Support for the Crying Heart

[Axell Starr]

EDITED
________



Purpose of this:

So i'm sure many of us have had heartache story or two, close calls, and breakups. What I thought would be a good idea is to discuss how we've learned to move past that, suggestions, advice, etc. I do not believe I've seen a thread for this (though have seen a breakup song thread), so I thought It'd be a good idea to make a relatively general thread for this.

How did you guys get over your first love? What did you guys do to ease the pain and make it easier? Any advice for a possible first time break up? Second? end of first serious relationship? Also, I hope that this thread ends up helping other people going through heartache too.



My story/what gave me the idea:

Things happened to the man and there's somewhat of a chance it's going to cause us splitting up after a bit shy of four and a half happy, and mostly peaceful years. He was the perfect prince for me. He was loving, kind, a good cook, understanding, he understood female issues, liked playing games and enjoyed anime and we had similar tastes in food, shows, and music all around. He had an adorable side that he only showed me, mainly to get me to smile. He was nerdy, and he has sage fright and give me little personal shows of him singing, just for me. Many times just wanted nothing more than to hold me as I fell asleep. He always tried to find new things for us to do together.

We were, and still are technically engaged, but we postponed it because of an immense amount of pressure and and other things. We have a time frame set to get married and such, planning on having kids with the names already picked out, we already decided on how we were going to raise them and everything. Now all that might end due to things.

He was, and still is my first love, and means more to me than anything. I've had feelings for others, but those were just crushes and I knew it. He's also the first person I've ever been with (in a relationship with).

 

[Athena]

RE: Support for the crying heart.

While not my first love, I did have a very painful breakup about 6 years ago with the man I was living with. We had been dating each other since I was in high school, had been living together for over 2 years, and were engaged to be married. We had similar tastes and complimented each other well; we were generally very happy together, and while (like I said earlier) he might not have been my first love, he was my first real serious one, a man I could see myself spending the rest of my time with.

Spoiler: Details of the break-up; not really necessary to read but help set the foundation for my recovery

In the first year of us living together, I was taken to the hospital for appendicitis. At the time, both of us were living from month to month and I only had a part-time retail job and no health insurance, so the hospital bills were tremendous. Instead of being supportive, my boyfriend pulled away from me because the bills were "my" problem. After a tortuous week of calling different billing companies (one for the hospital stay, one for the meds, one for anesthesia, one for the surgeon, etc. and so forth), and right after recovering from surgery mind you, I broke down into severe panic attacks and ended up just spending my college savings to make the bills go away. Something similar happened about a year and a half later (this time a ruptured ovarian cyst) and I was once again trapped between bills. By this time I had a full time job and was attending college courses, but still had no insurance, and this time with no college savings to back me up. I was once again isolated and abandoned (this was my problem, after all, not his), with panic attacks triggered just by the thought of dealing with all those billing companies. I ended up scheduling monthly payments and got a second, overnight job to cover the additional monthly costs. On top of my full-time job and college courses, I think I lasted about a month, but honestly that time of my life is still a blur to me.

We didn't break up because of the hospital bill issue, but it was a catalyst for me. I was neglected and abandoned by a man I thought would stick with me and help me through my problems (not solve them for me, but at least not throw me to the wolves on my own), and it opened my eyes to other deficiencies of character that I had originally overlooked. I felt myself doomed; after all, we'd already planned a marriage and had started paying for deposits and things so in my mind I felt already trapped. It took the help of a very good online friend to talk me through the situation and convince me that I was not already trapped and that leaving him would be better done sooner than later before I really was.

In the end, our break up was technically mutual, though I still feel it was more on my end and that he "made" it mutual to save face. For me, he cited that I was not ready for serious commitment because of my mental issues, relating to my anxiety problems and such. We hashed it out, respectfully, and I ended up moving back in with my parents.

The few weeks after we broke up are now as much a blur to me as my time when I didn't sleep because of classes and two jobs. Even though the breakup had been on my side and I intellectually felt I was better off without him, it's still a very hard emotional time. I hardly ate anything for the next month and lost about 40 pounds. I constantly felt sick and didn't sleep well either. I quit my overnight job and also stopped going to classes; maintaining the one job was about all I had the strength for. When you've spend so much time with someone, planned so much, the change is so jarring.

This was how I survived:

1) My family. Moving back in with my parents felt like such a blow, but the unconditional love of family really helped me through during this time. They gave me a place to stay and recover (and since I had no rent/utility costs, I could afford to continue paying my medical bills), encouraged me to take part in activities (even simple things like going to the movies, or a family party) continued to make me food even when I didn't eat much of it. Parents are an amazing support base.

2) My dog. I adopted a dog as my 8th grade graduation gift, though I had been unable to take her with to the apartment I shared with my husband, so she had stayed with my parents. From the moment I moved back in, she sensed something was wrong and never left my side whenever I was in the house, whether I was sleeping or eating or showering or whatever. I cried more on her shoulder than anyone else's. She was a rock I could cling to.

3) My friends. Most of my high school and college friends had scattered to the winds, but I still had my 2 best friends who lived in the area, and also friends that I had online. They helped me to move on and to return to the sense of normalcy that I once had. And the online friend I mentioned before that helped me realize that the break-up was the best thing I could do with myself? He's now my husband; we married in September of last year.

4) My hobbies. I did a lot of video gaming during this period, haha. Mostly old favourites that I wanted to play through again to bring me relief. Pokémon was one of those (Sapphire was the one I played through again), and also Lunar and Chrono Trigger and Phoenix Wright. I threw myself into KoL. These were always things that I could do on my own and helped to convince myself that I could still have fun and such even without my ex by my side.

5) Time. The biggest factor. I don't know how long it was until I felt fully back to myself. A few months at least. It didn't help that my ex and I had to see each other from time to time, too. He was still living in the apartment we shared, and I moved out the stuff I needed, but when the lease was up, we had to work together to split up the furniture and all the other things we had together. We decided to try to still be friends*, though it took a while for that to feel normal. Eventually I regained my own sense of myself. I started eating again, meeting new people, enjoying life. Like any form of grief, it just took time to numb the pain so I could move on.

Everything worked out for the best. My ex was able to do all the things that he felt I had held him back from (mostly having an active nightlife, it seems), and I was able to find the right person for me that accepts me for who I am (anxiety issues and all) and that I can have a fully healthy relationship with. The journey was difficult, but I guess the most important ones usually are.

(* - For the record, this failed. It worked for some time, but mostly in the sense that he would turn to me for help when he needed something. I helped him move twice, I helped him with Ikea assembly of his new furniture, I helped him recover from his kidney stone, I helped him when he needed some more staffers for a local anime con. I tried to stay in contact with him, but eventually he stopped responding to my e-mails and removed me from his FB friends list. I don't know why, but I guess it's not much of a loss.)