Writing Secrets of Earth

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Arcticwhite

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
Here I will post my new fictional story
named 'Secrets of Earth'
Front cover:
2mz9vuc.jpg


Blurb:

Multiverses are just theories, and aren't
scientifically proven...Yet.

But then, young girl Nina stumbles across
a whole network of parrallel universes, all connected.
They need Nina's help to stop something that
exists in nothing...
And soon, it will break free, and no one knows
what will happen next...

Ok, time to start!

PART 1:
THE BEGINNING

I believe that there are multiple universes that all coexist with each other, all with different possibilities. But, I have never seen
any proof of this. My name is Nina Sungood,I am 13, and I will tell you something I'll remember forever...

Sunlight beamed through the open curtains. Mum must've come in to clean or something, but I didn't wake up because
I'm a really deep sleeper. Once, I slept for two days straight without waking up. When I did
EVENTUALLY wake up, my bladder felt like it was going to pop, and my stomach felt like
an empty Tesco bag with all the air sucked out of it.

Anyway, I got up sleepily and rubbed the dry, yellowish sleep out of my eyes. I don't
even know where sleep comes from in the first place, but there you go. There is
alot of things in life we don't need, like hiccups.

I walked down the soft stairs (We put down a new carpet that's a teal colour)
down to the living room, where Mum sat, the cat perched on her
lap.
"Finally!" Mum said cheerfully.

"I was worried you were going to 'oversleep' again."

"That was ages ago!"

"Darling, you were twelve. That was last month!"

"Whatever. I'm going to get some breakfast."

The kitchen floor was cold, as it is
made from slate. I looked to see what cereal there is. The usual. Cheerios.

I always get bored of food if I have it twice in a row. But it's too bad when we
have loads of leftovers from Sunday.

After I finish my breakfast, I went back up the stairs
to get ready for school. Our uniform is really boring,
It's just a black jumper with the logo on it, with black trousers
and a white shirt.

There is one teacher at our school who changes the rules of everything
to make it sound like some kinda prison:

No photography, no hoodies, no dying hair, no swearing, no wearing hats inside, no running inside, no water fights.

I can't wait until that teacher retires!

After brushing my teeth, I rushed down the stairs to meet Mum, who stood
there looking slightly annoyed.

"Come on, we're lucky your school's only
three minutes away by car!"

"Sorry, let's go, then."

In the car, Mum always asks me questions about my progress
at school, what lessons I have today and stuff like that.

"What lessons do you have today?" (Told you)

"Maths, PE, Geography, ICT, Spanish."

"Sounds quite boring."

"Yeah, but I like ICT, though I have to sit next to this idiot
who keeps trying to fart on me. I elbowed him once and he fell on the floor."

"Boys are idiots at this age..."

"I wish we had seperate classes to the boys. But I do know a trick..."

"What trick?"

"Well, whenever a boy annoys you, you should ignore them. They get bored
and stop."

The car came to a halt as we parked in to the school car park.

"Bye!"

"Bye Mum."

I came out on the pavement and made my way up to school.
Couldn't see any of my friends, so I went up to my form classroom.
All the boys were there, but no girls.
Suddenly I felt a slight
dizziness, my vision went blurry... Then I collapsed...

I awaken to find my self in Hospital. A nurse was shining a light into my tired eyes.

"Good, you're awake. We were worried you were going into a coma..."

I tried to speak, but no sound came. The nurse brought me some warm water.

"Don't worry, you'll recover soon."

After gathering up energy to speak, I said:

"Wha... what happened to me?"
very hoarsely.

"Well, we don't know. You're mum says you just collapsed without
notice, out of the blue. I think you might need to get alot of sleep...
so, go on home."

Panicking, Mum came in, looking very sweaty, and scared.

"Darling, are you all right? I thought I was going to lose you,
never to see your beautiful green eyes again!" She blurted out.

I just nodded, then tried to stand up. My legs felt like jelly as they struggled to keep
my body weight up, so I stumbled across the room, my arm around Mum.

Arriving home, I stumbled towards the front door of our house.

"I think you'd better get some sleep."

"Ok..."

It was already nine in the evening, that's why it was so dark outside.

Before I got into bed, I gaze at the night sky, seeing billions upon billions of stars.
Mesmerized, I pulled my self back, shut the curtains, and clambered into my warm, soft bed.
Before I knew it, I was asleep.

But then, I had a weird dream:

I was in a forest, at approximately midday,
my head spinning.

I was running away from something not far behing me.
The colours... Green flashes...
I had a backpack, and was wearing my casual clothes. I ran
faster, desperate to get away...
Then, I heard a voice, a kind, soft one that said:
"Welcome... Multiverse... Us..."

When I woke up, I couldn't stop thinking about that strange dream,
I never had one like it before. Those three words?

Welcome...
Multiverse...
Us...

What does it mean? It's probably nothing, just my brain trying to
figure something out. Something weird.

My head was punding, it really hurt.

"Are you okay?" Mum softly said.

" No, I have a really bad headache."

"I'll get you some paracetamol, okay?"

"Mmm hmm."

My head is pounding as I lay it onto the soft, warm pillow. I find myself drifting into the sea of sleep on the S.S. Sweet Dreams...

CHAPTER 1 - FINISHED

Sorry you guys, but I'll not be uploading anymore. Until next time
-Arcticwhite
 
I love the story. But why is there a part about sleeping? Is this story about sleeping?
 
It's kinda like a diary type thing, she
just adds in notes and stuff about her daily
life.

teegrun said:
I love the story. But why is there a part about sleeping? Is this story about sleeping?
Click to expand...

No, it's like a diary. She adds little notes and stuff
to it.
 
If this is a chapter it doesn't meet the 1,000 word requirement, it's not even half that. Another thing you forgot to do a new paragraph when someone new speaks, you might wanna re read the rules. But I shall non the less give you a hard core critique (so Apollo can weep at this amazingness, and beat Zyflair to the punch)

Sunlight beamed through the open curtains. Mum must've come in to clean or something, but (No need for the comma there(
I'm a really deep sleeper. Once, I slept for two days straight without waking up. When I did eventually (Don't use all caps it looks really stupid and isn't proper English) wake up, my bladder felt like it was going to pop, and my stomach felt like an empty Tesco bag with all the air sucked out of it.
Click to expand...

Anyway, I got up sleepily and rubbed the dry, yellowish sleep out of my eyes. I don't
even know where sleep comes from in the first place, but there you go. There is
alot of things in life we don't need, like hiccups. Apparently, when we were apes
millions of years ago, we got food stuck in our gullet because our neck was
near to horizontal, so we had to get it out by hiccuping. I would've thought
that by this time in evoloution, we wouldn't get hiccups anymore.
This stuff just baffles me.
Click to expand...

Everything in bold is completely and absolutely not needed for this story it doesn't contribute anything. Maybe you should have her thing of something such as what style to do her hair today or such.


I walk down the soft stairs (We put down a new carpet that's a teal colour)
down to the living room, where Mum is sat, the cat perching on her
lap. "Finally!" Mum says cheerfully. "I was worried you were going to 'oversleep' again."
"That was ages ago!" "Darling, you were twelve. That was last month!"
[NEW PARAGRAPH]
"Whatever. I'm going to get some breakfast." The kitchen floor is cold, as it is
made from slate , I look to see what cereal there is. The usual , Cheerios.
Click to expand...

Now about your second one (which should be combined with the first one)

There is one teacher at our school who changes the rules of everything
to make it sound like some kinda prison: (You don't need a new paragraph for this.)
NO PHOTOGRAPHY
ALL SHOES MUST BE PLAIN BLACK, NO BUCKLES OR LOGOS
NO HOODIES
NO DYING HAIR
NO JEWELLERY
NO SWEARING
NO WATER FIGHTS
THREE LATES TO CLASS AND YOU GET A DETENTION WITH HEAD OF YEAR.
Thankyou.
Click to expand...


Everything in Bold needs to be non caps, and put together a lot better as if it was a list. It should look something like this.

[quote = The way I would write it:]
There is one teacher at our school who changes the rules of everything
to make it sound like some kinda prison: no photography, all shoes must be black, no logo's no buckles, no hoodies, no unusual hair colors There's certain things people can do to there hair and the teacher won't notice) , no jewelry, no swearing, no water fights, three tardies to a class and you get detention with head of the year. [/quote]

This is much more organized and has much better grammar.

You also should work on sentence structure and combining sentences (no offense but some of them remind me of a first graders work)
 
I'm telling you know that if I showed this to my
English teacher at my school she'll give me
level 6A which is AWESOME.

I also think it's creative. I mean, this is a thirteen year old girl's DIARY.
Not a school book report.

I always write like this at school, and I'm in the top English class next
year. No one at school has ever criticized my English work,
not on grammar, spellings etc.

So sorry, I'll change some things, but not alot, OK?

And, anyway, I am doing chapters, but in sections. Both those sections up
there are going to be a part of one chapter with other sections.
 
Yes, well English teachers aren't as harsh on kids that are 12... Believe me, I had a few college professors who teach English look over one of my works for a state competition, and I got it back, not a single sentence was untouched :/

I never said it wasn't creative, I actually like the fact that you are writing a thirteen year old girls diary, and if it was a school book report, it would be about a book ;)

You are going to have to be more specific on what you are gonna change

Also, posting it in sections will make this thread cluttered and hard for everyone to read, so update the OP (Original Post) with the chapters, and post them as a whole, it works a lot better trust me.
 
Ok, then.

Actually, some people in my English class aren't
happy with thier lkevels because the teachers didn't give them a good level.
There are level 3s in my class...

Thanks for your opinion, by the way. I did think it would get
cluttered, so I'll sort that out sooner or later...
 
Martini basically covered anything I woule have said, sans the color tag issue I mentioned before via profile message. If anybody can be a harsh critic, it is me (especially if you catch or put me in a bad mood). Under normal circumstances, I would lock this because of the apparently short chapters and the numerous spelling/grammar errors already mentioned. However, you've already been lectured on them, so I'll just keep an eye on this to see how it turns out. It isn't a particularly bad story, but it does need work.
 
Yeah, sometimes I type too fast and make lots of spelling mistakes,
and I miss words or letters, sometimes I put too many letters in.

Tell me if you see something that I can change.

Thanks!
 
> Wants to beat me to the punch with a "hard core critique."
> Doesn't even write 300 words in it.

Martini said:
Sunlight beamed through the open curtains. Mum must've come in to clean or something, but (No need for the comma there(
I'm a really deep sleeper.
Click to expand...
Martini, if you don't know comma rules, don't go correcting other people's comma usage; you're giving them incorrect information. That's compound sentence, and thus it needs a comma in it.

Anyway, Arcticwhite, was it? People already covered most of your story, but I'd like to let you know now: the Writing Corner is not like your English class. There's a number of us with more writing experience that frequent the place. Even if you claim to be the big fish of your pond, welcome to the ocean. That said, our objective here is to help you write better, so we are fine with your works as long as you get them to improve. Proofreading your work and fixing the spelling and grammar errors in your story is an important aspect of writing (such a shame that someone here would proofread someone else's work and wouldn't proofread his own, hint hint).

That's really it for me; there's not much to this basic opening, and the S/G is covered, so when you post the next chapter, I'll probably say something more substatial.

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair.
 
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