Writing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Return of the Forgotten One! Chapter One is up!

Discussion in 'Creative Works' started by PokeChamp, Oct 7, 2009.


Do you enjoy this story?

  1. Yes, it is most excellent!

  2. A few flaws, but still pretty good nonetheless!

  3. No, I hated it.

    0 vote(s)
  1. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer



    In the beginning, there were two great beings: Arceus and Giratina. They were brothers, each of them carrying a great burden inside themselves. They were the balance in life; Giratina represented the darkness, while Arceus represented the light. Each was needed to maintain peace and prosperity in the land of Pokemon. Without either the world would lose its balance, and all would be lost. The two brothers lived together, and for many moons the balance was kept. But Giratina began to feel depressed with its burden. It gazed jealously upon the Pokemon who frolicked in the fields, carefree and without abandon. Giratina started to harbor a resentment of its duty, and as each day passed it grew darker and more hateful of the world. One day, Giratina attacked its brother Arceus with a might blow, and Arceus fell to Giratina's dark power. Giratina went mad, covering the world in a veil of darkness. The Pokemon saw what had happened, and they were no longer carefree. Most fled in terror and went into hiding. But it was not to last... Arceus recovered from the wound its brother had dealt unto it, and it challenged Giratina to do battle. Such was the beginning of the century-long battle. Giratina had many followers, and it had recruited many Pokemon to do its dark deeds. Arceus gathered his own followers and waged nearly endless war upon the dark being. After a century's worth of fighting, Giratina was overthrown by Arceus. To punish Giratina, Arceus sentenced him to life in an ancient cemetery in another dimension of the universe. Doing so would keep the world in its balance, as Arceus knew it would. As for Giratina's followers, Arceus bound their spirit into a stone where they were to stay for eternity Arceus locked up the spirits of the followers in a place where none travel, and nothing wasto be heard of them for a long age. And so Giratina was kept waiting for centuries upon centuries, waiting for one foolish enough to release it from its endless sentence...

    Chapter One: An Eventful Day​

    Riolu was a very timid Pokemon. He was small and blue, with completely black arms and a yellow-tipped tail, in appearance comparable to the "Dogs" of the human world. He stood straight and upright, despite his disposition. At a very young age, Riolu was orphaned by a freak accident. He had no recollection of his parents whatsoever, and he was quite lonely in life. The other Pokemon didn't like to play with him, as trouble was notorious for following Riolu. Like most of us, Riolu had a dream; it was what he pretended on rainy days, the source of many sleepless nights, and the one thing that kept him going: he wanted to be part of an exploration team. He had attempted many times to try and start one, but he was denied every time by the Guildmaster, Wigglytuff. Riolu had been taken in upon his becoming orphaned by a wise old Pokemon named Alakazam. Alakazam had a fox-like appearance, but his body was lanky. His main characteristic was his black mustache and two golden spoons, which he held in his hands at all times. Alakazam was troubled, for he felt that at times he was not fit to care for Riolu, and he complained often about neck pain. Riolu did his best not be a burden to the old Pokemon; after all, he did like Alakazam. He was nice enough, and he was capable of spitting out extremely wise sayings and proverbs. Riolu kept on dreaming about exploration and adventure, and this spirit of his was fueled by the occasional reading sessions he had with Alakazam, who seemed to own many books on the subject of adventuring.

    On one rainy day, when Alakazam had left for some errands, Riolu was reading a book about the great Tyranitar, who had found a great valley filled with fruit. He had gone off to find the valley specifically to save the town from a food shortage, and this amazing discovery proved to save everyone's life. Riolu closed the book. He gazed out the rainy window.
    "One day," Riolu said, "I'm going to start an exploration team of my own, and I will discover something amazing!". He began to day-dream about wild situations: in one of his dreams he had went off to adventure, and had found an ancient idol. He took it, hoping to take it back to to town and show off his discovery to everybody. He retraced his steps back, but he was stopped by a huge, scorpion-like Pokemon. It had red, beady eyes, and it hissed at him,
    "Give me the idol, or I take your life adventurer!". Riolu shot the Pokemon (who incidentally was called Drapion) a gaze, and shouted bravely,
    "The only thing you'll be taking home is your bruises from challenging me!", and he shot a bolt of Energy at the Drapion. The Drapion cried in pain,
    "Gah! You're too strong; that Aura Sphere sure bites!". The Drapion scuttled off, defeated. Back at the imaginary town, a beautiful Pokemon called Eevee waked up to him.
    "Thank you for this amazing discovery, Riolu!", she said to him, "for your service to the town, reward you with this perfect apple!". Riolu dreamed of the taste of a perfect apple, and it felt almost as if he could really taste it. But his dream was interrupted by cry from outside. Startled, Riolu peered through the window. He saw a cloaked Pokemon in the rain, and a stream of blood followed behind it.
    "Arrrggghhh!", the Pokemon cried again. Riolu, worried about the stranger, rushed outside of the house.
    "Are you alright?", Riolu asked him. The Pokemon withdrew the hood of its cloak; it was a Glaceon. Her icy fur was beautiful to behold, despite the fact that she appeared beaten. She answered,
    "No, I'm not alright; I encountered a group of Seviper!". Riolu listened attentively.
    "They attacked me from out of nowhere, and they stole my apple with force!", she explained, "I think I'm bleeding, too... their tails are so sharp, and I didn't do anything wrong, they attacked me for no reason". Riolu replied,
    "Well, being out here isn't going to help you: please, come into my house to heal!". Glaceon offered a smile, and they began to walk back to Riolu's house. But Riolu heard a voice coming from behind him,
    "Give us the girl, or they're will be trouble!". Riolu, startled, turned around hurriedly. Behind him were three great serpents, the tail of each topped off with a venomous stinger.
    "How dare you attack an innocent Pokemon for no reason!", Riolu shouted at the criminals, "have you no shame?". The biggest Seviper of the bunch approached Riolu.
    "There doesn't have to be any trouble, short pint!", it exclaimed. "All we want is the girl!".
    "Well you can't have here! If you want her, you'll have to walk through me first!". Glaceon looked at Riolu, shocked.
    "Please, he's tougher than he looks. You don't have to do this!", she cried. But Riolu looked at her, and said,
    "What they did to you is wrong, I won't let them get away for it!". He turned his back to her, and faced the Seviper. The leader Seviper began to chuckle.
    "Fine, kid! If you want some trouble, I'll give you trouble!", and Seviper lashed out at him with his tail. Riolu dodged by jumping into the air, and landing down he threw a punch at the Seviper's face. In pain, Seviper retreated a few steps.
    "...Grah! This kid is tougher than he looks! Let's get him, fellas!" the Seviper commanded, and they all went for him. Riolu focused his energy: being a Riolu, he was capable of commanding a mystical power source called "Aura", and if focused, Riolu could use it against these foes. At the last possible second, just when the Sevipers had gotten close to Riolu, he repelled them with a giant ball of energy. The Sevipers were astonished at Riolu's resistance, and they hesitated for a moment. To their further surprise, they heard a voice call out,
    "That is quite enough!". It was Alakazam. He seemed tired from all the walking he had done, but he seemed in control of his exhaustion. Lifting his two spoons into the air, he screamed,
    "Psychic attack, go!". And in but a few seconds, the Seviper were lifted up into the air telekenetically
    "Boss, what are we going to do now?" one of the Seviper asked.
    "Quiet you! You should have payed attention to the rear or we wouldn't be in this situation!". Alakazam asked Riolu,
    "What were you doing out here anyway, my boy?".
    "I came out here to save Glaceon," Riolu answered, "and these Seviper came out and I tried to protect her!". Glaceon wiped a tear from her eye.
    "Thank you so much!", she burst into tears, "you saved me from those Seviper; if it weren't for you, they might have kidnapped me!". Alakazam smiled. He understood Riolu's actions: they were chivalrous, just like a proper adventurer would be. Without lifting a finger, he sent a telepathic message to the head of the police force.

    It had been a busy day for officer Magnezone. The floating three-headed magnet of a Pokemon was up to his neck with work. First that flood, then the Mankeys went on strike, Luxray had a territorial dispute... the list went on! He was talking to his deputy, Magnemite.
    "Beep! I can't tell you how much I hate Mondays! Beep!", Magnezone exclaimed. Deputy Magnemite seemed to understand fully. As if to confirm this, he said,
    "Beep! I know what you are saying, Boss, I know what you are saying! Beep!". Magnezone was about to complain about how some teenagers pranked him on the phone the other day when he paused, as if he was in deep though.
    "Beep! You okay, officer Magnezone? Beep!" deputy Magnemite asked him. Officer Magnezone seemed to come back to his senses.
    "I can't talk right now, deputy Magnemite," officer Magnezone explained, "I've just received message from that old Pokemon, Alakazam! Beep!". And he rushed out of the police headquarters at record speed.

    Officer Magnezone arrived at the scene of the crime. He saw three levitating Seviper and Alakazam sitting quietly on the ground in meditation. He approached Alakazam.
    "Beep! Are you quite alright, Alakazam?" asked officer Magnezone, "What is going on here". Alakazam awoke from his meditation. Immediately, they Seviper fell onto the ground.
    "Yes, everything is alright," Alakazam replied, "now that you are here, officer Magnezone". Alakazam explained what had happened, and officer Magnezone listened to him, interrupting occasionally to pose a few questions.
    "Well, seems pretty open and shut to me!", officer Magnezone exclaimed, "Beep! I'll take these criminals to jail, and I'll take the Glaceon to Madame Blissey for healing. She needs to be put into care for a while, just so we know she's alright. Beep!". And with that, officer Magnezone took the criminals away with him, and he ordered an escort of Magnemite for the Glaceon. Before she left with the Magnemite, Glaceon walked up to Riolu.
    "Thank you again for rescuing me!", she said to Riolu, "you didn't have to do what you did, you know. Most Pokemon don't." Riolu replied,
    "No need for thanks, it was the right thing to do!". Glaceon thanked him once more, and she went off with the Magnemite escort.

    After they had left, Alakazam and Riolu went into their house. Silently, Alakazam went into his study for some time. Riolu thought about what the day had brought, and he thought of his courage against those Seviper. He had saved a life that day, and he knew this was common place for an explorer. Was this the first step to his becoming an adventurer? He had no time to ponder this question, however, as Alakazam walked up to him.
    "Come with me, Riolu," Alakazam said to him, "I have got something that I would like to show you!".

  2. Omnigross_98 ^ Is win.


    RE: Pokemon: The Return of the Forgotten One

    Superb fic, cant wait for more !
  3. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer


    RE: Pokemon: The Return of the Forgotten One

    Why thank you, Omnigross_98! I am very glad that you are enjoying my work!
  4. Omnigross_98 ^ Is win.


    RE: Pokemon: The Return of the Forgotten One

    Yes, I love Fics ! Especially very well written ones. Like this one :D
  5. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer


    Thanks, bud! :D

    Glad to hear you're enjoying the story. I'll write chapter two soon. Expect it up by this week.
  6. grasspokemonmaster Aspiring Trainer


    I just love mystery and adventure stories. And this is adventure. The end of Ch1 sounds suspicious. Could Alakazam be showing secrets? Yes! Seviper is bad! I personally hate Seviper.

    So really, this story is interesting. You get 9/10 for the story so far. Keep going!
  7. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer


    Why can I not haz a 10/10? :(

    I'm almost done writing the next chapter. It should be up by today, or tomorrow the latest.
  8. grasspokemonmaster Aspiring Trainer


    Well, I didn't write the story and it has seviper in it. :D
  9. tubbs101 Aspiring member


    Very nice PokeChamp, can't wait for the next chapter.
  10. Eevee Whatever you do, don't play Half-Life in the dark.


    Excellent story. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
  11. Zyflair Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

    Advanced Member Member

    /me already knows PokeChamp aces in S/G, so she's obviously going to critique about something else.

    Anyway, let's get to this.

    Something about the atmosphere and tone... it seems too simplistic. The dialogue of all characters (even the wise Alakazam) consists of elementary language. If this is what you are aiming for, then there's nothing wrong, though I honestly expected a more realistic situation.
  12. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer


    Well, I have attempted to make my universe like that of the Pokemon universe. Unlike my lingual skills, Pokemon characters often speak rather simply (although you do prove a point about the wise Alakazam). My main reason for vouching for this route was because of a complaint made about my fanfics long ago; a complaint which stated that my language was too rustic, too archaic for Pokemon. It was this very complaint that made me tone down the vocabulary of my characters. As for realistic situations, they will come. Chapter one was more or less an introduction into the story. Things will get serious in due time.
  13. Zyflair Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

    Advanced Member Member

    And you didn't slap that person?
    Our style of writing makes us who we are, and that means sometimes criticism can't always be followed (and in most cases, two people urge for opposite things. Now what?). The writer faces the responsibility to decide which critique is more valid and follows it. Now to me, I can't see how Pokémon can be "too archaic." They bite, slash, explode, you name it. My mother complains to me that Pokémon is too childish.

    My fanfic totally agrees; a Rhydon getting assassinated by having a dagger shoved through his throat is childish.

    Tone is the writer's way of expressing hims or herself. If I were you, I wouldn't suppress it for criticism. Mark Twain, the greatest American writer, has been censured by others during his time, and does he give a care? He did better; he did the exact opposite of what they say. :p
  14. PokeChamp Aspiring Trainer


    Yes, I understand this. I will take your advice, Zyflair. Things are going to get archaic in the next chapter. :p

    Edit: Although, I doon't know if I can call Mark Twain the greatest American writer. One of the greatest, sure, but the greatest is slightly overdoing it, just IMHO.
  15. Zyflair Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

    Advanced Member Member

    Lol, sweet~ :D

    Let's see, Mark Twain was the first American writer to write like a frickin' American, using American dialect instead of the uptight England English. He was also the first to be the first American writer with a sense of humor.

    That says enough for me.

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