Writing A True Nightmare-Pokemon/Kirby-Chapter 1 is up!

MetaNite

Master of the Sword
Member
Hello peoples! This is my first fanfic, which I've been thinking about writing for a while. It is a mix of the pokemon and kirby animes, so if you don't know both, this story will be pretty confusing. I'm not a very good writer, so I will want lots of suggestions to improve.

Prologue
Nightmare paced around his spaceship. He was dressed in his purple robe, the one he always wore. He had a gray face, and never took off his golden helmet, which had two large horns protruding from it. Nightmare sighed.

I am tired of that Kirby defeating my monsters! he thought. They only serve to strengthen him, and soon he will be powerful enough to destroy me! But I cannot let that happen.

With a sweep of his robe, Nightmare walked over to a large machine. It had a large screen, a seemingly endless array of buttons, and a speaker hanging off to the side. He pressed a few buttons. The machine instantly whirred to life. Lights of all different shades flashed across the screen.

Then, a cool mechanical voice asked, "What can I do for you, Nightmare, conqueror of the universe?"

"Find me the biggest power source you can. Don't stop searching until you've found something very powerful," Nightmare replied.

"As you wish, Master"

More bright lights, unreadable words, and strange symbols whizzed around the screen for a few minutes. Then a picture of a planet popped up.

"This planet is showing signs of massive energy," the voice said. "Some of the signals are unreadable, but I did find one with a good amount of energy. It came from this."

The screen went black for a moment, and then a picture of a creature was shown. It looked like a mouse, except it was yellow. It had a red dot on each cheek, and its tail was large and zigzagged. The tips of its ears were black, and a big smile stretched across its face.

"Th...This?!" sputtered Nightmare. "Are you sure this is it?"

"Positive."

"Alright...What is this thing called, anyway?"

"It is locally known as Pikachu. The red dots on its cheeks can shoot many volts of electricity."

"Where is it?"

"This particular one is in... Sector 107, Planet 15, Kanto Region, Pallet Town."

Nightmare muttered, "That's not far from--" but he was interrupted by a loud ringing.

A man at a desk pressed a large button. The man had no real name, so he was just called Customer Service because he handled most of the affairs of Nightmare's company, which sold monsters.

A screen flashed on, and King Dedede appeared. King Dedede had a blue face with yellow lips, and wore a red robe with white fur on the cuffs and hem. He was the greedy ruler of Dreamland, where Kirby lived. Dedede wanted nothing more then to get rid of Kirby, so he spent much of his money buying monsters that always failed to harm Kirby

Customer Service planned to sell him the usual level of monster, but Nightmare stopped him. After a few minutes of frantic whispering, Customer Service spoke up.

"If you'll wait a little while, then I'm sure you will be "shocked" at what we can get for you."

King Dedede just looked at him.

"Well... All right, but this had better be good!" he yelled before turning off his screen.

Customer Service also shut down his screen as Nightmare walked away. Nightmare quickly removed his helmet and put on a hood that extended from the back of his cloak. He pulled on the hood until it covered his face, making him look like a normal traveler. As a finishing touch, he took a carved wood staff.

"Fly me to that planet you mentioned," Nightmare said, addressing his machine.

The machine quickly replied.

"Preparing for launch.
All systems ready.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
All systems go.
All systems go."

A loud roaring filled the room as the engines were lit, causing the ship to soon disappear into the black void of space.
 
RE: A True Nightmare-Pokemon/Kirby

This is pretty good, although I don't think you should have ended chapter one like that. You should have carried on with the story. Also, Nightmare doesn't sound DARK enough. When you use a character that's already been invented, make sure to stick to his charcter. I mean, besides his obvious evil description, I see nothing to imply that he is the awesome villain that Nightmare is. But still, a pretty good job. Your first chapter is better than my first chapter, at least.
 
RE: A True Nightmare-Pokemon/Kirby

Yeah, I didn't think Nightmare sounded very evil. I need to watch an episode that has Nightmare actually do something, so I can understand more what he's like.
 
RE: A True Nightmare-Pokemon/Kirby

I decided to add on to the prolouge. Chapter 1 coming soon!

Prolouge Cont.
King Dedede just looked at him.

"Well... All right, but this had better be good!" he yelled before turning off his screen.

Customer Service also shut down his screen as Nightmare walked away. Nightmare quickly removed his helmet and put on a hood that extended from the back of his cloak. He pulled on the hood until it covered his face, making him look like a normal traveler. As a finishing touch, he took a carved wood staff.

"Fly me to that planet you mentioned," Nightmare said, addressing his machine.

The machine quickly replied.

"Preparing for launch.
All systems ready.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
All systems go.
All systems go."

A loud roaring filled the room as the engines were lit, causing the ship to soon disappear into the black void of space.
 
RE: A True Nightmare-Pokemon/Kirby

No comments? Sorry for the long wait for chapter 1, I was distracted by other things.

Chapter 1
A Day in Cappy Town

"Over here, Kirby! Pass to me!"

Tuff waved his arms in the air as Kirby tried to kick the soccer ball that was about as big as he was. The two opposing cappies glared at Kirby, as if daring him to move. Tiff sat on the sidelines, reading a book.

"Come on, Kirby! You can do it!"

Shouts from all over the field filled the air. With enormous effort, Kirby jumped and swung his foot forward. The ball soared through the air, but not to Tuff. It flew over everyone's heads, landing in a rosebush about 100 yards away.

"You're getting that, Kirby!" a cappy yelled.

Kirby looked at him questioningly, then nodded. Kirby opened his mouth wide and inhaled. Immediately, the soccer ball and many other things began to fly towards Kirby. Among them were the rosebush, a goalpost, and Professor Curio's mustache.

"Ahh! My fake mustache! I was going to get a refund on that!" Professor Curio exclaimed, waggling his finger at Kirby.

Kirby just stood there for a moment, his mouth full of miscellaneous items. Then, he swallowed all of them.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, a cappy broke the silence.

"Way to ruin the game, Kirby."

More shouts mingled with this one, and soon the field was in total chaos. Kirby looked ashamed and started to run away. Tuff followed him.

Tiff had finally looked up from her book when people started yelling, and she ran after Tuff and Kirby. While they were walking through town, Tuff explained what had happened to Tiff. Tiff looked thoughtful.

"Maybe some... food would cheer you up?"

"I think that's a great idea!" Tuff chimed in. "Kirby?"

A large smile spread across Kirby's face.

"Poyo! Poyo, poyo!"

Tiff smiled also as the trio headed into Chef Kawasaki's restaurant. Inside, the Chef was preparing a meal for a few other customers. It was about lunchtime, so the restaurant was filled to the brim with fancy-looking diners. As soon as the Chef had finished with the other customers, he hurried over to Kirby.

"It's so nice to see you, Kirby!" he said. "How can I help you today?"

"Well, I want pizza!" Tuff yelled.

"Wow! Tuff actually has a good idea for once!" Tiff joked. "We'll take one extra large pizza, Chef."

"Coming right up!" Kawasaki yelled, eager for another chance to make a good pizza.

Tiff, Tuff, and Kirby sat down at a small table in the corner of the room. A few diners glared at them, after hearing about the soccer field incident. Kirby tried to ignore them.

After what seemed like hours, Chef Kawasaki returned and set the pizza on their table. Tiff took one piece, Tuff took two, and Kirby got the rest. While Tiff was eating her slice, she saw Kirby open his mouth wide.

"No, Kirby! Don't in-"

Kirby sharply drew in his breath. Slices of pizza, a tablecloth, forks and knives, many other objects, and... salad? Tiff didn't remember anyone getting salad. Then, she had a bad feeling about where it came from. Tiff slowly turned around.

All of the other tables were completely bare, save for a fork or menu here and there. The tables occupants just sat there, some dumbstruck and some glaring hatefully at Kirby.

"I'm going to tell the King about this!" someone threatened, whipping out his cell phone and beginning to dial.

Kirby looked as if he would cry. He quickly hopped out of his chair and ran out the door.

"Kirby! Kirby!" Tiff yelled, running after him.

"Wait for me!" Tuff exclaimed, sprinting after his friends.

Kirby was running very fast through the streets of Cappy Town. Suddenly, a wall of fat blocked his way. Kirby looked up. There stood King Dedede and his faithful snail servant, Escargoon.

Tiff and Tuff finally caught up with Kirby.

"Back off, Dedede! Don't do anything to our friend!" Tiff yelled.

"Hey! Respect the King!" Escargoon snapped.

"Calm down! I don't mind!" Dedede said, even though it was clear that he did mind. "Kirby, I just wanted to give you something."

Escargoon held out a large gob of cotton candy.

"Kirby, don't eat it! It's probably poison!" Tiff cried.

"Oh, it's not poison," Escargoon assured as he tossed it into Kirby's wide-open mouth.

There was a stunned silence.

"Kirby! Why did you eat it?!" Tiff yelled. "Quick! I need to get you to someone!"

Tiff grabbed Kirby's hand and pulled him into Castle Dedede, with Tiff running behind them. They ran up the stairs to their mother's room. Inside, their mother, Lady Like, sat watching TV.

"Mom, King Dedede gave Kirby poison,” Tiff complained.

"Well, he looks all right to me," Lady Like assured.

"Yeah, but he's a pink puffball from another planet, and I don't think you-"

"Has he been acting weird?" Lady Like interrupted.

"Well, no, but-"

"How do you know Dedede gave him poison?"

"Well... because... um... well... because everyone in the town was mad at Kirby, and someone told Dedede, and Dedede gave Kirby cotton candy! After Kirby messed up his town!"

"Tiff, you know King Dedede never cared about Cappy Town. Maybe he's just trying to be nice."

"That's what you said the other five million times he did something like this, and it turned out it was just part of his evil scheme," Tiff whined.

Lady Like sighed.

"Tiff, maybe you should take a nap," she suggested.

Tiff didn't like to argue with her mother, so while Tiff ran around outside with Kirby, she lie down in her bed and fell into an uneasy sleep.
 
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