Writing Hope (Not a Pokémon Fanfic) Chapter 2 now up!

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
It's been a while since I've written a proper story and posted it on here, and I've been developing one recently I would like to share. Basically, it's a horror/thriller thing, and has gore, violence and threat. I have actually had to modify this version to post on here due to the amount of bad language I put in there (I didn't even realise as I was writing it!), so basically this is a 'clean' version.

Synopsis: 5 years in the future, humanity has been brought to its knees. With over half of the world's population dead, or infected with a notorious worm like parasite, a group of teenagers struggle through day to day life in a decimated Britain as they depend on each other and their skills to survive. And when the unthinkable happens, will they be able to find any signs of hope in a barren wasteland?

So, here's chapter 1 so far (it's pretty long!)

Nobody was willing to go out for supplies that day. We had already lost so much in the winter cold, so we stayed within the safe perimeters of the abandoned office building. It creaked and groaned with the weight of the prevailing wind outside, as if it was about to collapse. We huddled in a tight circle around the fire in the centre of the room; leaning into its warmth with our hands. No one dared to say anything- there was nothing we could say.

Instead, we just flashed empathetic looks at each other. There were too many words to say, we just couldn’t speak anymore. A few coughs broke the silence as the wind howled against the thin, broken windows. I sighed, pulling the soft blanket further across my shoulders. After some thought, I finally summoned up the courage to speak.

“How much food we got left?” I cleared my throat.

“Few cans of beans, and some pasta. Enough for a few more days” The skinny boy with mottled dark hair glanced at the stack of crates in the corner of the room.

“We can’t live like this forever.” The somewhat tall ginger girl placed her face in her palms, staring emotionlessly into the flickering flame.

“But we can make it through this blizzard. Just a few more days now and it’ll be gone. Don’t worry.” I said as I slowly got up to look out of the window.

We’ll make it. I whispered to myself as I gently pulled the remains of the curtain back, peering into the cool blue glow of the early morning. The blizzard was slowing down, so I decided that if the weather was nice, I’d go out hunting.

“Guess we’d better get some sleep then.” I turned around; crouching to the floor and placing my blanket over the damp, worn out carpet.

I placed my bag and my coat beneath my head to substitute as a pillow, but that made it no less easy to sleep. My hands shook frantically, but they weren’t cold. It was because of what happened all those years ago. I never mention it to the others, because they don’t dare to ask me about it anymore. Ever since then, my mind had been cleaned of all empathy. It’s like I’m on autopilot; doing whatever’s necessary to keep going. Even if it is at the expense of others.
I forced my eyes shut, trying not to think about it. The problem is, I’m just too afraid to sleep. Because when I sleep, visions of the past arrive; my memories cloaked in blood and bullets.

You have do it... Please Kassie... For us... For me...
No! I can’t!
Before it’s too late!
No!
Kassie!


“No!” I screamed as I woke up, sweating and shaking. The others were used to this by now. Especially Beth. She had been with me ever since she found me living off rats in the streets after everything went down six years ago. I am forever thankful for that, but I still have the nightmares to this very day.
Josh -the skinny, tall boy- sat by the fire stirring a can of beans. He put on a fake smile for me as I came over to sit by him and Beth.
Josh was very secretive; I met him when me and Beth were scavenging for food in the streets and buildings. He was only 9, but he had found an entire stash of beans. He didn’t say anything to us, but instead, he smiled and held out a can of pineapples. I was just 8, constantly crying for my parents and for my family. I was starving during that particular week, so he led us to this little hideout in an abandoned shopping centre just outside the city. Back then he still had his parents living with him, but they disappeared 4 years ago without a trace. To this day, he doesn’t say much about his past life. But that’s okay with me.
We all sat around the fire, eating our beans and pasta with old pieces of cutlery and wooden sticks.
The blizzard had died down, so it was time to hunt.
After eating, I immediately picked up my hunting rifle and coat, hoping to find us a fresh source of protein.

“You heading out?” Beth looked up at me, raising her left eyebrow.

“Yeah. Gonna look for some food. It’d be nice to have some meat tonight.” I laughed.

I then nodded at Beth and Josh before opening the stiff door to the cold forest outside.
I loaded up my rifle, and moved slowly and quietly through the trees. The snow was about 2 foot deep, and crunched down every time I stood into it. My face sneered every time it did so; an animal could probably hear me from yards away. I then decided it would be best to shuffle through the snow, making much less noise. I saw some large bird footprints in the snow, so I began to trace them around hoping to find the animal. They looked fresh, and a hopeful sign of food.
The breeze brushed gently through the branches of the leafless trees as grey clouds formed in the distance. There was a strange ambience in the air; the peacefulness was exuberating. I had never felt so calm in months, possibly years. Every day had been a fight for survival, and now, it’s like all that has just disappeared. Crisp and cool, the wind blew gently, scattering light snowflakes across the forest. I breathed heavily and watched my breath evaporate into thin air. I pulled my rifle off my back and held it tightly with my pale hands. If I didn’t kill anything today, we’d run out of our non-perishing goods a lot quicker than we hope.

I suddenly heard a rustle amongst the bushes to my left. I swiftly turned and pointed my gun into it. I slowly walked over to it, peering through the leaves. There was a group of pheasants foraging for food amongst the fallen leaves within the snow. I crouched down into the snow, hoping they wouldn’t see or hear me. My breath became silent. My hands steadied. I lifted my rifle up and aimed it at a large male pheasant. It was the fattest of the group, and if I missed, it would be the slowest to get away. I calmed myself and waited for the right moment to shoot. The pheasant edged closer, unaware of my presence. I fired my gun, kicking me back slightly. The other birds fled the area quickly, squawking and flapping frantically to try and get away. Once they were gone, I stood up and walked over to my kill. The pure white snow had now been stained with blood; an array of feathers drifted across the ground. I picked up the pheasant by its neck, holding it tightly.

“I’m sorry.” I said, scanning the bird of its size.

“But I have to do this.” I swung my rifle back across my shoulder, and tied the pheasant to my belt. Its blood was warm as it seeped through my muddy jeans.
As I walked back, I began to quicken my pace. If there was a noise, I would cower for a moment. Although it had been a while since I actually saw a parasite, I never want to see one again.

The first parasite I ever saw was my mother. My father and I had suspected she had the parasite growing inside her; she lost her appetite and lashed out on us all the time. She then begged us to take her away before it’s too late. She told us to kill her.

“You have do it... Please Kassie... For us... For me...” She coughed. Blood ran down her face from her mouth.
I kept telling her no to the point I was screaming.
“Kassie! Please! Before it’s too late!” She shouted at me.
I held the knife out, but I couldn’t look. Then she came up to me and stood before me, holding her arms out.
“I love you Kassie. Please don’t blame yourself” She said. I closed my eyes as she hugged me for the last time, only opening them to find her blood running down my hands.
I couldn’t move. I stood there for a while, shaking and pale, still holding out the knife...


***​

As I neared the abandoned building, I wiped the growing tears away from my eyes and held the knife that was in my back pocket. When I arrived, the others gathered around me and asked me what took me so long. I lied to them and said that the pheasant tried to run away.
I untied it and held it up to them. They nodded at me and smiled.

“Sunday roast?” Josh laughed as he took the pheasant from me.

“I suppose I could roast this and boil some pasta.” He then said in a more serious tone.
I shrugged, and headed inside. My hands warmed up by the fire as Josh plucked and de-gutted the dead bird.

“Whoa, this guy’s huge. Nice one, Kassie.” He smiled as he plucked at the reddened feathers.

“We could actually use these feathers... Good insulator.” Josh added, smiling slightly.
Beth smiled, and then turned to face me.

“I know what you’re thinking about. And trust me; it’s not going to do you any good. It’s not your fault.” She said sternly.

“I know... But... Why me?” I sighed.

“You weren’t the only one. Everyone lost nearly everything. Including me.” Beth glared at me through the dancing flames of the fire.

“But... Where did the parasite even come from?” I furrowed my eyebrows.

“God knows. Some say it’s billions of years old. Others think it’s an alien. I don’t even care. Its’ out there and its’ gonna kill us all. I hate to say it Kassie, but I don’t think we’ll even survive for another year.” She sighed.

“But we’re here, now, and we’re alive. Ever since I was a little girl, you took care of me. Ever since the world died out, you’ve been my family!” I nearly shouted.

Beth didn’t say anything else. She just sighed and went back to watching the fire, throwing in twigs and pieces of wood to keep it burning.
I breathed heavily through my nose, and pulled out the knife. I kept it sharp. And it was still stained with blood. I use it to make them pay... Make them all pay... The humans, the parasites...

“Alright, pheasant’s ready.” Josh carried over the large bird on top of a piece of cardboard along with some pasta.

My stomach grumbled; it had been a while since I’ve had a proper meal.
“Thank you, Josh” I said gratefully.

He nodded at me and sniffed at the meat. He handed us some old plates and cutlery, and then produced us some even portions of food.
No one spoke as we ate; we were too starving to care about words. The meat was delicious and tender, the best food I’ve had in years. The pheasant was succulent and juicy; it didn’t need to be seasoned to taste good.
As I wiped the remaining pieces of meat off my plate, there was a piercing screeching coming from outside. I dropped my plate onto the ground and rushed towards the window, leaning against a wooden beam. Beth threw water over the fire, and threw me my rifle.

We all waited silently. I leaned quietly to peer cautiously out of the window.
There it was... Howling and hissing in agony. Red tendrils extended from its victims torso; a middle aged man whose entire body became contorted and grotesque from the parasite living within him. Its mouth opened and closed as if in desperate need for sustenance, its many rows of teeth twisted and gritted along the host’s mouth, that was split down the middle of the host’s putrid body. It lashed around, dripping with blood and occasionally writhing in pain. Its heat seeking tendrils rose up towards the third floor of the building; where we waited anxiously. Although the parasite couldn’t see or hear, its tendrils used infrared to see prey instead.
I held my rifle low, pointing towards the ground. Beth leaned right up against the other side of the window, and loaded up her revolver. Our breaths became heavy and panicked, but soon faded away as the parasite wandered off back into the forest.
Beth sighed and dropped to the floor in exasperation.

“How did it find its way here?” Josh sat heavily onto the floor.

“It must’ve just wandered over as it detected the heat from the fire... If there’s one then more should be in the area. We might have to move again.” I looked over the trees, checking if there were anymore.

“Right. I’ll get the stuff ready. We can leave at dawn.” Beth drew her breath and stood up, grabbing our bags and supplies, placing them all in a corner.

“Uh, night...?” I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

“No. I don’t need to sleep again. You can sleep, but I’m keeping my guard up.” Beth dragged a wooden stool towards the window and sat down, bringing up her revolver and aiming it outside.

“Right... Ok...” I went over to the right side of the room and lay down my thin blanket, edging it closer to the fire.

I lay down on the blanket, yet it still felt like the hard, crusted, dusty carpet beneath it.

It’s going to be a long day tomorrow... Re-locating... Once again... We probably won’t find a secure place until next week...

Please comment/critique as it will help me improve and motivate me to continue with this story :p
Oh, and if I have missed out any bad language, please let me know!
 
RE: Hope (Not a Pokémon fanfic!)

This first chapter was very interesting! I really like how you limited the characters to only three; the fewer the characters, the more the development. I do have a couple of suggestions, both content-wise and grammatically.

Content / Appearance: I think you should try to double space the story. If you scroll through some of the others, you'll see the difference. Furthermore, don't be afraid to describe things more! I find myself bored with too much description, but the more balance you have between dialogue and description, the more mature your story will look. Also, italicizing some flashblacks and maybe centering the *** will make your story more interesting aesthetically. Whenever I come across a page that has different qualities, such as the asterisks or the italics, I often find myself curious and wanting to read more. I hope that makes sense :p

Grammatically: Your story has few errors, but some things you could work on are during dialogue: most notably the comma. You see, most sentences end with a period normally and not a question mark or exclamation point. Therefore, you would put a comma in place of the period. Here's an example.

“Few cans of beans, and some pasta. Enough for a few more days,” The skinny boy with mottled dark hair glanced at the stack of crates in the corner of the room.

However, you could also use some speech tags like "said" for some fluidity in your sentences. On that note, you also use the phrase "I [verb] blah blah blah" a little too often and could try and mix up some of the ways to say a sentence.

Apart from some of my suggestions, this story is really impressive for a first chapter and I'm wanting to read more! I usually don't like reading (I'm a writing mod and I don't like reading, what?) much, but I was surprised with how willing I was to go on with your first chapter.

Good luck and happy writing! I hope my suggestions helped you out :D
 
RE: Hope (Not a Pokémon fanfic!)

Turtwig said:
This first chapter was very interesting! I really like how you limited the characters to only three; the fewer the characters, the more the development. I do have a couple of suggestions, both content-wise and grammatically.

Content / Appearance: I think you should try to double space the story. If you scroll through some of the others, you'll see the difference. Furthermore, don't be afraid to describe things more! I find myself bored with too much description, but the more balance you have between dialogue and description, the more mature your story will look. Also, italicizing some flashblacks and maybe centering the *** will make your story more interesting aesthetically. Whenever I come across a page that has different qualities, such as the asterisks or the italics, I often find myself curious and wanting to read more. I hope that makes sense :p

Grammatically: Your story has few errors, but some things you could work on are during dialogue: most notably the comma. You see, most sentences end with a period normally and not a question mark or exclamation point. Therefore, you would put a comma in place of the period. Here's an example.

“Few cans of beans, and some pasta. Enough for a few more days,” The skinny boy with mottled dark hair glanced at the stack of crates in the corner of the room.

However, you could also use some speech tags like "said" for some fluidity in your sentences. On that note, you also use the phrase "I [verb] blah blah blah" a little too often and could try and mix up some of the ways to say a sentence.

Apart from some of my suggestions, this story is really impressive for a first chapter and I'm wanting to read more! I usually don't like reading (I'm a writing mod and I don't like reading, what?) much, but I was surprised with how willing I was to go on with your first chapter.

Good luck and happy writing! I hope my suggestions helped you out :D

Thank you for your feedback, hopefully I'll post some of the second chapter soon. I have been trying to vary sentences but they just didn't sound right for some reason, but I'll definitely try some new things out with the second chapter. Everything was centered when I wrote it up on Word, but it kinda messed up when I pasted it onto here :p I'll fix it soon.
 
RE: Hope (Not a Pokémon Fanfic!)

I have finally finished writing chapter 2! It's a little shorter than the last one (about 3 pages this time rather than 4) but I enjoyed writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it :)

Sorry if the story is a little boring at the moment, the real narrative is developing soon. This is just... Leading up to that.

We trudged heavily through the deep, glistening snow that melted inconspicuously under the midday sun. Our bags weighed us down a lot, but that was the bare minimum we could survive on. Josh had thought about stealing a car, but none of us knew how to drive, apart from Beth who barely started her driving tests before the apocalypse. The blizzard had faded, and the sky was a clear azure with wisps of cirrus clouds hanging high in the atmosphere. Trying to follow a road, we stayed very close together just in case something happened. In fact, Beth had tied us all together with our belts, just in case. In my opinion, that wasn't such a good idea, since if one of us were attacked, the others wouldn't find it easy to escape and go down too.

Eventually, after a few miles of walking along an abandoned motorway, we found ourselves in a large town. It was ghostly, silent and empty. Our feet crunching through the snow suddenly sounded louder as the noise echoed through the empty streets. We usually stayed away from places like this, as there are more people here that would've been infected. Unless they were evacuated of course, but we all know that not everyone can make it.

For some reason, Beth decided to make an exception today. Or, she took a wrong turn.
“Are you sure we’re heading the right way?” I asked quietly.

Beth nods, and continues to lead us through the desolated road, where corroded cars were scattered and telephone lines hung across the street, leaning on the opposite buildings.

We were looking for a suitable place to stay, and supposedly find new supplies. There’s only so much we can carry. Most houses and apartments had been emptied of their treasures; but if we’re lucky we can find a few tins of beans and perhaps a little ammo on the side. Beth sighed and led us forward through the deathly street. I was slightly more reluctant to follow, breathing heavily and watching the carbon dioxide condense mid-air, dispersing into the atmosphere.

As the day drifted by, the temperature finally warmed up; the snow melting a little and draining into the rigid breaks in the concrete ground that jut out across the road, leading along the pavement and halting on the adjacent sides of the street. There was a hidden beauty amongst this decimated, hostile environment which I had lately become to appreciate; it was somewhat moving and gave me a sense of nostalgia of what life was like all those years ago. The simplicity of everyday life, yet the horrors humanity created. Now, war deceased. No more hatred or violence; prejudice or discrimination. Mankind has joined together in an effort to stop the parasite, but to no avail. Beth suddenly comes to a halt and glances back at me and Josh, raising her pale finger at the large glass entrance of a shopping centre. My right hand gripped tightly around the strap of the hunting rifle placed upon my trembling back, gaining a sense of security through the weapon. I breathed gently, and ran my fingers through my knotted, short auburn hair.

I stepped forward towards Beth as he placed her hands on her hips, examining the entrance of the centre.

“What are we going to do?” I asked, biting down on my lower lip slightly.

“Isn’t it obvious? We go inside.” Beth trudged towards the glass door that was once automatic, and tapped it with her hand.

“The glass is weak enough to break through. Except, of course, that’ll cause a lot of noise.”
Josh stood beside Beth and peered through the cloudy glass.

“Looks like there is potential in this place. We could try forcing this door open.” Josh pointed to the glass door on the left hand side, slightly open and weakened.

Josh placed both of his gloved hands on the edge of the door and began pulling back, causing a loud creaking and cracking sound that permeated the area.

Slowly, the door moved forward, leaning towards us as Josh pulled back with more strength.
I decided to then help him, sliding the door across the frozen ground. It was loud, but could be barely detectable by any parasite. Eventually, the door clashed onto the ground and shattered into shards of glass and plastic; breaking beneath our feet as we stepped inside the shopping centre.

Inside, the roof had partially collapsed, caving inwards across the pale walls and terminated neon signs. It was slightly warmer, but the temperature difference was barely noticeable. After all, the building had almost become just like the outside.

We glared around for a few moments; Beth analysing for any potential loot.
She peered back at us as she stood a few metres in front of us, her pale blue eyes glinting in the snow.

“Don’t just stand there, idiots. Split up. Go find something. We’ll rendezvous back here, got that?” Beth always treated us like we were kids, yet we couldn’t disobey her. Not when we know what she’s capable of.

I nodded silently and began walking down the empty section of the shopping centre, pulling a torch from out of my bag and placing it temporarily into my mouth, delving deeper into the centre; where it gradually grew darker and more confined. A cool breeze could be felt, creating an eerie, almost whispering noise that seems to have been running from something. I flicked my torch on, and shone it around the darkened shops, seeing if there was anything worth taking. My eyes finally focused on a few un-opened cans of beans stacked outside a supermarket. I took 5 of them, fitting them tightly into my bag, which became rather heavy and weighed on my shoulder.

I continued to walk along for a little longer, eventually reaching a dead end of stores. Upon deciding to turn back, I see a weapons shop, and sprint up to it immediately. A wry smile spreads across my face and I steadily opened the door, walking in cautiously. Although most of the weapons have been looted, there were a few knives and boxes of ammo that would prove to be useful. I took everything I could, running back out again. I returned to the rendezvous point, but no one was there yet. A bench sat still against a pale marble wall that used to contain a water feature of some sort; now diminished under a thick layer of ice topped with snow. I sat down on it; the rotting wood creaking beneath me and the supplies’ weight. I brushed my hair with my cold, shivering hand, removing the over grown fringe from hanging down my face. My eyes darted around, visualising the centre during a time of civilisation; when humanity had reached its finest. We had come so far.

Now, the remaining humans had become more or less savages. Even we three had a gruesome history; yet we tried our best to make up for our mistakes- of course that didn't fix them, though.
My head spun around, facing a pale wall scribbled with writing in red spray paint:
Turn back now. Loot and we’ll shoot.

The paint looked rather fresh, standing out against the dull environment. This made me ever more cautious, so I loaded my rifle and jolted up from the bench, my breathing increasing its pace.
Although everything was silent, there was something strange about the centre; something wasn't right about it. I was almost certain that Beth picked up on it a while ago; yet had a pressing need to go on.
There was no sign of any parasites; which would seem like a good thing at first, but if there were no parasites, it would either mean that they all died of natural causes or something killed them.

Not something, but someone.

Humans can cause major issues in a world like this, especially if you loot them of their essential supplies.

I was weary, and spun around at the slightest noise. I backed away towards the wall extremely slowly, and tried to stay as silent as possible.

Suddenly, there was an ear piercing scream that echoed across the entire shopping centre, and it caused to me to run right towards it.

“BETH!” I shouted, my throat becoming hoarse as I dashed up the broken down escalator, swinging my rifle back onto my shoulder.

“Kassi!-“My eyes widened as sweat began to roll down my forehead, upon hearing Beth scream my name. In all my time I’ve known Beth, she has never screamed before.
This made me panic even more, and I nearly tripped over my own feet as I sprinted towards the source of the noise. I was halted by a glove pulling over my mouth and bringing me to the ground, pulling me backwards.

“You’re coming with us...” I heard the muffled voice of a middle aged man, and tried to take the rifle off my back. Another man grabbed my hands and tied them up with a rough rope, turning my flesh red.

They dragged me across the marble floor as I twisted and writhed, trying to escape. My mouth could only open a little, sending out an almost silent ‘let me go’.

My legs tried to find grip and security, but they simply just kicked around, wasting my energy. My eyes watered at the fact that there was nothing I could do; they were going to torture me and kill me... Along with the others.
 
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