My first epic Fan fic:  Shawn's Quest.  PLEASE RATE! 

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shard79

Elite Trainer
Member
Here is my Fan Fic.  I hope you like it!
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                                               CHAPTER 1



Shawn rolled around on his mattress aimlessly, his hands grabbing at his messy, brown hair.  Tommorow was his 12th birthday, the day he
Becomes a trainer.  He couldn’t start when he was ten or eleven because his Mom didn’t think
He was ready.  “C’mon!  Let me sleep!” He muttered, staring at the ceiling.  He pulled out his
Trainer guide.  He scanned the pages, reading chapter 1: Trainers hand book intro.  He
Continued reading until sleep overcame him.

7:00.  Morning.  Mukuru, Mukubird and Mukuhawk where singing in large groups throughout Twinleaf town.  Shawn drooled on his pillow.

He awoke the next morning with a grin on his face, swinging him self out of bed.  He ran to his
Dresser and pulled on his gray jeans, his black t-shirt with the poke-ball decoration and combed his hair.  He put on his ankle-socks
and yanked on his black bracelet on his left wrist.

Shawn went down the stairs, two at a time, into the kitchen.  He threw two pieces of bread in the toaster
And got out the butter.  He washed his hands and dried them off just in time for the toast to pop.
Shawn threw them on his plate in a hurry, jabbing on the butter in chunks.  He eat it all in 2 minutes flat,
Running down the stairs into the living room and into the downstairs kitchen.  He said his goodbyes to his Mom
And grabbed his gray back pack with the pokeball design.  Shawn put in a sleeping bag, water, a few pecha berrys,
And ran out the door.

He realized he forgot his shoes and ran back to the house, throwing on his black and white checkered shoes with the tan bottoms.

Making quick use of a checklist, he made sure he hadn’t forgotten any thing.  He wasn’t in the house 5 minutes,
a new record for lazy Shawn.  Shawn quickly became tired of running, stopping to catch his breath.  He ran again, this time a little farther.

He stopped.  A cry from a nearby alleyway almost sent him into the nearby fountain.  “Pichu Pi!”  Shawn heard.  He rushed to the scene of the cry.
A group of Subomi where huddled around something, intensing Shawn’s curiousity.  A baby male Pichu was huddled by the wall.
The subomi where apparently annoying the baby pokemon.  Shawn muttered, “I’m going to regret this,” and with that, he jumped into the subomi
Group, tearing the seed-like green pokemon away.  The Pichu looked on with pleasure, instantly taking a liking to Shawn.

After the mid-morning rumble was over, Shawn ran to Proffesor Oak’s lab, recently relocated to the Sinnoh region.  Oak still had his lab
In Kanto, switching back and forth to research the Sinnoh Pokemon and bring some back to the Kanto region.

Shawn bursted through the glass doors.  Oak immediately turned around.  “Shawn, is it?”  Oak said, walking torward Shawn.
Shawn cleared his throat.  “Yes, proffesor.”  He responded.  “Shawn, listen.  This is a very bad time, I’m sorry to say.  All the starters have
Recently been taken!”  Oak continued.  Shawn sighed.  Shawn said it’s okay.  Before Shawn left, however, Oak gave him a pokedex and pokeballs.

Shawn wasn’t outside two seconds and their was Pichu, standing at his feet.  Shawn crouched.  “What is it, Pichu?”
Said Shawn, petting the Pichus furry yellow head.  “Pi Pichu!”  The little creature jumped and smacked his new pokeball belt,
Sending the five pokeballs rolling on the ground.  Shawn picked up four, but Pichu kept one.  Shawn’s brain finally woke up.
“You want to come with me, is that it?”  Shawn asked, folding his legs crisscrossed.  Pichu became overjoyed with the idea.  It
jumped on to Shawn’s shoulder, giving back the pokeball.  “Okay, let’s go!”   And so they set out to Twinleaf town forest.

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End of chapter 1.  PLEASE COMMENT!
                                        CHAPTER 2



Weavile, a black furred pokemon with a fanlike head and a human like body sprinted through the forest, word of a trainer spread already.  
The Weaviles of this forest always battled trainers at the exit of this forest, most cases the trainer losing.  This Weavile had Shawn.


Weavile stood on a high branch, looking for the trainer.  Their was Shawn, walking into the forest.
Weavile smiled.  He ran down the tree, jumped off, ran forward, and jumped into a bush.

“Nice.  A forest.”  Shawn said, happy to be out of the city.  “Pi Pichu!”  Pichu agreed.

Chatot where singing, Aipoms where swinging from trees.  A very lively forest.

Shawn wandered about, glancing all around.  He was a city person, didn’t get out much.

Weavile followed Shawn from the bushes, getting pumped up for the battle.  Shawn got curious again, his
personality getting the better of him.  “Hey, Pichu, do you know any attacks?”  Pichu shook his head.
“Oh.”  Said Shawn, sighing.

A giant mess of branchs stood before them, blocking their way.  Shawn pulled out his pokenav, which
He picked up at twinleaf.  “Oh.  We should have turned over their.”  Shawn said, a little agrevated with himself.

Pichu, all of a sudden, started sparking.  Pichu rammed into the branchs surrounded by lightning, breaking them all.
Pichu blinked helplessly, shocked.  Shawn felt the same way.  Shawn recognized it as volt tackle.

“Good job, Pichu!”  

Weavile frowned.  Now Pichu knows an attack.

Shawn, with Pichu on his shoulder, continued through the forest.  “Finally!  The end!”  The end of the forest was in sight.

It was time.

A tree fell in front of Shawn, a Weavile with it’s left hand thrusted forward after it, it’s hand shining from using metal claw.

As Weavile landed, the metal claw wore off.  Weavile motioned for Pichu to bring it on, luckly this Weavile was weak.
“Go, Pichu!”  Pichu jumped into the air, landing on the ground.  “PICHU!”  It said.  Weavile charged forward.  He charged metal claw,
slamming it into the ground where Pichu was just standing.  It’s claw was stuck, and it’s three and a half foot body was trying to yank it out.

“Pichu!  Now!  Volt Tackle!”  Shawn roared.  In mid-air, Pichu charged downward, hitting Weavile.  Weavile had very little energy left
considering it was weak.  Shawn got an idea.  On Shawn’s command, Pichu taunted Weavile.  Weavile charged-slower this time-with metal claw,
getting it’s claw stuck in the ground again.

“GO!  Pokeball!”  Shawn thrust a pokeball at the Weavile, hitting it and engulfing it in red.  It was consumed by the ball, which fell
onto the grass and started shaking and beeping.  Shawn hoped.  Hoped.  Hoped.  Ding.  Shawn caught Weavile!

“YAH!”  Shawn screamed.  This was the first trainer Weavile took, so it’s group was watching.  As Shawn left the forest,
A group of 7 some Weavile jumped out of the bushes, lead by a shiny Weavile.  The shiny Weavile’s pink fur and yellow fan-head brustled in the wind.

The Shiny Weavile smirked, happy to be rid of the weak Weavile.


Dont worry, theirs an intense pokemon battle in chapter four, so dont lose intrest!
                                       Chapter 3

Twinleaf town, again.  Shawn made a wrong turn and went in the wrong direction.  
Pichu yawned.  It was pretty late for the baby pokemon, Shawn decideing to crash
At the Twinleaf Spa, Restraunt and Hotel.

Shawn pushed open the double doors, walking across the tan carpet.  On the far
Wall, their was a long counter, a few receptionists behind it.  “Hello.  Welcome to
Twinleaf Hotel.  Are you checking in?”  Said a smiling lady..  “Yes.” Answered Shawn.

Shawn checked in.  The receptionist said, “Thank you!”  And handed Shawn a silver
Key marked 889.

Shawn turned and walked into the elevator.  He punched in floor 37, where his room was located.
The elavater dinged as it went up.  Pichu squealed, but eventually enjoyed it.  Ding.  Floor 37.

Shawn walked out of the elevator, stroding down the aisle and passing many other trainers, including their pokemon:
Kirlia, Munchlax, Sneasel and many more.  Shawn started looking at door numbers.  879, 880, 881…
889. Shawn jabbed the key in the keyhole, turned, and pushed the door inward.  Their was a king sized bed, a T.V.,
A phone, a bathroom door, a coffe table, and a refrigerator.   “Nice place.”  Shawn told Pichu.  “PI Pichu!”  the yellow
Pokemon squealed in joy.

Shawn walked over to the bed side table he just noticed now, looking at the digital alarm clock.  6:00 P.M.  Shawn
Walked over too the laudry pile, where a fresh stack of towels and pillows lay.  Shawn took a pillow and tossed it
Onto the king sized bed for Pichu to sleep on.

“Hey, how about some dinner?”  Shawn asked.  “Pichu!”  said Pichu, nodding it’s large head.

Shawn raced out of the room, into the elevater, ran across the lobby and into the restraunt.

A tall man with thin, gray hair in a tuxedo stood behind a desk.  “Table for two, one person one Pokemon.”
Said Shawn.  “Hmm.”  The man nodded.  “Follow me, sir.”  Said the waiter in a British accent.

“I am your waiter, Robert.”  Said Robert, without turning his head.  He led them into a large room packed with tables, people, and Pokemon.

  A small table was where Shawn sat.  “Anything to drink, sir?”  Robert asked.  “Sure.  Um…orange soda for me, please, and milk for Pichu.”
Robert smiled and walked away.  A few minutes later, he returned with their drinks, asking what they would like their meals to be.

“A moo-moo milk cheese pizza for me, and a happy playtime meal for Pichu.”  Said Shawn.

20 minutes later, Robert returned.  Shawn rubbed his hands together and eat.  Pichu eat slow, small bites.  They ordered their desert, payed the bill, and walked out.

Shawn went on the familiar path to his room.  He noticed it was 9:00 p.m., and went to bed.

COMMENT!
 
RE: Fan fic:  Shawn's Quest

Chapter 4


An annoying beeping noise was echoing from the lobby.  It woke Shawn up.

Shawn turned and looked at the alarm clock.  1:00 a.m.  The noise got louder.

Shawn, his curiosity getting the better of him, put on his gray jeans, his ankle socks,
His bracelet, his black poke ball t-shirt, and his black and white checkered shoes.  He also belted
On his poke ball belt, Weavile’s ball in easy reach.  Shawn told Pichu to stay there.

Shawn crept down the hall, into the elevator.  He went to the first floor.  He heard
Voices.  As soon as the elevator opened, he dove to the right, into a somersault,
And hid behind the potted plants.

Shawn pushed his head up, so only his eyes and up were above the bushes.
Men and women in red shirts with hoods and gray skirts and shorts were
Spread around the lobby.  Most of them had Pokemon.

“Team Magma!”  Shawn muttered, remembering them from his trainer hand
book.  It said they were strong.

Shawn knew what he had to do.  He threw Weavile’s poke ball out in front of the
Bushes, attracting attention.  Shawn jumped out, in mid air saying “Go! Metal claw!”

The attack took out a houndour in one hit, and damaged a mightyana.  
“Mightyana!  Shadow ball!”  the mightyana’s trainer commanded.

Shawn dident know what to do in a time like this, his jump-too-
Conclusions attitude didn’t allow him to think about THEM attacking.

A bead of sweet trickled its self in a wavy line down Weavile’s head.

All of a sudden, concentration and power burned in Weavile’s red eyes.
He launched a black ball with a purple core and outlining, surrounded by purple static.

It hit mightyana’s shadow ball, just now Shawn realizing they were the same
Attack.  They created an explosion, smoke erupting everywhere.  

Shawn muttered a plan to Weavile, taking advantage of the smoke.

Weavile ran forward, up to the border of the smoke.  He jumped onto
The wall, ran as fast as he could, and fired shadow balls to his side,
Into the smoke, along his way.  The smoke cleared.

Trainers and Pokemon alike were spread around the large room.
Weavile’s Shadow ball hit it’s targets apparently only half the time, a good amount dodged.

Weavile was cornered by mightyana, camerupt, and one gablias.  Gablias charged with the other
Pokemon behind him.  Weavile stood his ground.


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To be continued…


COMMENT!  PLEASE!
 
RE: Fan fic:  Shawn's Quest

Chapter 4


An annoying beeping noise was echoing from the lobby. It woke Shawn up.

Shawn turned and looked at the alarm clock. 1:00 a.m. The noise got louder.

Shawn, his curiosity getting the better of him, put on his gray jeans, his ankle socks,
His bracelet, his black poke ball t-shirt, and his plain, black shoes. He also belted
On his poke ball belt, Weavile’s ball in easy reach. Shawn told Pichu to stay there.

Shawn crept down the hall, into the elevator. He went to the first floor. He heard
Voices. As soon as the elevator opened, he dove to the right, into a somersault,
And hid behind the potted plants.

Shawn pushed his head up, so only his eyes and up were above the bushes.
Men and women in red shirts with hoods and gray skirts and shorts were
Spread around the lobby. Most of them had Pokemon.

“Team Magma!” Shawn muttered, remembering them from his trainer hand
book. It said they were strong.

Shawn knew what he had to do. He threw Weavile’s poke ball out in front of the
Bushes, attracting attention. Shawn jumped out, in mid air saying “Go! Metal claw!”

The attack took out a houndour in one hit, and damaged a mightyana.
“Mightyana! Shadow ball!” the mightyana’s trainer commanded.

Shawn dident know what to do in a time like this, his jump-too-
Conclusions attitude didn’t allow him to think about THEM attacking.

A bead of sweet trickled its self in a wavy line down Weavile’s head.

All of a sudden, concentration and power burned in Weavile’s red eyes.
He launched a black ball with a purple core and outlining, surrounded by purple static.

It hit mightyana’s shadow ball, just now Shawn realizing they were the same
Attack. They created an explosion, smoke erupting everywhere.

Shawn muttered a plan to Weavile, taking advantage of the smoke.

Weavile ran forward, up to the border of the smoke. He jumped onto
The wall, ran as fast as he could, and fired shadow balls to his side,
Into the smoke, along his way. The smoke cleared.

Trainers and Pokemon alike were spread around the large room.
Weavile’s Shadow ball hit it’s targets apparently only half the time, a good amount dodged.

Weavile was cornered by mightyana, camerupt, and one gablias. Gablias charged with the other
Pokemon behind him. Weavile stood his ground.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued…


COMMENT! PLEASE!
 
RE: Fan fic:  Shawn's Quest

Uh you did Ch. 4 twice.

Oh and I believe you need to put "hand book" as "hand-book". Not sure though. :/

Arcanine out.
 
This is a good fan fic, my only suggestion is to make it flow a bit better. For example, most of your sentences are very short and the story moves along far too quickly. I know it's tempting to rush into all the interesting stuff when typing up a story, but try to slow it down a bit.

Apart from that, good :]
 
I agree with bacon. You don't have to rush through the story. I you made it flow better it would an amazing story. I'm not saying it's not good now, but just try to fix it up a bit.
 
What would be better is another main character ! I'll be the main character, and help you

Name: Dawn
Hobby: Gym Challenger and Contest Coordinator
Pokemon: Pikachu (female), Pachirisu, Empoleon, Shiny Umberon, Shiny Ninetales and Mismagus
Bio: A young entergetic female who is not afraid of challenges. Fights to the last second, but accepts losses and moves on.
 
Name:Lance
Hobby:Top Trainer and coordinator
Pokemon: Piplup,Lopunny,Staraptor,Roserade,Typhlosion,and Luxray.
Bio: Smart and funny
Me too! There is always three main characters!
 
Guys, this thread is several months old... please look at the date of the most recent posts in the thread before posting in it. If there is a 2 week gap between any of the posts, please do not post in that thread.
 
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