Writing (Ignorance is Bliss) PG-13

[Clownshateu2]

They ask me if I'm okay
They ask me if I'm happy
They be asking me that because I'm depressed
Its not like they even care
Its only been me and myself there
And all others just sit there quite
no, ignorant, yes
Like what the say that
"Ignorance is Bliss."
Bliss enough to let troubled kid
go down on his life
along with his mind
his soul
his voice.
What the hell do they care anyway,
Its not like they gonna say anything








Real life poem

 

[Incinermyn]

RE: Ignorance is Bliss

I liked the theme this time, but you still need to work on spelling and grammar usage a bit. I understand there are a few exceptions such as trying to match the poem with the character/idea-based speech patterns, but you still have to spell most things correctly. For instance, you mistook the possessive "its" with the contraction "it's" several times. Also, you have to capitalize any starting words that aren't a direct continuation of the previous line (or perhaps even all of them, period. My apologies, poems aren't what I write a whole lot of and my memories of their writing rules is pretty skimpy...). Case in point: the "what" in the second to last line; likewise, in that same line, you should move the question mark so that it's after the word "anyways" because the line itself is supposed to be a question, correct?

What do they care anyway?

or...

What, do they care anyway?

In the first line too, you should write out the word 'okay' since the letters themselves usually don't gel in most writings since it is an actual word. After that, you probably want to add an apostrophe at the end of "askin" as well as maybe want to change "be" to "been" to make the line sound a little better. And, lastly, I think you'll want to use "quiet" instead of "quite" the sixth line down since "quite" doesn't make sense given the content.

I know, those are just a bunch of nitpicky edits, but they'd probably help with the flow of the poem.

 

[Clownshateu2]

RE: Ignorance is Bliss

Thanks Ill try to fix the errors now. SHould I remove this poem or write anymore?

 

[Incinermyn]

RE: (Ignorance is Bliss) and (My Prayer) PG-13

You're not doing anything wrong, so don't remove it or stop writing. You just need to work on proofreading.