Writing Burns from Magma

haloka

Resident Potato
Member
what am i doing here oh god.

wait if i'm gonna write a story i should probably become...

Professional. Boy writing in uppercase and not in lavender feels weird. Okay that's not what this thread is about.

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Description: There are some cases in life when you are not given a say in things. Some things are out of your control. The case for me is that I was born into a gang. Some of you out there may have heard of it before. It's called Team Magma. Team Magma is a bunch of tough, angry men with a desire to expand the land. It's not my belief, but both of my parents were in Team Magma before they were killed, and if I try and leave the gang, I may end up with a similar fate. So here I am, a fifteen year old girl, trying to live a normal life, while also leading the life of a criminal.

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Episode Guide (Hyperlinked):

Episode 1: Discovery
Episode 2: Night Time
 
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Episode 1: Discovery

Already, it was the scariest day of my life. My heart was racing as I was drowned by the dark frights of mystery. I was inside of a room, or more accurately, a classroom. My English teacher was reminding us about a quiz... That I hadn't had time to study for. For the past week or so, Team Magma and myself had been looking for a mysterious pokemon they call Volcanion. See, the Team Magma you've all probably read about had their main events take place in the Hoenn region, before our famous leader Maxie stepped down, but we're the Southern Kalos division. We're not glamorous. What we were doing was not glamorous. We were not going for fame, we were going for the expansion of land.

As I was about to take this quiz on literary terms, there was a beep on the loud speaker.

"Mrs. Beryl?" The voice asked.

"Yes." My teacher, Mrs. Beryl, responded.

"Is Naomi Yano in the classroom?" The secretary asked.

"Yes she is." Mrs. Beryl nodded, looking at me.

"I need her for early dismissal. Her father is here to take her to a dentist appointment." The secretary told Mrs. Beryl.

A few more minutes later, I was walking to the front office, my backpack hung over one shoulder. When I got inside, I saw Wester, a Team Magma Admin, wearing a brown suit, sitting on a chair. He had shaggy brown hair, and a young face. He looked like he was in his late twenties, but in reality, he was only two years older than me. He thanked the secretary, and then walked me out to his car, with his hand on my shoulder. He took it off as soon as we were out of the building.

"My father?" I laughed, looking at the young admin.

"Well what was I gonna say? Your teen brother coming to pick you up?" He smiled.

"So," once we got into the car I decided to ask the question, "any reason why you took me out of school early in the afternoon?"

"What? Can a guy not take his pal out of school to surprise her?" Wester lied in response.

"Wester." I knew him better than to believe that.

"Fine." Wester gave in, "I need to take you down to the lab. Felix is calling everyone in our division there for an emergency meeting. I'm gonna get you some lunch first, though."

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, as we drove towards the burger restaurant. I wasn't particularly hungry, but as soon as the salty scent of french fries hit my nose, I couldn't resist. I ordered a cheeseburger with a side of french fries, and ate slowly in silence across from Wester, who was looking off into the distance. He was resting his arms behind his head, his feet tightly propped up on the part of the chair I wasn't sitting on. He always had that cooler than life attitude.

"Are you not gonna eat anything?" I asked, catching Wester off guard.

"Nope." He answered quickly.

As we were leaving, he stopped by the cashier and ordered an orange soda. He downed the large cup in two gulps, and tossed it into the trash, opening up the door to the outside.

"Why'd you order that soda?" I asked, with that being the first time in my life I'd ever seen Wester eat or drink anything.

"Because the next few hours of our lives are gonna be stressful as hell." He guessed.

And they were.

---

When we got into the lab, our division's scientist, Felix, was smiling proudly in front of a projector. Wester and I took seats next to each other in a row of folded out chairs.

"Now I know I may have inconvenienced a few of you by calling you all here so suddenly." Felix spoke in sharp German accent. He was one of our oldest members, in his mid forties. His hair was a shiny grey, and his eyes were hidden behind thick red framed glasses. He often wore a pink lab coat, with an M stitched on the back.

A few people in the audience nodded.

"Well I assure you, it's worth your time. Just this morning I found quite a rarity in the world of Pokemon." Felix spoke loudly, with promise in his tone, "Everyone knows of the phenomenon that is Alternatively Shaded Pokemon, or commonly known as Shiny Pokemon. Up until now everyone thought that those were the only oddities in the realm of Pokemon appearance. But we were wrong. Just this morning on my way to work, I found this."

Felix held up a purple Caterpie, to the astonishment of everyone in the crowd.

"As we all know, Caterpie is normally bright green, and when Shiny, bright yellow. However this Caterpie is a dark purple." Felix noted, "But this is not the greatest part. This elusive Pokemon has the power to achieve anything."

Felix sealed the Caterpie inside of a large glass case, with a log of wood inside.

"Caterpie," he ordered, "use flamethrower!"

The Caterpie stared blank for a second, before unleashing a wall of simmering flames from its mouth. When the ash and smoke cleared, nothing remained in the case except for Caterpie, which fell into deep sleep.

"These Pokemon, which I have dubbed Void Pokemon, have the greatest power this world has even seen, at the expense of comatose." Felix noted, "However. If we can harvest these Pokemon, we just may be able to achieve Team Magma's goals. And much, much more."

No one really knew it yet, but in the end, Felix was much more accurate than anyone would've expected.

hey this may be a little much to ask, but do you lovelies think you could give some feedback/speculation based off of this episode. i'd like to gauge what people are thinking and also know what to improve on before i go all in on the next episode. thanks <3
 
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Episode 2: Night Time

((please give feedback and speculation and all that fun stuff! <3))

I knew deep down that this was going to end in fire. Give man the power of electricity and he will get shocked. Give man the power of his wildest dreams, and he'll bring forth the destruction of humanity. However, for the time being, I had to be faithful to my family and support Team Magma.

After the whole long meeting was over, Wester and I went outside to the recreation grounds to relax and talk. He leaned against the wall of the building, while I sat on the dirt with my legs crossed.

"You don't seem too excited about the Void Pokemon," I noticed after a moment. Wester shook his head.

"It should be an amazing discovery, but once Barron gets ahold of one... Who knows?" Wester knew that Team Magma was wrong as well. He joined when he was young and reckless, and got too far in to make it out.

"I didn't even think of Barron." I blurted out in fear.

Barron was the current leader of Team Magma. The leader of the Kalos division, Nacisse, had only met Barron once. Wester also met him once, at a massive Magma rally in Hoenn. You see, Wester had once been located in Hoenn, but that all stopped after he met Barron. He admired Barron. He looked up to Barron.

When he finally told Barron, Barron asked why Wester was even in Team Magma, and banished from the Hoenn division. At least, that's the story that Wester told me. That was enough though, many grunts didn't even know who Barron was. As far as they knew, Nacisse was the leader of the Team.

"You know Naomi..." Wester looked upset when I looked up at him, "I never told you the full story about when I met Barron. I can tell you're think about that."

Before I could dismiss his suspicion, he started telling the story...

---

Wester was 15, and he had been in Team Magma for 4 years. He had witnessed the harnessing of Groudon's powers back when he was a kid and yearned to be like Team Magma and its leader, Maxie. He even dyed his hair a fiery red color. He left his mother, his only family member, behind at age 11 to join Team Magma. He was scouted by a local ace grunt and quickly joined the ranks.

It was tough to catch up, being so young, but Wester got along. He wanted to prove to the world, and to the father he never had, that he wasn't weak. Back to when he was 15, there was a huge Magma gathering in Mauville City, and Wester went, along with most of his squad. They wanted to meet the different kinds of Magma members, but Wester wanted to meet the big boss himself, Barron.

Wester had heard of the man through rumors, and was impressed. No one knew how old Barron was or how he joined Team Magma. All they knew was that he was the leader and anyone that crossed him would likely end up dead, or very close.

Wester wanted to present himself to Barron. He thought that Barron would be surprised by his loyalty to the team, and would maybe even make him an apprentice. Wester didn't know how to find Barron, but he was confident he would. And he was leaving the convention, he spotted him. There was no mistaking him, Barron. He had a young face, and thin complexion. He wore a deep crimson suit, black pants, and sported a shimmering necklace with a massive, solid gold 'M' dangling from it.

Barron had naturally orange hair, spiked up to the right side. His eyes were a serious, piercing black, but he never wore more than a smug grin. When Wester met him, he gladly spoke of his loyalty to the team, and talked about everything, and how honored he was to meet the leader himself.

"How pathetic. There's no need to dedicate your career to me," Barron chuckled, "be an individual. And besides, it's past your bedtime."

"How can you say that?!" Wester barked, surprising Barron, "I left my only family member.. I left my mom behind to help your gang! What do you have to say to that?"

"I'd say your family has a habit of leaving your mom behind." Barron smiled evilly, knowing that it'd hurt Wester, "Keep your hair red though, I appreciate the support."

Wester was in a new world of anger. He through his fist out, hitting hard into Barron's gut. Barron hacked out some blood. Barron picked Wester up by his collar, and slammed him onto the hard concrete. Wester was motionless, in absolute agony, as Barron walked away.

"This is why you never meet your idols, kid." Barron rolled his eyes, spitting on Wester's face.

---

"He never banished me," Wester admitted, wrapping up his story, "but I left to Kalos. I changed my hair back to its normal color, and have worked since then to become everything Barron has failed to be. I have a new family now, and it's you guys."

Wester and I stayed there in unthinking silence. When we finally regained ourselves, it was late night outside. He lifted me over the fence, setting me down on the outside, before throwing himself over.

We both got into his car, as we drove off into the dark. Wester didn't say where he was taking us, and I didn't ask. When he finally stopped driving, we were at the top of a tall hill overlooking the city. He got out and sat on the hood of the car. After a while, I got out and joined, scooting close.

He looked over to me and smiled.

"Naomi, I have to tell you th-" He was interrupted by a call on his phone. He picked it up.

"What?!" Wester asked, confused.

"Are you sure?" He was in disbelief.

"Well, alright. Thanks for telling me." He nodded, hanging up the phone.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"No." Wester looked upset, "Nacisse is dead."

"What?" I was shocked.

"Yeah." Wester was surprised as well.

Nacisse was so young, only a handful of years older than Wester. He was nice, and no one was really out to get him, except for Team Aqua.

"Who's the new leader?" I asked.

"Felix." Wester said dryly.
 
I like the idea for the story and I think you have started well, all I found were a couple of grammatical errors i.e. (Both are in the second chapter)

"You know Naomi..." Wester looked upset when I looked up at him, "I never told you the full story about when I met Barron. I can tell you're think about that."

I think it should be thinking and not think.

Wester was in a new world of anger. He through his fist out, hitting hard into Barron's gut. Barron hacked out some blood. Barron picked Wester up by his collar, and slammed him onto the hard concrete. Wester was motionless, in absolute agony, as Barron walked away.

I think it should be threw instead of through.

Speculation- Naomi's parents realized they did not like Magma after being in it for a while. Right after Naomi's birth, they tried to escape, but failed and were executed. Naomi was kept though because one of the higher ups in Magma had something special in mind for her.

Keep writing this, I am interested to see where it goes.
 
I like the idea for the story and I think you have started well, all I found were a couple of grammatical errors i.e. (Both are in the second chapter)

"You know Naomi..." Wester looked upset when I looked up at him, "I never told you the full story about when I met Barron. I can tell you're think about that."

I think it should be thinking and not think.

Wester was in a new world of anger. He through his fist out, hitting hard into Barron's gut. Barron hacked out some blood. Barron picked Wester up by his collar, and slammed him onto the hard concrete. Wester was motionless, in absolute agony, as Barron walked away.

I think it should be threw instead of through.

Speculation- Naomi's parents realized they did not like Magma after being in it for a while. Right after Naomi's birth, they tried to escape, but failed and were executed. Naomi was kept though because one of the higher ups in Magma had something special in mind for her.

Keep writing this, I am interested to see where it goes.

thanks for pointing out the errors! i'm a generally fast typer, which always results in the occasional mistake. as for your speculation, it's interesting. i won't of course give you what's right and wrong, but you're on the right track to some extent.
 
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