silph Co., and Devon Corporation, have claimed to have plans for an operational artificial Pokemon. This has caused a race, if you will, between the two companies to get their's on the market first.

However, like all competitions, there is bound to be a cheater.
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
~Initialization~

"There! Sound input functions are online," said a man, rather skinny and tall.

Sitting on the desk next to the man was a peculiar looking creature. It was rather small, and had a very big head. There wasn't a round feature on this odd being. Instead it was very square, with flat surfaces. Its color was an odd scheme, too. It was mostly pinkish red, with blue highlights. It had a long, rectangular tail that protruded from the rear of the creature, and two large pupil-less hexagonal eyes. This creature had no legs, arms, or neck. It did, however, have two large triangular feet on it's sides.

Looking very mechanical, the creature sat there on the desk, static, and unaware of it's surroundings.

The room was rather small, with a desk in the middle. On top of this desk sat a monitor, and a keyboard, along with numerous papers, and other equipment. In the corner sat a large machine, that appeared to be hooked up to the monitor. This machine gave off quite a lot of heat, and made a steady humming noise. It had several flashing lights, buttons, and knobs. In the very center of the machine was a large 'S'. This 'S' was placed over the word 'Silph Co.', as if that was the company who made it.

"Excellent! Can it see yet?" Said another man, quite old and round. This man looked rather in charge, and as if he had a lot on his mind.

"I'm trying, but it seems as though the cameras aren't responding," replied the first man.

"Mark, I didn't pay you to make mistakes," was the sharp voice heard from the second man.

Grimacing, and adjusting his glasses, Mark turned around to his computer and typed for a while. Growing more irritated, he typed faster and harder, until a message popped up on the computer screen that he paused to read.

"What's the problem now?" the old round man said, frustrated, "Don't tell me I have to wait longer for the project to be finished."

"It's n-nothing, sir," said Mark wavily, "I just need some time."

The old round man's face sharpened, as he stared at Mark.

"Sir! Don't be mad, things like this happen sometimes. Especially when trying to engineer something of this degree!" Mark said, trying not to anger the other man.

The old round man did not say anything, rather, he walked out of the room angrily.

Mark sat there, staring at the creature. "Why? Why must you not work when in front of him? You are going to cost me my job, you know that?" he said to the creature. "Bah… What am I doing? Talking to a collection of 'ones' and 'zeroes' like it understands me?"

After sitting there for a while thinking, he slammed the keyboard on the desk out of frustration. "Darn it! Why won't you work!?" he exclaimed. After the assault on the innocent keyboard, the message on the computer screen vanished, and several loading bars appeared on the screen. The creature on the desk started to make a soft humming sound, as if starting up. Once the loading bars on the screen advanced to one hundred percent, a loud 'Chong' - the 'Chong' a Macintosh computer makes when starting - emitted from the creature. Two small black dots appeared on the large white eyes of the creature, as if resembling pupils.

Getting out of his slump, Mark examined the screen, and then looked at the creature. The creature returned the gesture, and looked at Mark. Never taking his eyes off of the creature, Mark fingered for the walkie-talkie sitting on his desk.

"Sir," Mark said, shaking, "it works."

Mark sat there, examining the creature while waiting for the old round man to come in. He moved his hand from side to side, while the creature moved it's head, following Mark's hand. Mark stood up out of his chair, and moved in front of the creature. He reached out his hand, apprehensively, and touched the creature on the nose.

"You are amazing. Can you talk for me?" Mark asked.

Before the creature could respond, the old round man rushed into the room, anxious.

"Why, what have we here? It works? This is excellent!" he said, while looking at the creature out of breath. He briskly walked up to the creature reaching out his hand as if to pet it.

The creature did not find the man friendly, however. It rose up in the air off the desk, blowing away all the papers that it was sitting on. Doing so, it disconnected the USB cord that attached it to the monitor. It then rotated in mid-air to face the old round man, and it's pupils in it's large white eyes grew smaller, and sharper as it stared at him. It appeared as if it was mad, or alarmed.

"This isn't supposed to be happening! I think it's getting hostile! Shutting him down now, sir." Said Mark, while reaching for a remote. After grasping the remote, Mark pressed a button that caused the creature to fall back to the desk with a loud 'thud'.

After falling, the small black pupils in the creature's eyes faded away, and the papers that flew off the desk floated to the ground. Each of the men were silent, as they thought about what happened.

"Why did it do that, Mark? It didn't seem to like me, Mark. Is there something I should know?" the old round man interrogated.

"I don't know. It's supposed to scan for threats, and I guess it found you as, well, threatening," replied Mark.

"I want it fixed by tomorrow, or you're fired. You hear?" the old round man said before storming out of the room.

After staring at the static creature for a bit, he turned to his computer, and typed: "Log, February 27, 1996. It works! Unfortunately, it appears hostile to the President, and I may lose my job over it. There also seemed to be some camera problems that I accidentally fixed, somehow. But, all-in-all, it seems Project Porygon is almost completed."
 

42 chocolate

nope
Member
Just a quick comment for the moment, I'll give some more in-depth feedback in a few minutes (that is, if Apollo doesn't get to this before me).

Your prologue is more of an explanation of the story's setting, rather than actually part of the story... I'd recommend you add it to the first post rather than making it have its own separate post; as it's really just background.

All right, here goes. First off, grammar.

You're doing pretty well with this, except there are a few mistakes here and there, mainly with you're/your and it's/its. A couple instances I noticed were:
It's color was an odd scheme, too.
and
"I want it fixed by tomorrow, or your fired. You hear?"

Remember,
  • It's means 'it is'
  • Its is possessive, for example, 'its face was blue'
  • You're means 'you are'
  • Your is possessive, for example, 'your face was blue'

Also with grammar, make sure you start a new line whenever someone new speaks. You did this in most cases, but in some places, such as this:
Before the creature could respond, the old round man rushed into the room, anxious. "Why, what have we here? It works? This is excellent!"
There should be a paragraph break when the boss speaks.


That's it for grammar, now, for the actual writing and stuff. The main thing I feel the need to tell you is show, don't tell. This passage, for example:
The room was rather small, with a desk in the middle. On top of this desk sat a monitor, and a keyboard, along with numerous papers, and other equipment.
This tells us that:
1. The room is small.
2. There's a desk in the middle of the room.
3. On the desk is a monitor, a keyboard, and many papers, in addition to other equipment.

But instead of blatantly telling your readers those things, describe them. The sentence about the room being small could be this:
The room was a tight fit, with a desk sitting right in the middle.
It's not that good of an example, but making these types of small tweaks really adds to the story--and makes it more interesting.

Another thing along the lines of description is to describe how your characters talk. You use 'said' a lot, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but you want to add adverbs, such as 'said excitedly,' and give your readers a feel for how the character said it.


Oh, and finally, get rid of the tags at the beginning of the first chapter, and use italics for the emphasis. Honestly, it doesn't really look that good, and it's unprofessional. (Sorry if I come across as harsh here.)


I'll definitely be following this story. I really like the idea, and Porygon is my favorite Pokémon, so... :D
And that's all I have. Overall, good job with this. I look forward to more.
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
Oh, I thought the Prologue was the setting. Oh well, I changed it to background.

Thanks for the quick comment! :D
 

42 chocolate

nope
Member
Ah, no, it's a bit of a background, but it's part of the overall plotline as well and should be written like a chapter if you choose to include one.

My last post has been edited with more in-depth critiquing.
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
Alright, thanks a lot! I can't believe I missed those grammar issues, fixing them right away.

Oh, and finally, get rid of the tags at the beginning of the first chapter, and use italics for the emphasis. Honestly, it doesn't really look that good, and it's unprofessional. (Sorry if I come across as harsh here.)

Not too sure what you mean here. You mean the fonts, boldness, etc.?
 

42 chocolate

nope
Member
I mean to get rid of the bold tags and the size tags, and replace them with italics tags. Instead of:
Code:
[b][size=whatever]There![/size][/b]
use
Code:
[i]There![/i]
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
Ah, I see. I put that there more artistically, not to emphasize what he was saying. Is that still a bad thing?
 

42 chocolate

nope
Member
In professional writing, yeah. If you're just kind of putting it in lightly, though, I'd suggest you ask Apollo, but I'd allow it if I were him. Just don't do it too much.
 
I

Incinermyn

I'll allow it this one time, but any more and you'll receive a minor warning for font/bond/color-tags abuse. Too many people would love to get back in the habit of using them all the time here, and that's why the rule against using them was drafted in the first place (outside of the chapter titles, of course). Otherwise, I think 42 chocolate covered things fairly well, so there's not much I think I can say...that, and I'm pressed for time right now and can 't give a thorough review. But overall it doesn't look that bad for a start (though is the first chapter really under 850 words like you told me via PM? Sorry, I can't tell on my phone, but it looks longer to me than you said it was).
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
Minor warning? That's all I needed to hear.

And no, I got it over 1000 words before I posted it.

Thank you, I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story! :D
 
I

Incinermyn

Rules are rules. I have to follow and enforce them regardless. Besides, if you were dealing with mods on a larger writing forum, you wouldn't even get this much leeway (and trust me, I've been on some where the rules are uber-strict about altering the text and its appearance). If it makes you feel better, I'll consult the Super Mods and see if they have any opinions on the matter.
 

HolyMackerel

been here forevs yo
Member
This is very good! Most of the problems I saw have already been adressed, so I will just simply say: Good Job!

(You could make some progress though.)
:D
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
@Apollo:

No need. I'm fine. If it's that serious, I don't want to cause any problems. Besides, I kinda stuck in it there as a random thing anyway, and can do without. Thank you though. :D

@Aggie:

Thank you very much! Yeah, I know I need some progress, this is my first time after all.:)


Thanks again for all the comments! Stay tuned for the next chapter! :D
 
I

Incinermyn

After thinking things over a bit more, I decided you can do it again but sparingly. I'm still waiting to hear back on the matter, but so long as you're not overusing the tags, it's alright. My concerns are more that if I let one person get away with it, others will think they can too. Chances are slim of that happening, but I can't let potential tag abuse issues such as this go all the time.
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
My plan was to start off each chapter with a large bold word. However, I really don't want to create a fuss over it. Trust me, it's fine. It isn't that big of a deal.

I appreciate the concern, though. Sounds silly, but that really means a lot to me. Thank you.
 

Porygon-X

There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Member
~Reveal~


The flash of the cameras reflected off the chrome Pokeball brilliantly as the old round man walked up onto the stage where it was sitting. The stage was positioned in the corner of a grand auditorium filled with countless people eagerly awaiting the presentation. Each person near the stage had one of the brightly flashing cameras. The chrome Pokeball was stationed regally on top of a translucent stand, for all to see.

As the old round man reached the top of the stage, an enthusiastic voice echoed throughout the auditorium.

"Give it up for Mr. Silph!"

Shortly after the voice came, thunderous applause originated from every person in the auditorium as Mr. Silph positioned himself behind the podium.

"Thank you all for being here on this historic day. I would like to formally announce our latest project, the Porygon!" Mr. Silph said, gesturing toward the chrome Pokeball sitting on top of the stand.

Soon after the short introduction, the crowd began to applaud loudly in anticipation of what was to come.

After the crowd died down, Mark briskly walked onto the stage and over to the stand that supported the chrome Pokeball.

"Alright Porygon," Mark said, as he lifted the Pokeball. "Come on out!" He exclaimed as he tossed the chrome sphere at the surface of the stage.

The ball quickly impacted the ground, and popped open to reveal sparks and a vibrant red light. This red light quickly formed into the shape of the Porygon, and - as if being colored in - turned to matter. The Porygon sat there on the stage, as a barrage of bright lights invaded the area. The Porygon, however, remained unfazed.

"Come here, Porygon!" Mr. Silph said playfully.

The Porygon then levitated two feet off the ground, and floated over to Mr. Silph. Once there, he mechanically chirped, "Pory!".

Mr. Silph extended his hand down to pet the Porygon on the nose. As he did, it appeared as if the whole audience was one giant mass of bright light. It was a wonder anyone could see through all the camera flashing.

Mr. Silph then straightened up, and glanced at the crowd, as if studying each individual.

"As you already know, we have been trying to engineer an artificial Pokemon for years. Well, after hard work, and much dedication, we succeeded. Our goal was to make a Pokemon that anyone can own. A Pokemon that takes little to no maintenance. Most importantly we wanted to create one that was believable, and seemed real. This Pokemon is very loyal, and will never disobey an order from its master." Mr. Silph said intently.

He smiled as he looked at each of the mesmerized faces glued to the Porygon.

"I will take any questions relating to the Porygon shortly. Thank you!" He continued, as he started to walk off stage. As he turned around, he noticed an eerie man in a black suit, and black sunglasses staring at him from the cover of the crowd. "What are they doing here? I told them to stay out of this," Mr. Silph thought to himself.

The Porygon looked around, as if alert. Its head quickly jotted from side to side, as if looking for something.

"What are you doing?" Mark said, quietly. He reached out his hand to touch the Porygon, but he got shocked by static electricity.

The Porygon then floated up to Mark's head level, and it's black pupils sharpened, as if angry.

Mark quickly reached for the chrome Pokeball, and pressed the center button. A red beam of light shot out at the hostile Porygon from the ball, and pulled the Porygon inside.

Relieved, but trying to keep cool, Mark briskly walked off stage, with Mr. Silph.

They walked down a predetermined path cut off by ropes to a door that Mr. Silph walked through.

Once they each got inside the cramped prep room, Mark sat down on an old worn out couch in the corner of the room.

"Something isn't right." Mark started off.

Mr. Silph just stood there, rubbing his chin. "I know."

"I need to know if you assigned anyone else to program the Porygon but me." Mark said apprehensively, as if not to anger the man.

Mr. Silph was just quiet, staring into the corner.

"Mr. Silph. The Porygon isn't acting right. There is something in it's program that I didn't put there." Mark said, somewhat bluntly.

"I need to go. Don't follow me," was all Mr. Silph said, as he walked out the back door.

"Where are you going?" Mark sighed, as he slumped into the couch.

Mark pulled out a cell-phone, and began looking at files. He was looking at the Porygon source code, hoping to find something out of place. He looked in all the files, and examined every program. However, he found nothing.

"What could be the problem?" Mark asked, to no one in particular.

The room was a tight one, with a couch in the corner, and three prep chairs facing mirrors. There was a painting on the wall that depicted a human playing with a Pokemon. It represented companionship, and compassion.

Shortly after Mark put his cell-phone away, Mr. Silph walked back into the room, sweat dripping from his brow.

"Ok, let's talk to the press." Mr. Silph said, as he walked to the door that lead to the main auditorium.

***

"Alright, he's walking back out on stage," a man said into a radio. This man had a very rough voice, and out of control facial hair. He was stationed very far back in the auditorium, so no one could see him. He had a pair of binoculars, of which he was peering into.

The auditorium was emptier than it was at first, but there was still a mass of people with cameras near the stage.

"Ok everyone, I will answer a few questions about the Porygon," came Mr. Silph's voice over the speakers.

Many people in the crowd started talking, but it was impossible to hear from so far away.

"Do you have a visual on the Porygon?" rang the radio in the man's hand.

"No, Mr. Silph is the only one on stage," the man replied to the radio.

"Ah, very good question," Mr. Silph's voice echoed, "the Porygon is perfectly harmless. Trust me, I only issued one programmer for the job, no one else had access to the scripts. Even if anything goes wrong, each Porygon will come with a free remote. The remote can turn the Porygon unit on and off, at the user's will."

A long pause came, as Mr. Silph listened to the next question.

"A good battler? My friends, the Porygon is an excellent battler! With a very large move-pool, of which can be found in your brochure, the Porygon can know any move it needs to defeat its next opponent," Mr. Silph replied to a reporter.

Numerous questions came, and numerous questions were answered by Mr. Silph. However, there was one question asked by the spying man:

"Is it time?"

"Yes. Move in now," the radio cracked.
 

Unique Username

...
Member
This is a charming story - it's nice to see Porygon in the limelight for once (darn you, episode 38!) :3

I have a few suggestions regarding grammar and syntax.

As the old round man reached the top of the stage

This description of the elderly gentleman has been used previously and quite recently. It may be best to change the description so it doesn't sound too repetitive:

As the stout, elderly man reached the top of the stage...

...Or something. XD

After the crowd died down, Mark briskly walked onto the stage, and over to the stand that supported the chrome Pokeball.

The conjunction 'and' is perfect for bridging, connecting, and converging two or more sentences together; the comma is not required. This happens a few times later on, as well. Remember that if you have the conjunction 'and', a comma is usually not needed beforehand. It can be used sometimes for dramatic effect, like you used later on (i.e. It represented companionship, and compassion). This is done quite sparingly, though. If you're unsure, it is best not to include the comma because it will read well either way.

"Come on out!" He continued

'Continued' isn't exactly a verb to use for dialogue, though I understand that you intended to show that Mark was continuing to speak from before. A suggestion may be to replace the word with 'enthusiatically exclaimed', or rephrase the word with something to better suit its intention, like:

He continued to encourage the digital creature...

...Or something XD

Once there, he very mechanically chirped, "Pory!".

'Very' isn't required; it sounds a bit odd used like that. A suggestion may be to manipulate the sentence to reflect just how mechanical Porygon's cry is:

Once there, its mechanical voice chirped with a nearly robotic flair. “Pory!”

Also, the period at the end is not required because of the exclamation mark in the dialogue.

It is a wonder anyone could see

Oops! Present tense. If you change 'is' to 'was', you're good to go :3

Mr. Silph said, intently.

The comma isn't required here. This happens a few times later on, and the same principle applies there. A suggestion would be to read the sentence out loud: Does it require a break in it? Does it sound better with a break in that particular place? This can help make your sentences be concise and flow nicely.

He smiled, as he looked at each of the mesmerized faces glued to the Porygon.

Again, the comma isn't needed (it breaks the sentence at an odd time). If you wanted to keep the comma, you could rephrase the sentence:

Smiling proudly, he looked at each of the mesmerized faces glued to the Porygon.

I would recommend merging this singular sentence into the previous one. It is okay to write a singular sentence if it is shocking or revealing something of significance, but since Mr. Silph is just smiling, it can be part of the earlier paragraph :3

"What are they doing here?

This is personal preference, but it is customary for most authors to use a single apostrophe (' ') for thoughts versus a double apostrophe (“ ”) since these are reserved for audible speech (quiet or loud). It might confuse the reader whether or not someone is speaking. It is entirely up to you, though.

It's head quickly jotted from side to side

42 chocolate has mentioned this to you previously, but I can understand a few mistakes with the 'its' vs. 'it's'. Since it is an object being referenced, the possessive pronoun 'its' should be used, instead. This is done again when describing its black pupils, so the same principle applies there, as well. Remember:

'It's' is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'. If you see 'it's', try reading it aloud with the sentence as you would if it were not contracted (e.g. 'It is head quickly jotted from side to side' OR 'It has head quickly jotted from side to side'). It sounds odd, doesn't it? This means that you cannot use that contraction because it is describing or referring to an object. I hope this helps!

Relived, but trying to keep cool

Oops! Tiny spelling error. Try 'Relieved', instead. :3

cut off my ropes

Don't cut off my ropes! Just kidding~ I think you meant 'by' :3

he walked to the door that leads to the main auditorium.

Oops! Present tense. Remove the 's' to make it past tense.

That's everything! As a secondary suggestion, I would recommend using a bit more description in your writing (adjectives are your friends!). For a first story, this is good. Keep at it, Porygon-X!
 
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