Writing A Girl Like No Other!

Curfy97

Curfy97

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Ch. 1
Ash sighed. As Brock went on flirting with Nurse Joy, he silently walked away and outside. He walked over to Lake Acuity and sat on a rock, deep in thought. Why did Dawn have to leave? So what if she'd lost in the finals of the Grand Festival? She'd gotten that far, hadn't she? It just didn't make sense...
Suddenly, a girl's scream peirced the air. Ash stood up quick.
"Dawn?!"
He listened closer to scream. It wasn't Dawn. He frowned, sat back down again, and was soaked by a spash in the lake. He looked up just as a girl with brown hair and blue eyes broke the surface and coughed. He ran over and helped her out. As she coughed, she said to herself, "Okay, I know I said I wanted to go swimming, but this is not what I meant!"
Ash smiled a little. "You got wet, didn't you?"
She froze. "That voice...," She whispered. She looked up at Ash, who was confused, and gasped.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Y-You're Ash Ketchum!" She almost screamed. She stood up all the way.
"Yeah, but how do you know me?"
"Where I'm from, pretty much every PokeFan knows you," She explained. "There's a show that follows you on your journey."
"Cool!" Ash exclaimed. "Where are you from?"
"You probably don't know it," She giggled. "It's called Volant, in the United States of America."
He frowned. "You're right. I've never heard of it."
She gave a half-smile, then she realized something. "Where's Brock?"
"He's in the Pokemon Center-"
"Flirting with Nurse Joy?"
"Yeah," He laughed. The smile faded. "Guess you've heard about Dawn?"
She froze. "No," She replied. "What happened to her? Is she okay? Is she hurt? I must know what happened to her, she is my favorite female character, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO HER!!!!!"
Ash sighed. "She left."
Her look of anger quickly changed into confusion. "Left?"
"To go to Hoenn."
"Oh..."
They were silent for a moment, but then they heard a voice:
"Hey, Ash! Where are you?"
They looked at each other. "Brock," They mumbled simultaniouly. They both burst into a run towards where the call had come from. They soon saw him on the path, but they were in the forest. Right before they ran onto the path, the girl tripped on a root and tumbled through the bushes and onto the path. She sat up immedeately and said, "I'm okay!"
Brock saw her, ran over, and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"
She grinned. "I really am in the Pokemon World," She mumbled. He grew confused just as Ash ran out.
"You okay?" He asked the girl.
"I'm fine," She laughed. She stood up as Ash explained to Brock about her. Once it was all said, Brock gave the girl a strange look.
"Who are you?" He asked.
"Michelle, want-to-be Pokemon trainer," She giggled. "Well, I probably should say 'Gonna Be Pokemon Trainer'."
Ash laughed, and Brock smiled at Ash's laugh. Ever since Dawn had left, Ash hadn't laughed once.
"If you had a choice, which Pokemon would you want for your starter?" Ash asked.
"Well, if it's only the starter Pokemon, I would choose Pokabu," She explained. "But if it's any Pokemon, I would have to say... Riolu."
"Riolu, huh?" Ash laughed. "Maybe we could get you one!"
Her face lit up. "Really? That would be awesome!"
Ash smiled. Brock thought of something.
"Don't Riolu live around here?"
"I think so," Ash replied. Michelle squealed.
"Awesome!"
Ash grinned as a Riolu came out of the bushes. Michelle saw it and almost screamed. He looked at her, then pulled out a PokeBall and handed it to her.
"Go ahead," He said. "Catch it!"
"Okay," She agreed. She turned to it and made the PokeBall bigger. "PokeBall, go!" She screamed a she threw it. It hit the Riolu, and it went inside. It shook, then clicked.
"Yes!" She yelled. "I just caught a Riolu!"
She winked at Ash, causing his face to turn red. "Thanks, Ash!"
"No prob," He said. "As long as you're happy."
This caused Michelle's face to turn an even deeper red.
 
Ummm pokabu???

Besides that this really isn't that good. I'm sorry but it isn't. You need much much much more description. And you have plot holes in your story. I guess it's a good first try but I would revise this a lot. Add much more description and next time make it longer. Go for about at least 1k words.
 
charidude said:
Ummm pokabu???

Besides that this really isn't that good. I'm sorry but it isn't. You need much much much more description. And you have plot holes in your story. I guess it's a good first try but I would revise this a lot. Add much more description and next time make it longer. Go for about at least 1k words.
Click to expand...

A.) Pokabu is the japanese name for the Isshu Region's fire-type starter.
B.) Dude, this is only Chapter one. I ususally describe the new charries in chap. 2

Ch. 2
Ash grinned. Michelle had let out her Riolu and had decided to nick-name it- Rochelle. She was playing with it right now, and as she did it, he took a closer look at her. She wore a swim top and black shorts. The top was a rainbow plaid wit a flower on the top left. Her shorts had a number 44 on the bottom left of it. On her wrists she wore a blue watch and pink hair tie on her left and a blue, purple, and light green, strange shaped bracelets on her right. She had a scratch that was a couple of inches long on her left arm. Her toenails were partly light blue; she had apparently picked the nail polish off in some places. She had freckles on her cheeks and arms, and she also had a couple on her legs. Her hair went a couple of inches below her shoulders, and soon, she put it up in a ponytail. On her back was a drawstring bag with a yellow dog-like thing over a yellow W.Covering the top of her head was a blue-and-white plaid hat with an L on the front. She noticed Ash looking at her and giggled.
"Hi, Ash!" She yelled over. He felt his face grow hot. She grinned even wider as he walked over.
"So, what are you up to?" He asked.
"Just playing with Rochelle. You?"
He shrugged. "Nothing much. Want to go check out Lake Acuity?"
She giggled as her face turned red. "Sure! Just, let's not fall in like I did."
Ash laughed, and they ran to the lake where he'd seen Azelf during the Wallace Cup.
*****
Brock turned at the sound of the Pokemon Center door opening. In walked Michelle and a very soaked Ash. Michelle was laughing as Ash blushed and chuckled.
"I said let's not fall in," She laughed, "But you fell in!" She almost collapsed while laughing Ash started laughing more at how much she was laughing. Brock chuckled and walked over.
"Mind telling me what happened?" He asked.
"W-we went over to Lake Acuity to h-hang out," Michelle laughed. "And I'd said, 'Let's not fall in.' We were talking, and... and..." She collapsed to the floor in laughter. Ash laughed and continued.
"A M-Magikarp jumped out and scared her half to death, and wh-when she jumped, she ran into me, knocking m-me into th-the lake." Now Ash collapsed next to her, laughing. Brock smiled at the two, thinking they would make a great couple. He turned and started walking while saying, "I'm going to talk to Nurse Joy. You two love birds calm down, and I would advise training for SunyShore, Ash."
"W-we're n-not lo-love birds," They both laughed out. Brock chuckled and saw Nurse Joy, and the hearts appeared. He jumped over, got on one knee, and took her hand.
"Oh, Nurse Joy! Your beautiful eyes make me glow with happiness! How I wish to work by your side, to-" *Cue Croagunk* "How I wish not to be Poison Jabbed..."
At that point, Ash and Michelle were just calming down. They sat up and walked back outside to train.
"Torterra, I choose you!" Ash screamed. He threw a PokeBall, and Torterra popped out.
"Terra!" It yelled.
"Rochelle, spotlight!" Michelle exclaimed. She threw her Pokeball, and out popped her blue-and-black dog Pokemon.
"Rio!" It shouted.
They both started battling, and by the end of the day, both of them were even more in love with the other, even though neither of them knew it.
 
It's interesting, but I would classify it as more of those paperback novels that they write about the TV show. It's more of a children's book with a somewhat adult theme. I would increase descriptions. Also, people don't actually fall in love at first sight. You should further the story more before making them have a relationship. However, the topic is interesting, better than any hook. It's a nice read, but not that sophisticated.
 
I thought Misty would have this...such a Love-Hate relationship they had, LOL.

Anyway, this is funny and interesting so far, keep it up, but I would like more of those accidental moments where they end up staring at eachother or hugging or something that always happen in movies...

GOOD WORK!
 
Shoyru1444 said:
It's interesting, but I would classify it as more of those paperback novels that they write about the TV show. It's more of a children's book with a somewhat adult theme. I would increase descriptions. Also, people don't actually fall in love at first sight. You should further the story more before making them have a relationship. However, the topic is interesting, better than any hook. It's a nice read, but not that sophisticated.
Click to expand...

Aw, haven't you ever heard of someone immediatley thinking someone is beautiful? (CoughBrockCough) :)
 
And do you think that that makes good writing? I'm not saying that pokemon is true to life, but keep it somewhat realistic, and, frankly, interesting.
 
Ch. 3
"Oh, come on, Ash," Michelle laughed. "It's not that cold!"
"Says the girl that went through Buizel's Ice Punch without a complaint!" Ash retorted. Michelle rolled her eyes and swam over to where Ash was standing in Lake Acuity.
"You're a wimp," She scoffed.
"Am not!"
"Then prove it!" She swam out to where the ground was a couple of feet below her. "Swim out here and prove it."
Ash stood in the waist deep water, obviously thinking hard while shivering. She grinned, knowing that he wanted to impress her. That was when she noticed Brock stepping into the lake in his dark green swimming trunks. She smirked, getting and idea.
"Hey, Brock!" She called over to him. "Ash isn't ready to come in, so how 'bout you give him a little... push?"
As Ash got a look of horror on his face, Brock grinned and nodded. He ran over (As fast as he could in water) and shoved Ash. Screaming, Ash was submerged unwillingly. Michelle and Brock laughed, but when Ash came up, he swam over to Michelle and splashed her. She screamed and splashed back. They kept splashing each other for a few minutes, but then, for what ever reason, they stopped splashing and slowly stopped laughing. Their smiles faded away, and they began to stare into each other's eyes. Michelle's heart pounded as she realized how close to him she was. Back in Volant, she had had a huge crush on him. Half of her wall in her bedroom was covered in pictures she had put up of Ash. His eyes were more beautiful here, much more beautiful.
Ash was thinking similar thoughts. Her eyes were like glassy water, like a pool before anyone touches it. He thought that she was extremely beautiful at the moment, even with her scratches on her arms.
"Uh, guys?" They both turned at the sound of Brock's confused voice. Michelle screamed and Ash jumped. Brock was suddenly standing... er, swimming... right next to them. They looked at each other and started laughing again. How did they not notice Brock swimming over to them?
Brock rolled his eyes with a smile and submerged himself. They kept laughing until something grabbed Ash and took him in the water. Michelle screamed, thinking it was a shark. But then she remembered: there were no sharks here. She kicked herself and dove under to get Ash. She swam fast and grabbed Ash's hand, pulling. Whatever grabbed Ash grabbed her foot, and she quickly looked down.
Brock.
She gave him a death stare, and he immediatley let go of both of them. They swam up and broke the surface, Ash and Michelle coughing. Brock laughed, which was a bad move on his account.
"Brock!"
"Oops," Brock laughed. They both splashed him, and for the rest of the day, they had fun in Lake Acuity.

Sorry for the short Chap, my dad's making me turn it off. :(
 
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