Writing Deidara's Sinno adventure (A Naruto/Pokémon cross-over)

Not open for further replies.

Light Venusaur

Deidara~Senpai's student (in training)
Advanced Member

Most of you might have seen this in either in my siggy or on dA.
I asked
(CruzerBlade of dA) to draw me as a my version of Deidara from Naruto.
Enough of that, time for the story.

Yes, this is a cross over of Naruto & Pokémon
Just like my sempi, I ride my Giratina, like Deidara rides his C4 Birds. But I only have the 1-red Akatsuki cloud upon the back, and a "fake" ring, which represents the color AOI/Blue.
I started off with a Shiny Ponyta, which I named: Hikariru, as my partner pokémon, just as Satoshi/Ash does with a Pikachu, when I use to live in Konoha. But I had to move from there to Hidden Rock Village, as I didn't like it in Konoha, as there was too much training and concentration for a Pokémon trainer in the ninja academy, and I lacked the patience.
On my way to Hidden Rock Village, I came across a Shiny Latias. After a fierce battle with her, Ponyta evolved into a Rapidash and learned the moves of Hypnosis and Horn Drill.
So, after putting the Latias asleep with Hypnosis, I quickly caught it in an Ultra Ball, and gave her the name of Startblast.
When I got to the Suna (Sand) Village, I met a red-haired kid with some weird writing on the left-hand side of his face, which I think meant "love", but wasn't quite sure. He had an old brother and sister. One used puppets & the other used a giant fan. They saw that I was thirsty and hungry, and gave me some food and water, as well a place to rest for the night, due to an incoming sandstorm.
The next day when the sandstorm had died down, I went on my way, with a packed lunch of Dango and Iced Tea in tow.
A few hours later I saw something strange. It was a dragon. But it wasn't a Pokémon. It was made out of clay. Riding upon its back, I saw someone in a black clock with red clouds embroidered on them, wearing a chinese-type hat. I thought he looked cool, so I followed him to see where he went.
I jumped onto Hikariru, my Shiny Rapidash, as it was the fastest pokémon I had.
The teenager on the Dragon went to the Hidden Rock Village, which was a 3-day ride. He took off his hat and looked around to see if anyone had been following him. I hid in a dark corner and watched.
Suddenly, I heard a strange voice coming from the corner in which I was hiding. I let out a scream and ran out of my hiding place, right into the blonde-haired teenager. He said his name was "Deidara", and asked what my name was. "Elsa," I said. "But you may call me by my well known nickname of LV, which stands for Light Venusaur."
Deidara said to me that is was only a bold Darkrai that likes to play pranks on new people who stop by, and asked me to catch it so that it can be taught a lesson.
So I caught it using a Cherish Ball (yes, I won it from the Suna Village from a lotto ticket).
I asked Deidara what he does and so on, but he didn't say much other then that he did clay models, which he called "Art" (which we all know is called: Katsu or Art is a Bang/Explosion!). So I asked him to take me on as his student.
To test me, he asked me to hit as many targets as I could within 2 minutes. They were made of clay (normal...not his exploding kind), so I chose Starblast for it as she was a dragon/psychic type and I could ride on her back.
I had broken around 200 targets (I only had to do 150), so Deidara had a special one for me to hit, which was one of his C4 birds. I got Starblast to use Mist Ball on it, but it didn't work. So I got her to use an Ice Beam on it, which made it explode. Deidara laughed at my mistake and made me his student. And so I changed my hairstyle from a braid to his hairstyle.
Deidara also gave one of his old black cloaks and said, "If you can mend it, it's yours to keep....and also put this on the back," and he handed me one of the red-clouds. He said, "Don't worry, I'll tell my small band of "friends" that I've got a student and not to hurt you at all.

After 3 years had past without me getting any new pokémon. I wanted to go and catch some.
I also had changed my hair style to look like my sensai's hair style...but only brown, not blonde. He thought it looked cool on me.
When I went outside I saw a huge dragon, but it wasn't Deidara-sempi's one. It was a pokémon and a legendary one at that. It was a Giratina (in it's Another/normal form).
I wanted to catch this one to show sempi how strong I had gotten from the 3 years of training, so I sent out Starblast to use it's Hypnosis on it. But the Giratina had vanished! It was going to use Shadow Force on Starblast, so I quickly switched out Starblast for Darkrai. Giratina's attack wasn't very effective, due to Darkrai being a Dark-Type pokémon.
Next I got got Darkrai to use Dark Void on Giratina, which worked and put it to sleep. Then I got Darkrai to use Nightmare to give Giratina nightmares (a bit like Genjijutsu). I got it down to 10% heath and caught it in another Ultra Ball.
Then after going on a treasure hunt I found a Grisseous Orb which I used to change Giratina into its Origin form, so that I could ride it, just like sempi.

When I went to find him, sempi was hanging around a weird person with what looked like a venus-flytrap and someone in a mask.
I had seen that sempi had lost an arm, but it was on the ground with his ring still attached to it. He told the one in the mask not to touch it or he'll be dead if he did.
Sempi had seen me riding Giratina like he does and said, "Wow you caught a Giratina and changed it into its origin form by yourself?"
I said, "yes sempi....I did," then I asked who his two friends were.
He introduced one as Zetsu, and the other one, Tobi (yes, the baka of the group (also known as: Madara)) and he told them not to harm me in anyway.
Tobi said: "Did someone hear a loud roar just then?"
Sempi and I looked around, and I saw an outline of a Dialga. So I used the special PokéBall that sempi and I worked on. I caught it with ease, no battle needed for it.

I told sempi that I was going on a trip to the Hidden Rain Village, as I had an old friend who lived there (one of Konan's friends...who died), and wanted to pay my respects to them.
So, I packed up my things, including: Hikariru, Starblast, Dialga & Darkrai, then when I got outside jumped onto Giratina's back (just like Sempi).
When I got to Hidden Rain, it was raining, but only lightly. So I paid my respects to my friend and went to see if I could find Konan, but I couldn't find him anywhere.
I did run into someone who looked like Yahiko, but with piercings on his face, body and ears. Kind of freaky if you asked me.
He said his name was Pain, and that he wouldn't hurt me, as he knew that I was Deidara's student.
Pain told me that my sensai was killed by someone from Konoha and gave me a ring that looked like sempi's one, but he said that it wouldn't work (unlike the real akastuki rings).
However he did ask me if I wanted to join the Akatsuki, but I refused.
Shortly after that I ran into a Shiny Latios, which I caught using Giratina's Shadow Force and then in a Timer Ball.

Then I changed my hair from brown to blonde and my name to Deidara, to remind me of my sempi.

The next one will happen in the: Unova region (but I'll be keeping Giratina with me).

Pokémon belongs to: TPCi
Naruto Shippuden caraters belong to: Masashi Kishimoto
~sempi (who got me back into digital coloring).
Proofread: Shadelon


You have to double space more, Light Venusaur. This is all bunched together and very difficult to read. On top of that, I'm a little confused as to where some of the paragraphs begin and end. Also, you seem to be missing a lot of fundamental description and narration, which is needed to actively portray your story and move it along. Quick references to pre-existing elements and characters doesn't make up for that, and I've never read any decent fanfics that were written with that alone... Not to mention that not everyone may be familiar with Naruto's locales and characters like the Hidden Rock Village and Deidara (even though you redid his overall appearance and provided a picture). So, please go and rewrite this a bit more. Thanks.


Not open for further replies.