Writing August Sunshine

StarlightSearcher

The Blonde Brainiac
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Pearlshipping fic. If you don't know what that means, it's the ship between Ash and Dawn of Pokemon​

Prolouge:
Saffron City, Kanto....10 years into the future.

The city is a dark, ransacked place. Windows are broken. The windows are boarded up with several boards of wood. Trash litters the street. Anti-dictator posters are fading on walls and light poles. A little girl, with long bright blonde hair races down a deserted street. She looks and see one of the Dictator's camera bots unknowlingly slip right past her. She turns on her Poketch and a man appears
"Prof. Johnson, I'm going back" the girl said
"But, August, why?" Prof. Johnson replied
"I'm going to find my future parents and help them defeat the evil that plaques this world" August stated
"If my memory serves me correctly, I first met your future parents in Canalave City. I can send you back in time into a alleyway in Canalave. Meet up with them. Tell them the whole story, then help them stop him" Prof. Johnson replied. Immediatly, August's pendant, a gift from her mother, began to glow white. She then disapeared and began her travel back in time.

END Prolouge
______________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 1

Canalave City, Sinnoh--Present Day

August then reappeared in an alleyway, startling a wild Meowth. The Meowth ran into a old discarded cardboard box
"Okay, I'm back in time and..." August began talking but her Poketch refused to turn on. She realized since it was device from the future, it couldn't work in another time period. She saw people walking around and tried to find her future parents.

Meanwhile...
"I'm going to get to the Gym first and your not Dawn!" Ash jokingly told his girlfriend
"In your dreams, Ash!" Dawn replied to her boyfriend. Brock just sighed. He saw Ash and Dawn relationship bud right before his eyes, and saw his inability to find his soulmate, thanks in part to his Toxicroak, which evovled from Croakgunk after a battle with Jessie's Yanmega.
"AH!" Ash shouted, as he stopped in his tracks, Dawn running into him, not knowing he stopped
"Ash! Why did you stop?" Dawn asked. She craned her head around him to see a little girl, with bright blonde, almost yellow hair. August, seeing who the two of them were, ran to Dawn and clutched her leg
"Mommy! I've found you!" She said gleefully
"Mommy? I'm afraid you got the wrong person, you see..." Dawn said, getting cut off by Ash
"You think Dawn's your mother?" Ash asked
"You see..." August said before she got cut off
"You see what?" Dawn asked
"I am....your daughter" she replied, meeting shocked reactions from both Ash and Dawn.

END Chapter 1
 
The story isn't very captivating, and might i add a "wtf" to the whole "messed up future/time-travel" mumbo jumbo? That's just too cliché :p

Leave time-traveling stuff to Celebi or Dialga :p But not something that doesn't even fit in a pokémon story, like some weird pendant... The general idea doesn't sound like pokémon at all.

Other than that, i've noticed quite a few spelling errors. The chapters are too short, and what's with the bold print? It makes it annoying to read...



Also the time setting is off...

10 years into the future, right? Ash and Dawn are like 14 and 10 in the anime, considering their daughter would be about 10 in the future, makes...well it's just physically impossible :p

If their daughter would be any younger than 10, it would still be impossible. And even dangerously irresponsible to send someone of that age 10 years into the past without any sense of direction...

think things through before you write stuff, kay? :p
 
Wow, this is what happened? Remember when you used to get on me about legnth and grammar and spelling for Ash's Adventure? Now I am getting on you. I agree with you, too, SixaxiS.

EDIT: Also, the Poketech can work since Ash is in Sinnoh, unless it was upgraded. And the time thing makes no sense.
 
paint flicker 2 coming soon :O

...juuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg ^_^
 
PMJ said:
paint flicker 2 coming soon :O

...juuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg ^_^

I'm not :O

In all seriousness, though, you seem to refuse to deviate even the slightest bit from your original fics, same chapter-length, same lay-out, same everything, really. Maybe just consider the comments we had on your previous stories, it might help, you never know :O
 
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