Writing Pokemon: Age of War

Kamara12

The Lucario Girl
Member
Prologue

“What do you mean he’s dead?” Amber growled, pacing back and forth on her raised platform. She was speaking to a Blaziken who was kneeling before her in respect.

“My queen, the details are very limited,” the Blaziken said, respectfully. “Apparantly, High King Joran was murdered in his castle and the assailant has identified himself as Nightmane. He has not stated what kingdom he belongs to and all of his guards are kept silent. He has assumed role of high king now. That’s all we know of.”

Amber stopped pacing and then looked at him. In a calmer tone, she said, “Very well. Where are my elites?”

“They are doing other things at the moment,” said Blaziken. “If I may ask, what is your proposal?”

“An investigation,” answered Amber. “We shall question the other kingdoms to find out who Nightmane is. He has to have an allegiance. No rogue could have taken the High King without support from somewhere. Only the elites have my trust in a successful mission.”

“Very well, I shall go now,” Blaziken replied. He rose to his feet and nodded respectfully. “General Zaron, reporting out.” At that. He turned and departed the room.

When Zaron had left, Amber let out a sigh and went back into her room, where she laid on her fur bed and let her thoughts go free. I had only been the queen for only two moons she thought. How could I prevent a civil war now? She knew the Volcano Kingdom was a proud and powerful one and they could handle themselves in any battle, but what if the confusion spreads through them and they become enemies of themselves?

She wished her father was still alive. Crow would have known how to handle it, she thought. Yet, I can’t dwell on the past. I am the queen of this kingdom, I have to be strong.

Amber then stood up and got out of bed. She flicked her tail and walked over to the balcony of her castle, which overlooked a seemingly endless field of gold. In the horizon, she could see mountains rising, which signaled the end of her kingdom and the beginning of the Mountain Kingdom. Suddenly, she felt a tear fall from her eyes as she gazed at the sky.

“Oh, father, what am I to do?” she asked out loud.






Chapter One

Jacen studied his target closely, as if it would move at any instant. His target was a grey boulder about 5 feet tall and 3 feet wide. It almost dwarfed him, being he was a 4 foot 11 inch Rogon. His fur was completely black, except for the silver on his hands and feet.

He narrowed his blue eyes and clenched one of his fists. As if expected, the fist caught fire and he pulled it back. Concentrating on a particular spot, he punched the boulder with all of his might, hoping it would shatter beneath his power. However, the boulder only made a slight crack and Jacen straightened back up.

“You would never shatter anything with that attack,” came a familiar voice from behind Jacen. The Rogon turned to see Shade leaning against the wall in a relaxed posisition, his eyes closes and a smirk on his face. The Bisharp then got off the wall and looked at Jacen.

“Oh, and I suppose you can do better,” remarked Jacen. Shade resumed the smirk and held up one of his bladed hands.

“Hmm, watch and learn, ninja boy,” Shade said. With that, the Bisharp charged straight at the boulder. In an instant, the boulder was struck with Shade’s punch and crumbled into pieces of gravel.

“Show off,” Jacen replied. “I bet you can’t beat me any day.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” Shade asked. “Well, it might give me a workout before our meeting. You go first.”

“Wait, meeting?” Jacen asked.

“You didn’t hear,” Shade replied. “All of the elite warriors in the Volcano Kingdom are to report to Queen Amber’s chambers. The general is getting all of them as we speak.”

“Wow, well, let’s make this quick,” Jacen said. His fist caught fire and he swung at Shade’s head. Shade smirked and ducked the punch. His bladed fist then came up and performed an uppercut that struck Jacen in the jaw. The force of the punch sent Jacen flying into the air, but Jacen quickly recovered.

“Hmph, you are quite good, despite your slowness,” Shade remarked. Jacen smirked and came charging once again at Shade, who stood there unmoving.

Jacen then lept into the air and did a backflip over Shade, who spun around just as Jacen strck him in the face with his foot. Shade stumbled backwards, clenching his face. The Rogon smirked again and quickly built on Shade’s distaraction, making his fist catch fire and delivering a direct blow to the Bishsharp’s face. Shade flew across the ground and hit the wall.

Just then, the door opened up to the chamber. Jacen turned to see General Zaron standing in the doorway, looking at them both.

“You are requested in the Queen’s chambers immediately,” the Blaziken said in a very commanding voice. Shade recovered himself and walked over to Jacen. “Your sparring match can resume later on. Until then, the others are waiting for you.”

“Yes sir,” they both said, nodding their heads in respect. They both followed the Blaziken out of the Training Chamber formally.

After venturing through the many walkways that made up the castle, the three of them arrived at the Queen’s Chamber, which was marked by a large golden door with the kingdom’s seal, a bloodred volcano, imprinted on it. General Zaron was first to enter and the other two followed him inside.

There were a total of fifteen other warriors positioned within the red-walled chamber. Most of them were fire types, though there were other types in the group. Three Excadrill stood guard near the left wall along with a Tyrogue. A group of four Heatmor and four Typlosions stood on the right wall. In the center stood a Ninetales flanked by a Houndoom and Arcanine. They each stood battle-ready and silent.

“My Queen, I have summoned them all,” Zaron said, kneeling down. As if on instinct, the rest of them knelt foreward as Amber entered the chamber and stood upon the golden raised platform. She was a young Houndoom in her prime years. Her horns were medium-sized and polished. She had black hair that was obviously well-groomed.

“Greetings, my warriors,” said the queen, her voice calm and soothing. “I am here because something major happened. High King Joran has been murdered and the culprit of the murder has identified himself as Nightmane. He has claimed himself the new High King, but I will not allow it. His intention, in my opinion, is to spread chaos across the five kingdoms. I have decided to take action against this Nightmane character. I need seven volunteers to take part in a mission. We need to venture to each kingdom and find out just who sent Nightmane to kill him. I know he has an allegience to one kingdom, for no rogue could take High King's life without assistance. We will invesiagate this before any blood is shed. Now, any volunteers?”
 
Okay, back with another critique! :D

Apparently, High King Joran was murdered in his castle and the assailant has identified himself as Nightmane.

It seems you misspelled 'apparently' there. No worries, just fix it and it'll look good!

His target was a grey boulder about 5 feet tall and 3 feet wide. It almost dwarfed him, being he was a 4 foot 11 inch Rogon.

This may seem like more of a personal preference, but I think it would be a great change to see if those numerical measurements were replaced with actual words in contrast to numerals. Though, I've witnessed a few writers here write it out like that, however, most of the writers I've observed (at least from my perspective) tend to avoid using numbers and utilize words instead. Either method, both are fine so experiment on what you think works for you.

a direct blow to the Bisharp’s face.

Just a little minor error I detected. Patched it up for you.

who spun around just as Jacen struck him in the face with his foot.

Yet, another minor mistake I noticed.

We will investigate this before any blood is shed.

This is a spelling mistake I also noticed. I fixed it for you, so all you have to do is edit in the corrections.


Overall, this is actually a great introduction to the whole story! The description of the setting and events could be a little more detailed, but generally, it's excellently crafted. There was no issues with dialogue composition and pacing, so everything is well of to a great start!

Looking forward to more chapters, Kamara!

Peace out.
 
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